mikoss

Thanks Kjma, I thought about going to the grocery store or library, but I was just too sick and depressed and not feeling well. I slept most of the day. No drinking though. I just took an antidepressant and was able to sleep and rest and just woke up. Now I feel depressed again and want to drink or take a pill. Ugh, this just sucks and just trying to stay sane and trying not to drink.

mikoss

Financially I am okay, I am not worried about money and have money to spend. I just don't have health insurance since I lost my job and lost my health insurance along with it. So I would have to pay out of pocket for any doctors or medical care.

They do have some local meetings but I have just been so sick physically and then trying to stop drinking brought on withdrawals and on top of that feeling sick with a cold/flu. And then dealing with other family stuff leading to more stress and anger and depression and anxiety. And then the recent relapse yesterday. I still feel so sick.

And I don't do well around people. At least not for now. Maybe it is social anxiety. Not that I don't like people, it is just that I prefer quiet time at least for now and don't even want to be around people or hear people talking.

Here is fine since we communicate by writing. I just need to try to stop drinking. So far I am not drinking. And trying to come up with a new plan to not drink.

mikoss

Yes, she just didn't realize it I guess. I am a people pleaser and didn't want to make her feel bad for bringing me that. Plus she was suggesting to use it as a medicine to warm it up with honey and lemon and I just told her I would try it. She meant well but I guess she didn't realize I am trying to stop drinking and not drink more. But I just put it up and didn't drink any.

I am going to see about some medicine for my OCD.

And I do need to get out and maybe go to the grocery store or library or just get out. I have just been a recluse the past 12 days and having people get me groceries or food or art supplies or whatever I need because I have been so sick and not well. I only left once to get the box wine.

Part of why I have been a recluse is maybe fear of getting in trouble. Going out and having influences of going back to drinking and doing drugs. And when I relapsed, the fear of getting pulled over and being under the influence of alcohol and drugs and so forth.

skybert

My sister- allso an alcoholic, gave me an «uppercut» four years ago, while she was in the midst of a family chrisis: «This chrisis is to big for me to cope with without sobriety». WTF, I thougt.... she is still sober.
Last year I was allso struggeling with family issues, and came to remember her words. My turn to try her way, and you know what? Day by day, the issues falls in their place. My sobriety is the key for me to sort, deal with, and finally act on one obstacle by the other. My brain, AND emotions finally starts to work WITH me, not against me. A very rewarding experience.
My message is: Alcohol is NEVER a solution. It is the REASON!

August252015

BAM.

Up to you Mikoss.

We can't do it for you.

DriGuy

Alcohol was important to all of us, but without getting into a psychoanalysis of why you feel this way, the only thing you need to know right now is that you are wrong. You can't keep alcohol around because of some imagined therapeutic benefit from the bottles, let alone the alcohol that's in them. You have got a big step ahead of you before you can get on with recovery. You need to get the stuff out of the house.

mikoss

Just having a lot of stress and anxiety. The depression I have been able to manage to some degree but the anxiety and stress has increased lately and more often.

Going to try to eat something and take a warm bath and try to feel better.

Steely

Anxiety and stress will increase with both drinking, and early withdrawal mikoss. It will improve in recovery. I'm no diagnostician, but believe your OCD might also improve.

"Still life with wine bottle", is a pretty hackneyed painting if you ask me.

And I was a hackneyed drunk.

Get well soon mikoss.

mikoss

Yes, sometimes my anxiety and depression gets worse and then gets better. The same with stress. Just a lot of stress lately with family related issues.

I did manage to take a long hot bath with some aromatherapy and have a friend come over later so she can give me a massage to relieve some of the aches and pains I have.

Yes, no still life with a bottle paintings. If I use bottles they are for props I may use in a background. Not just bottles but any object that I use just for composition purposes or different objects I use to develop various focal points and horizons when I am just playing with composition. I play a lot with light and shadow before starting a painting since I experiment a lot with light to create different effects in painting. I don't like painting just things but painting effects and making things come to life and telling a story versus just painting an object or objects which to me is just boring without creating effects and modifying what I see. But yes I prefer to paint from life versus a photograph because it helps when I paint a certain subject to get more in tune with what I am painting and it helps to develop style and just paint better I guess.

But yes, I am trying to get better. Just taking it easy and took an antidepressant and may paint a little later depending how I feel if I am not too sleepy and woozy since the antidepressants make me feel very calm and feel like I am drunk.

Just hanging in there and see how today goes.

Steely

I'm glad you're not drinking mikoss.

I felt pretty assured that you didn't paint hackneyed still life with wine bottle mikoss. Exaggeration for effect. You mess with paint, I mess with words. Like, alcohol makes for a very still life.

Hope you start to feel better today mikoss. Depression is a rotten thing, I know. Drinking on top is even rotten-er.

Lines

Are the " antidepressants" prescribed ?

mikoss

Thanks Steely, I started to feel a little better. Yes, depression is not fun at all. It comes and goes. Sometimes I have a deep depression and other times it is not so bad. And my anxiety has been really bad lately. Just a lot of stress with family stuff and just trying to stay clean and sober which I have except for the recent relapse. Just a lot of stress and pressure and responsibilities I have and wanting to get sober and then I relapse and just trying to get better.

And on top of that I still feel sick. Not as bad as I was before but with cold of flu symptoms. I just feel sick even though I took a long hot bath and got a professional massage and have been eating and drinking water. Mostly I have coughing and chest congestion. And feeling lethargic and just not well. Just trying to hang in there.

Yes Lines, the antidepressants are prescription pills. Some are for depression and others just for anxiety and for insomnia.

Steely

Same for me mikoss. Depression waxes and wanes, but when it waxes its terrible. I suffer anxiety as well. I'm so sorry. But we will emerge the better if we stay on track with the booze at least. Not a big ask of ourselves, really.

