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Pregnant and can't get control

Old 01-06-2018, 09:25 PM
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Pregnant and can't get control

Hi. I'm new here and this is the first time I'm trying to access some support. I know what I'm sharing is horrible. I'm 18 weeks pregnant and realizing that alcohol has a bigger grip on me than I ever thought. I went through my first trimester not drinking at all. I just knew it wasn't an option. After a healthy 12 week ultrasound, I went off the handle. My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce for months and my only coping strategy for several years now has been alcohol, so that's what I went to. In the past month or so I've had several binges (and not small ones). Now it's been nearly a week. And I go hard (2 days ago I was horrified to find I drank a whole bottle of vodka).

I promised this would never be me. I never even imagined I was capable of this. I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I try to reassure myself, to feel better by reading the research (meta-analysis showing "binge drinking hasn't been found to have any significant effects on the fetus" and rationalizing that even the vast majority of regular heavy drinkers still have healthy babies). What is wrong with me??? And I know everyone will say "get help". Agreed. I need it. I work in a profession where I will one hundred percent recognize people at meetings or other groups ... it will definitely hurt my profession. How else can I do this? I don't want to keep hurting my baby ... and I am going to be honest, but right now, there is no connection to this baby yet. I don't understand what it is like to have a baby, a child. This baby was wanted, I feel so guilty feeling and saying these things. I am not seeing the real consequences although I know I should. I am a loving rational person. But I don't think I have control anymore and I'm looking for some support, some advice, something to help me in the right direction. Thanks.
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Old 01-06-2018, 09:41 PM
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Welcome CGC,

This is gonna sound harsh but you have to stop. And if that means going to support groups where people with drinking problems recognizes you then so be it. You are literally killing another human being by your actions. So, you need to get humble and realize that not only is sobriety best for you but your unborn child. There is help and you have to get it. And I mean ASAP as in yesterday. I pray that you do the right thing and go to meetings, therapy, rehab, detox, whatever it takes.
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Old 01-06-2018, 09:43 PM
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Hi Cantgetcontrol,

I'm so glad you came here and posted, and that you want to be sober for you and your baby. There are programs available to support you, have you looked into any in your area?
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Old 01-06-2018, 10:06 PM
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Please stop. My girlfriend has an adoptive son who has fetal alcohol syndrome. It is just awful. He has a life sentence and did nothing to deserve it. He now has to live in group homes because as he has gotten older and stronger he is a danger to his family yet has the mental capacity of a 6 year old. Her younger two adopted children have it to but not as severe and still face so many challenges because their brains are still damaged just not to the extent their older brothers is.

This can have devastating and irreversible effects on a developing baby. Please reach out and find programs to help you.
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Old 01-06-2018, 11:07 PM
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Hi and welcome cantgetcontrol

This is obviously an emotive issue not only for you but for others too so I hope you'll take the straight talking here in the spirit of help in which its presented.

I would see your OB gyn and make a clean breast of everything.

I'm sure you're not the first mother would ever presented there with alcohol problems - they may be able to help or direct you to someone who can.

Yes it will be scary and maybe a little embarrassing to break cover - but you have a responsibility to this little bub inside you who deserves every chance you can give it...even if you've not bonded with it yet I'm sure you will, especially if you stay sober, leave the addicted you behind, and get back in touch with the real, genuine, uncorrupted you

D
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Old 01-07-2018, 12:41 AM
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Hi cantgetcontrol and welcome to you.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in and send you much sympathy. If alcoholism were just as simple as understanding the consequences things would be much easier. But it isn't like that. As you say, it is completely out of control. I got that way after my children were born and as much as I understood what I was doing was negatively impacting them and as much as I wanted to stop, I had a lot of trouble doing so. You are right, you need support and help to do this. And yes, you must do it. For your child and also for you. There is help available and group meetings are not the only way. You can seek the private help of your doctor or a psychiatrist/psychologist. It does sound like some face to face support would be beneficial for you.
Can you research today the options available to you locally? There are laws in place to protect your privacy as well.
I also agree with Dee, I think you need to get to your gyno and speak honestly about what has been going on. They can keep a close eye on the development of the baby and also help you find local options for help with your alcoholism.

