Welcome lightAndark glad you are here and sharing.
As a blackout drinker, I identify tremendously with your post and story. I have been in two accidents and not remembered them. slept with people not remembered, said horrible things to friends not remembered, so many things. You do feel shame and disgust with yourself. What you have to remember it’s the nature of this drug, when you are blacked out your NOT you. First separate yourself from the behavior. There is so much shame in addiction and it can be the MAIN feeling that keeps us stuck. Let that shame go. Forgive yourself. Leave it in the past, make amends and nurture yourself don’t shame yourself more. Your human and we’ve done things we would never do in our right mind. None of it defines who you are. That would be quite limiting. We are so much more insanely complex. As someone who let shame eat me alive, it only took me farther down the rabbit hole and made me suffer when I didn’t have to punish myself. I hope you can i find a way not to through self love and support. Post here, we all get it. Much love I send you ❣️❣️❣️