mikoss

I made it to 10 days only to have yet another relapse.

I had a very stressful situation with family. Just absolute distrust in family, very disappointed, and just disgusted with family to the point where I can't trust any family or friends or anybody anymore. Only here can I talk about things and trust people here.

So I started drinking again. I have plenty of alcohol and a full bar pretty much with bottles of vodka, gin, rum, tequila, cognac, scotch, bourbon, Irish whiskey, sake, wine, champagne, and much more but I didn't touch the liquor/spirits so I do have self control. I am only drinking wine for now to drink responsibly and moderately and keep it under control and just stick to wine for now since it is safer and a more relaxed and calm type of drinking. I am just drinking until I can calm down and figure things out and come up with a plan to stop drinking later on.

Just when I thought I could stop drinking, this situation with family happens and now I am drinking again after 10 days of sobriety.

I just feel so pissed at family and they just make things worse with no help at all and just bring more misery, stress, disgust, and anger towards them. I just hate it. They don't understand anything and just make my condition worse.

I don't even know if I can stop drinking with all of this stress with family. It just seems hopeless and I feel hopeless right now.

The sad part is that I don't even feel guilty for drinking again, at least not right now. I feel partially intoxicated and feel pretty good actually and I like it. I know that is a terrible thing to say but it is true. I don't want to drink anymore but I am just trying to get through this stressful situation with family.

I am just so stressed that all I want to do is drink wine and oil paint. The only two things that are helping me calm down for now.

I am just at my wits end with drinking. I want to stop but just when I seem to make progress, more stressful stuff with family occurs and I am back again drinking.

Sorry for the rant. I am just feeling frustrated right now.

doggonecarl

If stress is the "reason" you drink, you are going to find yourself stressed a lot. That's how addiction works. Same with anger, or depression, or anxiety. If something makes you drink, that "something" will plague you until you figure out how to cope with it.

Noam19

I said it on one of your other posts, I'll say it again....DUMP THE BOOZE.

If you had all this self control you talk about you wouldn't have stopped at 10 days. Triggers happen. Having triggers when you have a house full of alcohol is like holding a gun the wrong way and hoping for the best when you shoot.

One good decision (dumping it) will lead to other good decisions.

FlyAgain

Wastinglife

I had a family situation over a year ago that set me off on a month long bender so no judgement here. Although, it doesn't take much to set me off, it was my mother's death that I used as justification for an epic binge.

Sounds like you haven't gotten to the point where withdrawal symptoms are an issue so stop now before you really get into the booze.

Kjma

Mikoss, buddy, stop now. Do the painting without the wine. You can achieve that suspended time feeling with the creative process alone.

I recently did the same thinf, as you know-- drank as an answer to emotional stress, but it wasn't the answer at all. Just made me disappointed in myself that I didn't turn to a better coping mechanism. You say you like that feeling of "drunk" right now, but you're not going to like it when it's run its course. Whatever family stress was there when you started will be there when you stop, and you will have spent time, health, money on no gains.
Stop now. Pour it all out. Get back up and dust yourself off. Come up with a plan to deal with the stress when it arises again that doesn't involve unhealthy escape.
You'll be on my mind today. Take care of yourself.

Kjma

PS: The alcohol will make you feel even more hopeless, as a depressant.

mikoss

Thank you so much Kjma for the advice. I just need to find a better way to cope with emotional stress. I guess I just lost control and went to drinking wine as a way to deal with it.

As far as dumping out alcohol I just cannot see myself doing that. It is part of my OCD and I just cannot get rid of things or dump anything out. I feel like my bar is a part of my house where people can come over and have a drink and I have it decorated with decanters and all sorts of bar apparatuses like wine openers and cocktail mixing stuff and ice cube makers and vintage glasses and new glasses and a lot of stuff collected over the years. But I just avoid drinking any of it and save it for anybody else that wants to have a drink. I just can't throw it out. I can't see poring hundreds if not thousands of dollars of booze down the drain. I would rather give it away than throw it away. I am just so messed up in the head I am sorry.

And to be honest I just got back from the store and brought back 2 boxes of wine with 5 liters in each box. Just inexpensive box wine. One white and one red. Just to have something new and different to drink and I won't even touch any bottles I have already. I know I am weird and OCD and superstitious like that but it is the truth.

