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Long Weekend, A Little Scared....

Old 05-30-2017, 07:24 PM
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Long Weekend, A Little Scared....

Newb here. Lurked a lot, but never posted. Thankful there is a resource like this. Long story short, I've been sober since 11-21-16, until... last Friday. My wonderful wife and son went to my in-laws now that school is out, and for whatever reason, I've been basically drunk since.

Averaged 15 to 20 beers a day for 4 days now. Called in sick today (which I NEVER do). Was using it as a water/vitamin regimen to do day 1, and day 1 sucks. Then got a call a close family member was dying, and I need to make a 2.5 hour drive tomorrow and then go to a hospital to see him.

I started drinking again when I heard that. Had 8 beers, then knew I gotta stop. I have 4 beers left. Was planning to try and let my BAC fall, then do about 1 an hour to try to avoid the worst of the anxiety and depression that always comes with coming down. Plus water and daily vitamin. I have a Xanax scrip, but booze and benzos are bad together: Have to wait until BAC is zero (or almost zero) before I take one, but I know I will need it when the time comes.

Sorry to be a whiny wimp, but I'm scared of this come down and then the situation tomorrow. Got vacation the rest of the week, so work not a problem. I fear the coming down.

By the way, I'm 44, 6'3", 250 lbs, relatively good shape. Mild hypertension (135 over 75ish). Based on how much and how many days I drank, should I be concerned about DTs? Never had them before, just anxiety, but it's been a while since I was drunk and I'm scared.

Last edited by BartShelbyGT; 05-30-2017 at 07:27 PM. Reason: Fat fingered it
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Old 05-30-2017, 08:03 PM
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HI and welcome Bart

We can certainly offer you companionship - if you're really worried healthwise tho there's nothing better than a Dr./ER.

If you think you need to do that, please organise a lift or an uber or something.

D
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Old 05-30-2017, 08:32 PM
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Thanks for the support. I think/hope I'm ok health wise. Anxious with a racy pulse, but no shakes or sweats. I watched my Dad die of alcoholic liver disease and the DTs are no joke.

Just needed somebody to talk to. Can't tell my family, they would be disappointed I'm off the wagon. Feel like such a dumba$$ for doing this. I know the piper must be paid, and his price goes up every day you stay drunk and delay it. That's what's scary, as I've paid it hundreds of times in the past and was hoping to not do it again.

But alas... here I am. It will be a long night....
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Old 05-30-2017, 08:37 PM
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Bart I think for me I just got fed up with " paying the piper" . Giving it up forever was finally the only thing that made sense. Coming to terms with the word forever is the difficult part. It the only way it will work for me. I'm with you pal. You can do it
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Old 05-30-2017, 08:47 PM
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Totally agree. I "thought" my piper paying days were behind me and I had accepted the term forever. That's what's so flipping frustrating. Never saw it coming... I'm like Jim Carey in Dumb and Dumber robbed by a little old lady on an electric cart! 🙄

I pray this "event" was my final screw up. Going to try to sleep. I may be back on depending on how much I toss and turn paying the piper's price. Thanks for your reply.

Glad my wife and son aren't here to see this, but I guess if they were, I might have never started a 5 day bender......

Last edited by BartShelbyGT; 05-30-2017 at 08:51 PM. Reason: Thought of something else
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Old 05-30-2017, 08:54 PM
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It's ok Bart. Don't be to hard on yourself. I was sober for seven years once. In retrospect I really didn't buy into the sobriety forever thinking 100%.

Just don't ever give up. Keep adapting your plan. Learn what went wrong and examine it 1000 times if you have to. Change those things and start again my friend.
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Old 05-31-2017, 03:34 AM
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Hi Bart - How are you doing today? Relapses suck, but like Matt said it can also be a learning experience. Now you know the next time you are going to be alone all weekend you want a solid plan. Alone time is a huge trigger for me too and I keep a running list on my phone of things to do should I find myself alone and tempted.

