fletchling

Hey guys, huge thanks for you replies Oblabi, Hevyn & D. Made me feel warm and welcome.
I’m very much trying to figure this out. Although I keep telling myself this time it will be different and I do have a full power over the situation I’m not certain is this a false promise once again? You know, I have failed in the past what is different this time. I would like to think and I feel like my attitude is different and though the year has been incredibly difficult and messy I still think I have done progression to the right direction. For example have fallen in love with distance running, which gives me (although a different) high and I have also picked up other old hobbies of mine. These give me new purpose and will hopefully help me going forwards. I am taking this one day at the time and not thinking about the future too much. I too believe I have a say in this - but after many failed attempts I have lost my trust towards myself a little. What you said O - that I have the choice not to drink being a comforting feeling is that indeed and I do experience this a lot, but the moments when the other thoughts start sneaking in I just need better tools to snap out. Week 3 is usually full of failures, I make myself accountable to post here everyday during the next week so I cannot slip. Thanks for being there.

Obladi

As you may have guessed, I think language is very important, particularly the language we use when we're speaking to ourselves.

Week three may have been your stumbling block in the past, but that doesn't mean it will be so in your future. How about this, "I know I've problems in Week 3 in the past. This is important information - I can use that to make sure I avoid those mistakes (or address those issues) this time.

You have 100% say in this. There is no bogeyman hiding under the bed. Well, actually there might be, but it's you!

I'm not being blithe; it's not like I don't get it. I spent an incredibly long time stuck in that place where it seemed like I had no control over whether I drank or not; it felt like drinking was necessary. Like there was no other option. Like it happened to me. For a lot of people, distractions or channeling energy in a different direction does the trick. Didn't for me, for a number of reasons that need not be enumerated here. What did do it for me was finding a way to remove drinking as an option under any circumstances for a good long time. That meant taking my physical self to locales where drinking actually was not a viable option - 5 months away from my home and immersed in sober community. Plenty of folks are successful with less drastic measures, but that's what it took for me to get the (let the?) demons out of the box and learn to cope with them sober.

Whatever you decide to do to stay sober, make it your determination, not your wish. And add more things. This is not a convenient ailment we have - it's hard work to climb out of it. Really hard. This is where Dee would tell you to make a plan and he's right. Hope is not a plan.

You can be successful, fletchling. And we'll be more than happy to root you on in your success!

O

fletchling

Hey thanks for your helpful reply once again Obladi, I much appreciated your input and shall take on board reflect on what you’ve said.

This week has been good, I have stayed really busy working away on my current project. Luckily my studies keep me occupied if I really decide to put my mind to it - in the past when the clock would hit 6pm I’d zone out and open a bottle. Now too I open a bottle but just flavoured sparkling water, which keeps me satisfied and find joy that I can keep working after that point if I wish to do so.
I am not really thinking about drinking, though I went on a risky venture today meeting some friends outside for a picnic, unfortunately I can not control what people around me do and alcohol was involved but I was really proud I stuck to my soft drinks and actually had a lovely time, cracked a few jokes - everyone laughed and thought that god why have I ever thought people wouldn’t like me or that I would be boring and not fun at all without alcohol, all in all it was a really refreshing experience. When the rest moved to the pub though I had to remove myself from the situation as I knew the temptation would have been too much.
As mentioned before I anticipate next week being hard work but I feel like I am prepared, I have plenty planned and a huge project I have to prepare and lots of studying to do. I have integrated lots of exercise into my days and I am genuinely feeling content with my decision to learn to live a sober life. In the past my thoughts have been filled with self pity and “oh but I can never have this and do that again”, now I think I have finally had it and can see way more clearly why the path of drinking would be no good and only lead to misery. I can do this.

