I've sold my shoes
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Hi Obladi and Hevyn and I like the google translation of your message Lixie. It was a nice surprise seeing it there in good English, better than my English. It seems you feel a bit of an outsider too. I apologise for not replying but I really haven't been feeling very well. I meant to post yesterday but everything seems like a major enterprise before I do it. Also a problem developed with a friend that took my time up yesterday evening and I just don't have the energy for it.
I've had a couple of seizures the past few days, well 2 and a 1/2 maybe - one of them was in the street which always makes it worse and when they're bunched up together it makes the recovery harder. I also have an infection which I'm on antibiotics for as well as this general weakness. I've had blood tests which show nothing so I'm told. I'm not sleeping properly, just little interludes here and then.
Aside from physical tiredness I'm all over the place mentally. I mean that I can't seem to focus on anything. Like most epileptics I have a warning before I have a seizure. It's generally described as something like deja vu. It's a bit like being on acid for a minute or so and I know the fit is coming. I've usually got the sense to sit down. I get thoughts and I know and recognise them but couldn't tell you what they are. And it's like the past and future collide in my head and then I wake up lying on the floor. Once I remember waking up in a complete mental emptiness, no identity just awareness. Then - how long I don't know, I didn't know what time was - I remembered one solitary fact and slowly one string pulled another, pulled another and all of reality just came back. But what's the point of this, oh yes, anyway something like that pre - seizure feeling, a vague version of it, seems to be there in my mind pretty constantly the past few days. I'm all a bit spongey. Maybe I'm just waiting for the antibiotics to do their work.
So yes, back to the start, being an outsider, I have to say that where things have changed for me is that finally in my life I accept that I'm an outsider. Of course I accept it, that's what I am. If I didn't accept it I'd just be the same outsider with his eyes closed. I won't go on. Basically I'm like a caged tiger, restless and very stripey.
I was hoping to feel better by Monday. I'm hoping to work then - me and my friend have just bought 50% shares in a well known flea circus. We can reach the bigtime. Yes I'm sorry for not coming on here and responding. It's not that I want to leave some kind of gap of suspense - "where is the idiot?" "He lied about his shoe size, what other lies has he told us?" "Let's see what he thinks about German military marching music?" I can imagine the fevered speculation.
But the point of it all here is to say that the very idea of drinking makes me feel sick right now.
I hope you're all getting on okay there everybody. Ooh look at the time. I must be off.
Bye.
I've had a couple of seizures the past few days, well 2 and a 1/2 maybe - one of them was in the street which always makes it worse and when they're bunched up together it makes the recovery harder. I also have an infection which I'm on antibiotics for as well as this general weakness. I've had blood tests which show nothing so I'm told. I'm not sleeping properly, just little interludes here and then.
Aside from physical tiredness I'm all over the place mentally. I mean that I can't seem to focus on anything. Like most epileptics I have a warning before I have a seizure. It's generally described as something like deja vu. It's a bit like being on acid for a minute or so and I know the fit is coming. I've usually got the sense to sit down. I get thoughts and I know and recognise them but couldn't tell you what they are. And it's like the past and future collide in my head and then I wake up lying on the floor. Once I remember waking up in a complete mental emptiness, no identity just awareness. Then - how long I don't know, I didn't know what time was - I remembered one solitary fact and slowly one string pulled another, pulled another and all of reality just came back. But what's the point of this, oh yes, anyway something like that pre - seizure feeling, a vague version of it, seems to be there in my mind pretty constantly the past few days. I'm all a bit spongey. Maybe I'm just waiting for the antibiotics to do their work.
So yes, back to the start, being an outsider, I have to say that where things have changed for me is that finally in my life I accept that I'm an outsider. Of course I accept it, that's what I am. If I didn't accept it I'd just be the same outsider with his eyes closed. I won't go on. Basically I'm like a caged tiger, restless and very stripey.
I was hoping to feel better by Monday. I'm hoping to work then - me and my friend have just bought 50% shares in a well known flea circus. We can reach the bigtime. Yes I'm sorry for not coming on here and responding. It's not that I want to leave some kind of gap of suspense - "where is the idiot?" "He lied about his shoe size, what other lies has he told us?" "Let's see what he thinks about German military marching music?" I can imagine the fevered speculation.
But the point of it all here is to say that the very idea of drinking makes me feel sick right now.
I hope you're all getting on okay there everybody. Ooh look at the time. I must be off.
Bye.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Hey tap, thanks for stopping in. I hope the spongeyness clears up over the weekend; I'd wager it would. It's good that you've accepted your differentness, now the next step is to be really and truly ok with that. You know, that you are wonderful in your own different outsider way. While I'm certain our stripes are different to each other, I sure know that outsider feeling. I know I was dismayed to learn that I was an outsider even in AA, even at rehab too. But you know what, I didn't and don't really want to be inside of those groups; I just want them to want me. Then I'd feel perfectly comfortable saying, "Nah, thanks. I'm good over here."
