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Relapsed and spiralling.

Old 10-21-2017, 12:19 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Ok, not getting any more is a start. What about deleting those numbers, do you feel you can do that today/tonight? Not sure where you are in the world...

The thing is quitting is going to SUCK whenever you do it. Now or later it is going to be painful and scary and well, suck. But if you quit now you can stop the train of destruction before you start to mess up all that you have built around you during this sober time. Keep going and it only gets worse. I'm not saying that to be a smart ass, because you already know that, I am just trying to hold up a mirror for you. Don't wait for that "rocket launch straight out of hell", because it's coming, quit now before you have to go down that path.

Job situation looking good, thanks for the good wishes. I am desperate to find a job. Had the interview last week but she wanted to ask me one other question. She said she was in discussion with the boss (who has the final word) but it is down to me and one other girl. Fingers crossed!

Read that article I posted above, the author talks a lot about how embarrassment and shame keep addicts like us from seeking help when we relapse- often to fatal consequences.
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Old 10-21-2017, 12:22 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Akasha View Post
In no shape or form do I underestimate your addiction. In a way I think you are dealing with so much more... alcohol is something that is freely and legally available any and everywhere you go which in my mind makes it so much harder to stop. All I have to do is delete a few numbers off of my phone and this madness stops. Sounds easy enough right? Why can't I do it then???
I think letting go of a lifestyle, something you are used to is very hard, even when continuing that lifestyle will eventually lead to bad outcomes. At least you know what to expect. It's comfortable, even if it's deadly. It's almost like uprooting yourself and moving to a different country with different cultures, expectations, etc. IMHO, fear keeps us stuck in dangerous routines. Gotta move past the fear and take a leap of faith and believe the change will be a good one. It' REALLY HARD, but many have done it. Your about to break old unhealthy ties and create new ones. Hope you stick with SR. We are all here for you. John
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Old 10-21-2017, 12:28 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Well thank you for your words, but this ain't a competition, you know? We ALL have it hard, there are different struggles built into each particular addiction but in the end we are all struggling to beat this and do the best we can.
And no, it doesn't sound easy to just delete those numbers because I know what is behind such an act, it would be insanely difficult. But, entirely possible. I recently deleted the number of my ex-psychiatrst from my phone. He fired me back at the beginning of this year. I was absolutely crushed and have since become psychotically obsessed about the whole thing. I am a 38 year old woman and am acting like a little brat over this. But deleting his number was a big step in trying to get past this and it was incredibly freeing. I only begun making progress with the situation after I did that. He wasn't providing me drugs or alcohol, but I was acting in a needy, addictive way and cutting that link was an important step. It's not the same, I am not saying that, but I can take it further and imagine what a massive step cancelling those numbers would be for you. You can do that you know. You can. You really can. Could you do that right now? Are you willing to?
If i say no then the question would be what the hell am i doing on this site. If i say yes then id be lying. People make the mistake of thinking that this stuff has a hold on you because those people fail to consider that you are also holding onto it. It is a very deep, hard-core struggle within to 'let go of it' and also to 'let it go' like you did eith your situation.

By no means is my intention to compete. I was trying to imagine what you must feel like on a daily basis. How hard it must have been and still has to be for you. Trying to convince myself that my situation is not that bad in hopes to make it easier for me to let go.
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Old 10-21-2017, 12:38 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by 2muchpain View Post
I think letting go of a lifestyle, something you are used to is very hard, even when continuing that lifestyle will eventually lead to bad outcomes. At least you know what to expect. It's comfortable, even if it's deadly. It's almost like uprooting yourself and moving to a different country with different cultures, expectations, etc. IMHO, fear keeps us stuck in dangerous routines. Gotta move past the fear and take a leap of faith and believe the change will be a good one. It' REALLY HARD, but many have done it. Your about to break old unhealthy ties and create new ones. Hope you stick with SR. We are all here for you. John
Omgosh yes dude. So freaking hard. I am high as a kite and very emotional because I feel like I am break I g up with this feeling. How can something that is so destructive break my heart? Fears of withdrawal, aches and pains aside. I am starting to feel like my problem is a lot more serious than I initially thought.
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Old 10-21-2017, 12:48 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
Ok, not getting any more is a start. What about deleting those numbers, do you feel you can do that today/tonight? Not sure where you are in the world...

