I can't stay in Aa
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,454
Hi sweetichick 
You can do whatever you want - just don't give up on recovery.
You deserve a sober, happy life - but that's gonna take some effort on your part not to pick up the next drink.
Maybe your sober friends can help you?
D
You can do whatever you want - just don't give up on recovery.
You deserve a sober, happy life - but that's gonna take some effort on your part not to pick up the next drink.
Maybe your sober friends can help you?
D
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
I got so many replies in favour of AA it really made me think I am dismissing it too soon. I don't want to keep drinking and Smart meetings aren't available till next Tuesday. Maybe my heart is not in giving up. I have to due to stomach ulcers. I'm annihilate d by the breakup with my boyfriend. Maybe I'll just go to AA and say I'm not into the steps.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
I've been to meetings where the 'old timers' refuse the prayer(s)..and they've been sober 30+years.. It's really a take what you want type of thing. Don't focus on any one individual..just focus on what you want to. I'm also FAR from the religious type so, I was a bit out of my comfort zone at first..Just stay sober no matter what.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 66
Hi sweetichick,
When I got into AA I was pretty low. I was suicidal and on the verge of losing my family and kids. In some respects I was lucky, because I was willing to try anything at that stage. As someone who cared very little for spirituality or religion I was even willing to give that a try if that was what was needed.
I'd actually originally eliminated AA altogether in my mind, because I didn't like how it sounded and read some stuff online that had already cemented my ideas.
Desperation is a helpful motivator though!
I've had meetings I didn't like, people I didn't like but that is vastly overshadowed by the sheer amount of support I've had. I had people calling, offering to help, offering to sponsor and constant daily messages of support from others.
If you do decide to go back, try and find some sane older sober members that you can click with. Try and find some newcomers that are doing it tough like yourself and keep in touch with them.
Remember that this is a 'disease of perception'. The reason it had gotten so bad for me was not because everything actually did suck, its that the way I was viewing the world had become so warped and tainted by alcohol and drugs that I wasn't able to see anything clearly any more. Looking back now and thinking 'oh my god I was literally talking to my partner about killing myself' makes me realise how mentally unwell I was at the time.
If you choose to go back, don't overthink it, just take the not drinking a day at a time and do what is suggested. You may find your perspective changing and becoming more accomodating of what is on offer. It certainly did for me I wish you all the best in your journey.
When I got into AA I was pretty low. I was suicidal and on the verge of losing my family and kids. In some respects I was lucky, because I was willing to try anything at that stage. As someone who cared very little for spirituality or religion I was even willing to give that a try if that was what was needed.
I'd actually originally eliminated AA altogether in my mind, because I didn't like how it sounded and read some stuff online that had already cemented my ideas.
Desperation is a helpful motivator though!
I've had meetings I didn't like, people I didn't like but that is vastly overshadowed by the sheer amount of support I've had. I had people calling, offering to help, offering to sponsor and constant daily messages of support from others.
If you do decide to go back, try and find some sane older sober members that you can click with. Try and find some newcomers that are doing it tough like yourself and keep in touch with them.
Remember that this is a 'disease of perception'. The reason it had gotten so bad for me was not because everything actually did suck, its that the way I was viewing the world had become so warped and tainted by alcohol and drugs that I wasn't able to see anything clearly any more. Looking back now and thinking 'oh my god I was literally talking to my partner about killing myself' makes me realise how mentally unwell I was at the time.
If you choose to go back, don't overthink it, just take the not drinking a day at a time and do what is suggested. You may find your perspective changing and becoming more accomodating of what is on offer. It certainly did for me
I wish you all the best in your journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I'll be honest with you. I don't go to many meetings. Maybe once a week. Sometimes it's every couple of weeks. Certainly not as many as when I first got sober. The time spent in between meetings is just living my life - happy, joyous and free. Meetings are a good start. I wish I could get to more of them because I actually enjoy them. But the program of AA is the steps. They are what have enabled me to have the life I could only dream about when I was drinking myself to death.
At least for me, finding a good sponser, working the steps to the best of my ability and carrying that knowledge, understanding and serenity forward gave me real recovery, not just sobriety. So if you decide to give AA another shot, maybe give the steps a try as well.
Also, I'm not religious in the slightest. I wasn't even spiritual when I came into the program. But that didn't stop me from learning how to live the steps on a daily basis. I just neeeed some good old honesty, willingness and open mindedness.
I hope you find what works for you.
At least for me, finding a good sponser, working the steps to the best of my ability and carrying that knowledge, understanding and serenity forward gave me real recovery, not just sobriety. So if you decide to give AA another shot, maybe give the steps a try as well.
