I can't stay in Aa
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by sweetichick 
I really wish it had worked. But the pressure this lady was putting on me to go to meetings all the time was causing me not to sleep. Plus it's definitely cultic if they say to not hang out with your friends to go to meetings. .
was it "don't hang out with your friends" or something along the lines of ," have to stay away from wet faces?"
were they sharing their experience,telling you what to do, or giving you suggestions?
when i was new i had a serious problem with hearing something different than what was said. seemed i had that problem for a wee bit of time before i got into AA. took me some time to start seeing that.
then again, people don't always convey what they wanting to convey in an understandable way, which im still guilty of, but ive made progress.
pressure to go to meetings isn't good. pressure to do anything the program suggests isn't good. yup, theres people in AA that are pushy and controlling, and i don't have to be around them or use their suggestions. actually, i don't have to use anyones suggestions if it doesn't feel right- i have the right to go to meetings where ever and when ever i want and work the program how i want.
and if anyone has a problem with that? welp, that's their problem.
talking to someone when i have a problem and hearing,"go to a meeting" wouldn't help me. that's like tellin me ,to stay sober just put the plug in the jug. well, no ****! how do i keep the plug in the jug!?!?!
meetings are good, but going to meetings and not drinking doesn't treat alcoholism.ive seen a few people that just go to meetings and keep comin back with,"i drank again."
then ive seen people who,imo, are a wee bit overboard and addicted to meetings-living a fear based program- the thought that missing a meeting causes restless, irritability, and discontent; that meetings are what keeps the sober and serene.
the big book says differently.
heres something from the big book that comes to mind
People have said we must not go where liquor is served; we must not have it in our homes; we must shun friends who drink; we must avoid moving pictures which show drinking scenes; we must not go into bars; our friends must hide their bottles if we go to their houses; we mustn't think or be reminded about alcohol at all. Our experience shows that this is not necessarily so.
We meet these conditions every day. An alcoholic who cannot meet them, still has an alcoholic mind; there is something the matter with his spiritual status. His only chance for sobriety would be some place like the Greenland Ice Cap, and even there an Eskimo might turn up with a bottle of scotch and ruin everything! Ask any woman who has sent her husband to distant places on the theory he would escape the alcohol problem.
In our belief any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure. If the alcoholic tries to shield himself he may succeed for a time, but he usually winds up with a bigger explosion than ever. We have tried these methods. These attempts to do the impossible have always failed.
So our rule is not to avoid a place where there is drinking, if we have a legitimate reason for being there. That includes bars, nightclubs, dances, receptions, weddings, even plain ordinary whoopee parties. To a person who has had experience with an alcoholic, this may seem like tempting Providence, but it isn't.
hope i was able to convey what im thinkin.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
sweetichick - I feel kind of the same way. I've been forging a hybrid path of aa and other stuff, and honestly for myself I feel the most important part of aa is the group support, as opposed to the rest of it. Just my opinion, but you're not alone in this. I honestly believe that for some of us especially with bad social anxiety like myself the pressure of going to regular meetings and speaking, especially in the early days, can be as triggering as they are helpful *sometimes* (I dont want to turn off other people though for whom the program does work very well...I think its important to give it a chance to see if it fits).
There are other resources like online meetings, phone meetings, meetings of other types of groups (SMART, Buddhist recovery, etc), and the other resources on this site that AlaskaGirl mentioned. I wouldnt beat yourself up if you're feeling that way. I DO think group support is critical no matter what, even if groups can be intimidating and triggering - its a fine line some of us have to walk in determining whats right for us, but I also know it can be done. Self compassion is also very important.
Take care
There are other resources like online meetings, phone meetings, meetings of other types of groups (SMART, Buddhist recovery, etc), and the other resources on this site that AlaskaGirl mentioned. I wouldnt beat yourself up if you're feeling that way. I DO think group support is critical no matter what, even if groups can be intimidating and triggering - its a fine line some of us have to walk in determining whats right for us, but I also know it can be done. Self compassion is also very important.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 1,095
Originally Posted by sweetichick
Thanks for the replies. I'll have to try something else. I don't even believe in the doctors opinion that we have a physical allergy. I believe it's all mental why we drink. I can't handle the AA copulticook they say. I know heaps who have stopped drinking just because they had to. Smart sounds good.