Keep coming back to SR even when you don't think you need to...it really does help "keep it green".
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Old 05-31-2017, 05:31 AM
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Thanks folks. I just got about 8 straight hours of sleep. Wow did that help, both mentally and physically!
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Old 05-31-2017, 06:15 AM
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Its actually same think what i did for last 1 month. Minimum 13 beers and pack of cigarrets a day. Im sober for 2 days now feeling better. As you said u heard that ur family member in hospital and started drinking again, even this one same i dont know when it started but somehow i start drinking all the time when i feel sad kr excided in bad way. Anyway i feel better now here my stats also 30 183cm 100kg good in shape hearth blood pressure normal only problem was unreal voices i heard sometimes but they gone now. My teeth feel better and hawe little pain in liver area sometimes.
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Old 06-01-2017, 07:13 AM
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Went and said my goodbyes yesterday to my uncle. Then came home and drank a final 6 pack. Dumb... was almost feeling healthy before that. Got a decent night of rest, so starting the process over. Again..... sigh.... wife and son come home tomorrow so I gotta get my act together
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Old 06-01-2017, 08:04 AM
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Bart,

You were 6 months clean and then boom! Were you taking Xanax during the 6 months?

Bet those last 6 beers were really more of a.....physical crave/withdrawal reaction.....vs............. a feeling great oops mistake.

That is the crazy thing about addiction. Why would we intentionally do what we know is just about the worst thing we can do...just for the drunken euphoria.

Is it possible that you don't have an outlet for developing natural dopamine..e.g. working out, volunteer work, AA?

If you are taking Xanax, you probably are not making enough natural dopamine..that means sadness etc. But, I am no expert for sure.

I wouldn't tell my wife....it would just **** her off.

I do what I want to do. But, I sometimes make bad decisions.

You probably need more than online support in the form of AA for starters.

Thanks.
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Old 06-01-2017, 11:55 AM
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Not sure why or where the relapse came from. As we say in AA, we deal with alcohol, baffling and powerful.

I tried AA for awhile, but it seemed like each meeting was the same saga of a bunch of us drunks telling the same war stories about our misadventures of our drinking days.

Getting back into church and having a better relationship with God has been my rock and saving grace. My wife may not know about this idiocy of the last week, but God does and I do. I feel pretty guilty about disappointing my Father, even though I know he is all loving and forgiving.

I do work out 5 days a week (cardio and weights). For a 44 year old fart I can still do 50 push-ups in a row, bench 350+, and run a 4.9ish 40 yards. Sounds braggy, but I do think I'm in decent shape.

As for the Xanax, my scrip is for up to three pills of .5 strength per day. However, I generally just take a half one (.25) in the morning, and sometimes another .25 at night.

I am an HR Director for a large corporation and sometimes have to give pretty big presentations to the board of directors, and negotiate union contracts for large manufacturing facilities. I will occasionally take a Xanax before a particularly stessful event to avoid a big anxiety attack. However, I generally take as little as possible.

Last thing I want is to be a benzo addict AND an alcoholic.

I suppose relapses have many reasons for happening, or so many of us wouldn't have them. I know I shouldn't beat myself up too badly, etc and so on. It just sucks to go through, so it's nice to be able to vent my feelings to others who understand, without having to go to an AA meeting and listen to some dude who's been sober 30 years, which I have tremendous respect for, tell me how much he could party in 1970 something. (no disrespect intended for those who dig AA, it's a great program that has helped countless folks over the years. I've read the Big Book of AA multiple times, and agree with many of Bill's opinions. The meetings just felt redundant to me)
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Old 06-01-2017, 12:01 PM
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I guess that was a long version of thanks so much. Wish I had signed up sooner instead of just lurking. By the way, my real name is Matt. I just had Bart as a nickname with my hometown buddies for my spikey hair and bald drinking Dad when I was in my teens!
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Old 06-01-2017, 12:45 PM
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Matt,

I am w you all the way w church and AA.

I went to my 13th meeting, or so, in my 2 years sober last week. It was not ideal, but f2f is sobering.

I worry that folks here start thinking online is a way out and that it is ok to relapse, make amends, and press.

