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My husband left me

Old 11-14-2017, 06:48 AM
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My husband left me

My husband has been addicted to opioids for over 15 years. And cocaine for about 10 years. He was sober for years and we had a wonderful life and a beautiful daughter as a result of it. Last year he got a job where he had to travel a lot and he started using again. Things just got worse from there. Heís packed up his things and left me about 10 times and usually after 2-4 days heís contacting me promising me heíll change and he doesnít want to lose us. Well this time was different for me. I begged him not to go and to talk to me and he wanted nothing to do with it. He took my food money and said he wanted a divorce. And then two nights later he was talking to another woman. I am devastated and feeling pretty broken. Iíve not been able to eat and Iím so hurt. Weíve had this fight countless times and this time he cheated on me. He told the woman he was divorced. And then denied the entire thing to me. So thatís the final straw for me. Iím done. I went to our local resources yesterday and going to file for legal separation or divorce in the next few days. I also called NA last night and the volunteer i spoke with said my husband hasnít hit rock bottom yet and he needs to before he can think about healing. He hasnít even asked to talk to or see our daughter in 3 days.
So Iím letting him go. I need to work on my own healing now. I need to get a job and start supporting myself and my daughter. I canít keep putting myself through this with him. And it hurts so much because i love himnwith all my heart. Weíve been together for 7 years and Iím so sad to see him not well. Please pray for me.
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Old 11-14-2017, 06:56 AM
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Welcome to SR Sparks and very sorry to hear about what brings you here. Addiction is a tremendously selfish thing unfortunately. It's good to hear that you are letting go and seeking help for yourself and your daughter, you will find a lot of support here on SR. We also have forums for friends and family of substance abusers if you'd like to check them out, you will meet people who have been, or are in a similar situation to yours. And of course you are always welcome here in the newcomers forum too.
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Old 11-14-2017, 06:57 AM
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Sparks - I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through. It's hard enough emotionally to deal with an addict, but to add on everything else you are going through is tragic. I'm glad you are here and are sharing with us as encouragement is overwhelming here.

In regards to your husband, sadly he is choosing his addictions over everything else. I've done the same thing in my past. We addicts are really good at justifying our negative behaviors and at not taking responsibility. He isn't ready to change and you and your children are now collateral damage.

Through the history you have, and no doubt a lot of good times together, the future you two would hold would be riddled with mistrust and deceptive behaviors. Until your husband is ready to change, there is very little anybody can do to change that. You owe it to yourself and your children to protect yourself from destructive behaviors. Right now he isn't a good person for you to be around.

It's hard to think rationally when so many emotions are present, I know that first hand. I have ruined a lot of good/great relationships because of addiction. I see EVERYTHING different now, and I can accept what I've done in the past. Sobriety is a wonderful thing, it lifts that selfish fog we put ourselves in.

I really hope you find peace and you continue to post here with us. Some time apart, if not permanently, can do you well, and instill a new kind of confidence in you.

Always remember, you are worth being treated right, and you deserve to be safe.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:01 AM
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Welcome and I'm sorry for your situation.

I think you are making a good decision for yourself and your daughter.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:25 AM
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I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you can heal the broken heart quickly.
IMO: Seems like this would be best for your child. Not being around the chaos those drugs bring into the house.
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Old 11-14-2017, 08:21 AM
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Thank you everyone, your kind words are encouraging. I agree that my daughter deserves more and i donít want her going through this anymore. Heís put her in dangerous positions and i refuse to enable him any longer. Iím nervous for our future but i hope that he gets help one day soon.
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Old 11-14-2017, 08:24 AM
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Sending you a hug.
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Old 11-14-2017, 08:34 AM
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I am so sorry about your unexpected change in life. I am going through the same thing with a broken heart. Time heals all wounds. The important thing is no contact except for arrangements with your daughter. Contact and trying to reconcile only makes the unevitable worse. You tried. Try to move on and focus on your sobriety and love yourself.
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Old 11-14-2017, 02:40 PM
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Thank you all. Iím really struggling. He finally contacted me and wants to spend time with our daughter on Sunday. He said heís done with me and Iím just so hurt. And truth be told, i just want him to be well and to be the great father and husband i know he can be. I feel so heartbroken.
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Old 11-14-2017, 03:22 PM
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Originally Posted by Sparks720 View Post
Thank you all. Iím really struggling. He finally contacted me and wants to spend time with our daughter on Sunday. He said heís done with me and Iím just so hurt. And truth be told, i just want him to be well and to be the great father and husband i know he can be. I feel so heartbroken.
For a lot of addicts myself/me exgf included; It seems 'easier' to start fresh with someone new because they don't know how truly damaged we are...at first. Then it ALL comes back looping around. Whether it be a few months or a few years. Without working on ourselves nothing changes and the cycle repeats. Focus on your daughter and yourself. Consider this a blessing,even though I'm sure it doesn't feel that way now.
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Old 11-14-2017, 07:58 PM
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Hello!

Be careful with that comment; "the dad he can be".

Watch what he IS and has been. Do not believe words, only actions.

