Thank you for those who have offered kind words of support and encouragement. It's really what I need right now to go on.
The guilt right now is just so overwhelming. I wish I could turn everything around right now. I wish to god this wasn't my reality. I feel like the worst person in the word right now. I have spoken to my professional organization who have told me there are options for people in my position who cannot reasonably access public health support systems. I am waiting to hear back about the options but they have in the meantime connected me with a private psychologist who works with addictions.
I really don't want to do this anymore. I need to face this and not keep denying it (first time I've spoken out now is to this group). I woke up with the belief, and I need to believe it, that "never again". Never again can I let this happen to my baby anymore. Never again can I touch alcohol during this pregnancy. I need to get through today, tomorrow. I made it through the first 12 weeks sober, right? I just need to "get control" somehow. I don't know what I can do now (other than of course stop) to help baby's chances. Any ideas? I am just praying like crazy that baby will be ok. I have heard stories of hope in that respect, and certainly if anyone has any hopeful stories, I would be grateful to hear them. Praying. (and maybe realizing this baby is my lifesaver to get help and face this).