Drink lots of water. I forget mostly, but when I do I notice an improvement.

You seem to be doing all of the right things mikoss. This feeling state will pass.

On your side, mikoss. We can do this.

mikoss

Thanks Steely. I hope I can feel better.

Right now my depression is so horrible and I just want to drink. I feel really down and my anxiety follows and I am just trying to make it day to day.

mikoss

Just having bad panic attacks and not feeling well at all.

I managed to get some rest but wake up after very strange dreams and wake up with anxiety and depression only to be followed by a panic attack or several after.

I just feel like a helpless and hopeless mess of disorders. I just keep asking myself what is wrong with me and why am I like this? I want to drink but another part of me says no. And it seems like when I seem to get a little better I just get worse than I was before.

skybert

I beleive that your anxciety and depression will ease day by day when you sober up. It does for me. I have been fooling myself with the well known mantra that I drink to medicate my anxciety and depression, when the thruth for me is the oposite- the alcohol actually is the main reason for my anxciety and depression it seems. It certainly is worth it for you to try too mikoss. It might be this simple (and difficult)....
Hang in there! There IS better solutions than alcohol (and dope)!

skybert

....BTW- I am bipolar, with anxciety disorder on top. Allso a mess of mental disorders

Steely

I don't know how much coke you used, or how much alcohol you imbibed mikoss, but the way you are feeling could still be withdrawal, imho.

I don't know much mikoss, but one thing I do know is that alcohol will only make it WORSE. Much worse.

Do you think you need to see a doctor? If you are having panic attacks it might help to do so. Panic attacks suck. Please don't suffer unnecessarily.

You are doing great, even though it sucks. Embrace the suck Just DON'T drink. You will be glad you didn't, tomorrow. Postpone the gratification. It works.

Steely

Hi skybert. Our posts crossed. Pleased to meet you.

On mikoss's side.

mikoss

I am sorry to hear that skybert, I sometimes wonder if I maybe bipolar. I know that my depression and anxiety is horrible and yes I would drink to self medicate. I would drink as an escape or to relax and just to get to some sort of happy place even if it was just for a while.

Yes Steely, that is what I was thinking. That maybe my body is still withdrawing from alcohol, or the cocaine that I used to do. When I was drinking I would say it was about 500 ml to 700 or 800 ml maximum on a daily basis. But mostly 500 ml on average of 40% to 50% alcohol spirits daily. That went on for about 6 to 7 months and before that another 6 months or slightly more of less drinking but consistent drinking almost daily. I would say probably 300 ml to 400 ml of 40% to 50% alcohol spirits for about 6 months almost daily, some days less, and then another 6 to 7 months of 500 ml average of 40% to 50% alcohol spirits daily. And before that it was just moderate drinking to sometimes binges on the weekends. But a good solid year to 14 months or so of consistent drinking with the last 6 to 7 months of daily drinking of at least 500 ml or more a day of 40-50% alcohol spirits. Vodka was the #1 choice due to it being clear, easy to conceal in a water bottle and less odor on the breath. But I drank many other spirits including scotch, gin, rum, tequila, bourbon etc. I would always add a little water to the scotch. The vodka sometimes I drank it straight or cut with water. Either way it was all bad.

The cocaine was maybe a gram a day to sometimes 2 grams a day or more on weekends and sometimes I could go a few days in between without it and sometimes longer and then as little as half a gram or less a day. It varied depending on how much I felt like doing. But sometimes I was doing coke in the morning when I first woke up and then more coke at work and after work and throughout the night when I would go on a binge. It always varied. But I haven't done any cocaine in about 2 weeks. And I don't want to ever go back to it ever again.

I thought about smoking weed in order to help with alcohol cravings since a friend of mine she says she smokes weed daily to help with her alcohol cravings and she says weed has helped her with sobriety. But then I have had not so good experiences with smoking weed and don't really like it all that much but then everybody is different. Either way I don't want to smoke weed all day because then I will just be stoned and high instead of drunk and then I may be worse of emotionally than before. So I just stick to antidepressants and anxiety pills for now when I need them.

But as far as the alcohol and cocaine that is kind of a rundown of my addiction. My cocaine use has been about 3 and a half years on and off with the last 6 months of consistent and regular cocaine use and before that being on and off more or less. My drinking has been at least 15 years of moderate drinking with binges in between. But a good solid year to 14 months of drinking daily.

Only within the year to 14 months of heavier drinking did I experience double vision on 2 occasions. Sometimes passing out on a kitchen floor. And many times hungover that I cannot even count. But I never got so drunk where I would blackout and never remember anything. I guess you could say I was a moderate heavy drinker if that makes any sense. I always took it slow. I never guzzled the alcohol down fast unless I was sneaking off at work in a hiding place to take a quick chug or tow of alcohol or a quick hit of cocaine or both. But over the course of the day the alcohol added up. But my OCD and anxiety and depression were definitely there when I was drinking heavily that past year or so.

So maybe my brain is still trying to rewire itself and my body is still withdrawing. I do know that I feel sick. And sometimes I feel really sick. Right now I am just hanging in there and taking it a day at a time. I have numbness in my leg that comes and goes which could be due to sleeping on it too much causing a pinched nerve but who knows. I feel lethargic at times followed by insomnia. I have flu like symptoms. And on top of that major depression and anxiety that comes and goes. I have social anxiety disorder and fear of interacting with people in person right now I think which is why I don't even go out and which is probably making my depression worse. Plus I have just been too sick and ill to really go out.

For now I am okay but I know depression and anxiety will hit me soon at any moment. I just feel hopeless and helpless and just try to make it a day at a time.