Relapsed and spiralling.
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso 
You said your best friend knows though, right? You have that one person. Assuming this friend is not a fellow addict, I would suggest talking to them very seriously about this and making the statement out loud about how much you want to quit. It would be great to have someone there with you, in the flesh, to help you through this. That is what friends are for.
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Ok friend, I am thinking of going to bed right now. But before making that decision I just checked for you and there are currently 52 members active and 625 guests. There are also currently 113 people in the chat. So there is support here to take you through this. But if you need me I am here. i will stay up with you all night if you need me. Even if you keep using, I will stay here with you, ok? You just tell me. I'll wait for your response before logging out.
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Originally Posted by Akasha;6645072.
I remain alone!
cant let anyone in your life know whats going on.
what does that have to do with going to NA?
ya typed,"The only thing that worked for me the last time (just over 6 years ago) was tough love."
" addiction cannot be dealt with alone. "
"Sometimes we need to hear the 'get real' stuur in order to make a change."
reads like its time to get real and stop making excuses.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 198
Originally Posted by Akasha
If I'm very honest. The only thing that worked for me the last time (just over 6 years ago) was tough love. My parents sent me away for a year to a hard-core rehab, not like these 3 or 6 weeks places. It was hard-core. I was isolated and very closely watched. I didn't want to stop for me. I wanted to stop hurting my parents. It broke their hearts watching me kill myself. I het that feeling of wanting to stop but also not wanting to stop your son is in a very tough spot which also puts you in a very tough spot. I have now fallen for the same stupid mistakes after years of sobriety and healthy living. Whatever the case with your son or with me, addiction cannot be dealt with alone. We are not brave enough to face the beast head on. Support him like these people are supporting me but do not baby him. Sometimes we need to hear the 'get real' stuur in order to make a change.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
You know what Akasha, you are not going to like this answer... you just kind of have to get through it. It sucks, it absolutely sucks, but it is possible. But again this is why I am recommending you get some face to face help. I hear you when you say that making sure your family knows is absolutely crucial. But they want you alive and well more than anything, so you have to be willing to reach out if it gets to that point. I went to rehab too and would do anything in the world to avoid going back, but if it had to be done I would do it. Before going to rehab though I did go to a drop in center for addiction. This is when I was still trying to keep everything super quiet and private. I had to navigate around parking and getting int he door without anyone seeing me but it was in an area of town where that wasn't an issue, I just made sure to not park directly in front of the door, things like that. So again, google if there is anything like that in your area. There they will have doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists to help you. Depending on where you are it is often free. I'd start there if I were you.
When you are at home you have to find ways to deal with the rage and the outbursts and the emotional roller-coaster. This requires breaking this behaviour down and thinking about it very methodically. It is one thing to think about withdrawals and recovery in this huge, overwhelming sense. It is another to break it down and really think about tasks you can do to deal with it. Bit by bit you chip away at it.
Take for example cravings or sudden bursts of anxiety, fear or other intense emotions. There are things you can do to deal with those feelings. Hang with me here, this all sounds a bit, well, dumb, but the thing about it is you don't even have to believe in it for it to work. It is just plain science, medical stuff, it just works because that is how your brain works.
A couple of things help with intense burns of emotion and cravings are a part of that.
Temperature. A sudden, drastic change in temperature can help level you out. If you have one of those sleeping mask things, wet it and then put it in the freezer. Pull it out in a moment of stress and put it over your eyes. OR take an ice cold shower for as long as you can stand it. OR repeatedly and in a constant pattern splash cold water over your face.
Increased blood flow. Do something high impact and strenuous for several minutes. Run in place as fast as you can. Lift very heavy weights (safely, remember correct posture!) Go for a run outside or a fast walk. if you walk make sure to really push yourself, the goal here is a quick increase in blood flow.
Breathing. Breathe in for 3 seconds and then out for 6 seconds, completely emptying your lungs.