I imagine one day I'll live in a neighborhood where every one of us is different and outside enough that we'll be our own stripey clan. It could happen, right?
I'm glad the idea of drinking is nauseating to you right now - that's a relief isn't it? I feel that way as well and it's lasted for months now; who knew that could happen for me? I certainly didn't. Any chance those seizures were from withdrawal? Does alcohol withdrawal exacerbate epilepsy? How is it that you are staying safe? Is anyone keeping an eye on you?
O
I imagine one day I'll live in a neighborhood where every one of us is different and outside enough that we'll be our own stripey clan. It could happen, right?
I'm glad the idea of drinking is nauseating to you right now - that's a relief isn't it? I feel that way as well and it's lasted for months now; who knew that could happen for me? I certainly didn't. Any chance those seizures were from withdrawal? Does alcohol withdrawal exacerbate epilepsy? How is it that you are staying safe? Is anyone keeping an eye on you?
O
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I wrote a post yesterday evening but trying to shift a segment of it I lost a big chunk and so gave up and went to bed - I don't understand autosave. I've had a better sleep and maybe the antibiotics are achieving something. I don't think they're limited to what they were intended for. If they find something else they don't say, "oh no we weren't sent in him for that and go past it." So I think I'm well on the mend.
Hi Obladi, my stripey friend. It's nice to seizure and I hope you're well. Yes the seizures might be affected by stopping drinking. I also get more when I'm not feeling well and when I'm not sleeping. But they also turn up when I can't see any clear reason for them. I had 4 in a few days when this pandemic pandemonium started for no reason. (Pandemonium - sounds like a keyboard instrument for a slow reader.)
Also no one's looking after me, except for maybe my friend who was the partner in the now notorious flea circus debacle. Bad business venture - I should have been suspicious when I discovered my financial advisor was only 9 years old.
As for outsiders, the problem is that once to be one would have been certain death. How could you fight off a sabre tooth tiger on your own? A tiger, now that is stripeyness par boiled. We deep down don't want to be away from the group and so when young often try to colour in the gaps between what are then stripes of shame. But time has moved on and it's good to stop clamouring to be the centre of the crowd.
Hi Dee, best wishes to you.
Hi Obladi, my stripey friend. It's nice to seizure and I hope you're well. Yes the seizures might be affected by stopping drinking. I also get more when I'm not feeling well and when I'm not sleeping. But they also turn up when I can't see any clear reason for them. I had 4 in a few days when this pandemic pandemonium started for no reason. (Pandemonium - sounds like a keyboard instrument for a slow reader.)
Also no one's looking after me, except for maybe my friend who was the partner in the now notorious flea circus debacle. Bad business venture - I should have been suspicious when I discovered my financial advisor was only 9 years old.
As for outsiders, the problem is that once to be one would have been certain death. How could you fight off a sabre tooth tiger on your own? A tiger, now that is stripeyness par boiled. We deep down don't want to be away from the group and so when young often try to colour in the gaps between what are then stripes of shame. But time has moved on and it's good to stop clamouring to be the centre of the crowd.
Hi Dee, best wishes to you.
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Thought I'd come back on here as I've got my AV in my head and might as well be typing here to delay what seems to be the inevitable. Finished some work and have some spare time ahead. I think what started this slide into alcohol was that yesterday I got an idea that if ever things get back to normal - I doubt they will, not really back to proper normal but normal enough - I'd go for a trip to somewhere in South East Asia maybe. That put in my mind that one day I'd be drinking which legitimised drinking and today I woke up with the familiar nagging voice. I've got nothing to do today and nothing tomorrow. It's 11.00 am so there's a lot of time to fill.
Everyone knows what one drink leads to. The trouble is that reason flies out the window when it's like this. Pubs are going to open here again tomorrow and there's some kind of celebration feeling going on.
Anyway other than that, hooray.
Everyone knows what one drink leads to. The trouble is that reason flies out the window when it's like this. Pubs are going to open here again tomorrow and there's some kind of celebration feeling going on.
Anyway other than that, hooray.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
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It is possible to think about drinking, and yet not drink.
It's possible to wear out a craving, and stay sober.
You must have a mental folder the size of War and Peace (large print edition) packed with reasons not to drink Tap - open up that mental file.
Its by no means inevitable you'll drink again.
I drank for decades and then I stopped.
who's to say you can't do the same?
D
It's possible to wear out a craving, and stay sober.
You must have a mental folder the size of War and Peace (large print edition) packed with reasons not to drink Tap - open up that mental file.