The thing is quitting is going to SUCK whenever you do it. Now or later it is going to be painful and scary and well, suck. But if you quit now you can stop the train of destruction before you start to mess up all that you have built around you during this sober time. Keep going and it only gets worse. I'm not saying that to be a smart ass, because you already know that, I am just trying to hold up a mirror for you. Don't wait for that "rocket launch straight out of hell", because it's coming, quit now before you have to go down that path.

Read that article I posted above, the author talks a lot about how embarrassment and shame keep addicts like us from seeking help when we relapse- often to fatal consequences.
I can't. I just can't. What is wrong with me. Not trying to test your patience or make you feel like I'm wasting your time and I'm sorry if am. I cannot delete them. I'm so sorry.

The things your are saying to me makes sense and I know I need to hear them and do the right things. It feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean, bleeding and in pain. A big ass shark is coming and there's nothing I can do about it. I should swim away while I still can. There's just this thing inside me that stops me. This heavy weight that tells me I cannot make a different choice. Am I giving up. No. But this is where i am right now.
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Old 10-21-2017, 12:49 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I have no direct experience with meth, but my son has been in the recovery/relapse cycle (he's currently using but he has had an intake interview for a program and has been going to a few meetings). Anyway, while I am on the outside looking in, I see how conflicted he is - part of him wants to quit, part of him is afraid of the depression and exhaustion that follows. I witness his struggles and realize that it's not easy.

I hope this won't seem presumptuous on my part since I haven't walked in your shoes, but wondered if you are familiar with this website?

https://www.quittingcrystalmeth.com/the-5-stages-of-meth-recovery/

The guy's blog is also very good- he is very upfront about relapses and the challenges he's faced.
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Old 10-21-2017, 12:53 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
Job situation looking good, thanks for the good wishes. I am desperate to find a job. Had the interview last week but she wanted to ask me one other question. She said she was in discussion with the boss (who has the final word) but it is down to me and one other girl. Fingers crossed!.
I hope you are the one they pick. Am definitely crossing my fingers for you! Being invited for a second interview is always a good sign. Really do hope everything works out!
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:00 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Akasha View Post
I can't. I just can't. What is wrong with me. Not trying to test your patience or make you feel like I'm wasting your time and I'm sorry if am. I cannot delete them. I'm so sorry.

The things your are saying to me makes sense and I know I need to hear them and do the right things. It feels like I'm in the middle of the ocean, bleeding and in pain. A big ass shark is coming and there's nothing I can do about it. I should swim away while I still can. There's just this thing inside me that stops me. This heavy weight that tells me I cannot make a different choice. Am I giving up. No. But this is where i am right now.
You are welcome on this site no matter what you do. It's ok to be honest and say that no you cannot delete the numbers. Trust me, you are not the first and are not the last. Many of us have been there before. I posted many times in the middle of a drunken bender and people would tell me to pour out what I had and there were times I just couldn't do that, so I get it and I know others here do too. Here you can be completely honest and feel safe about that.
But, we also want to see change for you, so we will still keep trying to help you get there. You know that the only way to get out is to cut all those ties and when you are ready you will do it. I know you can and I know you will. I just really hope that happens for you sooner rather than later. I'm not telling you anything you don't know, but I can see where this is going (having been there myself with my own drug of choice) and it ain't pretty.
And no, I didn't think you were making this a competition, those were my words, I only wanted to say that I get how hard this must be for you even if meth is not something you find everywhere like you do alcohol.
One good thing about it not being everywhere is that yes, as you said, you can cut that out by deleting those numbers and staying away from other users.

So let's try to come up with a plan. You say you can't delete the numbers right now. You also say that you can't promise not to use what you have. But you will try to not get anymore. So we've got those things to work with. Hmmm... let me think because that is a tough one to work with. Let's start with what you DO have going in your favour. First, you are here and that indicates that you do want to do something about this. That is major. You admit you have a problem. Also major. You also have quit before for SIX YEARS- MEGA MAJOR.

So you want to quit, you know you need to quit and you know you can quit (after all you have done it before and stayed quit for six years).

I don't know how much you have but let's just assume you are going to keep using today, through the night until you are out. How long are we looking at here?

I assume when you are all out you are going to be very tired and feel very weak. We can start with a plan to deal with that. What kind of food do you have in the house? I imagine you are up and active now if you are high. Can you prepare some meals now to put in the fridge and pull out when you stop? Change the sheets on your bed so you have a fresh and comforting place to crash?