Also, I'm not religious in the slightest. I wasn't even spiritual when I came into the program. But that didn't stop me from learning how to live the steps on a daily basis. I just neeeed some good old honesty, willingness and open mindedness.
I hope you find what works for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I never got the ringing thing at first either It took me months to 'lower myself' to actually call someone as advised. And when i did, it was because i thought I'd be helping them, not the other way around. I rationalised away the advise to call people with thinking, "What am I even calling for? They'll just tell me to not drink" Or "they'll only say go to a meeting." The thing is, my real reason for not calling were FEAR (I was scared they might think me silly, or even worse, needy. And that I'd be embarrassed. Honestly, I swear us British folk would rather die in a fire than risk the embarrassment of calling for help sometimes ). EGO. I thought I knew better than everyone else, despite the evidence to the contrary. I remember first hearing Clancy say on on eBay of his speaker recordings that when he first went to AA he though "Maybe if I was stupid, I'd be able to get this too!" It was one of those giggle / cringe moments. It was kinda funny, but only because that's what I'd thought as well.
At the moment the drink is making you poorly. Proper poorly. But that poorliness can (I've noticed in others I've met) work quite well in feeding the perception of being different to others in the rooms. After all, you're not a 'proper' alcoholic. If you weren't sick then there wouldn't be a problem. You could keep on drinking. Thing is, it isn't the poorliness that takes you there is it. It's the fact that despite your own best thinking, you cannot stop drinking once you start. And I bet, once you're willing and sober long enough to see it, the alcohol is affecting plenty of other areas of your life as well as your health. Just, at the moment while your AV is so strong because you keep feeding the little beast, it is making you think of those consequences of drinking as reasons for drinking. That is the alcoholic perspective at work. When our AV is strong, and we're not so practiced at AV spotting, it's easy to get confused and angry about our reasons for staying sober. We argue in our heads for a bit and invariably the AV shouts loudest and we take that first drink. And because we're alcoholic, we then think, oh sod it, I've drank now, so I may as well have some more and try again tomorrow. For you the illness likely is currently as much ammunition for your AV as it is a rational reason for quitting.
when we post and read on here, or go to a meeting, or call another alcoholic in recovery, what we are doing is allowing someone else to get in on that discussion / argument in our heads between our AV and our rational self. Of course, that is NOT what our AV wants and it will put us a big fight against us doing this. You OP wasn't really asking others considered opinion was it. It was your AV in full flow. Self justification and willfulness in action. You did it though - even if not for the purposes of getting advice. That's okay. When positive stuff comes from negative, that's kinda HP in action for me. The real plus about calling someone is that the response is instant. Just like your desire for a drink. And if the person you call only says "Go to a meeting" Or "Just don't drink" and has nothing else to offer then maybe try someone else the next time. I would expect though that won't be what would happen. They would instead help your more rational thoughts speak up over your AV. Encourage you to play the tape forward and think through what happens if you make the choice to drink. They'd help you think through the triggers that may be present for you and how to overcome them. They might distract you by asking what you think about some issue or another that isn't about you or your drinking - not because you and your drinking isn't important, but because if we look at something too closely for too long our focus and perspective gets skewed. Sure - when you're not in the middle of a craving for drink we can do all this thinking for ourselves. But in the middle of an AV tantrum in early sobriety / recovery, at times it can be nigh on impossible. I'd suggest giving calling people a good go before dismissing it out of hand.
I'd also suggest trying some different meetings to see which ones suit you best. I have been to lots of amazing meetings but can think of one in particular that was very negative. Ie problem focussed rather than solution focussed. That was nit so helpful to me at times. However, I can also think of times when I've convinced myself that the meeting had a problem, and actually it was me that had a problem, because I was too stuck in my AV (or up somewhere else on my anatomy if my sponsor is to believed haha) at the time.
Hope you're feeling a bit more positive now.
Have you ever listened to any of the speakers? There is a great website where they have loads to choose from. Might be worth listening to some of the Newcomer and Step 1 recordings? ... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
At the moment the drink is making you poorly. Proper poorly. But that poorliness can (I've noticed in others I've met) work quite well in feeding the perception of being different to others in the rooms. After all, you're not a 'proper' alcoholic. If you weren't sick then there wouldn't be a problem. You could keep on drinking. Thing is, it isn't the poorliness that takes you there is it. It's the fact that despite your own best thinking, you cannot stop drinking once you start. And I bet, once you're willing and sober long enough to see it, the alcohol is affecting plenty of other areas of your life as well as your health. Just, at the moment while your AV is so strong because you keep feeding the little beast, it is making you think of those consequences of drinking as reasons for drinking. That is the alcoholic perspective at work. When our AV is strong, and we're not so practiced at AV spotting, it's easy to get confused and angry about our reasons for staying sober. We argue in our heads for a bit and invariably the AV shouts loudest and we take that first drink. And because we're alcoholic, we then think, oh sod it, I've drank now, so I may as well have some more and try again tomorrow. For you the illness likely is currently as much ammunition for your AV as it is a rational reason for quitting.