AA isn't for everyone. I don't agree with everything they do. I am sure I could stay sober without going to AA. But I learn from others how they struggled with life and are trying to stay sober. I also enjoy the support and I feel a sense of belonging.
I also meet so many friendly people at AA that do not judge me - that is rare in everyday life situations.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I stopped going to AA many times throughout my life.
And returned to my old ways.
The good thing about it all.
The seed has been planted and I knew later where to go when I was tore up
and seeking help -- back to AA.
M-Bob
And returned to my old ways.
The good thing about it all.
The seed has been planted and I knew later where to go when I was tore up
and seeking help -- back to AA.
M-Bob
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 936
The Doctor's Opinion isn't just to point out the "allergy" (If you put it in me, my body says "give me more") but that true alcoholism is a spiritual (not religious) malady, that also has a physical allergy, but it centers in the mind. We're still alcoholic even if we just don't drink, until we change our thinking and behavior.
It took me over a decade to do a 4th step but I'll spare you my experience that you're not in a place to hear.
AA may seem like a cult (I thought that too) but it is not. We all have different lives. Some follow religion, some don't. And like Tomsteve said, some follow different religions. Some are just spiritual without any religion.
We just happen to have this problem in common and we share the common solution.....
Others on this forum have tried SMART or AVRT and have had success so if you aren't willing to do AA, try those out.
Good luck on your recovery.
It took me over a decade to do a 4th step but I'll spare you my experience that you're not in a place to hear.
AA may seem like a cult (I thought that too) but it is not. We all have different lives. Some follow religion, some don't. And like Tomsteve said, some follow different religions. Some are just spiritual without any religion.
We just happen to have this problem in common and we share the common solution.....
Others on this forum have tried SMART or AVRT and have had success so if you aren't willing to do AA, try those out.
Good luck on your recovery.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Originally Posted by sweetichick
They say to ring someone if you want a drink and go to a meeting everyday. Meetings don't stop me drinking. I need my friends and we meet for dinner nearly every night. I don't believe a higher power will help me. It's too much pressure, too dogmatic. What's the point of ringing someone if they just say go to a meeting. I can't handle listening to everyone problems. Giving it the flick. Don't see the point of step 4. Seems like too cultic. My friends are important otherwise I would be alone. I'll go as a visitor every now and then but that's all.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi sweetichick,
Like many above had said, the important thing is finding a recovery program that works for you. I have found posting and reading here daily to be a big part of my recovery. I have also done lots of reading, journaling, walking, to be helpful. Mindfulness has also been important to my recovery, it helps to stay in the here and now.
You can do this.
Like many above had said, the important thing is finding a recovery program that works for you. I have found posting and reading here daily to be a big part of my recovery. I have also done lots of reading, journaling, walking, to be helpful. Mindfulness has also been important to my recovery, it helps to stay in the here and now.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Well, it sounds like you've made your mind up.
Onwards and upwards then, because it doesn't sound like (much as you say you need them) that having dinner with your friends every night is stopping you from drinking either. And if nothing changes, then generally nothing will change. If we keep doing the same thing, then we can pretty much expect for the same thing to keep happening.
What is in your sobriety plan now that AA has been removed? If you're uncertain about that, I'd suggest having a reread of Dee's thread and getting your own plan in place and starting to work on it diligently. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
I would say though, that many people do not go to a meeting every day. In some areas that's just not possible. I for one used / use calling or texting people from the fellowship and the AA speaker recordings to top up between meetings, and of course reading the literature.
