SoberMe83

I'm still trying to piece the whole night together but seems like I showered, for some reason, at the hotel then we made out.

Seemingly falling asleep or passing out. She doesn't remember any more than that and I had no other smells except on my hand.

Wife is obviously still absolutely furious, but still willing to do counseling and me to stop drinking is a must.

WIwoman

I am sorry about the pain you are in, I have been there before and it sucks. I believe a very drunk person is not him or herself. I have done things drunk that I never in a million years would have done sober. It's one reason it sucks to get punished in sober life for drunk life...as I've gotten older, I realized that it's not other people's responsibility to forgive the out of character drunk behavior, it is my responsibility not to drink. That said I do hope your wife forgives you and that this is a turning point in your life.

Dropsie

SM,

Buckley3 has it nailed. All of it.

Respect and trust is the key to a happy marriage.

You will need to rebuild that.

At least she knows that you were honest, which would help me a long way in getting back.

But don't expect it to be easy. And a year from now, you will feel like, really, is it this again.

But you got to own it forever.

Own the suck.

But if this is the moment you stop the cycle, it will be the best thing that ever happened to you. That you will have to trust me on.

But if a couple weeks from now you think you are okay and have a few, I fear she will be done.

You really do need to own this.

Lean on us.

August252015

So you told her on the phone? After only a very short time to think that through?

While that is what I'd think an unfortunate decision, you already did it. Going home early is a good idea- are you there yet?

It takes a long time to repair damage in families and in marriages - some make it, some don't. Ultimately, you have to want to get sober for YOU - as I've heard plenty of times in AA, a family or spouse can be a good spur at the beginning but it has to be for you, ultimately, regardless of what happens in your life. Once you are sober, you can actually begin to work on your new life, and gradually learn how to make "the next right choice."

Do you want to be sober? Or do you just want your wife's forgiveness?

Ultimately: what lengths are you willing to go to in order to get and stay sober, make changes to stay this way, and accept the consequences that will come?

Recovery in all ways is possible....it's usually a long journey. Best to you.

SoberMe83

I do finally want to be sober and get her forgiveness. I've tried to deny this for s long time that I needed help or that I could control it. I went thru something similar a few years ago with the excess drinking and blackouts while lying to her about it and going out when I was away for about 3 months out of a 6 month trip.

I stopped drinking and went to church every weekend until the end of that trip, which helped immensely. Thought I was fine. Came back and gradually has come back. Lately, I have been having more drinks at home while doing work also.

Typing the beginning of my post made me realize that this has been an issue for a long time but took something as stupid and horrible as this to see it.

I need to be sober so those don't happen again, that I don't wind up in a ditch or worse, need to be there for my kids and my wife, if it still works out. Even then, I know that this thing will not go away on its on or, at this point, attempt to be semi-controlled.

wynwrights

Divorce is not necessarily a given, not right now and not in the future, either. Relationships are never that cut and dried, and that should give you hope: all of us are able to make amends and to repair some, if not all of the damage we’ve done to others and to our relationships. However! What should — what needs to be — on the cards now is a single-minded focus on sobriety, both for your own sake and for that of your family. Show your wife you are sorry for what you have done by showing her you are committed to ending your drinking now, and let your self-respect come back to the surface by stopping the behaviour that’s currently causing such damage to yourself and those around you. Plus, as a mother myself and a (sober) alcoholic, I can tell you that anyone that drinks as you do or even as I did is a sorry excuse for a parent and that your children deserve more.

I send my very best to you. You can stop drinking. You can be sober. And, by doing these things, you can make the amends to your family that you so desperately want to make. It all starts with not drinking, so stop now!

Dee74

Welcome SoberMe

I'm sorry it's taken something like this to lead you to decide to stop drinking, but you will find support here.

I think you did the right thing telling your wife and marriage counselling sounds like a pretty good idea too. I know it's hard not to focus on that stuff but so give some though to how you're going to stay sober as well.

It should be pretty easy short term given the regret and shame and your wife's anger but none of those things have a tendency to last, whereas our commitment to sobriety has to be enduring

D

markinny

welcome..and thanks for sharing.

I agree with gellybelly on this one. so did you phone or text her this wonderful news. your willingness for honesty almost seems a little too willing. I wouldn't have done it unless I wanted to hurt them....or make them very angry. I would pray a lot. I hope you stay sober. theres lots of good info on this site to get you started.

August252015

You have to stop drinking first.

Everything else follows from that.

For me, there was no other way to do it than that order.

Onmyhighway

I am a type of drinker I classify as all or nothing. If its there I am going to drink it all, or pass out trying. Some of the allure to drinking for me was that I became someone different. Less anxious, more talkative and outgoing. But I also found out that this side of me has a very dark side. Ive said and done things that I can't take back. Belittled people, got into legal trouble. After taking a long look at it alcohol has never done me any favors and caused lots more harm than anything good. I'm only 5 days sober and I already feel so much better and productive. I can also tell you from experience that you're going to have to let her have her time to go through what she needs to. Youre going to be that bad guy but you can do things to make it better and quitting drinking would be a good first step to show her that you're serious about saving your relationship and changing into who you need to be.

3trees

i am sorry you are hurting.
i am sorry your wife is hurting.
things will be better when you get home.
you will have hard things to face there, but at least you will be home.
this is when the work starts.

in the meantime, keep your head together.
you made a terrible mistake.
we all have.
that is why we are here.

take a deep breath
drink a lot of water
pray, if that is your thing

and stop drinking.