While it is their life to live, i feel sometimes the support aspect here might not offer the direct information folks need.

I am confident that you know what I know about benzos, AA, and spiritual government.

I saw your size description initially but didn't think you had an exercise regime.

Besides the education SR and the internet gave me, moderate exercise was a game changer.

Thanks.
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Old 06-01-2017, 01:30 PM
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Meetings don't keep people sober, it's doing the work on self that does help us to stay stopped, though.

Working the steps is the answer, not the meetings.
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Old 06-01-2017, 04:21 PM
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Great feedback and thoughts to consider. The thing on working the steps is what hung me up. I got a sponsor, and when we started to talk about disclosing my wrongs and making amends, I think he thought I was not being honest.

Beat my wife, cheat on her? No. Beat my son? No. Get liquored up and make a big scene and say hateful things? No. Steal, rob, or other dishonesty to support my habit? No.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no Saint. In my earlier years I did get in fights while drunk, but that was common among all my peers growing up in a rural area. I also drank and drove, many, many times. Thankfully I never hurt anyone, myself, or got into legal trouble. I did beat the snot out of some fast cars and muddy some 4x4 trucks playing while drunk... Sheer dumb luck and the good Lord kept me out of any serious trouble.

My main transgressions have been becoming a weekend drunk who didn't do the things he wanted to do with his family (the park, social gatherings, etc.) because I was either drunk or hungover. I was happy to push my son out n the swing, as long as it was in our backyard and I could be drunk while I did it.

On 11-21-16, I got so drunk over 3 days that my wife found me passed out on the bathroom floor, and thought I'd had either a stroke or other medical emergency. I'd become so good at hiding it she didn't even know I was drunk.

Started AA after that, but it always felt like they wanted more (again, just my experience, perhaps a different chapter or different sponsor would have been different).

Where I did find true relief was through the church and becoming involved. I grew up going to church, then fell away, finding distaste with organized religion, just thinking that for me, belief in God was all I needed. I was wrong. I needed to actually commit to something and try to serve others, and things have been better since.

Working on my first 24 hours, which I know are the worst. Just never wanted to do a "first 24" again. They suck!!
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Old 06-01-2017, 06:09 PM
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Got a plan for this weekend, Bart?

D
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Old 06-02-2017, 05:06 AM
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Family comes home this afternoon. Still feel like a sack of poopy.

I plan to try and get my happy face on before they get here, basically stay busy. For the last 10 years most of my drinking has taken place at home, so it's not like I have any social places to go that would present temptation.

Mainly just stay busy. Mow, wash the cars, church on Sunday.

I feel so physically fatigued and crappy, plus still mentally "foggy" that alcohol sounds pretty disgusting right now. I'm approaching 36 hours since my last drink, and that's usually when I've begun to feel somewhat better. Not this time....I guess that's what I get for what amounts to 6 days of heavy drinking...

For now I'm concentrating on slowly rehydrating with water and fruit juice (to help my blood sugar get back up to normal). Took a couple of daily vitamins. But I know from experience there are no shortcuts, time is the only thing that truly gets your body back to normal.
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Old 06-02-2017, 03:59 PM
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Hi Matt

Keeping busy is good - but noone can keep busy all their days for the rest of their life...you'll drop dead.

Check out this link on recovery plans - maybe it'll give you some other ideas to add to keeping busy.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

D
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Old 06-03-2017, 04:41 PM
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Hi all. Just checking in. Wife and son home Friday. They could tell I wasn't myself, but I think attributed it to the uncle in the hospital.

Physically, a typical day 3. Still fatigued, a little liver tender, and the post alcohol bowel fun. Still a little anxious and foggy headed, but not that edge of panic and impending death or doom.

My son had t ball early, then I mowed, and grilled some pork chops. Looking forward to church tomorrow and maybe a big dinner followed by a nap.

Just trying to get back into the routine I had over the last 6 months of sobriety. Definitely need a plan the next time I'm home alone for an extended period. Oddly, I travel often for business and never drink when I'm alone on the road, only when I'm alone at home.

Thanks again for your thoughts and support.
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