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Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
fletchling, I'm so glad you found us, more glad that you are recognizing that there is probably an issue, are wise in handling this now rather than going through the subsequent 30 years that I did after feeling the same way.
I think you need to have a talk with your partner. "Honey, I know you don't think I have any problems with alcohol, but I know I do. I'm feeling like I don't control myself as I'd like to, and that just feels wrong to me; it's messing with how I feel about myself. Quitting altogether seems like the only sensible and practical solution. I want you to be happy for me because succeeding at this will ultimately be the best for me. I also want you to support me by _____________________." Fill in the blank: not keeping alcohol in the house? not trying to talk me out of this? what else?
I agree with Carl - it's probably best to skip the party. If your partner is going though, and if you've had the discussion with him, you can ask him to have your back and make an escape plan with you if it all gets to be too much.
O
I think you need to have a talk with your partner. "Honey, I know you don't think I have any problems with alcohol, but I know I do. I'm feeling like I don't control myself as I'd like to, and that just feels wrong to me; it's messing with how I feel about myself. Quitting altogether seems like the only sensible and practical solution. I want you to be happy for me because succeeding at this will ultimately be the best for me. I also want you to support me by _____________________." Fill in the blank: not keeping alcohol in the house? not trying to talk me out of this? what else?
I agree with Carl - it's probably best to skip the party. If your partner is going though, and if you've had the discussion with him, you can ask him to have your back and make an escape plan with you if it all gets to be too much.
O
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Fletchling - When I quit I found it best to not make a grand announcement. I just quietly eased into being a non-drinker. I told people it was making me miserable & I wanted to try life without it for a while. After a few weeks of not drinking I had a long talk with my husband about how sneaky I had been, how it was turning me into a person I despised, etc. He hadn't realized the extend of my dependency.
Glad you're talking about it - life is going to get so much better.
Glad you're talking about it - life is going to get so much better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
Thank you all for your kind words once again.
It's my 6th day not drinking, yesterday I walked past the wine section with ease but I must be careful and not let this to lull me into false sense of security. In the past I have told myself many times ‘’See I can be without a drink if I want to so there is no problem, I can choose to have a drink today’’. It is funny how the drink today always progressed for a long period of time where I would drink every single day. Some days I wouldn’t even feel like it but routinely I would do so anyway – because that’s what I do, I drink.
My current mood is a bit low and managed to upset my partner yesterday by not showing him enough affection. He thinks I don't care about him when I am not present and drift away into my thoughts. It made me really sad yesterday when he expressed this but the truth is that at the moment it is so hard to pull a brave face and just try and be a functional human being, I just don't have that much of me left to give to him at the moment. I am supposedly the strong one in our relationship - he has history with depression so I have naturally been the one picking him up. Sometimes it would be nice if he could see that even though I appear strong I could do with some picking up too. But I am too proud to show weakness.
Maybe that is one of my downfalls, I struggle to share any of my emotional burden with anyone close to me and have this feeling that I am expected to be the strong one. Been reading lots of stuff here and a lot of the material has really resonated with me.
What comes to the dinner party I have found a simple solution as of now there is no change I can decline the invite – I will drive there. When you drive you don’t drink and then there is no questions asked. I have been putting off driving for a long time now so this is my challenge for myself, get driving, get myself out and about again, sober.
And what comes to the discussion with my partner I will delay this a bit, he doesn’t drink so he is unlikely to suggest any triggering activities. If and when he offers to bring me booze from the shop I will just simply say no thank you I am trying to lose some weight, which is also true.
Hope you all are having a good weekend.
It's my 6th day not drinking, yesterday I walked past the wine section with ease but I must be careful and not let this to lull me into false sense of security. In the past I have told myself many times ‘’See I can be without a drink if I want to so there is no problem, I can choose to have a drink today’’. It is funny how the drink today always progressed for a long period of time where I would drink every single day. Some days I wouldn’t even feel like it but routinely I would do so anyway – because that’s what I do, I drink.
My current mood is a bit low and managed to upset my partner yesterday by not showing him enough affection. He thinks I don't care about him when I am not present and drift away into my thoughts. It made me really sad yesterday when he expressed this but the truth is that at the moment it is so hard to pull a brave face and just try and be a functional human being, I just don't have that much of me left to give to him at the moment. I am supposedly the strong one in our relationship - he has history with depression so I have naturally been the one picking him up. Sometimes it would be nice if he could see that even though I appear strong I could do with some picking up too. But I am too proud to show weakness.
