fletchling

Hi

Currently having so many emotions and thoughts running through my head that I find writing this a little difficult so bear with me. I guess a little insight into my current situation may be helpful for you all to get to know me…
I am only young. Or I like to think that having only just turned 26. I have been scrolling through this forum for months now reading stories of alcoholism and recovery and it has given me some hope that I am not alone as lately I have become aware of the fact that my relationship with alcohol is everything but healthy, this scares the crap out of me as I do not want things to proceed to the point where everything I have worked hard for is gone. I always thought that I could choose to have or not to have a drink, yet it turns out that things aren’t as black and white and in fact I am not as much in control of my alcohol use as I thought I was.

I am aware of that I suffer from severe anxiety. Anxiety to the point that I avoid many situations when I am sober. If I have that little bit to drink – I am happy to talk to anyone and everyone. Social anxiety is without a doubt one of my root causes for drinking. Not that I must drink when I am around people, but it just makes it bearable for me. This of course eliminates some activities from my normal life i.e. anything even remotely social which would require me to be sober. You guessed it right, I don’t have any hobbies. And as I don’t have hobbies because of my ridiculous fear of people, being failure, being awkward, having to be myself, I spend a lot of my time alone. Being alone is boring and I am bored constantly, so then I drink to fix my boredom. I know that I should seek help for my anxiety and hopefully soon enough I will. I drink every day but only in the evenings, unless someone suggests a day pint in a pub well it probably goes without saying that I don’t object! And 1 pint is never just a pint, often its 3, 4, 5 or 6, after which I proceed to drink more at home - most often alone. I have also recognised a pattern in my behaviour which is that I can decide not to drink for a week, two or three but then I tell myself that I can have an occasional glass of wine, having a glass of wine will lead to 2 months of having several glasses per day until I decide that this is enough and the cycle starts again.
I used to be quite confident, witty, outgoing and full of fun. Today I am quite the opposite and have not managed to get up from the sofa. I am missing enjoying life, like being truly happy and excited about the little things. I have lost my interest in almost everything, the only remaining interest being my studies outside of my drinking. I think I have been aware of my love for alcohol for a long time now. In fact I can recall a moment when I was waiting for my flight at airport near 5 years ago where I surrendered to the thought that it is likely that I am an alcoholic. After the panic of this realisation I pulled my act together as I felt I had only two ways to go on about this and that was to either live or die (quite dramatic I know), and if I decided to live I thought might as well give it a go and live the best life possible and aim as high as I can. With years of having a full-time job and carrying out part time studies I finally got myself into the degree course of my dreams. During these years of literally working my arse off, I think I was actually really happy but then slowly the behaviour started again where I would reward myself of a job well done (be that anything from cleaning the house to walking the dog to finishing a busy week at work) with a half a bottle of wine several times a week. It quickly became a daily habit with increasing amounts of alcohol which now I am afraid I don’t know how to stop as I do not trust myself anymore.

I have always told myself that alcohol suits me, I don’t do stupid things, I am not argumentative, I do not black out, I don’t spend more money than I can afford and I always wake up in the morning and carry out my responsibilities to the highest standard and therefore I believe that even my partner doesn’t understand to question my drinking habits, he views me as a ‘’sensible drinker’’ (which nobody who drinks weekly approx. 40-50 units is) who just likes to have a drink to relax. But the truth is that I am far from sensible. I am terrified, I am weak, I am bored, I am anxious but most of all I am ashamed of myself. I think this is the moment where I must grab this habit by the balls or otherwise it will eventually consume everything I have. Thank you for reading.

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

Face it, you drink. It's what alcoholics do. If you want to quit, coming here is a great first step.

Callas

You sound very mature. I wish I had your insights at 26. Just today I contemplated how different and much better my life would have been if I stopped earlier. 26 would have been perfect.

fletchling

Ok, I have to be honest here. Reading your reply first took me by surprise and made me feel really unpleasant. However after exploring this feeling I realised that it wasn't your reply at all but in fact it was the alcoholic in me who got defensive. This was exactly what I needed to hear to truly appreciate that how the addicted mind plays tricks on you so I say huge thank you for replying today. Yes, I am looking to quit, now more than ever before.

doggonecarl

I'm glad you were able to gain some value from my post. I probably should have given a more comprehensive reply. I was trying to say, "Don't focus on the reasons you drink." There are be many and identifying them (or justifying them, as the case may be) doesn't really help with recovery.

I drank daily for 35 years. One could say I had a whole lot of reasons...or just one. I decided there was one, and there was one solution. Quitting. For good.

Don't wait 35 years to decide you shouldn't be drinking.