This is just an immediate, band-aid solution. It does not deal with deeper issues. So, that said, those issues need to be addressed. If you don't have an addiction center near you there are surely psychologists near you. Do you have the means to see a therapist. That is 100% confidential. Absolutely no way your family will find out if you do not want them to. I have been known to go into therapy almost threatening like stating clearly in the first appointment how much my privacy means to me and insisting that they assure me that what I say there stays there. That is a given, it is how therapy works, but I want to hear them say it out loud.
Lastly, I want to point out some things that you said. In one post you said that your parents sent you to rehab for a year, that you didn't decide to go on your own and that you didn't really want to be there. Now, in this recent post you said that you had violent outbursts when you had to deal with the entrapment and the powerlessness of having to stay sober. Read that back for me before going on. Read it again. Do you see where I am going? To me it sounds kind of legitimate that you would have violent outbursts, feelings of entrapment and powerlessness- YOU were not the one who decided to go to rehab, YOU did not make the choice to quit. Thankfully after time something clicked because you did quit and stayed quit for quite some time. But that first, major pass was totally out of control. Do you think some of those feelings of rage, entrapment and powerless could be due to the fact that you were actually, in every sense of the word, trapped and powerless? this time is different. YOU came here to seek help. YOU want to quit. YOU are making the choice to get better. I dare say that those feelings will be much less this time as you are not actually trapped not powerless. All the power is within you, the one person choosing to quit.
When you are at home you have to find ways to deal with the rage and the outbursts and the emotional roller-coaster. This requires breaking this behaviour down and thinking about it very methodically. It is one thing to think about withdrawals and recovery in this huge, overwhelming sense. It is another to break it down and really think about tasks you can do to deal with it. Bit by bit you chip away at it.
Take for example cravings or sudden bursts of anxiety, fear or other intense emotions. There are things you can do to deal with those feelings. Hang with me here, this all sounds a bit, well, dumb, but the thing about it is you don't even have to believe in it for it to work. It is just plain science, medical stuff, it just works because that is how your brain works.
A couple of things help with intense burns of emotion and cravings are a part of that.
Temperature. A sudden, drastic change in temperature can help level you out. If you have one of those sleeping mask things, wet it and then put it in the freezer. Pull it out in a moment of stress and put it over your eyes. OR take an ice cold shower for as long as you can stand it. OR repeatedly and in a constant pattern splash cold water over your face.
Increased blood flow. Do something high impact and strenuous for several minutes. Run in place as fast as you can. Lift very heavy weights (safely, remember correct posture!) Go for a run outside or a fast walk. if you walk make sure to really push yourself, the goal here is a quick increase in blood flow.
Breathing. Breathe in for 3 seconds and then out for 6 seconds, completely emptying your lungs.
This is just an immediate, band-aid solution. It does not deal with deeper issues. So, that said, those issues need to be addressed. If you don't have an addiction center near you there are surely psychologists near you. Do you have the means to see a therapist. That is 100% confidential. Absolutely no way your family will find out if you do not want them to. I have been known to go into therapy almost threatening like stating clearly in the first appointment how much my privacy means to me and insisting that they assure me that what I say there stays there. That is a given, it is how therapy works, but I want to hear them say it out loud.
Lastly, I want to point out some things that you said. In one post you said that your parents sent you to rehab for a year, that you didn't decide to go on your own and that you didn't really want to be there. Now, in this recent post you said that you had violent outbursts when you had to deal with the entrapment and the powerlessness of having to stay sober. Read that back for me before going on. Read it again. Do you see where I am going? To me it sounds kind of legitimate that you would have violent outbursts, feelings of entrapment and powerlessness- YOU were not the one who decided to go to rehab, YOU did not make the choice to quit. Thankfully after time something clicked because you did quit and stayed quit for quite some time. But that first, major pass was totally out of control. Do you think some of those feelings of rage, entrapment and powerless could be due to the fact that you were actually, in every sense of the word, trapped and powerless? this time is different. YOU came here to seek help. YOU want to quit. YOU are making the choice to get better. I dare say that those feelings will be much less this time as you are not actually trapped not powerless. All the power is within you, the one person choosing to quit.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by tomsteve
by choice. you dont have to be.gonna google for addiction centers, now cant do it.
cant let anyone in your life know whats going on.
what does that have to do with going to NA?
ya typed,"The only thing that worked for me the last time (just over 6 years ago) was tough love."