Maybe that is one of my downfalls, I struggle to share any of my emotional burden with anyone close to me and have this feeling that I am expected to be the strong one. Been reading lots of stuff here and a lot of the material has really resonated with me.
What comes to the dinner party I have found a simple solution as of now there is no change I can decline the invite – I will drive there. When you drive you don’t drink and then there is no questions asked. I have been putting off driving for a long time now so this is my challenge for myself, get driving, get myself out and about again, sober.
And what comes to the discussion with my partner I will delay this a bit, he doesn’t drink so he is unlikely to suggest any triggering activities. If and when he offers to bring me booze from the shop I will just simply say no thank you I am trying to lose some weight, which is also true.
Hope you all are having a good weekend.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Driving yourself sounds like a very sensible plan. Can you drive separately from your partner? You can always leave if things become uncomfortable for you - all you need do is whip up a sudden severe headache and drive yourself home.
It's concerning that you can't express your needs to him, but I think stopping the drink is an excellent first step on the way there.
Congratulations on 6 days - that's marvelous. Once you're through this evening, you'll wake up a week sober!
O
It's concerning that you can't express your needs to him, but I think stopping the drink is an excellent first step on the way there.
Congratulations on 6 days - that's marvelous. Once you're through this evening, you'll wake up a week sober!
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Obladi 
Driving yourself sounds like a very sensible plan. Can you drive separately from your partner? You can always leave if things become uncomfortable for you - all you need do is whip up a sudden severe headache and drive yourself home.
It's concerning that you can't express your needs to him, but I think stopping the drink is an excellent first step on the way there.
Congratulations on 6 days - that's marvelous. Once you're through this evening, you'll wake up a week sober!
O
It's concerning that you can't express your needs to him, but I think stopping the drink is an excellent first step on the way there.
Congratulations on 6 days - that's marvelous. Once you're through this evening, you'll wake up a week sober!
O
Been making some blackberry jam this morning and contemplating my situation and our relationship. I am hoping that I can start the discussion with my partner over this weekend, I just need to find the right moment. In this way he can have my back, just like you suggested. He is the best and kindest man I have ever known. It is just so embarrassing to admit to someone that you haven’t been in control of your own behaviour. None of this really fits my character either – even though it totally does! I have always succeeded in everything I do, I have such a high morale and I look after most of our responsibilities yet still I have managed to make such poor choices for myself, I can’t help but to feel like an idiot. I think he will have trouble believing that things have just really got out of hand for me.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
I get that, fletchling. What was hardest on me during my drinking years was the dissonance between who I believed myself to be and who I was when drinking. I wasn't a mean drunk at all, but I was a child who spent a lot of time isolating from everything and everyone. When I took my work friend out for coffee to tell her I was going into treatment some years back, she was completely surprised, had no idea I'd been struggling. That's how I was - able to function capably in the outside world and quite often even at home. Until I wasn't.
It needn't get that bad for you.
Let us know how the dinner party goes!
O
It needn't get that bad for you.
Let us know how the dinner party goes!
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Obladi
I get that, fletchling. What was hardest on me during my drinking years was the dissonance between who I believed myself to be and who I was when drinking. I wasn't a mean drunk at all, but I was a child who spent a lot of time isolating from everything and everyone. When I took my work friend out for coffee to tell her I was going into treatment some years back, she was completely surprised, had no idea I'd been struggling. That's how I was - able to function capably in the outside world and quite often even at home. Until I wasn't.
It needn't get that bad for you.
Let us know how the dinner party goes!
O
It needn't get that bad for you.
Let us know how the dinner party goes!
O
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
Today first time really struggling as a result of surprise visit from the mother in law & bottles of wine. Was contemplating long and hard whether to give in and have a glass. Poured a glass of tonic water and came here instead. Can't give in to this now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Obladi
Hi fletchling,
How did things turn out yesterday? How are you doing today?
O
How did things turn out yesterday? How are you doing today?
O
Today has been a good busy day, it is so good to keep busy - I really need it right now. Thank you for checking in on me.
And Dee, yes my MIL does often visit us so this is something I have to learn to deal with on a regular basis.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Fletch, you’re in the rIght place. I write because I wish I had someone to give me this message at your age.