MaximusD

Hi Fletchling. I caught up on your thread. Sounds like you haven't always had anxiety? Either way there is no doubt that the alcohol makes it worse except for in that short period of time that it can help it. I have had anxiety too and it gets worse from alcohol overall even though you do seem to get breaks. I havent drank for 2 months and my anxiety has returned. Being more mindful now I am realizing it is because I have stopped exercising. I first started exploring quitting and a quitting site at your age. Put together about 5 years around your age until my early thirties. You can save yourself a lot of future heartache quitting now. IT will escalate if you don't stop it.

fletchling

Hi MaximusD! Thanks for catching up on my threat and sharing your thoughts! Also huge well done on your 2 months sober, I can’t remember having stayed sober that long for all my adult life.
I think my anxiety started late teens after a traumatic event which I never really got proper therapy for. Or actually that is not fair, I did receive therapy but the trauma was so fresh I couldn’t utilise the help offered. I didn’t drink at this point but you probably guessed that next time when I experienced hardship I started self medicating with alcohol as it seemed to take my fear away. Early twenties I realised I had a problem, stayed relatively sober but the stresses started piling up and here I am. Despite drink I have managed to push my life in the good direction - I haven’t lost anything due to drink YET (apart from my self respect and years of my life not being fully present) and like you say - it will only get worse, the drinking and the anxiety. Thank you so much for reminding me. therefore I am so ready to stop this now because I cannot afford any losses, I love my life really, I love my partner and everything I have and do (besides the drink). I feel like spoilt brat for not appreciating these things fully in the past! You are right exercising is great to combat anxiety. What type of exercise do you do? I have started to run distance and aim to do so minimum 4 days a week. Few time’s I have had to stop as my health anxiety has crept in in the middle of the run and I have though I’m gonna have a heart attack and die on the spot (very unlikely). I have so many more hours now in the day so many possibilities where I can go from here. I’m filled with gratitude today.

fletchling

The headaches are gone which were non stop during my first week of not drinking so that is a little win. Also I don’t have the dull ache over my liver anymore - another win. But was wondering, has anyone else experienced muscle pains all around body as withdrawal symptoms from alcohol? Mine have been so strong that I have jolted awake after just falling asleep at night and they also come and go during the day. I wasn’t sure if this was related to quitting or is my body just playing up.

fletchling

Day 14
Today I woke up voluntarily at 5.45. This is the first time for years. I love early mornings but alcohol has incapacitated me so that usually on a Sunday I would roll up earliest at around 10. This was followed by burst of sadness and I cried and cried until I felt stupid and decided that no sadness can consume my day that I have finally managed to start early. So made a cup of coffee, read a couple of threads here and soon I will do something that I have been dreaming of doing for so long and that is to go for a run so early that a very few are out and about on the running tracts in the city.
Have a good day you all, and good night to those on the other side of the world. We can do this.

Dee74

congrats on 2 weeks Fletchling

D

fletchling

Thanks Dee, I think I’ve actually have got a bit confused early morning rechecked my calculations and it is day 16 after all! The 2 week mark had gone by without noticing which I’m pleased about! I try and not obsess over days too much as it almost seems like count down to something (in my head when have I proven myself I don’t have a problem so I can drink again? I recognise this is the alcoholic voice and I very much try to keep it down). Ran a good 5k which I feel immensely proud of at 7 am. Ran past another person like me parking himself on the park bench with 8 cans of lager, in my head I thought he would laugh if I went telling him that I thought I had a problem so although I wanted to give him a hug I just smiled good morning.

Obladi

You sound wonderful, fletchling.

Congratulations on your two weeks plus two days. I think crying until you feel stupid is amazing. My friend Grymt told me that after the detox from ethanol is complete, we need to go through emotional detox (not sure I got the words right, but that's how I remember it.) For me, this stage has been a lot longer. It manifests in many ways. Knowing this has helped me to just sort of go with it.

Looks like you're going with it; it looks good on you.

O

MaximusD

I haven't been exercising much lately due to the weather. Of course I call BS on myself because I could do plenty indoors. Kind of had a set back not being able to go outside and walk etc. Sobriety is intact but anxiety is up and I have been binging on sweets.

fletchling

I am sorry to hear the weather has set you back and about your anxiety levels being up. I too am worried about what happens to my exercise motivation with the more adverse weather conditions when the winter creeps in. I am too binging on sweets but I try and limit this to night time as the spikes on blood sugar just make me really sluggish during the day but as this is nothing in comparison to the sluggishness from drink I am not being very harsh on myself, if I feel like a chocolate bar for breakfast I shall have it!