" addiction cannot be dealt with alone. "
"Sometimes we need to hear the 'get real' stuur in order to make a change."
reads like its time to get real and stop making excuses.
cant let anyone in your life know whats going on.
what does that have to do with going to NA?
ya typed,"The only thing that worked for me the last time (just over 6 years ago) was tough love."
" addiction cannot be dealt with alone. "
"Sometimes we need to hear the 'get real' stuur in order to make a change."
reads like its time to get real and stop making excuses.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Akasha
I have no idea why you care as much as you do. It's okay. I'll be okay. I will figure it out. I will go game like a crazy person to get my mind off things once the sober feeling sets in. You have been freaking amazing. You have been a my rock today. I feel very grateful. Sleep well and take care. Hope to talk soon.
There are loads of people here just like me, everyone wants to help. Check out the chat too if you start to get into a bad head space.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Akasha
You have taken what I said out of context. I do not feel like that was a fair move. What you are saying might come from a good place and in your mind if I want to get clean I should just make the choice to take certain steps. However, you are not familiar with my situation. It's really not that easy for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
You know what Akasha, you are not going to like this answer... you just kind of have to get through it. It sucks, it absolutely sucks, but it is possible. But again this is why I am recommending you get some face to face help. I hear you when you say that making sure your family knows is absolutely crucial. But they want you alive and well more than anything, so you have to be willing to reach out if it gets to that point. I went to rehab too and would do anything in the world to avoid going back, but if it had to be done I would do it. Before going to rehab though I did go to a drop in center for addiction. This is when I was still trying to keep everything super quiet and private. I had to navigate around parking and getting int he door without anyone seeing me but it was in an area of town where that wasn't an issue, I just made sure to not park directly in front of the door, things like that. So again, google if there is anything like that in your area. There they will have doctors, psychiatrists and psychologists to help you. Depending on where you are it is often free. I'd start there if I were you.
When you are at home you have to find ways to deal with the rage and the outbursts and the emotional roller-coaster. This requires breaking this behaviour down and thinking about it very methodically. It is one thing to think about withdrawals and recovery in this huge, overwhelming sense. It is another to break it down and really think about tasks you can do to deal with it. Bit by bit you chip away at it.
Take for example cravings or sudden bursts of anxiety, fear or other intense emotions. There are things you can do to deal with those feelings. Hang with me here, this all sounds a bit, well, dumb, but the thing about it is you don't even have to believe in it for it to work. It is just plain science, medical stuff, it just works because that is how your brain works.
A couple of things help with intense burns of emotion and cravings are a part of that.
Temperature. A sudden, drastic change in temperature can help level you out. If you have one of those sleeping mask things, wet it and then put it in the freezer. Pull it out in a moment of stress and put it over your eyes. OR take an ice cold shower for as long as you can stand it. OR repeatedly and in a constant pattern splash cold water over your face.
Increased blood flow. Do something high impact and strenuous for several minutes. Run in place as fast as you can. Lift very heavy weights (safely, remember correct posture!) Go for a run outside or a fast walk. if you walk make sure to really push yourself, the goal here is a quick increase in blood flow.
Breathing. Breathe in for 3 seconds and then out for 6 seconds, completely emptying your lungs.
This is just an immediate, band-aid solution. It does not deal with deeper issues. So, that said, those issues need to be addressed. If you don't have an addiction center near you there are surely psychologists near you. Do you have the means to see a therapist. That is 100% confidential. Absolutely no way your family will find out if you do not want them to. I have been known to go into therapy almost threatening like stating clearly in the first appointment how much my privacy means to me and insisting that they assure me that what I say there stays there. That is a given, it is how therapy works, but I want to hear them say it out loud.
