Hi cantgetcontrol and welcome to you.
I am so sorry for the situation you are in and send you much sympathy. If alcoholism were just as simple as understanding the consequences things would be much easier. But it isn't like that. As you say, it is completely out of control. I got that way after my children were born and as much as I understood what I was doing was negatively impacting them and as much as I wanted to stop, I had a lot of trouble doing so. You are right, you need support and help to do this. And yes, you must do it. For your child and also for you. There is help available and group meetings are not the only way. You can seek the private help of your doctor or a psychiatrist/psychologist. It does sound like some face to face support would be beneficial for you.
Can you research today the options available to you locally? There are laws in place to protect your privacy as well.
I also agree with Dee, I think you need to get to your gyno and speak honestly about what has been going on. They can keep a close eye on the development of the baby and also help you find local options for help with your alcoholism.
I also wanted to talk to you about not feeling a connection to your baby. I want to tell you that it is ok, it will be ok. I remember when my son was born and I just kind of felt "meh" about the whole thing. I had seen all kinds of Facebook posts from friends, photos of them with their just born babies "Love at first sight!" "my whole heart!" all kinds of notes about motherhood and the incredible, immediate bond. I felt confused and horrible that I didn't feel the same way. I felt like a terrible mother. I wondered if I would ever truly love my son. I passed some difficult first months, but slowly the love started to grow. And I do mean slowly. I was a good mother and took care of him, but now with this gooey, lovey dovey, overwhelming glow. But eventually it came. I began to love him more and more as we got to know one another. I think that sometimes the love between a mother and child is not much different from a romantic love in that it takes time, getting to know one another, and grows as the relationship develops. I now can say without hesitation that I love both my children more than anything in the entire world and my heart explodes just thinking of them. But the fact that it took time is ok and happens sometimes.
Getting rid of the alcohol in your system will give you a clear head to face this process. Being drunk or hungover will stunt if not all out prevent this love from coming. It is hard to care about anything else when you are in an altered state or recovering.
I wish you all the best and do hope you will get in to see your doctor as soon as possible. Please get help, you deserve it and your baby deserves it.