lightanddark

Hello all that wish to read.

I am a young man of 21, going on 22. Over the past 3 and a half years I have been struggling with addiction, whether that be ecstasy and every other drug I could get my hands on while I was in college regardless of the consequences on my course and my mental health and those around me. But that is not why I am here.

I decided to take a year out in April after another terrible year in college marred by avoidance of my course. It all culminated in me having a blackout from alcohol in which I became verbally abusive to my girlfriend in front of my entire year and friend group on the bus to our yearly ball. I am never abusive sober, and would never say the stuff I said because it is just not me.

I moved to another city in the Summer to live with my girlfriend and I was under the impression things really were better. In many aspects they were, I was rarely if at all using drugs and didn't really drink. I was depressed to a degree after losing my job but I still thought I was doing ok. I became manic last saturday and still went out on a night on the town with my girlfriend and her friends even though I knew I shouldn't have.

I had another blackout. This time throwing a glass at my girlfriend and screaming abuse again. I cannot remember a thing I came to with blood on my hands and knew it was too late. I love her more than anything in the world and to cause this much hurt and to f*** up our relationship after another bloody blackout is just too much to bear. I know the only way to never have this happen again is to not drink again. To not pick up the first drink as they say.

Last night my girlfriend layed in to me over the phone (understandably). She said about all the hurt I've caused this continuous cycle where I would get her hopes up then go out and let alcohol ruin everything.

She slept with her best friend who is a guy that night. She was terribly under the influence of both alcohol and cocaine. But last night she blamed me for it all. Blamed me for making her vulnerable again.

I am trying my best to process all of this today. It just hurts to put the one I love in so much hurt. I still can't wrap my head around whether she is blaming me more so that she does not need to lay any blame on herself, I just feel that whatever she says about being taken advantage of, the truth is she made that choice to do that.

I am now just trying my utmost to stay committed to not drinking again or doing drugs again. I've made her promise to break up with me if I pick up a drink again. It's hard though at 21 especially here in ireland where the drinking culture is embedded in every aspect of our lives, even Christmas is a big, big drinking time.

I've found it in myself that if I don't find ways to be ok in my own head, whether or not I drink I will never be able to give my all to the one's I love and I truly will never get anywhere in life.

I just feel so overwhelmed, especially after last night's phone call where she blamed me for "basically being raped". But it was her best friend who claims "it wasnt like that" and when she came home teh following day she said she set out to hurt me. I understand that I have been teh one who has f**d things up in the past and here again. But when we're good we're so good.

In a way it's easy to say to not to drink again. What's not easy is trying to deal with the intense feelings of guilt I am feeling and the fear of being trapped in this cycle. I've come so far these past months, but it all just feels so small after that blackout again. I 'm not an alcoholic, but I guess when you can't control the drinking, you pretty much are.

Thanks for reading.

Red78

Hi Lightanddark.
One can only ever be responsible for their own choices, it is not your fault she choose to react how she did and sleep with someone else, not is it her fault you become abusive when you drink..
I've been a total ******** and nnightmare in the past when I drink, it's not nice for the people around you and nor is it nice for you to deal with the shame and the guilt afterwards..
I dare ask lightanddark, when you blackout do you know where you limit of abusive is once your reasoning mind is gone?
You never have to touch another drink again, you can do this, have faith in yourself and we can help you too...

sonkien

I more So believe in being an alcoholic as a more hibitual thing, but a few instances makes a difference. I know you made mistakes with your girl but what she did was horrible.

Quoting is the best option. I’m by no means in the worst position, but I’m an alcoholic and woke up at 2am unable to go to sleep. Been trying to drink some ginger ale but it’s been difficult to keep it down. Couldn’t go back to sleep because of the difficulty doing it sober and the nausea. I threw up to settle my stomach then jumped on here to really focus my mind. Very moderate hangovers are torture, the worst make you wish you were dead. I hope you don’t make it a habit and ever get as bad as me

DreamCatcher17

Welcome
I'm sorry you're here under these conditions.

What you explained was me damn near to a T. I was the abuser, the blackout drunk, the embarrassment for years!!!! That was never who I was sober, it's scary that there was this alter ego inside of me. I know now I never want to release that beast, and to not have that happen I come here often, I go to AA, I work my program for me.

I wish you the best,
DreamCatcher

Dee74

Hi and welcome lightanddark

My advice is try and keep things simple for now...focus on you and your recovery.

I've no doubt you have many things you regret but having your partner sleep with someone else was not your fault, and that not a healthy decision on her part.

Maybe you both need a little space and time for personal growth?

D

JustTony

You've come to your answer. It's similar to the one I came to when I was 30 years old and got in an unbelievably bad scrape with some guys at work when blind drunk.

I swore I would never drink again. I was so mortified the next day I cried like a baby.

I then spent the next 18 years drinking.

Don't waste the best years of your life like I did, as you consign the 'incident' to a dark box in your mind, rarely to be opened. Keep it front and centre in your memory.

You're a terrible drunk. Sobriety is your only answer.

Regards,

Tony

Hawkeye13

Blackout drinking is usually a sign of pretty advanced stage alcohol abuse;
if you've been using substances of some kind most of your young life,
how long have you been continuously "sober" since you were a child?

I say this not as critique or judgement, but as food for thought.
Living life on life's terms isn't always easy, but it is part of the maturing process
we have to go through to become healthy adults.

Many of us "addicts" (whatever you want to use as a label if "alcoholic" bugs you) actually get stuck
in arrested development because we've avoided pain and difficulties by using.