when we post and read on here, or go to a meeting, or call another alcoholic in recovery, what we are doing is allowing someone else to get in on that discussion / argument in our heads between our AV and our rational self. Of course, that is NOT what our AV wants and it will put us a big fight against us doing this. You OP wasn't really asking others considered opinion was it. It was your AV in full flow. Self justification and willfulness in action. You did it though - even if not for the purposes of getting advice. That's okay. When positive stuff comes from negative, that's kinda HP in action for me. The real plus about calling someone is that the response is instant. Just like your desire for a drink. And if the person you call only says "Go to a meeting" Or "Just don't drink" and has nothing else to offer then maybe try someone else the next time. I would expect though that won't be what would happen. They would instead help your more rational thoughts speak up over your AV. Encourage you to play the tape forward and think through what happens if you make the choice to drink. They'd help you think through the triggers that may be present for you and how to overcome them. They might distract you by asking what you think about some issue or another that isn't about you or your drinking - not because you and your drinking isn't important, but because if we look at something too closely for too long our focus and perspective gets skewed. Sure - when you're not in the middle of a craving for drink we can do all this thinking for ourselves. But in the middle of an AV tantrum in early sobriety / recovery, at times it can be nigh on impossible. I'd suggest giving calling people a good go before dismissing it out of hand.
I'd also suggest trying some different meetings to see which ones suit you best. I have been to lots of amazing meetings but can think of one in particular that was very negative. Ie problem focussed rather than solution focussed. That was nit so helpful to me at times. However, I can also think of times when I've convinced myself that the meeting had a problem, and actually it was me that had a problem, because I was too stuck in my AV (or up somewhere else on my anatomy if my sponsor is to believed haha) at the time.
Hope you're feeling a bit more positive now.
Have you ever listened to any of the speakers? There is a great website where they have loads to choose from. Might be worth listening to some of the Newcomer and Step 1 recordings? ... http://www.recoveryaudio.org/
Wishing you all the best for your recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Western NY
Posts: 1,209
Sweetichick - I was TERRIFIED of doing a 4th step when I first came in the rooms. There was one meeting in particular where the topic was specifically about the 4th step and I had to step out of the meeting. I was physically shaking over the thought of having to dig up everything from the past that I desperately wanted to blot out of existence. Other people told me about how good it felt for them, but I thought they were all full of ****. It didn't make sense to me how it was going to help.
Eventually, when I started going through the stepwork the fear of step 4 subsided and I even looked forward to it when I was ready to take it. My sponsor never pushed me to take steps unless we both agreed that I was ready for it. I had already seen a change for the better in the prior 3 steps or else I would never have taken it. In fact, I wouldn't have even continued the stepwork if it wasn't helping me. I felt like it was helping me pretty much right from the beginning of starting them.
I wanted to share my experience with you in case you felt like everyone comes in gung ho about doing the steps from the beginning. No one is going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. If you choose not to do the steps then it is your decision. There are people that I know who have only been relying on the fellowship component of the program (calling people, going to meetings, going to sober events, etc.), and have been sober for multiple years. That isn't my path to recovery, but I don't judge the path that others choose to take.
I hope you find what works for you inside or outside the rooms.
Eventually, when I started going through the stepwork the fear of step 4 subsided and I even looked forward to it when I was ready to take it. My sponsor never pushed me to take steps unless we both agreed that I was ready for it. I had already seen a change for the better in the prior 3 steps or else I would never have taken it. In fact, I wouldn't have even continued the stepwork if it wasn't helping me. I felt like it was helping me pretty much right from the beginning of starting them.
I wanted to share my experience with you in case you felt like everyone comes in gung ho about doing the steps from the beginning. No one is going to force you to do anything you don't want to do. If you choose not to do the steps then it is your decision. There are people that I know who have only been relying on the fellowship component of the program (calling people, going to meetings, going to sober events, etc.), and have been sober for multiple years. That isn't my path to recovery, but I don't judge the path that others choose to take.
I hope you find what works for you inside or outside the rooms.
Recovering
Join Date: May 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 1,361
Originally Posted by sweetichick 
I got so many replies in favour of AA it really made me think I am dismissing it too soon. I don't want to keep drinking and Smart meetings aren't available till next Tuesday. Maybe my heart is not in giving up. I have to due to stomach ulcers. I'm annihilate d by the breakup with my boyfriend. Maybe I'll just go to AA and say I'm not into the steps.