I also wanted to talk to you about not feeling a connection to your baby. I want to tell you that it is ok, it will be ok. I remember when my son was born and I just kind of felt "meh" about the whole thing. I had seen all kinds of Facebook posts from friends, photos of them with their just born babies "Love at first sight!" "my whole heart!" all kinds of notes about motherhood and the incredible, immediate bond. I felt confused and horrible that I didn't feel the same way. I felt like a terrible mother. I wondered if I would ever truly love my son. I passed some difficult first months, but slowly the love started to grow. And I do mean slowly. I was a good mother and took care of him, but now with this gooey, lovey dovey, overwhelming glow. But eventually it came. I began to love him more and more as we got to know one another. I think that sometimes the love between a mother and child is not much different from a romantic love in that it takes time, getting to know one another, and grows as the relationship develops. I now can say without hesitation that I love both my children more than anything in the entire world and my heart explodes just thinking of them. But the fact that it took time is ok and happens sometimes.

Getting rid of the alcohol in your system will give you a clear head to face this process. Being drunk or hungover will stunt if not all out prevent this love from coming. It is hard to care about anything else when you are in an altered state or recovering.

I wish you all the best and do hope you will get in to see your doctor as soon as possible. Please get help, you deserve it and your baby deserves it.
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Old 01-07-2018, 12:56 AM
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Your pride or your baby. Simple.
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Old 01-07-2018, 02:40 AM
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The honest truth is that once you have the baby, you will wish like hell that you could turn back the hands of time and not have drank.

If you think you can FOREVER live with the consequences of possibly harming your child then risk it. But, if you canít, then terminate (sorry for being harsh). If itís past termination for you, then God be with you.
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:08 AM
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I can offer a resource for you:

National Organization on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

https://www.nofas.org

The founder of this organization was an alcoholic/addict who had more than one child with severe birth defects because of her drinking and drugging. She has been sober now for many years and has dedicated her life to recovery and prevention of fetal alcohol syndrome.

I wish you success in getting the help you need.
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Old 01-07-2018, 03:48 AM
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Hi cantgetcontrol and welcome to you.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in and send you much sympathy. If alcoholism were just as simple as understanding the consequences things would be much easier. But it isn't like that. As you say, it is completely out of control. I got that way after my children were born and as much as I understood what I was doing was negatively impacting them and as much as I wanted to stop, I had a lot of trouble doing so. You are right, you need support and help to do this. And yes, you must do it. For your child and also for you. There is help available and group meetings are not the only way. You can seek the private help of your doctor or a psychiatrist/psychologist. It does sound like some face to face support would be beneficial for you.
Can you research today the options available to you locally? There are laws in place to protect your privacy as well.
I also agree with Dee, I think you need to get to your gyno and speak honestly about what has been going on. They can keep a close eye on the development of the baby and also help you find local options for help with your alcoholism.

I also wanted to talk to you about not feeling a connection to your baby. I want to tell you that it is ok, it will be ok. I remember when my son was born and I just kind of felt "meh" about the whole thing. I had seen all kinds of Facebook posts from friends, photos of them with their just born babies "Love at first sight!" "my whole heart!" all kinds of notes about motherhood and the incredible, immediate bond. I felt confused and horrible that I didn't feel the same way. I felt like a terrible mother. I wondered if I would ever truly love my son. I passed some difficult first months, but slowly the love started to grow. And I do mean slowly. I was a good mother and took care of him, but now with this gooey, lovey dovey, overwhelming glow. But eventually it came. I began to love him more and more as we got to know one another. I think that sometimes the love between a mother and child is not much different from a romantic love in that it takes time, getting to know one another, and grows as the relationship develops. I now can say without hesitation that I love both my children more than anything in the entire world and my heart explodes just thinking of them. But the fact that it took time is ok and happens sometimes.

Getting rid of the alcohol in your system will give you a clear head to face this process. Being drunk or hungover will stunt if not all out prevent this love from coming. It is hard to care about anything else when you are in an altered state or recovering.

I wish you all the best and do hope you will get in to see your doctor as soon as possible. Please get help, you deserve it and your baby deserves it.
I want to echo everything Mera has said. I cannot go to groups either for the same reasons as you. Go to a private psychiatrist who is knowledgable in the area of addiction. They will be able to help you.
It took enormous courage for you to post this....it is a wonderful first step. So well done. Be proud of that.
I hope you will continue to reach out here on SR. Yes, there are consequences to drinking when pregnant but it is quite possible that your baby is fine. A doctor can talk you through the risks and options for you and advise you on supports available.
I wish you all the best.
DS
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Old 01-07-2018, 04:32 AM
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Thank you for those who have offered kind words of support and encouragement. It's really what I need right now to go on.