Start with making what will be the start of your sobriety into a good, comforting place even if it is going to be hellish for a while. Food, bed. Just two things. You can do that right? Two things?

Next, you said you are studying for exams. You have got to keep school up, you need something positive and productive in your life. So what are you doing about school? What is going on with your studies in all this? I know this is a hard thing to think about right in this moment, but try talking it out here. Tell us what is going on with school and what is coming up that you need to address- classes, exams, homework.. whatever it is.

Next, you say you are going to try not to call for more. But you still have those numbers. this is a sticky one because, well, you still have those numbers. But I hear you that you are not ready to delete them yet. Can you take a baby step in that direction? Could you write them down on a piece of paper and oh, I don't know, bury that paper in the garden? or put it at the bottom of your dirty clothes? Or even just stick it right on the refrigerator door. But at least at this point in order to call you have to get up, go get the number and then type in those numbers. Something that gives you even more time (even if just a few seconds) to stop and think instead of just going on autopilot and clicking a button on your phone. If you decide to make that call you will have to come face to face with the fact that you did this silly little trick due to the fact that you WNAT TO QUIT and you will have to be reminded of that as you go get the number and type it in.
Of course, just deleting is best, but something is better than nothing.

Now, let's say you don't call, which I think is very likely a possible outcome. I really believe that you can do this. So you don't call and you are going to go into withdrawals. What is your plan for this? You say your best friend knows, that is good. You can trust she or he to be there for you if things go south. You must call for help if this gets out of control. You can call your friend.
If you can get through this at home- and I do hope so- you have already got those meals lined up and the clean bed. You have SR here for support, you can check in here 24 hours a day.

Next, and this might be getting a bit ahead of things but it is important to think about, you need to start putting a plan into place to support you in your new sobriety. Are there NA meetings near you? Can you see a therapist? Are there medications that help with meth cravings? Please excuse my ignorance on that... I know there are medications that specifically deal with alcohol cravings, also for heroin, is there something like that out there for meth? If you don't know can you speak to your doctor about that? I am going to guess you will say no, that you do not want to talk to a doctor for fear of your family knowing. That is fine. There are also addiction centres that deal with this stuff where you are not seeing your regular doctor, they only deal with addiction. Get googling that.
Support is essential in recovery. Face to face is really helpful. But if you can't, for whatever reason, find help face to face you have support here, don't forget that.

So re-cap.

Delete the numbers needs to be a priority. When you can. Sooner rather than later but we are here for you no matter what.

Food. Healthy meals. Get them ready.
Change your sheets.
Make sure your best friend is on call.
If you can't completely get rid of the numbers, delete them off your phone and then save the numbers elsewhere thus building in an extra check point in making that unwanted call.
Google addiction centres in your area.
Google NA meetings in your area.
Check in here as often as needed but at least a couple of times a day.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:01 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mayabee View Post
I have no direct experience with meth, but my son has been in the recovery/relapse cycle (he's currently using but he has had an intake interview for a program and has been going to a few meetings). Anyway, while I am on the outside looking in, I see how conflicted he is - part of him wants to quit, part of him is afraid of the depression and exhaustion that follows. I witness his struggles and realize that it's not easy.

I hope this won't seem presumptuous on my part since I haven't walked in your shoes, but wondered if you are familiar with this website?