Maybe this is true for you, or maybe not. Only you can honestly reflect and decide.

But I can tell you from my own life path that continuing to avoid pain by using
is a much harder road than dealing with the addiction and growing up,
and accepting life, warts and all.

Your girlfriend's choice to sleep with someone else isn't your fault,
but your decision to use alcohol after the first blackout was under your control.
That's the bottom line.

It's up to you to make wise choices to become your best self as an adult.
Blame, guilt, and shame don't change anything.
Accepting responsibility and reworking unhealthy behaviors is something that will
change everything.

I wish you both peace and healing.

lightanddark

I would like to thank you all for your words. Honestly I really do find them such a deep help.

I know that the only way to break the cycle is changing my behaviour.

Blaming myself for what she did is something I came to the conclusion wasn't healthy, and I brought this up with her. I ended up going back home to her 2 days ago so that we could discuss things in person and also because I missed her like hell. I know we can be happy but the fact is that there were and are underlying issues that caused her to do what she did. Both of us have to work on it.

Aside from the relationship I know in myself that if I don't truly change that I will just repeat this cycle with anyone that comes into my life. I'm committed to staying away from alcohol after all it destroyed my father, why would I even touch the stuff knowing all the pain it caused me throughout my whole life even not drinking. Just because it is a socially accepted drug doesnt mean that it is fit for everyone, nor should it make it acceptable for everyone.

I know personal growth is the only way forward. I am going to see a counsellor after christmas as I feel taking on too much and thinking i've changed is too hard for me to do on my own. I am going to surround myself with positivity and support as I make the change to be the man I want to be.

In relation to my abusive behaviour it has always been verbal when I get drunk. All my insecurities come out and I highlight all of hers. I'm glad that I have caught myself before I transition into a violent drunk. The truth is I have been rarely sober since I was 16, and a lot of my issues that brought me to this point these last few months have been from a lack of maturity. I just wish to be able to handle responsibility and stress without looking for the nearest escape. Staying sober will be a major part of this, but not all.

Hawkeye13, I feel when you say I chose to drink again after the first blackout really resounded with me. The more I think about my history with alcohol the more I realise it was a relationship fraught with regret and nothing ever good coming from it. Blackouts have been happening longer than this relationship I realise, alcohol is really really not for me.

You guys are already a part of that and I'm going to keep using this website as that hope you guys gave has made dealing with this a lot easier. I wish you all the best of luck with your journey's and Merry Christmas to all of you.

I really feel this time I have it in myself to change. The courage to change as such.

Caralara144

Sending you a big hug I to am from Ireland and know it's drink drink drink
You can do this .. your young and have your whole life ahead of you
God bless
Caralara ❤️

Gellybelly

Poor kid.

"I love her more than anything in the world and to cause this much hurt and to f*** up our relationship after another bloody blackout is just too much to bear."

If only he felt this way about himself. If only he loved himself more than anything in the world. Then true love with be posible, not this, codependent clinging.

"It just hurts to put the one I love in so much hurt."

If only he would look in the mirror and say these words. And mean them"

She slept with her best friend who is a guy that night. She was terribly under the influence of both alcohol and cocaine.

Ugh. She is not relationship material. Fact. Any girl who has a male "bestie" is suspect. As far as girlfriend material goes, it's a red flag.

But last night she blamed me for it all. Blamed me for making her vulnerable again.

Of course, because she's not responsable for her actions now is she. Sounds like a bpd (border line personality disorder)

Kid you're well shot.

Buckley3

You want the mess to go away. But do you want to quit drinking? It'll be an important question to answer. For now it doesn't matter if you think you're alcoholic or not. My guess is you don't really know what it is unless you've read the first few chapters of AA's big book. Sure, there's the social presumption of what it is - I believed in that too a long time ago. I was wrong and it cost me. I had no idea what alcoholism was. Worse - I thought I did.

Good on you for seeing the damage it's doing. Trust yourself and take action on those feelings. People lose decades or more of their lives running around the same old hamster wheel. Be willing to cut loose any and all toxic influences in your life if they don't want to be part of the constructive you that you said you want to be.

This thing is about honesty and priorities. They aren't easy, but then, being sober freaking rocks so it's worth it. And beyond the not drinking the self-discovery is crazy powerful. You can have that if you want it. I mean, really, what's the downside to not drinking? Ask yourself that. Get deeper than the surface level b.s.. Waking up with bloody hands from a blackout is kinda serious.

Lots of support & resources to educate yourself with here.

Best-

B

Angeloflight

Welcome lightAndark glad you are here and sharing.

As a blackout drinker, I identify tremendously with your post and story. I have been in two accidents and not remembered them. slept with people not remembered, said horrible things to friends not remembered, so many things. You do feel shame and disgust with yourself. What you have to remember it’s the nature of this drug, when you are blacked out your NOT you. First separate yourself from the behavior. There is so much shame in addiction and it can be the MAIN feeling that keeps us stuck. Let that shame go. Forgive yourself. Leave it in the past, make amends and nurture yourself don’t shame yourself more. Your human and we’ve done things we would never do in our right mind. None of it defines who you are. That would be quite limiting. We are so much more insanely complex. As someone who let shame eat me alive, it only took me farther down the rabbit hole and made me suffer when I didn’t have to punish myself. I hope you can i find a way not to through self love and support. Post here, we all get it. Much love I send you ❣️❣️❣️

MindfulMan

Have you been diagnosed with bipolar disorder? Is it being treated?

If so, that needs to be treated along with any substance abuse disorder, as they tend to perpetuate one another.