The guilt right now is just so overwhelming. I wish I could turn everything around right now. I wish to god this wasn't my reality. I feel like the worst person in the word right now. I have spoken to my professional organization who have told me there are options for people in my position who cannot reasonably access public health support systems. I am waiting to hear back about the options but they have in the meantime connected me with a private psychologist who works with addictions.

I really don't want to do this anymore. I need to face this and not keep denying it (first time I've spoken out now is to this group). I woke up with the belief, and I need to believe it, that "never again". Never again can I let this happen to my baby anymore. Never again can I touch alcohol during this pregnancy. I need to get through today, tomorrow. I made it through the first 12 weeks sober, right? I just need to "get control" somehow. I don't know what I can do now (other than of course stop) to help baby's chances. Any ideas? I am just praying like crazy that baby will be ok. I have heard stories of hope in that respect, and certainly if anyone has any hopeful stories, I would be grateful to hear them. Praying. (and maybe realizing this baby is my lifesaver to get help and face this).
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Old 01-07-2018, 05:47 AM
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If you truly cannot stop right now I would talk to my doctor about taking antabuse. At least for the next 22 weeks until you give birth. I am not aware of fetal side effects but they would know for sure.
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:05 AM
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Sigh. As I understand it every pregnancy is different. I don't believe anyone can give you 'hopeful' stories of binging and everything being ok....that is simply a way to hide in denial.

Get honest. With yourself. With your dr. With your husband, the father. One day at a time. Do the right thing, even when no one is looking. All the hiding and secrets will drive you insane....do it now.

One day at a time. All any of have is today. A day to take hold and do what is right.
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:33 AM
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A friend of mine drank very heavy and smoked in both her pregnancy sand both her baby's turned out fine ... But it's not worth the risk ! Please please don't pick another drink up for the reSt of our pregnancy xxxx good luck
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Old 01-07-2018, 06:44 AM
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AA isnít the only recovery plan option. Have you heard about AVRT?

You are not alone and you do have power!

Rely on us, we are here for support!
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:18 AM
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FAS is a huge problem in alaska, it's sad when you can look out on the population and actually see it in people.

I've known some raging alcoholics who put the bottle down for those nine months and then went back to carrying on due to fear of FAS. Their babies are fine, their family is kind of a mess now that the father who was a pilot failed a pre flight test.
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:23 AM
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Please see your doctor and be honest with them. they will have come across this before. this is something we can't 'control'. it's not a case of learning to control our drinking. We have to stop. Time and keeping drinking are not an option for you. Please seek help.

Doctors will know when your baby is born if it suffers from FAS and there is a real chance they will remove the baby from you unless you seek help and show that you are getting help for your problem. You will never forgive yourself if your baby has FAS. Other FAS symptoms may not show themselves for years.

You say you drank a bottle of vodka and you write as though you didn't know you had so assuming you blacked out. there is a real risk of miscarriage or stillbirth too if you keep drinking which is just horrendous. you clearly can't do this alone so please seek help. What is worse - fear of people maybe looking at you for seeking help or having a mentallly and physically damaged baby caused by your actions.

I don't think stories of oh I had a drink and my baby was fine are helpful as give false hope. Seriously don't think anyone thinks a baby can drink a bottle of vodka and be ok.

I know it is a very emotive subject and hope you stick around here but get real f2f help too.
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:25 AM
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I don't know if inpatient rehab is available to you, but if it is, please do it. I don't have to tell you how much shame you will feel if you don't get this under control. Even if you were able to drink through your entire pregnancy and have a healthy baby (probably can't) you would still have an infant to take care of and be an active alcoholic. At least right now you can't drop the baby. What happens when you are passed out and the baby is crying? I am really not trying to shame you at all. I know you are already hating yourself. I just want you to see that now is the perfect time to get this under control, even if you have to go away to do it.

Good luck. You and your baby are worth a true life. You need to find help to make that a reality.
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:43 AM
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I really hope you find all the help and support you need. And please get it quickly. It sounds like an incredibly painful situation you are in and I just want to send you my love and best wishes. Gabe x
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Old 01-07-2018, 07:54 AM
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I really hope you get the help you need and please STOP drinking now. I have micro preemies (not from drinking) and I could barely live with myself thinking of all the things I may have done wrong when I was carrying them.

I'm praying for you and your unborn baby!
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