The guy's blog is also very good- he is very upfront about relapses and the challenges he's faced.
Hi there. First of all, thank you for not being super judgemental about my situation.. Secondly, I am not familiar with the website and will surely check it out. I am somewhat desperate at this point. Thank you for recommending it. Lastly, I realise it must be hard for someone such as yourself to witness a loved one struggle to such an intense degree, looking from the outside in. I'm very sorry to hear about your son. My heart breaks for both of you
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:08 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Ok friend, I am thinking of going to bed right now. But before making that decision I just checked for you and there are currently 52 members active and 625 guests. There are also currently 113 people in the chat. So there is support here to take you through this. But if you need me I am here. i will stay up with you all night if you need me. Even if you keep using, I will stay here with you, ok? You just tell me. I'll wait for your response before logging out.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:15 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Akasha View Post
Hi there. First of all, thank you for not being super judgemental about my situation.. Secondly, I am not familiar with the website and will surely check it out. I am somewhat desperate at this point. Thank you for recommending it. Lastly, I realise it must be hard for someone such as yourself to witness a loved one struggle to such an intense degree, looking from the outside in. I'm very sorry to hear about your son. My heart breaks for both of you
Thank you, Akasha. When I first learned that my son was using, I thought it would just be a matter of deciding to stop, stopping, and never looking back. I truly didn't understand. I think leaving a relationship - with a person or a substance - can involve a period of mourning and emptiness, even if the relationship/substance was ultimately destructive. I think my son is going through some of that. He is currently at the stage of wanting to want to stop - he's not quite sure if he really wants to, but he wants to want to because he knows he needs to. Does that make sense? Obviously, since he's my son, I wish him the best in his journey. I wish that for you too. I don't want to minimize the challenge you're facing, but have faith in yourself and trust that you can do this.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:18 PM
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hey Akasha, howz about lookin for some F2F support? you type that youre desperate, but are you willing to do whatever is necessary to get clean?
getting clean IS possible. but it doesnt work without first a decision- a decision to do whatever is necessary to get clean.
then action.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:25 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post

Food. Healthy meals. Get them ready.
Change your sheets.
Make sure your best friend is on call.
If you can't completely get rid of the numbers, delete them off your phone and then save the numbers elsewhere thus building in an extra check point in making that unwanted call.
Google addiction centres in your area.
Google NA meetings in your area.
Check in here as often as needed but at least a couple of times a day.
Wtf dude. Was totally not expecting that. Thought you wouldn't reply and think of me as a lost cause. I'm sorry for misjudging you.

Alright here goes nothing.
I just took my supposedly last hit. Doesnt feel good. Food is always available in this house. But the thought of it right now makes me nauseous. For extra safely I will sleep in the living room. Alot of things in my room right now makes me go to dark places in my mind. I deleted all my back up dealer numbers. I have 1 I cannot seem to let go of. I will think about what you said 'creating an extra layer'. My studies are a real headache right now. Writing my next exam on the 2nd of November. The last exam I wrote was amazing. I studied like a boss while being high and wrote while being high. It went well. Sobriety freaks me out for the next exam tbh. N.a. meetings out of the question since my sobriety has to remain as secretive as possible. Will have to Google for addiction centres in my area.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:29 PM
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NA is out of the question because sobriety has to remain secretive, yet lookin at treatment centers??

ever been to an NA meeting?
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:33 PM
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I agree with Tomsteve--I would recommend trying a meeting before going to rehab. You could always still go to rehab--the folks at the meeting might have some suggestions. But the meeting is free, and very likely there is one soon near you.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by mayabee View Post
Thank you, Akasha. When I first learned that my son was using, I thought it would just be a matter of deciding to stop, stopping, and never looking back. I truly didn't understand. I think leaving a relationship - with a person or a substance - can involve a period of mourning and emptiness, even if the relationship/substance was ultimately destructive. I think my son is going through some of that. He is currently at the stage of wanting to want to stop - he's not quite sure if he really wants to, but he wants to want to because he knows he needs to. Does that make sense? Obviously, since he's my son, I wish him the best in his journey. I wish that for you too. I don't want to minimize the challenge you're facing, but have faith in yourself and trust that you can do this.
If I'm very honest. The only thing that worked for me the last time (just over 6 years ago) was tough love. My parents sent me away for a year to a hard-core rehab, not like these 3 or 6 weeks places. It was hard-core. I was isolated and very closely watched. I didn't want to stop for me. I wanted to stop hurting my parents. It broke their hearts watching me kill myself. I het that feeling of wanting to stop but also not wanting to stop your son is in a very tough spot which also puts you in a very tough spot. I have now fallen for the same stupid mistakes after years of sobriety and healthy living. Whatever the case with your son or with me, addiction cannot be dealt with alone. We are not brave enough to face the beast head on. Support him like these people are supporting me but do not baby him. Sometimes we need to hear the 'get real' stuur in order to make a change.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:36 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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*high five* alright now! That's how you do this, deleting the back up numbers is a great start. You are going to let that final number go, I know it. We are with you until that point and after, don't forget that.
I'm going to point out the obvious here, that NA is completely anonymous. I think people generally take that pretty seriously. You can also look into meetings in another town if you feel that support would be beneficial to you. But if not, great that you are willing to at least google about addiction centres.
Good to know there si food around. I hear you on not having any appetite. After my last relapse I could not eat for more than a week. But I knew how crucial it was to getting through it so I forced myself to eat something every day. For a week I managed only 1 banana and 1 small yogurt a day. And even just that little amount i had to spread out over the day. I would just force myself to take one bite at regular intervals. You gotta do it. And tons of water.
I am glad to hear your last exam went well despite you being high. You are a great, very clear writer, I imagine you can really shine when clean and sober. Allow yourself that chance. Exams and studying can be brutal- the stress, the work, all of it. But keep working on that, you need something positive to work towards.
So scratch the changing your bed sheets if your bedroom is a danger area right now. No harm in crashing on the couch. Make it a decent set up though. Get a pillow and a blanket. When you are ready you can do something about transforming your bedroom into a safer place for you. Good call on thinking that through though. Take it a step further, what else could be potential danger areas/issues for you and what can you do to avoid them right now? Is there anything you should throw out? Think through things like music and tv too, sometimes those can be big triggers. Don't listen to or watch anything that takes you to that dangerous mindset.

