10 1/2 months but shaky
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
10 1/2 months but shaky
I’m at a bit over 10 1/2 months sober. I feel solid, and I know I won’t drink... tonight. But I feel weirdly weaker than I did, say, a month ago. I have spent the past week at home. After spring cleaning, working out every day, reading, catching up with old friends on the phone, cooking, and relaxing - guess what I now feel like doing?? I’m not going to drink, but it scares me how much I want to. I feel relaxed, accomplished, pulled together, etc. It’s a relatively warm spring night and quieter on my balcony than it ever has been before due to the lack of cars driving in the city since everyone is home. I just keep thinking how I’d love to sit out there and have a drink. And it scares me how much it seems like a good idea. I’m like a teenager who first considers sneaking out to a party. I keep thinking, maybe I should just do it! I know it’s not a sane idea, and I’m not going to do drink, but I think it’s sketchy how much I’m thinking about it so wanted to admit it. I feel like I’ve gotten a little wobbly as I get up on the year marker and I’m trying to tighten the controls and cement them in. That’s my goal right now. Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,783
Stay strong! 
The urges will get less and less and eventually they will be so faint that you won't even hear them. Try practicing gratitude, if you don't already. That always helps me to put things in perspective.
Congrats on your sober time!
The urges will get less and less and eventually they will be so faint that you won't even hear them. Try practicing gratitude, if you don't already. That always helps me to put things in perspective.Congrats on your sober time!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
These are testing and trying times - a lot of worry and maybe even panic.
We all know where we used to turn to for that - but it never gave anything like the relief it promised - and thats not even factoring in the costs of a bender, physical mental, financial, self esteem...
shut that AV up - whatever you do drinking is never an answer
D
We all know where we used to turn to for that - but it never gave anything like the relief it promised - and thats not even factoring in the costs of a bender, physical mental, financial, self esteem...
shut that AV up - whatever you do drinking is never an answer
D
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I was squirrely a few times in that first year too SoHard.
I know you'll prevail and come out sober.
I've seen people on SR say, "Come here and ask for permission first."
No, it's not a good idea. We deny your request!
In AA they told me to put my 24 hour chip in my mouth and when it melted I could have a drink.
It's good you told on that AV. Well done, enjoy the rest of the day.
I know you'll prevail and come out sober.
I've seen people on SR say, "Come here and ask for permission first."
No, it's not a good idea. We deny your request!
In AA they told me to put my 24 hour chip in my mouth and when it melted I could have a drink.
It's good you told on that AV. Well done, enjoy the rest of the day.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Thanks, everyone.
Least: good reminder about gratitude. Thank you.
Dee: oh god. Just thinking about the physical, mental, financial, and emotional costs is the one thing that has always held me back. They’d be just awful.
Bimini: thank you for saying that about getting squirrely at times in year 1 also. Sometimes I think I’m not doing it right. “It” meaning this whole sober thing. That if I was doing it right, I would feel 100% strong. And that makes me think, if I’m not doing it right I might as well drink. Which is obviously a trick of the AV I won’t fall for. So I’m glad to know you felt squirrely at times too and ended up being the success you have been.
Least: good reminder about gratitude. Thank you.
Dee: oh god. Just thinking about the physical, mental, financial, and emotional costs is the one thing that has always held me back. They’d be just awful.
Bimini: thank you for saying that about getting squirrely at times in year 1 also. Sometimes I think I’m not doing it right. “It” meaning this whole sober thing. That if I was doing it right, I would feel 100% strong. And that makes me think, if I’m not doing it right I might as well drink. Which is obviously a trick of the AV I won’t fall for. So I’m glad to know you felt squirrely at times too and ended up being the success you have been.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Sohard, you are doing all the right things for your sobriety, especially coming here and posting first. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
I still get those thoughts sometimes too, and I’m a little over a year sober. They’re so frustrating because it’s so easy to convince yourself that you can drink again. Honestly, whenever I have those thoughts, I’ll often say out loud something like “well that’s stupid, I’m not sure why I would do that.” and it’s been helping. I think it allows me to acknowledge the thought and then push it aside without ruminating too much on it? I dunno.
Thoughts are just thoughts, and they can’t make you do anything. You always have a choice, and I can tell by how hard you’ve been working that you can/will make the right one.
I still get those thoughts sometimes too, and I’m a little over a year sober. They’re so frustrating because it’s so easy to convince yourself that you can drink again. Honestly, whenever I have those thoughts, I’ll often say out loud something like “well that’s stupid, I’m not sure why I would do that.” and it’s been helping. I think it allows me to acknowledge the thought and then push it aside without ruminating too much on it? I dunno.
