Sorry Obladi, I didn't see your post. It seems complicated at the moment, you've said a lot, but I'll look back fully at it later. Because I've had this I can't remember what you've said and have to scroll down and by the time I've come back up I've forgotten what I want to say.
I know that I don't like the idea of therapy and analysi. I know I think i'm just reacting to my thoughts and keeping it all going. I do think that my problem until recently was too much introspection. While I feel differently lately is that the introspection has fallen away. I don't know if I have an alcohol brain. I just have habits and sometimes fall into them. It's like I go on the internet and look around aimless a lot. I really am drinking less lately say over the last year most of it has been sober which is why I've not been on here so much. I only come on here when I'm dirnking.
I don't want to make more effort as in introspection and analysis. I think I'll just be chasing myself about I think. I find that as I'm making less effort that things are getting clearer. When I make an effort I'm tangling myself up more. That's what I think and I know I might not be expressing myself too well right now because my mind has been through a shake up pummeling so this is not me at my best.
I've had another look down at your post and say that I do think that the self is a construct. I really do. You do too. Are we different though? Not at the core I don't think. I know that I strenghthened that when I was young which caused me all my problems and I've seen to revererse it over the last year.
You're right that I know that there is sneaky subconscious thing at work like with me going all that way to see someone yet deep down knowing that I was going to cancel it after I'd given myself permission. That's craftier than I would have thought. It's like wisdom that comes from a dream where it seems cleverer than yourself. Where did all that come from? I think though that if I force it off the table I'm just keeping my mind as it is when I want to lessen it
I do feel alien you're right and I always envied people who were social. But now I don't at all, and that's only really happened recently. But it's only lately that the change is that I've understood that there's nothing to do about feeling different. It's not that it's okay and a good thing as it's much better to have everyone like you but I reckon that thinking it's changeable is a waste of time. What I should do is just accept the reality of who I am whether I might think or everyone might think it's good or bad.
Obladi this is really taking an effort to write this. It's not set in stone as my beliefs. I'm not generally right until I've had a long sleep after a fit. I will read your post again tomorrow. I didn't understand the thing about the disruption you felt and how your talking, well scrolling down and remembering long sentences is an effort.
I don't agree though that I need to learn that it's okay to be different but just to accept it as a fact as I think that it doen't matter whether it's okay or not.
It's just that there are lifelong habits that won't just disappear.
No, it's nice to know you Obladi and I'm sorry if I might not be clear and saying something I wouldn't even think if i was a bit more rational. So don't take this as my full beliefs.
I've had a lot of fits lately. I don't want to change my medication though as other stuff makes me a different person and I think everyone wants to hang onto themselves - which counters our idea about the self being a construct. But no, no, no isn't that the illusion.
I'm going to stop this.
Thanks Obladi and apologies if I've said something that I don't understand or believe myself. Usually the next day, just like being drunk, my memory isn't too good.
Speak soon I hope.
I won't even read it back.
I just did read it back after posting. Oh my God.