Lastly, I want to point out some things that you said. In one post you said that your parents sent you to rehab for a year, that you didn't decide to go on your own and that you didn't really want to be there. Now, in this recent post you said that you had violent outbursts when you had to deal with the entrapment and the powerlessness of having to stay sober. Read that back for me before going on. Read it again. Do you see where I am going? To me it sounds kind of legitimate that you would have violent outbursts, feelings of entrapment and powerlessness- YOU were not the one who decided to go to rehab, YOU did not make the choice to quit. Thankfully after time something clicked because you did quit and stayed quit for quite some time. But that first, major pass was totally out of control. Do you think some of those feelings of rage, entrapment and powerless could be due to the fact that you were actually, in every sense of the word, trapped and powerless? this time is different. YOU came here to seek help. YOU want to quit. YOU are making the choice to get better. I dare say that those feelings will be much less this time as you are not actually trapped not powerless. All the power is within you, the one person choosing to quit.
When you are at home you have to find ways to deal with the rage and the outbursts and the emotional roller-coaster. This requires breaking this behaviour down and thinking about it very methodically. It is one thing to think about withdrawals and recovery in this huge, overwhelming sense. It is another to break it down and really think about tasks you can do to deal with it. Bit by bit you chip away at it.
Take for example cravings or sudden bursts of anxiety, fear or other intense emotions. There are things you can do to deal with those feelings. Hang with me here, this all sounds a bit, well, dumb, but the thing about it is you don't even have to believe in it for it to work. It is just plain science, medical stuff, it just works because that is how your brain works.
A couple of things help with intense burns of emotion and cravings are a part of that.
Temperature. A sudden, drastic change in temperature can help level you out. If you have one of those sleeping mask things, wet it and then put it in the freezer. Pull it out in a moment of stress and put it over your eyes. OR take an ice cold shower for as long as you can stand it. OR repeatedly and in a constant pattern splash cold water over your face.
Increased blood flow. Do something high impact and strenuous for several minutes. Run in place as fast as you can. Lift very heavy weights (safely, remember correct posture!) Go for a run outside or a fast walk. if you walk make sure to really push yourself, the goal here is a quick increase in blood flow.
Breathing. Breathe in for 3 seconds and then out for 6 seconds, completely emptying your lungs.
This is just an immediate, band-aid solution. It does not deal with deeper issues. So, that said, those issues need to be addressed. If you don't have an addiction center near you there are surely psychologists near you. Do you have the means to see a therapist. That is 100% confidential. Absolutely no way your family will find out if you do not want them to. I have been known to go into therapy almost threatening like stating clearly in the first appointment how much my privacy means to me and insisting that they assure me that what I say there stays there. That is a given, it is how therapy works, but I want to hear them say it out loud.
Lastly, I want to point out some things that you said. In one post you said that your parents sent you to rehab for a year, that you didn't decide to go on your own and that you didn't really want to be there. Now, in this recent post you said that you had violent outbursts when you had to deal with the entrapment and the powerlessness of having to stay sober. Read that back for me before going on. Read it again. Do you see where I am going? To me it sounds kind of legitimate that you would have violent outbursts, feelings of entrapment and powerlessness- YOU were not the one who decided to go to rehab, YOU did not make the choice to quit. Thankfully after time something clicked because you did quit and stayed quit for quite some time. But that first, major pass was totally out of control. Do you think some of those feelings of rage, entrapment and powerless could be due to the fact that you were actually, in every sense of the word, trapped and powerless? this time is different. YOU came here to seek help. YOU want to quit. YOU are making the choice to get better. I dare say that those feelings will be much less this time as you are not actually trapped not powerless. All the power is within you, the one person choosing to quit.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: California
Posts: 142
It's was hard to stop and go through withdrawls. I was always afraid to stop drinking in fear of them. The worst thing I have ever felt. It sucks. But the pain of that week is nothing compared to the pain and hell of addiction. A few days of discomfort or a lifetime of hell. Quitting was the best decision of my life. You can do this!
Edit: I somehow missed some pages of this thread so my response might be a little late. Sorry! Still good luck to you😁 i am rooting for you.