I'm so sorry that you are going through this but you will come out ok and perhaps better off than staying with this man that waits 3 days and then wants to see your daughter. This person who ha spit you through all this: he is done with you? How about you are done with him. Put your daughter and yourself first. Life doesn't have to be like this...
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Old 11-14-2017, 09:43 PM
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I’m so sorry. I know how much it hurts to have to let someone you love go, especially when you have children together. The pain is real and raw and understandable.

But you have made the right decision to move on.
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Old 11-14-2017, 10:06 PM
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The thing is, love isn't gazing into each others eyes, as you seem to understand.
It is about you both having your sights on the same thing. And at the moment, really that isn't the case.

He’s done with you most likely precisely because you want him to be well and to be the great father and husband that he can be.

Addicts without recovery are an awfully immature and selfish lot I'm afraid.

Good luck as you branch out as an independent root. At least you have one less child to take responsibility for now.

BB
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Old 11-14-2017, 11:24 PM
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Take care of yourself and your daughter first- if you can do anything for him that has to be a distance second place priority. Look for any resources that are available to you locally, too. There are usually many programs that can help emotionally and economically.

I would suggest you look into Al-Anon, Sparks. You've gone through a lot already and it has to be tough for you. At Al-Anon you'll meet people who've walked the road you're on and can help. Of course, SR is a great resource as well.

Don't feel guilty about this! You husband is an adult and responsible for his own actions. He will have to live with the consequences of his actions, you need to do what's best for you and your family.
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Old 11-15-2017, 04:00 AM
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Giant hugs to you.
Although it won't seem like it now, this is probably for the best. You deserve to be happy and with someone healthy! That won't happen immediately but every second away from him is a second closer to everything you deserve.
Take care of you and yours. Start with eating a little something. Lean on all of your support in life and certainly here.
Make a plan, write things down, pack up his crap. Cry. Take a walk. Just take care of you. The progress will help ease the pain.
Take gentle care of yourself!
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Old 11-15-2017, 05:42 AM
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Thank you so much. Iím hoping it gets a little easier everyday. Iím going to divorce him. I found out heís telling people a bunch of outlandish lies about why weíre separating. So clearly heís not in his right mind. He wants to take our daughter on Sunday for a couple hours, to his parents house. I donít really have a choice until i file papers so Iím just hoping that he wonít do anything stupid that day.
I saw on his message logs that he sent the other woman a couple of pictures that night, and heís still completely denying it. Iím trying my hardest to do whatís right and Iíve realized there is nothing left between us and i donít ever want him back.
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Old 11-15-2017, 10:56 AM
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No...you really don't want him back.
You have YOU.
And a glorious child.
All that can be all hers now. What a lucky gal!
I went through this exactly. I was never a drinker, he was. He went to rehab, came home and promptly divorced me. I started to drink. Bad idea. I finally quit just about 5 months ago and I honestly feel amazing.
I really loved that moron, but I was no longer in love. Now I realize that I dodged a bullet! I'm better off! Takes time, but just go through it and it will get better each day. It is ill advised to drown your sorrows, FYI. Just saying....it took me 5 years to get healthy again. Not worth the loss bug so grateful!!
You'll get there and you will see this is for the best. Forget about him and focus on you and your baby!
Big hug,
Jules
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Old 11-15-2017, 11:37 AM
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Originally Posted by Sparks720 View Post
Thank you so much. Iím hoping it gets a little easier everyday. Iím going to divorce him. I found out heís telling people a bunch of outlandish lies about why weíre separating. So clearly heís not in his right mind. He wants to take our daughter on Sunday for a couple hours, to his parents house. I donít really have a choice until i file papers so Iím just hoping that he wonít do anything stupid that day.
I saw on his message logs that he sent the other woman a couple of pictures that night, and heís still completely denying it. Iím trying my hardest to do whatís right and Iíve realized there is nothing left between us and i donít ever want him back.
I am not sure why you don't have a choice in NOT letting him take your daughter?! Can you tell me why that is... Even if you have not filed for divorce I would imagine he still could not take her, his mental and using state and all would be enough for me to say NO! I personally, would go as far as if he wanted to call the cops, let him... Have the cops search him while they are there. That is what I would do at least. I would never put a child in harm's way, an active addict brain is a scary brain. I say all this because you sound very comfortable with her being with him.
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Old 11-15-2017, 11:36 PM
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It would be wise to put some legal feelers out, Sparks. I realize he has parental rights but given his addiction issues you may be able to get some kind of restraining order. Worth a try.
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Old 11-16-2017, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by DreamCatcher17 View Post
I am not sure why you don't have a choice in NOT letting him take your daughter?! Can you tell me why that is... Even if you have not filed for divorce I would imagine he still could not take her, his mental and using state and all would be enough for me to say NO! I personally, would go as far as if he wanted to call the cops, let him... Have the cops search him while they are there. That is what I would do at least. I would never put a child in harm's way, an active addict brain is a scary brain. I say all this because you sound very comfortable with her being with him.
I meant to say uncomfortable
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