Thoughts are just thoughts, and they can’t make you do anything. You always have a choice, and I can tell by how hard you’ve been working that you can/will make the right one.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
so hard, I recognise the feeling of wanting a reward after a day's work. It's a lovely reward if you're not one of us, who take great risks with just one glass.
From my own experience I found setting up a relaxing ritual after work (reward time) was really helpful. I used to sit in my favourite spot with a cup of tea made in a pretty pot, with my best bone china cup. It felt very special.
My thought was, why not make yourself a special drink - cold tea with fruit juice and fresh mint springs to mind - sit down and enjoy the sunset? I discovered that it was the habit and ritual rather than the alcohol itself that helped me relax and feel rewarded.
From my own experience I found setting up a relaxing ritual after work (reward time) was really helpful. I used to sit in my favourite spot with a cup of tea made in a pretty pot, with my best bone china cup. It felt very special.
My thought was, why not make yourself a special drink - cold tea with fruit juice and fresh mint springs to mind - sit down and enjoy the sunset? I discovered that it was the habit and ritual rather than the alcohol itself that helped me relax and feel rewarded.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Posts: 464
Originally Posted by Be123 
So hard I hear and feel you. But just think through how you would feel if your message was not 'I feel like drinking' but a 'Back to day one'.
Remember that first week? Remember it!
Remember that first week? Remember it!
One thing I always remember is a friend in group telling me to think about the worst time I was drunk...and what happened...and always remember it.
It will help keep you sober.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Thanks for all your thoughts. In the sunny day now, my desire to drink is very small, practically zero. I guess that shows me that it really is just habit/compulsion that is driving me to want to drink in the evenings. If it wasn’t that (as opposed to a sincere desire to drink), then I would want to be on my porch just as much right now with a glass of wine as I wanted last night with a glass of wine, and I do not. So, I have to trust everyone that that want will continue to diminish and diminish. And I really do trust that, because I’ve seen it and lived it for over 10 months. I guess sometimes I just start to get a waiver of doubt within me when my AV gets a little too loud.
So thanks for setting me straight.
So thanks for setting me straight.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You didn't have a drink.
You're doing it right.
I think the thoughts will always come. I'm at six years now, Sohard, and the thoughts come. Associations. Habit, memories. It's not that I want to drink, it's just my brain pulls up past experiences and emotions and of course all of them are related to past alcohol use since I did it every day for every emotion, event, time of day.
They are very few and far between and easy to dismiss.
You're doing it right.
I think the thoughts will always come. I'm at six years now, Sohard, and the thoughts come. Associations. Habit, memories. It's not that I want to drink, it's just my brain pulls up past experiences and emotions and of course all of them are related to past alcohol use since I did it every day for every emotion, event, time of day.
They are very few and far between and easy to dismiss.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
"want" is not a good indicator of anything much, mostly. for me, it almost always speaks to a temporary urge rather than a considered, level-headed real desire..
when i feel those "wants", it is really helpful for me to look behind them, so to speak, and see how i am really feeling. why am i squirelly? upset? dissatisfied? and what can i do about the more underlying feeling?
"That if I was doing it right, I would feel 100% strong. " this is the kind of statement that something like CBT is really useful for. it is easily disputed.
i had those times, early on, where i was quite convinced i "should" feel a certain way, or should NOT be finding this sobriety-thing challenging at this point in time any more, or why was i not experiencing sober life at this "stage" in the way those other people were???
it was really good to question where i was getting my ideas about how it "should" be by now.
when i feel those "wants", it is really helpful for me to look behind them, so to speak, and see how i am really feeling. why am i squirelly? upset? dissatisfied? and what can i do about the more underlying feeling?
"That if I was doing it right, I would feel 100% strong. " this is the kind of statement that something like CBT is really useful for. it is easily disputed.
i had those times, early on, where i was quite convinced i "should" feel a certain way, or should NOT be finding this sobriety-thing challenging at this point in time any more, or why was i not experiencing sober life at this "stage" in the way those other people were???
it was really good to question where i was getting my ideas about how it "should" be by now.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
SoHard,
I think you are amazing.
I also think we all sometimes think, I could do this, just one, why not, or who would know, whatever.
And then like you realize that there is a reason why we quit and that we would be right back there with just one sip and that we are worth so much more than that. You definitely are.
We love you.
I think you are amazing.
I also think we all sometimes think, I could do this, just one, why not, or who would know, whatever.
And then like you realize that there is a reason why we quit and that we would be right back there with just one sip and that we are worth so much more than that. You definitely are.
We love you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 1,283
Originally Posted by Reid82
I'm at the same time level of recovery this time around and felt the same yesterday- I did identify it is probably down to the whole situation we are facing now.
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