I've sold my shoes
 

I've got thIs usual auto saved drinking nonsense going on for, I don't know, the lockdown nonsense, it's not helping in the world of drink avoidance. Nothing to do leads to spare time to be filled, also no work means I've spent what I can't afford. I've drunk with a determination, like a suicide, but today after a late night I think there's a little window of light here and I can find a way through maybe start a get sober again odyssey. Today's a struggle, a first day struggle where there's optimism powering it but also a kind of withdrawal thing going on. I've got epilepsy and I think I'm going to have a seizure all the time. I'm taking a wild punt here but think this is the time to go for it. I'm certainly going crazy in the ill fitting times and of course joining in and taking the knee like you're meant to and pulling down statues of any people who look old fashioned. We can't change the past but we can change the middle bit before the future - thank you for the present; you needn't have wrapped it. Drinking is life really. Well it takes the place of it. How can I get through this? I've actually got some work tomorrow. I'm going to have to try and stay the whole day clear.

Also I've noticed that today since I've decided to stop drinking that the birds I feed in the garden are avoiding me. They fly away when I'm in sight. They know they're losing a friend. What can I do?

Sounds like you could use a sandwich and some hot tea with honey. And then you should sleep it (whatever IT is or isn't) off if you have work tomorrow. Plenty of time to get philosophical about sobrierty once you've been sober for a time.

tap, I'm glad to hear that you're thinking now is the time. It is, it definitely is, because you know the other road just gets more and more treacherous.

get a bird feeder
they'll be back when you're sober

You get through it like every other person does - one moment at a time. For what it's worth, a helpful concept to me is "I never drink now," which evolved from "I'm not drinking right now." You know, it's a clever little mind twist to realize and remind yourself that it's always now and you can do anything for just a moment.

Keep posting. It really helped me when I was in your shoes not long ago. More than I can describe to you.

We'll be here.

>>Drinking is life really. Well it takes the place of it. How can I get through this? I've actually got some work tomorrow. I'm going to have to try and stay the whole day clear.<<

Substance abuse is a learned behavior. You can't get addicted to anything unless you have learned it does something for you. In my view, what we all learned was substances help us regain control over emotional circumstances that made us feel helpless, trapped, powerless and out of control. We learned that we could regain control, escape the trap and empower ourselves with the quick fix or mood changer of substances! The antidote is to understand this premise and find other empowering behaviors that help us regain control of overwhelming circumstances. This isn't magic. This is what so called normal people have learned! To face their feelings directly and deal with adversity, with other more healthy behaviors that empower ourselves. Behaviors that we value and give purpose and meaning to life. When your values trump your addition, there is no addiction.

It's 6 O'Clock here and I'm not going out so I'm through my first day. Anyway that's my struggle over.
Hi Obladi. I've got a bird feeder. There's a family of Blues T*ts who know me but they made themselves scarce today.

Glad you're tucked in safely.
Stay the course.
It gets a whole lot better once it stops sucking.

Hi Taplow, good to read.

I locked horns with this guy JeffreyAK back in the day on Secular, because I was stuck in fighting, but as I evolve, I can see fighting the AV is the first step for me, then a sort o forgiveness of self, And so I like his journey now. I had to fight it at first, to break free (the AV limbic system) and he talked about reintegrating the reptile. I didn't understand then.

But I drank copiously after two and a half years sobriety, and stopped again last year. And I do understand now, I had to forgive the AV (limbic system) it was after all, just pre-programming trying to help me feel better, in the same way my skin heals when cut, automatically. Yet, the Pre-Frontal-Cortex (me the human being) CAN rule, I am the controller, and so can you be. Anyway, its worth a read, I believe, it certainly helped me, eventually.

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-my-story.html

I'm glad you're back and have a day one down Tap.
Good luck with the work :)

D

I'm happy too, Taplow - to see you getting through the day without it. Tomorrow you'll be so glad you didn't give in.
It doesn't provide us with the comfort we think it will - always works against us & sabotages our efforts.
Keep talking to us.

the science of being a drunk. Learning this saved me so far.

thanks.

Hey, Tap. I am glad you have day one in the bag--there never has to be another. These times are very stressful and difficult, but it will be much easier to navigate this nightmare with a clear head. My thoughts are with you and all who are struggling--even though I feel strong in my sobriety, the daily outrages are exhausting; it takes extra strength and courage to fight through them with so much surreal topsy-turvy distracting from the most important thing--getting and staying sober. Wishing you the best.

Thank you very much for your replies everybody. Having got the difficult first day out of the way, today was easy. The usual pattern is that I'll be contentedly sober for weeks or months and then some crazy alcohol idea will lodge in my thoughts one day and assume control. It's like that fungus that infects an ant and then slowly controls its behaviour. At the moment when there's no problem is when I ought to be planning my defence - fixing the roof while the sun shines.
Thanks once again all and Tatsy, very interesting stuff there.

Same goes for me too.

When it hits me it feels like it literally comes from nowhere. But like you, I realize there are termites in my foundation. The tiniest bit of sawdust requires my full attention every time I see it. Because it's the rot I can't see that threatens to kill me.

Glad today was easy.
Sorry to say it won't stay that way.
But you know that.

Keep writing, man.

Always good to see you here and read your thoughts. May this turn towards the sober life be your last. A mind and spirit like yours deserves to be given the space and light to grow that only sobriety provides.

I have to ask: did you really sell your shoes?

hello taplow,
yes, fixing the roof while the sun shines is the way to go.
it’s good to see you going for sobriety again!

Tatsy, just want to thank you for linking to Jeffrey’s story. i had never read it, but have now, and it is a powerful post.

i miss having Jeffrey around, and last heard from him about a year ago, when he was waiting for cancer surgery.
thanks again.

Yes, this happens ALL the time for me. Over and over. The most sinister version of Groundhog's day. Oh to be free of it would be such a miracle.

They say “keep at it until the miracle happens” Yes, do this for sure.

I think there is more to it though. I asked for some inspired thought on this. From the deepest recesses of my old memory came the juggernaut line of AA. I had to look it up to get the complete thought- something like: Self-sufficiency is the bone-crushing juggernaut whose final result is ruin. (12&12 pg 37)
The more I use my alcoholic mind to try to figure this thing out, the uglier it becomes.
I had to completely surrender.

I am 100% convinced that another bender will lead to my demise. I can’t see it turning out any other way.
When I was still depressed by alcohol I welcomed the idea. Today I don’t.

Many moons ago I told (asked) my creator that I did not want to meet Him drunk. Still.

Also, when discussing step five (confession, if you will) if there is one (juicy nugget) item that we hold on to, are unwilling to confess, they say that we will continue to drink over it.

from my experience.....this is true.