SoberMe83

I'm quite literally really similar. When I go, I usually go hard. I've been going thru a few exercises and assessments today. Seems like the reasons of my drinking come down to:
Self-esteem
Wanting to be more sociable or likeable
Trying to be more popular
Relieve my stress to a point of a total release and no care
Makes me "feel good" until the next day that is
It kind of ties back, but enjoyed that "high" or numbness that I would get.
To kind of become a different person, like was mentioned above

A lot of those go back to wanting to be accepted or liked. I have struggled with that for a long time, since middle school.


Sober for 2 days.

wehav2day

Hi, good for you for posting, there s a lot of good advise and caring folks here. Sorry things got to this point for you, but you can do so much better and recover from alcoholism.

Honesty is the cornerstone of a good marriage

Honesty is the cornerstone of recovery.

There are some who argue that sometimes in a marriage dishonesty is for the greater good. Cheating is not one of them.

And dishonesty just plain makes recovery impossible. We tell so many lies to others but even more to ourselves when we drink. “It’s ok, I’m not that bad, I’ll stop when I need to, I can stop anytime I want...” all lies. Until we stop lying we can’t be free.

It is unrealistic and unfair to your wife to think for a minute that she can or should keep you sober or on the right track. That job is yours and yours alone (well you and higher power, in case of aa). My sobriety is my responsibility too.

Keep sober. Do the next right thing, and the next right thing after that. No matter what. Focus on recovery, for recovery’s sake. To have a better life. If you’re lucky AND you’re wife is willing, you may repair your marriage.

Newmee2018

I agree %100 with this.

Berrybean

Well, this can be your rock bottom, if you choose for it to be.

Why not look up the AA meetings in your area and go along and try it for at least a month to see if it helps? (you can't really tell just by the first couple of meetings). As you work away at times AA is a good option as there will be meetings nearby that you can attend in most places you go to, so instead of hitting the bars and casino rather than being alone and lonesome you could go visit a ready made recovery-family in a meeting instead. It really does make a big difference to have that support when travelling and temptation may come in ways we aren't so used to.

You don't need to dig any further down if you don't want to. Every drink you pick up is like brandishing the shovel and digging deeper. The choice is yours.

BB

Buckley3

Pick up an AA 'Big Book.' Even if you don't use AA's program there's a lot of learn about the nature of alcoholism beyond just the use of alcohol.

A lot of what you listed checks the boxes. I think you'll find it eye opening. There are a lot of - and I mean A LOT of - popular misconceptions about AA and what alcoholism is. You can't afford to let your ego think it knows all there is to know about this (not saying you are, but it's a very common thing) or let what society thinks alcoholism is be your understanding. That's a big time trap. You have to develop & cultivate you own honest & wide eyed understanding of the nature of the beast if you intend on dealing with it.

Plenty of resources around here to educate yourself with. Knowledge is power. Be independent. Trust yourself and your heart. Be the unique and original person you know you want to be. Educate yourself from the source and make your own independent decisions.

-B

SoberMe83

Thank you all for the support.

My wife and I have been talking more. I know we have a ways to go, but good to hear her say that she still loves me and that we would have more serious problems if we didn't give a shot to work thru it...with no guarantees still.

I opened up on some ..or a few..things that happened to me when I was a child, but I've never really told her about... just hinted at. I hadnt spoken about those things since they happened when I was real little.

After bringing that up, it seems like I could see a clear road map to how I came to abuse alcohol and my views on sex, too, for that matter.

I went to get a drug test today because Im travelling outside of US and not everything adds up with what happened and having 0 semblance of a hangover. Seems that its possible that I could've been scooped or drugged but either way....im still going sober and doing counseling.

Thanks again.

aliciagr

My husband cheated on me when he was using coke and drinking. Except he didn't tell me initially, so I applaud you for being honest with your wife from the beginning. We have worked through what happened and also used family therapy to do so. It may sound bizarre but through dealing with his addiction issues and everything that came from it - we formed a deeper relationship, rebuilt trust, and I think we communicate much better now. Plus we both know not to take what we have for granted. I hope things work out for both of you and hey don't overlook the dangers that could come from these blackouts. I found out about the affair because my husband got a treatable STD. Try having THAT conversation. Not good.

FreeOwl

good on ya for fessing up. You stand a better shot than I did. I failed to take responsibility for my choices and actions in betrayal for a very long time.

I also failed to acknowledge that alcohol was the reason I'd chosen betrayal and found ways to rationalize and justify it.

Despite my fallen-short efforts to be 'forgiven' - I didn't truly take responsibility for my part of it.... so she could never really forgive. Nearly a decade later we divorced sadly....

Speaking as a man who betrayed his wife, failed to own up to it until caught, failed even then to truly OWN my actions, failed to recognize or act on my alcoholism and addiction, failed myself and my then-wife..... I will offer you my honest reflection:

I hope that you'll embrace sobriety.

I hope that you'll do so with utter humility.

I hope that you'll do everything to show your wife you are truly sorry and accept the pain, the mistrust, the anger and the despair of it as your rightful due....

I hope that you'll find in this dismal time, the strength to be the man I was too weak to be in your shoes - and I hope in so doing you'll save yourself a decade of madness, pain, anguish and sorrow.... and help your wife heal and, with time and work, love through this to a better place together.

SoberMe83

Thank you. I also plan to get one as soon as I get back. Because if where I am, the standard is to get the PEP meds/retroviral stuff...they decided to go ahead and give me that. We supposedly didn't have sex and, like I said, no smells...but still. Taking them now. So damn scary to sit there and think about it as a reality.