fletchling

Thanks for your encouraging words Obladi. I have been running away from my true emotions for so long that maybe now the floods of tears and other emotions are to be expected.I feel sorry for my parner at times when my moody streak hits. Yesterday afternoon was one of those... I fear the day he has had enough of my bs. For now all I can do is to apologise.

fletchling

Monday always marks a new start for me that sets the tone for the rest of a week. I finished my ongoing project early morning and have a new project coming up in 2 weeks time to which I must prepare for. So to set the tone for this week I started going over some papers to create an action plan which will hopefully set me up for success in the weeks to follow. It is nice to have created a resource to tick off components fulfilled. I hope this will provide me with a sense of achievement comes the weekend.
This week I must keep as busy and committed as possible. I hope you all have a good day.

zoobadger

I'm 59 years old and have been sober for 2+ years. Looking back on it, my drinking habit started as a means of alleviating social anxiety. And, like you, for many years I could rationalize it because I didn't get fired, crash my car, drive away partners and friends, or basically wreck my life in the spectacular ways that one imagines happens when you're an alcoholic.

But I missed out on so much, made so many choices that limited my potential, and spent so much time drinking rather than living that I honestly try not to think in too much detail about the past 35 years of my life. Not that I didn't have any fun, or didn't have a fulfilling life, or accomplish anything useful; but if I could go back and get sober at age 26 I absolutely, positively would do it. Not even a moment of debate about that.

Gradually, I became more confident, or just quit caring what people thought about me - in a healthy way - and really didn't need booze as a social crutch anymore. But by then I was addicted and even if I didn't really fall off the cliff into full-blown "you're going to die if you don't stop" drinking until my 50's, I could never, ever take it or leave it. Alcohol dominated my entire adult life. Also, alcoholism is progressive, and can creep up slowly over a long period of years. You don't notice it until one day you're grabbing a cheap bottle of vodka on the way to work at 8AM.

I can't tell you what to do, but maybe you can learn from my experience.

Obladi

fletch, that sounds like a good plan for the work week.
Could you also set aside a good chunk of time to plan for and execute a project to maintain your personal well-being and sobriety?

fletchling

Hey Zoobadger, thank you so much for taking your time to write for me. I find it really encouraging when people get it. In my group of friends I have now told most of them that ''I will not be drinking anymore'' to some of them I have included ''because I do have a problem'' and for others I haven't gone into so many specifics. Every single one so far has shrugged this off with ''Oh well, try it out for a while if it makes you feel better or not and then you can maybe start having drinks again''. No joke. Followed by awkward silence from my behalf and the disappointment when even the closest people in my life just do not get it that, for me to continue drinking will eventually lead to exactly what you described. And therefore I am so very grateful when others like me just a little a head of the game give me the very reminder that you rarely become an alcoholic overnight, it is a process that I am very much in the middle of. I created this thread about a year ago, it took me 5 months to read this forum after I finally had the courage because I feared that I would get laughed at. Although anonymous, it still felt really intimate somehow. For a while I did good, then 1 glass of wine and everything I had build over about a month of sobriety went south and there I was again. Back with the drink. Now a year later I know better than ever, that this will just keep happening and happening and happening, till I too am in my fifties with so much wasted potential and life behind me.
So although you cannot tell me what to do, I can indeed learn from your experience and I am very grateful you shared it with me.

fletchling

Hmmmm, I better give it a think. I think its tricky, I have such A type personality that I get my greatest satisfaction from achieving things. I think that excelling with my projects better than in the past as I have more time to plan and execute them with no hindrance from the drink will be a major factor contributing to my personal well-being, but work does also add to my general ''stress'' levels though this is not always the bad type of stress but if piling up can become detrimental.
I really have to give this a good think, how to incorporate me time and also what type of things to do with my free time now that its truly free from the drink to avoid future temptations and also to ensure that I don't burn out. How to make this sustainable...

fletchling

Today the thoughts of drink strong and present since morning, it’ll be a long day unless I get myself up from the sofa. Sun is shining and it’s really hot. Going to venture outside and walk for hours if that’s what it takes to make my head to shut up. What a contrast to ones mood can one day make.

Dee74

yeah sitting on the couch was what I did drinking....start creating some new routines fletchling

D