SoberRican

Hello and welcome. I you want to quit boozing you are off to good start by coming here. If you are not a people person per se unless your boozing. Thats ok . I dont go to AA or in person stuff. However I do alot of reading. If you have not read the blue AA book I would suggest you do so. Be amazed how accurate it is . but anyways. If you want to pull the trigger and get sober then do it. For the most part not drinking is the easy part. Its staying sober that folks stumble on. And like some folks said and myself I wish I jad that mind set at your age. But hey better late than never for me. I am at day 114 sober. And what works for me is coming here reading and posting . you are not alone here.

Hevyn

Welcome Fletchling - it's so good to have you join us.

Like Callas, I wish I had seen the light when I was 26. I kept trying to manage it - life without it seemed impossible. As a result, many years later I had to pick up the pieces of a ruined life. This doesn't have to happen to you. Please stay with us & keep posting.

fletchling

Thank you for shedding more insight into your initial message. I understand the concept of not focusing on the reasons I drink as I have now walked the path of justifying my drinking habits for long enough (I hope). At this moment of time however I do feel that I have to focus a little on some of these reasons as for many years I have been in complete denial thinking I could just bury all my fears under the carpet. Now finally I feel that I have to be able to build a better relationship with myself to support my sober way of life and vice versa. I am still not quite convinced what came first the chicken or the egg so please bear with me.

fletchling

Thank you for your lovely reply. I totally recognise myself in the sentence ''I kept trying to manage it - life without it seemed impossible''. For the past years these have been my thoughts exactly and even now in this very moment followed by these thoughts I have the cold sweat of fear creeping over me. But, I am intending to give this a serious go now. I am done failing myself.

Lucinda2

Welcome, Fletchling.

Your patterns sound much like mine.

I hope you stick around and find peace.

Warm wishes
Lucinda.

fletchling

fletchling

fletchling

Lucinda2

Hi Fletching.
Just popped in to let you know that I am thinking of you today.

There is some great reading on AVRT on this forum which I found helpful. Also helpful - Allen Carr's Easyway to Stop Drinking.

I look forward to journeying with you.

Warm wishes
Lucinda

Dee74

Hi and welcome fletchling (great name)

I too was anxious and I thought alcohol was the only quiver for my bow...turns it was anything but a help - it made my anxiety worse over the decades I drank.

This community helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same

D

ShiftHappens

You sound like me too.

I STARTED at 26 to cope with social anxiety

My ex husband is Italian and always had wine in the house. He was an injured nyc firefighter who also took alot of pain and sleep meds

I didnt even realize it was a becoming a problem for me too having grown up in a family of tea totalers due to my grandffathers early death from alcohol.

Im in such a bad state now. I need so much help.

DriGuy

I wish I would have been as aware at 26. I could have saved myself a lot of grief.

fletchling

Hi, it's me again. First of all massive thank you all for your kind words and support. It is funny how even small encouraging messages from practically a group of strangers can totally make ones day.
I have had a really busy week, not even thought about alcohol during day time but unfortunately the thought has crept up on me in the evening, but I have stayed strong and not acted on the desire.
I am really worried about the weekend though as I have no plans yet. To fill my time I have been contemplating on contacting some friends who have children as I know they wouldn't be suggesting any booze filled activities anyway. I am also really worried about a party I have been invited to. I have never ever said no to alcohol and these people know for a fact that I like my drink. I wouldn't be happy to tell them the truth either for declining a drink and this makes me nervous. You all know how some people get funny about not drinking right? It is just a casual dinner party so no biggie really - I just need to make a plan what to say so that it won't draw everyone's attention to me.
I also find it scary and difficult to discuss about all of this with my partner, I just don't know how to approach the conversation ''Hey, by the way I won't be drinking anymore, like I mean ever again as I think I am an alcoholic'' feels like a really weird way to put it and what makes it harder is that I know he will say ''Oh don't be stupid darling of course you are not!!!''. Unfortunately, he is absolutely clueless about what really has been going on with me for a long time now. Suggestions?

Callas

For the moment just pull the I am on anti-biotics can’t drink at the moment trick. It will take you through the weekend.

doggonecarl

Recovering alcoholics aren't the only people who don't drink. My sister doesn't drink, never drank.

When I quit, I just told people I quit drinking. A few asked why. Others cared less. I told the people close to me it was because alcohol was giving me problems.

As for strangers or mere acquaintances, I told them "I don't drink." I didn't add "....anymore." or "...because I'm an alcoholic." I just don't drink. Don't have to justify, and don't have to because frankly no one really gives a hoot.

So you don't have to tell anyone anything, or you could say you are doing it for health reasons.

As for your party, you might think about skipping. I had a strong resolve when I quit, but I wasn't going to add to the temptation. You'll have plenty of time for parties when you are secure in your sobriety. Until then, work on your sober muscles. Good luck.