Looking back at your posts it does seem you're in a pretty rough place at the moment and haven't been able to find sobriety by simply 'trying harder'. Are you sure it's not worth really trying the steps to see whether that might get you out of the trap you are currently in? You've been to AA meetings without really working the steps before, and it didn't stop you drinking. Why not try something different this time - something that has worked for lots of people? Can't you give the 'Big Book', steps, sponsor and all, a real chance?
We're all worried about you Sweetchick.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
A newcomer asks and old timer " When should I take the steps?" Old timer replies, "When do you want to recover? If you want to recover now, we'll take the steps now. If you want to recover later, well I guess you can put off taking the steps, but you'll probably drink."
The big book is full of promises about sobriety. They have pretty much all come true for me. But I do not know of any claim or promise that permanent recovery (for the AA hopeless alcoholic) can be achieved by some other way than working the steps.
The big book is full of promises about sobriety. They have pretty much all come true for me. But I do not know of any claim or promise that permanent recovery (for the AA hopeless alcoholic) can be achieved by some other way than working the steps.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,802
Thanks so much for all the replies. I drank 3 bottles today even while having dinner with my friends. That tells me there is something seriously wrong. Even with the breakup I need help. I'll go back to AA tomorrow with a different attitude or at least try to change it. My friend from AA filled my car with petrol so I could afford to get to meetings. I owe it to her to at least make an effort. I have nothing to lose as everyone has said.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 1,060
AA works if you believe in God.
AA works if you don't believe in God.
But AA won't work if you believe you're God.
Good luck Sweetichick. Remember AA will be here if or when you ever want to try it again. Lots of Prayers.
AA works if you don't believe in God.
But AA won't work if you believe you're God.
Good luck Sweetichick. Remember AA will be here if or when you ever want to try it again. Lots of Prayers.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Originally Posted by sweetichick
My friend from AA filled my car with petrol so I could afford to get to meetings.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I don't participate in AA, but I did work hard to develop a structured
recovery program tailored to me which I work daily.
What you don't choose to do is much less important than the proactive
action you do take on a daily basis for you by you.
What is your plan for sobriety?
By this, I mean what are you doing to get at underlying issues that triggered drinking in the first place?
What do you do instead of drink during the times you used to drink?
What are your planned responses to stress, upset and the daily ups and downs
that are normal in a sober life for everyone?
What activities, dreams, plans have you made to fill the time you used spend drinking?
Are you actually doing any of these yet?
If not, maybe get a schedule app or book and start blocking out time for you.
How is your nutrition and exercise? Taking care of and rebuilding your body
are critical components for long-term sobriety to work well.
Sleep is also something to condition yourself to if insomnia is an issue
or if you used alcohol to knock yourself out (I sure did).
I not only believe, but know from my own life example and that of many others here
on SR that you can get and stay sober without a formal program, but it takes
work and planning and self-directed action.
If you want to share what you are doing or thinking about this process,
it might really contribute to your success
recovery program tailored to me which I work daily.
What you don't choose to do is much less important than the proactive
action you do take on a daily basis for you by you.
What is your plan for sobriety?
By this, I mean what are you doing to get at underlying issues that triggered drinking in the first place?
What do you do instead of drink during the times you used to drink?
What are your planned responses to stress, upset and the daily ups and downs
that are normal in a sober life for everyone?
What activities, dreams, plans have you made to fill the time you used spend drinking?
Are you actually doing any of these yet?
If not, maybe get a schedule app or book and start blocking out time for you.
How is your nutrition and exercise? Taking care of and rebuilding your body
are critical components for long-term sobriety to work well.
Sleep is also something to condition yourself to if insomnia is an issue
or if you used alcohol to knock yourself out (I sure did).
I not only believe, but know from my own life example and that of many others here
on SR that you can get and stay sober without a formal program, but it takes
work and planning and self-directed action.
If you want to share what you are doing or thinking about this process,
it might really contribute to your success
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by sweetichick
My friend from AA filled my car with petrol so I could afford to get to meetings. I owe it to her to at least make an effort. I have nothing to lose as everyone has said.
have you started reading the big book? what you type reminds me of one of the stories in the back of a women who resembles your experience.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 2,966
As far as the breakup goes, see my thread "Just got out of jail"...I was drinking HEAVY over a breakup and that's where it led me. No one person is worth your health/safety. We can not control others choices or happiness, only our own.
Catch and Release
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Crazy Canuck
Posts: 441
Hawkeye13 - that has to be one of the best posts I've ever read on this forum. It should be a sticky re: a person CAN become and STAY sober without formal program. I have too and using the very techniques you outlined in that wonderful post.
Thanks Caliofish.
Thanks Caliofish.
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