You are very astute and you can see what’s going on. Continuing to drink is never going to lead anywhere, as you’re starting to notice. Like you said, you have everything under control right now: You aren’t acting crazy, you are good at your job, aren’t going to jail, you’re productive, etc. The booze isn’t ruining your life... yet. Sooner or later, it probably will.
I started to get very angry and crazy when I drank. At 26 I was totally fine. At 38 I was an angry drunk. Trust me, that’s not pretty.
Drinking alone is the definition of misery my friend. Been there, done that.
Even if things go along just fine for 20 years, going like you are, you are wasting valuable time. If I could go back to 26 years old and stop drinking, I’d be a Marine Biologist, an Attorney, a Kung Fu Master, and an Academy Award winning actor. Instead, I’m a big nothing right now. No job, no girl, living at my parents.
Life is too short to spend it drunk. When you really sober up you realize it’s a hell of a lot more fun to be sober.
Try going to an empty, beautiful tropical beach drunk, with a cooler full of booze. Then get a month sober and go back. Report back to me the difference in your experience. I think you’ll say the second experience was 1000% better than the 1st.
Stick with us at SR and drop booze like the trash it is.
🐍
You are very astute and you can see what’s going on. Continuing to drink is never going to lead anywhere, as you’re starting to notice. Like you said, you have everything under control right now: You aren’t acting crazy, you are good at your job, aren’t going to jail, you’re productive, etc. The booze isn’t ruining your life... yet. Sooner or later, it probably will.
I started to get very angry and crazy when I drank. At 26 I was totally fine. At 38 I was an angry drunk. Trust me, that’s not pretty.
Drinking alone is the definition of misery my friend. Been there, done that.
Even if things go along just fine for 20 years, going like you are, you are wasting valuable time. If I could go back to 26 years old and stop drinking, I’d be a Marine Biologist, an Attorney, a Kung Fu Master, and an Academy Award winning actor. Instead, I’m a big nothing right now. No job, no girl, living at my parents.
Life is too short to spend it drunk. When you really sober up you realize it’s a hell of a lot more fun to be sober.
Try going to an empty, beautiful tropical beach drunk, with a cooler full of booze. Then get a month sober and go back. Report back to me the difference in your experience. I think you’ll say the second experience was 1000% better than the 1st.
Stick with us at SR and drop booze like the trash it is.
🐍
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Viperidae
Fletch, you’re in the rIght place. I write because I wish I had someone to give me this message at your age.
You are very astute and you can see what’s going on. Continuing to drink is never going to lead anywhere, as you’re starting to notice. Like you said, you have everything under control right now: You aren’t acting crazy, you are good at your job, aren’t going to jail, you’re productive, etc. The booze isn’t ruining your life... yet. Sooner or later, it probably will.
I started to get very angry and crazy when I drank. At 26 I was totally fine. At 38 I was an angry drunk. Trust me, that’s not pretty.
Drinking alone is the definition of misery my friend. Been there, done that.
Even if things go along just fine for 20 years, going like you are, you are wasting valuable time. If I could go back to 26 years old and stop drinking, I’d be a Marine Biologist, an Attorney, a Kung Fu Master, and an Academy Award winning actor. Instead, I’m a big nothing right now. No job, no girl, living at my parents.
Life is too short to spend it drunk. When you really sober up you realize it’s a hell of a lot more fun to be sober.
Try going to an empty, beautiful tropical beach drunk, with a cooler full of booze. Then get a month sober and go back. Report back to me the difference in your experience. I think you’ll say the second experience was 1000% better than the 1st.
Stick with us at SR and drop booze like the trash it is.
🐍
You are very astute and you can see what’s going on. Continuing to drink is never going to lead anywhere, as you’re starting to notice. Like you said, you have everything under control right now: You aren’t acting crazy, you are good at your job, aren’t going to jail, you’re productive, etc. The booze isn’t ruining your life... yet. Sooner or later, it probably will.
I started to get very angry and crazy when I drank. At 26 I was totally fine. At 38 I was an angry drunk. Trust me, that’s not pretty.
Drinking alone is the definition of misery my friend. Been there, done that.
Even if things go along just fine for 20 years, going like you are, you are wasting valuable time. If I could go back to 26 years old and stop drinking, I’d be a Marine Biologist, an Attorney, a Kung Fu Master, and an Academy Award winning actor. Instead, I’m a big nothing right now. No job, no girl, living at my parents.