I am drinking the white wine one right now and feel horrible about myself for doing this but I am just in a bad place again emotionally.

I spent all night painting yesterday due to insomnia and then slept most of the day. And then the family incident happened and now drinking again.

My family thinks I am just crazy and weird. But I am not out there doing crazy things or doing anything bad. I have OCD and other conditions and sometimes I find myself going outside collecting leaves and rocks and various things and I spend a lot of time and money on buying books and music and musical instruments and art and things from old furniture to vases and paintings and sculptures and clocks and just things I like to buy that catch my eye and attention. I use them as inspiration for my art or just because I like to collect them. As crazy as it seems I find beauty in something as simple as a rock or studying a branch with leaves or a feather that I found outside or an old piece of wood. Studying the texture and the way light hits certain objects and studying the colors of natural objects and the way light affects them and how color influences the color of an object next to it when I put things next to each other.

But my family thinks I am crazy or just mentally ill and maybe I am. I just immerse myself in sketching and oil painting and it is what gives me peace and what I liked to do over many years and took a break from it on and off and getting back into doing more painting just to relax.

But now my drinking has come back. It is just so frustrating. To drink or not to drink. Or slowly wean myself off of drinking slowly. I just don't know anymore.

Now I just put on some Mozart, drink wine, and just paint. I just need to find a way to just stop drinking. I figure I will drink just a little more wine and then quit. I don't even know what to do anymore.

Going out to get the wine was the first time I left the house in 10 days. Just to get wine. I am like a recluse. I just don't know what to do anymore. And since I haven't drank in 10 days this wine is actually making me feel a bit drunk just from 3 glasses.

JK130

When you come out on the other side of your binge, make sure you reread your note sober. It can be the start of a plan to take control of your life. You are important, and you are in charge. Stay safe!

DayTrader

Hey Mikoss.....

For what it's worth, I never dumped my booze nor do I demand the ppl I sponsor to do so. If they want to, fine..... if not, fine. Some folks believe in hiding from temptation. In my case, I had absolutely no interest in doing that. I thought, what kind of life going forward would it be to have to be constantly on guard- afraid of walking in to a restaurant, grocery store, party store, or a friends home for fear that there may be alcohol present? That said, plenty of folks find it helpful to do just that... perhaps just for a "while," however long that may turn out to be for each individual. The important part is you pay attention to what happens when you're around it and make the smartest decision for YOU.

As far as "outside issues" (the family issues you mentioned in your first post) are concerned, in my case, I found those beliefs to be lies I told myself / lies I believed. Were it just the family, distancing one's self from them would totally alleviate all problems and you wouldn't drink. In my case, the "issues" were money / work, a failing marriage and too many "bad" friends and not enough "good" friends.

The question I had to ask myself was - Did I drink too much / drink when I really didn't want to drink when the money was good, when the marriage was going along just fine, when work was less hectic, when the bad influences weren't around, when lots of good people were around, and when I felt just great? Boy, I sure did. So that being proved, how could I blame "those" things when I exhibited the same inability to keep myself sober and control my drinking once I started even when those issues were not present? I couldn't... I began to see the lie I'd been telling myself. In my case I found I drank for one reason only - I'm an alcoholic. I drank in good times, bad times, to escape, to feel a part of, to get away, to relax, to work myself up, for courage, for peace.......etc etc. You name it, I drank to improve or escape from it.

Once I discovered my real problem was alcoholism, not the family, not the job, not the money, not the lack of support, etc.... then I could focus on a cure for alcoholism. Two of the best things I learned in that process -
1. As my recovery improved, all those issues that used to kick my butt - they seemed to totally shrink. They carried less weight and hit a lot more softly.
2. Since the problem was me - internally - I didn't "need" to depend upon all those outside things to get into line for me to recover........which takes me back to #1 above again because once I started to actually recovery, those things became muuuuch smaller issues.

Derringer

Poor me poor me ..... pour me a drink.

Self pity will lead you back to a drink with almost 100% certainty.

so far the option you selected has been

a) retain the booze collection
b) become a recluse
c) tell folks on SR a bit of your story as to how you feel you got to this point
d) throw your willpower at chronic alcoholism and drug addiction.

There are other options.