Seriously though, look at the progress you have already made. Come on, be proud of yourself for that. You are here, you are posting, you are thinking this through, you have already done something huge in deleting some of those numbers, you are using your head to think through things like not going to your bedroom.. you are legit doing this. We are here every step of the way.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:38 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
NA is out of the question because sobriety has to remain secretive, yet lookin at treatment centers??

ever been to an NA meeting?
I have been to one N.A. meeting but walked out and did hits harder than a baseball bat could. This is so freaking hard-core for me. Rehab is out of the question. Cannot let anyone in my life find out that I habe fallen again after all this time. My sobriety is mine alone. This site has helped me more than I though it would and I do feel less alone now. But in a non virtual sense... I remain alone!
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:45 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Akasha View Post
But in a non virtual sense... I remain alone!
You said your best friend knows though, right? You have that one person. Assuming this friend is not a fellow addict, I would suggest talking to them very seriously about this and making the statement out loud about how much you want to quit. It would be great to have someone there with you, in the flesh, to help you through this. That is what friends are for.
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Old 10-21-2017, 01:46 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Meraviglioso View Post
*high five* alright now! That's how you do this, deleting the back up numbers is a great start. You are going to let that final number go, I know it. We are with you until that point and after, don't forget that.
I'm going to point out the obvious here, that NA is completely anonymous. I think people generally take that pretty seriously. You can also look into meetings in another town if you feel that support would be beneficial to you. But if not, great that you are willing to at least google about addiction centres.
Good to know there si food around. I hear you on not having any appetite. After my last relapse I could not eat for more than a week. But I knew how crucial it was to getting through it so I forced myself to eat something every day. For a week I managed only 1 banana and 1 small yogurt a day. And even just that little amount i had to spread out over the day. I would just force myself to take one bite at regular intervals. You gotta do it. And tons of water.
I am glad to hear your last exam went well despite you being high. You are a great, very clear writer, I imagine you can really shine when clean and sober. Allow yourself that chance. Exams and studying can be brutal- the stress, the work, all of it. But keep working on that, you need something positive to work towards.
So scratch the changing your bed sheets if your bedroom is a danger area right now. No harm in crashing on the couch. Make it a decent set up though. Get a pillow and a blanket. When you are ready you can do something about transforming your bedroom into a safer place for you. Good call on thinking that through though. Take it a step further, what else could be potential danger areas/issues for you and what can you do to avoid them right now? Is there anything you should throw out? Think through things like music and tv too, sometimes those can be big triggers. Don't listen to or watch anything that takes you to that dangerous mindset.

Seriously though, look at the progress you have already made. Come on, be proud of yourself for that. You are here, you are posting, you are thinking this through, you have already done something huge in deleting some of those numbers, you are using your head to think through things like not going to your bedroom.. you are legit doing this. We are here every step of the way.
I really want to hug you. The things you say scare the living crap out of me but you make me see things in a different way and right now... you believe in me a hell of a lot more than I do. Things are still okay right now. The very first thing I do when I come down would be eating and drinking fluids. But what then? What do you do when you realise you're sober now and that's the that. In rehab I was locked away and had extremely violent outbursts when I felt the entrapment and the powerlessness of having to stay sober? I don't mean to make mission for you and you have already helped me so much so I do feel bad for asking for even more advice but I know it's coming. It's around the freaking corner. Omg i got so scared all of a sudden.
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