Life is too short to spend it drunk. When you really sober up you realize it’s a hell of a lot more fun to be sober.
Try going to an empty, beautiful tropical beach drunk, with a cooler full of booze. Then get a month sober and go back. Report back to me the difference in your experience. I think you’ll say the second experience was 1000% better than the 1st.
Stick with us at SR and drop booze like the trash it is.
🐍
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,409
You certainly sound like an alcoholic. Non-alcoholics likely don’t have a realisation that they’re alcoholic and then continue to drink alcohol. Control of consumption is one of the classic strategies of an alcoholic to try to disprove their alcoholism.
I suggest reading the ‘Dr’s opinion’ and ‘more about alcoholism’ in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. If you relate then check out some meetings and get working a recovery program such as the 12 steps.
All the best and keep reading, learning, and actively working everything to initiate change.
What does one need to change to recover from alcoholism? Everything 🙏
I suggest reading the ‘Dr’s opinion’ and ‘more about alcoholism’ in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. If you relate then check out some meetings and get working a recovery program such as the 12 steps.
All the best and keep reading, learning, and actively working everything to initiate change.
What does one need to change to recover from alcoholism? Everything 🙏
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 51
And I am back
About a year later I am back. Not that I haven’t taken a sneaky peak here every now and then. So what has been going on? Nobody probably will be surprised to hear that I eventually gave in and continued with my old destructive patterns of behaviour. What has been new pattern though is that I am highly aware of what I am doing and what ever I do, I do it more and for longer - drinking that is. Followed by longer periods or restrictions and then relapses followed by 3 weeks of drinking or so and then feeling of fear & out of control. At current I have been 12 days sober. God knows if I am done or not and if I am not done now when will I be done? This thought scares the living s*it out of me. Instead of telling myself I am not allowed to drink which I have done previously I am trying to reprogram my head to look at this as a curiosity project - what will happen without a drink, what will I be capable of doing. One of the major realisations lately has been - reality is still the same. Nothing changes as a result of drink and none of my pain goes away, it only grows. Lately, I have been filled with newly found gratitude that I am, I exist, I really don’t want to mess up the only life I have - I deserve better than that! I probably won’t be logging in too often as I noticed last time that more I thought about not drinking the harder it was not to do so. Now I try to distract myself with other means although I recognise it is important to speak to people who are alike. My friends to the day do not take me seriously but it’s ok, they have never lived in my personal hell that is my alcoholism, I forgive them. Thank you for being there.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
Amazing how quickly isolation can make a year fly by, huh? Welcome back.
Just a suggestion to counter your (your addiction's?) plan to not post here too often: What about if you turned your thinking on it's head and started to celebrate that you have the choice to not drink? I've heard people speak about what a relief it was for them to realize they never have to drink again.
What do you have to lose? That's a serious question - I think it's really beneficial to understand what alcohol is doing for you. If you can. I actually couldn't fully absorb what that "something" was until I'd stopped drinking for a couple of months. Now, with some additional distance, it's as clear as day and points to the problem(s) I need to (get to) address more productively.
O
Just a suggestion to counter your (your addiction's?) plan to not post here too often: What about if you turned your thinking on it's head and started to celebrate that you have the choice to not drink? I've heard people speak about what a relief it was for them to realize they never have to drink again.
What do you have to lose? That's a serious question - I think it's really beneficial to understand what alcohol is doing for you. If you can. I actually couldn't fully absorb what that "something" was until I'd stopped drinking for a couple of months. Now, with some additional distance, it's as clear as day and points to the problem(s) I need to (get to) address more productively.
O
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
welcome back fletchling 
I really believe we have a say in when we're done - its not decided by outside events or calamities.
I really believe if we put all our efforts into not drinking we can get and stay sober.
Think about all the things you can do besides posting here - where can you find support? how best to use that support? what changes do you need to make in lifestyle, problem solving and self medicating?
Once you start to get the answers to questions like those, you're starting to build an action plan - and thats a good thing
D
I really believe we have a say in when we're done - its not decided by outside events or calamities.
I really believe if we put all our efforts into not drinking we can get and stay sober.
Think about all the things you can do besides posting here - where can you find support? how best to use that support? what changes do you need to make in lifestyle, problem solving and self medicating?
Once you start to get the answers to questions like those, you're starting to build an action plan - and thats a good thing
D
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