Its by no means inevitable you'll drink again.
I drank for decades and then I stopped.
who's to say you can't do the same?
D
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Taplow. It sounds like that dirty AV of yours is in full court press mode. Don't listen to it. As you said, you know how it all ends up. It is so frustrating that so many of us build such a short bridge from having time on our hands to drinking. There are so many things I think about now other than drinking when I have some time on my hands. Try to think about more productive ways to use your time. I'm not judging. When I was first sober, the hours loomed and I had no idea what to do with myself. Drinking always sprang to mind. Don't do it Tap. Stay here with us. It is the only way to be healthy.
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Thanks Dee and Surrendered. I've had some good sober periods but I've drank more of my life than I haven't and the drinking has always been heavy. But I don't think I've ever resisted a craving. So I'm going for a first. I think the big boss in the head has to change.
Thinking practically, well watching TV - which I hardly ever do now anyway - or going on the internet is perfect for drinking. I need something active. I'm a big reader and I can't read when I'm drinking - no point. So I'm going to spend the day doing that - or attempting to. When I'm drinking everyday I get my reading in early - how ridiculous is that?
Thinking practically, well watching TV - which I hardly ever do now anyway - or going on the internet is perfect for drinking. I need something active. I'm a big reader and I can't read when I'm drinking - no point. So I'm going to spend the day doing that - or attempting to. When I'm drinking everyday I get my reading in early - how ridiculous is that?
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Why don't you fill some time with writing? You are such a good writer, Taplow. And you are so funny. You have a real gift. Why don't you do some sober writing today about what it's like for you to fight your AV? There's enough addicts in the world who will be able to relate to your experience but maybe they aren't able to put the experience into words. You can put it into words and you can sprinkle humour in too which makes your words even more relatable. Best of all, your words may ending up helping someone one day. And you'd stay sober and wake up tomorrow hangover-free. Win win.
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Thanks for your nice words kenton. In this post I just wrote a reply about writing and had to erase it because I didn't know what it meant - it was just nonsense. I should have left it there and maybe you could have explained it to me. In the next post I would have disagreed with you.
I'm feeling a bit less aimless now. Thanks.
I'll just get through it today, hour by hour.
I'm feeling a bit less aimless now. Thanks.
I'll just get through it today, hour by hour.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Originally Posted by kenton 
Why don't you fill some time with writing? You are such a good writer, Taplow. And you are so funny. You have a real gift. Why don't you do some sober writing today about what it's like for you to fight your AV? There's enough addicts in the world who will be able to relate to your experience but maybe they aren't able to put the experience into words. You can put it into words and you can sprinkle humour in too which makes your words even more relatable. Best of all, your words may ending up helping someone one day. And you'd stay sober and wake up tomorrow hangover-free. Win win.
You are one of the funniest people I've met on the big internet, and some of your posts are hilariously absurd. I love the way you write, so why not harness those powers and use them for good? I'm writing a psychological thriller, and guess what - if I drink I'm not writing. And vice versa. Give it a go, what do you have to lose?
If not, there's always knitting.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
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my dear tap, please stop wiping out your own posts. I feel like I'm missing out, but more importantly that you're missing out on the experience of just letting the words spill out on the pavement. How are we to read the ink blots if you withhold access?
How's the rest of your day been?
Obviously, don't drink. Have you ever read up on Rational Recovery? There are a number of threads here that could occupy your attention for a good lonnng time.
How's the rest of your day been?
Obviously, don't drink. Have you ever read up on Rational Recovery? There are a number of threads here that could occupy your attention for a good lonnng time.
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Hi Lixie, thanks for asking. I drank yesterday. I had 8 pint cans of Kronenberg then I went and bought some more afterwards but I don't feel I drank them with any real conviction. So anyway I ended up drinking a lot. You complemented my posts (thanks) and suggested I try and take writing more seriously - along with kenton. I'd like to actually, but where? It would certainly give me a focus. Anyone got any advice?
Lixie you wrote a post above in your native Norwegian. It shows clarity of expression is important to you. That's what a real writer does; they want to get it right. (I think your English is perfect by the way - you should see my Norwegian) I stand accused of wiping away posts which which would seem like it's the same motive but no, in my case it's not about expressing what I want to say clearly but just about thinking of something - anything - to say at all. I like to fill up the rectangle here. Good luck with your book; I like the idea of a psychological thriller.
I don't know about the knitting idea though. Maybe unknitting would be more my line. I could start with a cardigan and end up with several balls of wool. Then I could take it further and construct a sheep. Actually, though I'm a vegetarian I'd need to start buying lots of meat to put in my reanimation chamber.
