cantgetcontrol

Hi. I'm new here and this is the first time I'm trying to access some support. I know what I'm sharing is horrible. I'm 18 weeks pregnant and realizing that alcohol has a bigger grip on me than I ever thought. I went through my first trimester not drinking at all. I just knew it wasn't an option. After a healthy 12 week ultrasound, I went off the handle. My husband and I have been on the brink of divorce for months and my only coping strategy for several years now has been alcohol, so that's what I went to. In the past month or so I've had several binges (and not small ones). Now it's been nearly a week. And I go hard (2 days ago I was horrified to find I drank a whole bottle of vodka).

I promised this would never be me. I never even imagined I was capable of this. I feel like the biggest loser in the world. I try to reassure myself, to feel better by reading the research (meta-analysis showing "binge drinking hasn't been found to have any significant effects on the fetus" and rationalizing that even the vast majority of regular heavy drinkers still have healthy babies). What is wrong with me??? And I know everyone will say "get help". Agreed. I need it. I work in a profession where I will one hundred percent recognize people at meetings or other groups ... it will definitely hurt my profession. How else can I do this? I don't want to keep hurting my baby ... and I am going to be honest, but right now, there is no connection to this baby yet. I don't understand what it is like to have a baby, a child. This baby was wanted, I feel so guilty feeling and saying these things. I am not seeing the real consequences although I know I should. I am a loving rational person. But I don't think I have control anymore and I'm looking for some support, some advice, something to help me in the right direction. Thanks.