August252015

None of the mental illness matters if we are still using. You have to get it out to be able to see what is what and treat it accordingly. By the end of my drinking, for example, I met nearly every criteria for BPD. Turns out, once sober, none of them. I am able to address other stuff- mainly anxiety- as I stay sober.

skybert

Hang in there mikoss! The symptoms you mention is quite typical WD, and will pass during the upcoming days. After mistreating our minds and body for so long time, WD is a message that the repair takes its toe. For me it is better to respect it, rather than hate it. To me, the difference between hate and respect gives me the strength to keep on going.

Please do not replace alcohol with another drug. You will only end up in a web of complications, with even bigger challenges quitting. If you allready have mental issues (who of us hasn´t), you will only end up even more f*****- beleive me!
Give your self this chance to be drug free (alcohol included obviously). One of our challenges is not to start using a poisonous substitute.

You list your consumption. I am actually not interested in that. Alcoholics are not defined by how mutch we drink. It is how we use it, and why. You score on every point in the book, as most of us do. Most of us find a breaking point by admitting that we are alcoholics. It makes it mutch easier to understand how we shall meet our future. For me, this implies that I can isolate my challenge to one very simple task: Never drink alcohol again. No more, no less.

I will keep on reading your thread, and i wish you all the best mikoss!

mikoss

Thanks August, yes I feel as if I can only reach a certain length of time with no drinking that hopefully I can see results and either deal with whatever conditions I have and address them and have them treated and that they will subside.

I know that when I first quit drinking the first time and I went over a month without alcohol I was feeling better physically and my sleeping patterns were better and so forth and in addition to that I was eating a healthy diet. But at the same time my depression and anxiety were getting worse and my OCD was just taking over every aspect of daily life and got worse as well.

But hopefully I can address some of these conditions that I believe I have and see about having them treated without alcohol in the picture. Because right now I am a mess emotionally. Just anxiety, depression, insomnia followed by extreme tiredness, OCD, and just a lot of other things that come and go. Like a wave throughout the day of ups and downs.

mikoss

Thanks skybert, I see what you mean about the time it takes to heal. After the amount of time spent drinking like you said it will take time to heal and for the body to repair itself slowly over time.

And right now I have a close family member in the hospital in serious condition. I just found out a few hours ago. This family member is also a heavy drinker and binge drinker. I don't now if it is alcohol related but it is serious. This family member is fighting a fever that won't go away and it is some kind of bacterial infection in the blood that is causing it. Just terrible.

But right now I just hope I can get better and feel better. I will try and eat something and maybe take another warm bath even though I had a warm bath yesterday and massage. I find that hot/warm baths with salts help a little to relieve some of the aches. And take some medicine for my flu like symptoms. Anything just to get some relief.

skybert

Do what ever you you need to shift focus- why not be a real hedonist and take a massage tonight as well? The clue is to treat yourself any other way than with toxins

Derringer

Your in analysis paralysis.

Like a circular debate about the chicken or the egg.

Did my drinking and drugging cause the issues or am I masking my issues with drinking and drugging ?

Its kinda like watching a guy who lost his leg to a shark, take an hour to figure out what kind of shark it was, before he calls for help.

Just make the call for help.

Steely

Thanks for your thorough history mikoss. At least your brain is functioning, even if feeling shattered.

As I say, I am not a diagnostician, but think the amounts you have been consuming over time would definitely produce the symptoms you are experiencing.

I've been there mikoss, but (also) know comparisons are odious. It definitely sucks, but will ALSO improve with time. Just don't drink, and let the days pass in best tranquility you can muster.

Treat your mind and body well, it's YOU, don't forget. I agree with you on not smoking dope. Don't bring in another bloody variable for god's sake.

I can only agree with all others mikoss. You are feeling shattered as result both drugs. Withdrawal angst maxed out, but with an end in sight. To continue drinking has an end , but will be just more of the same. Only worse. I think you know this, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

Hang in. Talk later mikoss

Dee74

I'm sorry about your family member Mikoss. All the best for them.

I hope you'll start to feel better soon, Feeling poorly is pretty much everyone experience of withdrawal. Just have to get through it.

If it's really bad pl;ease see a Doctor - hang the expense.

If not, try not to go overboard with whatever you're taking for your flu like symptoms.

D

mikoss

I ended up having another relapse.

I went with a friend to see a show that she wanted to see and ended up smoking dope, drinking vodka, and then doing cocaine again. She got me to drink again and now back to cocaine.