Edit: I somehow missed some pages of this thread so my response might be a little late. Sorry! Still good luck to you😁 i am rooting for you.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Night Akasha, I'm in bed now. I'll be back tomorrow morning though and I hope to read that you passed through those hours ok. You did a great thing deleting the numbers you did. I hope you will be able to let go of that final one. Even if you don't though, come here before you make a call. Come here and say you need help and there will be someone here to talk through it with you. I believe you want this and I know you can do it. Sleep when you can and don't forget to eat something and drink water. Sending you a big hug and I will say a prayer for you before falling asleep. I'm not especially religious but I sure as hell know that I'm not in control, so there has got to be something, someone out there looking after me- that's who I pray to even if I don't know who he or she is.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Kateangel
It's was hard to stop and go through withdrawls. I was always afraid to stop drinking in fear of them. The worst thing I have ever felt. It sucks. But the pain of that week is nothing compared to the pain and hell of addiction. A few days of discomfort or a lifetime of hell. Quitting was the best decision of my life. You can do this!
Edit: I somehow missed some pages of this thread so my response might be a little late. Sorry! Still good luck to you😁 i am rooting for you.
Edit: I somehow missed some pages of this thread so my response might be a little late. Sorry! Still good luck to you😁 i am rooting for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Night Akasha, I'm in bed now. I'll be back tomorrow morning though and I hope to read that you passed through those hours ok. You did a great thing deleting the numbers you did. I hope you will be able to let go of that final one. Even if you don't though, come here before you make a call. Come here and say you need help and there will be someone here to talk through it with you. I believe you want this and I know you can do it. Sleep when you can and don't forget to eat something and drink water. Sending you a big hug and I will say a prayer for you before falling asleep. I'm not especially religious but I sure as hell know that I'm not in control, so there has got to be something, someone out there looking after me- that's who I pray to even if I don't know who he or she is.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Originally Posted by Akasha
I have been to one N.A. meeting but walked out and did hits harder than a baseball bat could. This is so freaking hard-core for me. Rehab is out of the question. Cannot let anyone in my life find out that I habe fallen again after all this time. My sobriety is mine alone. This site has helped me more than I though it would and I do feel less alone now. But in a non virtual sense... I remain alone!
BTW, and in my opinion, your sobriety is probably not only yours to deal with. Unless you live alone in a cabin at the top of a mountain or something like that, your addiction is affecting others, and I'll bet some of those people would love to help you, cause it helps them too.
Iv'e seen many people here on SR that say no I can't do that, or no, that wouldn't work and they disappear from SR. Hopefully, they found something that works for them but it definitely makes things harder when someone restricts their choices and keeps them stuck in a little box with few ways out. There's always reasons to stay in that box man. SR is a good starting point. Have a great evening!! John
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Originally Posted by 2muchpain
No offense man, but it sounds like you are choosing to be alone in your struggle. I don't know much about your situation, and maybe you have no choice but to deal with this by yourself, but in most cases, that's just not the case. You say rehab is out of the question, and for whatever reason, you've chosen to not involve others in your struggle to get sober.
BTW, and in my opinion, your sobriety is probably not only yours to deal with. Unless you live alone in a cabin at the top of a mountain or something like that, your addiction is affecting others, and I'll bet some of those people would love to help you, cause it helps them too.
Iv'e seen many people here on SR that say no I can't do that, or no, that wouldn't work and they disappear from SR. Hopefully, they found something that works for them but it definitely makes things harder when someone restricts their choices and keeps them stuck in a little box with few ways out. There's always reasons to stay in that box man. SR is a good starting point. Have a great evening!! John
BTW, and in my opinion, your sobriety is probably not only yours to deal with. Unless you live alone in a cabin at the top of a mountain or something like that, your addiction is affecting others, and I'll bet some of those people would love to help you, cause it helps them too.
Iv'e seen many people here on SR that say no I can't do that, or no, that wouldn't work and they disappear from SR. Hopefully, they found something that works for them but it definitely makes things harder when someone restricts their choices and keeps them stuck in a little box with few ways out. There's always reasons to stay in that box man. SR is a good starting point. Have a great evening!! John
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by Akasha
Thank you for everything. Due to some of the things you said and die to how the things you said made me feel I didn't go buy more. Thank you for that. Will try my best not to disappoint you or myself. I really hope you sleep well. Bless you!
) but do this for you. Ok, off to bed for real this time. I'll be looking for you tomorrow. Stay strong.
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