Remember that EC had all the money anyone could wish for, yet he ended up seeking help from folks who don't charge for their services.

His recovery required a lot more than what you have done so far.

More action is required.

ScottFromWI

It's difficult to make a rational decision when you are drunk. I do hope that you can make it back here to review this thread after you sober up - it will be helpful if you do indeed seek to stay sober - which I am guessing is your goal.

It's also important to remember that your drinking didn't just "come back" - you chose to drink. You had to make several choices including going out to the store, getting money, buying the alcohol, bringing it home, opening it and actually drinking it. You had to answer to your self the "to drink or not to drink" question probably at least half a dozen times before you actually drank it. And each time you decided to drink.

SnazzyDresser

There's a sense of temporary refuge that alcohol can provide, safety from the messiness of family/friend stress, that's true. Mikoss, I know it can seem hopeless at times like this, the idea of never drinking again, taking away that refuge. It seems unimaginable, I remember that feeling well. But that's a lie we're telling ourselves, there is hope and a way forward that's alcohol-free. A way that's actually way better in fact. Getting there isn't easy but it's worth the trouble.

Sobriety is a skill that can be learned, and you can learn it. Build on that 10 days you had, keep at it. Keep tinkering, see what works for you, non-alcohol ways to deal with the stress, they're out there. Keep posting here on SR about how it's going. And keep the oil painting too!

Anna

This is a delusion and this is your disease controlling you.

I hope, when you stop drinking, you read your words and see the reality of your situation.

DreamCatcher17

I found that the only person I was hurting while DRINKING AT someone was myself. They don't care if you are drinking if you relapsed especially on the account of them. It is like they are winning while you are not.

I no longer have to live in that vicious cycle, and you don't either.

Alcohol is not allowed in my home just on the off chance I have a weak moment it is so easy to grab something in my home.

I do live a block away from 2 bars and 1 liquor store however I know I will not leave my child unattended, so that makes it easy for me to stay home.

I also have this device called a PHONE, while it may be heavy in the moment I THINK I want a drink, there is always someone who will answer on the other end to chat with me, and talk me down. This has only happened once.
The urge thought and desire to drink as left me and I am truly grateful for that. I pray you will have that removed from you as well.

Blessings,
DC

mikoss

I am just so stressed and angry at family and just hate how my family behaves and I have just so much anger and frustration with them.

I just feel so down and frustrated and now drinking again and relapsing. Everything is just a mess.

I don't know maybe I am just too drunk right now and just frustrated.

Anna

Maybe it's time to reconsider your relationship with your family and maybe it would be helpful to put some distance in the relationship right now. If it's causing you so much stress and pain, why not step away until you acquire some sober time and then reassess the situation at that time?

Derringer

Yeah there isn't much point in me trying to get through to someone who isn't sober.

Come back in the morning and start again.

Its just a lesson that had to happen, a lesson on how much action is really required.

Kjma

Mikoss, you use the word "crazy" often to describe yourself or your actions. I don't see crazy in any of it. I see an artistic soul who struggles with being different from the mainstream. You also have an addiction to alcohol. The two things are separate. You are using your troubles with family members as an excuse to drink. In the words of Dr. Phil, "How's that working for you?" In the drunken moment it might seem to be a release, but it won't be when you stop.

There are medications for OCD. Perhaps a visit with your doctor may be in order?

You have the strength to live a different life. When you decide to put that wine down, you need to evaluate what you really want for yourself. You are the only person you can control. You always have the power to decide how you will deal with adversity. Family getting you down? You can't change their words or actions. You can only change the angle from which you view them and the way you react to them.

Take care, Mikoss.

ScottFromWI

That is quite possible. When you are drunk it's hard to make rational decisions.

Your family issues certainly cannot be ignored, but you'll never fix them while you are drunk. And you can't use them as an excuse to drink if you truly want to get sober long term. We all have problems in our lives- family, work, money, societal, you name it. The difference for us as alcoholics is that we try to hide from them by drinking, when in reality it just makes everything worse.

Your first step to getting better involves getting rid of the alcohol. Quitting won't fix your family problems, but you can't do anything about them ( or any other problem ) until you stop drinking. And remember that it is a choice to start drinking in the first place...it's not a causal relationship. You have the power/choice to decide on the one most important thing in your life right now.