Not sure why or where the relapse came from. As we say in AA, we deal with alcohol, baffling and powerful.
I tried AA for awhile, but it seemed like each meeting was the same saga of a bunch of us drunks telling the same war stories about our misadventures of our drinking days.
Getting back into church and having a better relationship with God has been my rock and saving grace. My wife may not know about this idiocy of the last week, but God does and I do. I feel pretty guilty about disappointing my Father, even though I know he is all loving and forgiving.
I do work out 5 days a week (cardio and weights). For a 44 year old fart I can still do 50 push-ups in a row, bench 350+, and run a 4.9ish 40 yards. Sounds braggy, but I do think I'm in decent shape.
As for the Xanax, my scrip is for up to three pills of .5 strength per day. However, I generally just take a half one (.25) in the morning, and sometimes another .25 at night.
I am an HR Director for a large corporation and sometimes have to give pretty big presentations to the board of directors, and negotiate union contracts for large manufacturing facilities. I will occasionally take a Xanax before a particularly stessful event to avoid a big anxiety attack. However, I generally take as little as possible.
Last thing I want is to be a benzo addict AND an alcoholic.
I suppose relapses have many reasons for happening, or so many of us wouldn't have them. I know I shouldn't beat myself up too badly, etc and so on. It just sucks to go through, so it's nice to be able to vent my feelings to others who understand, without having to go to an AA meeting and listen to some dude who's been sober 30 years, which I have tremendous respect for, tell me how much he could party in 1970 something. (no disrespect intended for those who dig AA, it's a great program that has helped countless folks over the years. I've read the Big Book of AA multiple times, and agree with many of Bill's opinions. The meetings just felt redundant to me)