And then I tripped in my house over a rug on the floor and broke a glass. Now I am just so pissed at myself I just want to drink vodka and do more cocaine and just get drunk and get high on coke and escape.

I am just hopeless.

Dee74

I don't believe anyone is hopeless Mikoss - but I think you're makes a lot of hasty unwise short term decisions right now.

Withdrawal is the pits - but trying to avoid feeling bad by drinking and drugging just puts you in a worse position that you were before.

have you heard the story of the two wolves?



you need to start feeding the right wolf Mikoss.

D

mikoss

Thanks Dee, I want to make the right choice.

But I am just so down and pissed at myself and in such a bad place.

I hate doing this stuff but the addiction is just too strong and I feel so angry at myself and down that the vodka and cocaine just makes me feel so much better right now.

I know this is horrible but I just feel so hopeless right now.

I tried going out today and I can't even face the world without being under the influence of booze and high on coke. I just feel pathetic.

Dee74

you're not a passive partner to your addiction Mikoss.

These things are not happening to you, your choices are letting them happen.,

You hold all the cards - really.

You can make the decision not to drink or drug and there's not one thing your addiction can do about it.

Its not going to be the best time of your life for a little while, but it is a finite period - and you will feel good again.

best to start today

D

HeadEast

This^^^^

courage2

Maybe there are friends you shouldn't see and shows you shouldn't go to, for a while?

skybert

Most of us has relapses mikoss. The focus should be to make them shorter and shorter. A relapse is not equal to giving up. Sober up again mikoss, and when you find the strength, try to find what triggered this last one. Avoid those triggers in the near future.
Self pitty will only drain your energy. Straighten your back and hit the restart button- you can make it mikoss!

Steely

What skybert said.

Restart button mikoss. It can be done.

Gotta say it mikoss. Your friend didn't get you drunk and back using cocaine...

AwkwardKitty

Mikoss, she didn't. You have to take responsibility for your own drinking. If you do what you've always done you get what you always got. You need to do things differently as your approach to quitting clearly isn't working for you.

Deep down you KNOW that going to places you drank and being with friends who use is only going to lead one way, so when you did that you knew deep down you were going to end up using, so recognise that was a choice you made. It's likely you went there to give yourself an excuse to use. I know I've done the same.

Make a plan, recognise your approach hasnt worked for you and think of something different. Take responsibility for your drinking and yourself. Do some reading here for inspiration to put a plan together.

For me, this time I committed to an amount of time (30 days) as that seemed manageable. I decided I was going to have some space from alcohol to evaluate how I felt about it. I watched Annie Grace's videos and journalled and did exercises examining my use every day. I kept a gratitude diary on my phone. And by the time I reached day 30, I didn't want to drink so I didn't and I still haven't 53 days on. I'm not out of the woods yet so I dont have it all sussed but this time does feel different to other times.

Make a plan Mikoss, we are all rooting for you.

mikoss

Thanks guys for all of the advice and help.

I managed to get some rest after being up for 24 hours. And woke up with major anxiety and depression.

She didn't actually make me drink and it was fully on me. She is a close friend so I wasn't stressed by her or anything. I just figured I should try to get out of the house. So we went to see a show. But before going out I drank a little and smoked dope. And then while out we ended up going to a liquor store because she wanted vodka and tonic. So I got the vodka and the tonic. And we ended up making vodka tonics in our plastic cups filled with ice. And then doing cocaine. Not that she made me do the cocaine. But I started back to doing it with her around. But it wasn't her fault, I just got the feeling to do coke again for some stupid reason. And drink vodka.

So now I woke up and had a panic attack. I managed to calm down and now I am drinking again and doing more coke but not a lot just a little and I feel like a hopeless addict.

I just feel pathetic. I say to myself what is wrong with me and why am I so messed up in the head. I feel so angry. And then tripping and falling and breaking a glass I feel so stupid and angry at myself and it made me want to do more cocaine and drink more.

I just feel lost and down and in a bad place and feel like a hopeless drunk and coke addict. I feel like a lost cause.

sugarbear1

When you are ready to stop and stay stopped, it is possible, but you have to put more energy into NOT drinking and using than you do in finding and using those substances

skybert

As long as you choose the wrong solution, you pospone the evident life saving choice. I know how tempting it is to choose the easiest option when body and mind are raging. I have gone for the easy way out a couple of times myself, only to realize that I am my own nemesis.
Remember that the only way you can win this fight, is actually to do the battle! If you are not willing to do the job, the worst you loose is yourself.
May the battle begin mikoss! You certainly know how to start