Thanks Tatsy and Obladi, I won't censor myself. I agree the world deserves to hear my inspirational message. As I said above - no maybe I didn't (I can't scroll upwards and check, there's no time) - sorry I've lost my thread. I should just write what I think but it's not always easy to know what that is. There are important people in the world - for instance whoever decided to take the risk of adding on the extra A in aardvark - but I don't know.
So, today is an important day for me alcoholically speaking. I have to stay on the straight and narrow and not touch it. Yesterday when I started drinking a friend phoned me and we spoke for a long time. Then, straight after, my brother called me and we spoke for ages as well. Then I realised I'd drank all the lager I'd bought. I knew that at the time I felt that I hadn't really savoured it. I felt I'd been distracted when I should have concentrated on it which is why I bought some more. Alcohol which most people feel is something to accompany socialising is really centre stage with us lot.
Anyway I had an uncomfortable, fitful night of sleep and wake and sleep and wake. I can't work out if the woman next door is having sex or suffering a stroke - maybe she's doing both.
I'm going to do the washing now. Clean sheets, Mmmm.
Look after yourself everyone.
Lixie you wrote a post above in your native Norwegian. It shows clarity of expression is important to you. That's what a real writer does; they want to get it right. (I think your English is perfect by the way - you should see my Norwegian) I stand accused of wiping away posts which which would seem like it's the same motive but no, in my case it's not about expressing what I want to say clearly but just about thinking of something - anything - to say at all. I like to fill up the rectangle here. Good luck with your book; I like the idea of a psychological thriller.
I don't know about the knitting idea though. Maybe unknitting would be more my line. I could start with a cardigan and end up with several balls of wool. Then I could take it further and construct a sheep. Actually, though I'm a vegetarian I'd need to start buying lots of meat to put in my reanimation chamber.
Thanks Tatsy and Obladi, I won't censor myself. I agree the world deserves to hear my inspirational message. As I said above - no maybe I didn't (I can't scroll upwards and check, there's no time) - sorry I've lost my thread. I should just write what I think but it's not always easy to know what that is. There are important people in the world - for instance whoever decided to take the risk of adding on the extra A in aardvark - but I don't know.
So, today is an important day for me alcoholically speaking. I have to stay on the straight and narrow and not touch it. Yesterday when I started drinking a friend phoned me and we spoke for a long time. Then, straight after, my brother called me and we spoke for ages as well. Then I realised I'd drank all the lager I'd bought. I knew that at the time I felt that I hadn't really savoured it. I felt I'd been distracted when I should have concentrated on it which is why I bought some more. Alcohol which most people feel is something to accompany socialising is really centre stage with us lot.
Anyway I had an uncomfortable, fitful night of sleep and wake and sleep and wake. I can't work out if the woman next door is having sex or suffering a stroke - maybe she's doing both.
I'm going to do the washing now. Clean sheets, Mmmm.
Look after yourself everyone.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
To state the obvious, you can write here. Keep doing that, of course.
You can also blog here. It's quieter over there in blog land but if you let us know, some of us will traipse over to sit in your parlour awaiting your next missive.
I'm certain there must be "how to set up your own blog" resources on the internet.
Also, there's a guy who posts over in the Alcoholism forum that writes; Rockbottom. He's currently working on stuff for publication through Amazon, I believe. You could hit him up for advice or ideas. Oh, and Cow writes as well.
Clean sheets rock.
Seems you and I suffer from the same anomaly - once we determine drinking is "almost" inevitable, we're just softening the blow. There's no almost about it. Eh?
O
You can also blog here. It's quieter over there in blog land but if you let us know, some of us will traipse over to sit in your parlour awaiting your next missive.
I'm certain there must be "how to set up your own blog" resources on the internet.
Also, there's a guy who posts over in the Alcoholism forum that writes; Rockbottom. He's currently working on stuff for publication through Amazon, I believe. You could hit him up for advice or ideas. Oh, and Cow writes as well.
Clean sheets rock.
Seems you and I suffer from the same anomaly - once we determine drinking is "almost" inevitable, we're just softening the blow. There's no almost about it. Eh?
O
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Join Date: Dec 2019
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What's on the agenda today Tap? Not sure what you are trying to express here. Is today another drinking day or are you going to give health and wellness another shot? I'm no writer like you but I think I can recognize a person's AV in full swing, like your AV seems to be. Point that high powered intellect inward and make some changes and save your own life if you can. You know what's going on.
soberfighterwriter
Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 1,719
Originally Posted by taplow
I don't know about the knitting idea though. Maybe unknitting would be more my line. I could start with a cardigan and end up with several balls of wool. Then I could take it further and construct a sheep. Actually, though I'm a vegetarian I'd need to start buying lots of meat to put in my reanimation chamber.
Stay safe, tap. I care about you.
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