To be honest, there is no reason why you would understand why every part of the program works just from a few meetings. I didnt either, and boy did I spend some time kicking back against working the steps or confiding with a sponsor - esp step 4 and 5. But just because I didn't understand how or why it could or would work, didn't mean it couldn't or wouldn't. In the end I got pretty desperate and took a leap of faith and did it anyway. It was either that or become more and more depressed and suicidal. In the end I thought I had pretty much nothing to lose from giving it a go. And yes, it did work for me. The promises DID come true. Lucky for me that I didn't know everything after all lol.
Someone said to me at some point (and it peed me right off) "Berry, there are no real problems here you know. Just solutions that you don't like!" That's the problem with sponsors. They're really bloody irritating when they're right!!
Anyway. You're the one who is responsible for your sobriety and your recovery, so you don't need to explain yourself to anyone whatever you decide. But just removing drinking rarely works. We need to learn how to deal with life on life's terms without our old comfort blanket booze. And the trouble with non-drinking / normies is that they do this Living stuff so intuitively that they don't really know HOW they do it. Because other alcoholics in recovery have worked so hard on getting this stuff under their belts they make pretty good teachers. I know that sounds daft, but honestly, if you want basic algebra explained, the last person to ask is someone who is an advanced-genious level mathematician, because they just won't understand what it is you don't 'get'. Better off asking someone else who used to struggle with it, then learned it and has spent a while practicing it, and talking to others about it, and teaching it to others. They at least stand a fighting chance in spotting where we're falling down.
Anyway. I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery whatever you decide to do. BB
Onwards and upwards then, because it doesn't sound like (much as you say you need them) that having dinner with your friends every night is stopping you from drinking either. And if nothing changes, then generally nothing will change. If we keep doing the same thing, then we can pretty much expect for the same thing to keep happening.
What is in your sobriety plan now that AA has been removed? If you're uncertain about that, I'd suggest having a reread of Dee's thread and getting your own plan in place and starting to work on it diligently. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html
I would say though, that many people do not go to a meeting every day. In some areas that's just not possible. I for one used / use calling or texting people from the fellowship and the AA speaker recordings to top up between meetings, and of course reading the literature.
To be honest, there is no reason why you would understand why every part of the program works just from a few meetings. I didnt either, and boy did I spend some time kicking back against working the steps or confiding with a sponsor - esp step 4 and 5. But just because I didn't understand how or why it could or would work, didn't mean it couldn't or wouldn't. In the end I got pretty desperate and took a leap of faith and did it anyway. It was either that or become more and more depressed and suicidal. In the end I thought I had pretty much nothing to lose from giving it a go. And yes, it did work for me. The promises DID come true. Lucky for me that I didn't know everything after all lol.
Someone said to me at some point (and it peed me right off) "Berry, there are no real problems here you know. Just solutions that you don't like!" That's the problem with sponsors. They're really bloody irritating when they're right!!
Anyway. You're the one who is responsible for your sobriety and your recovery, so you don't need to explain yourself to anyone whatever you decide. But just removing drinking rarely works. We need to learn how to deal with life on life's terms without our old comfort blanket booze. And the trouble with non-drinking / normies is that they do this Living stuff so intuitively that they don't really know HOW they do it. Because other alcoholics in recovery have worked so hard on getting this stuff under their belts they make pretty good teachers. I know that sounds daft, but honestly, if you want basic algebra explained, the last person to ask is someone who is an advanced-genious level mathematician, because they just won't understand what it is you don't 'get'. Better off asking someone else who used to struggle with it, then learned it and has spent a while practicing it, and talking to others about it, and teaching it to others. They at least stand a fighting chance in spotting where we're falling down.
Anyway. I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery whatever you decide to do. BB
AA Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
Originally Posted by sweetichick
I can't handle listening to everyone problems.
interesting
sure theres some of that but i hear mostly solution/ direction
aa is not for everyone and i hope you find something that works for you
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Jillwink
Sweet chick, AA isn't for me either. However, you must find some plan for staying sober. For me, it's reading here daily and two exceptional books that forever changed my view of alcohol.
Get exercise daily too!
Get exercise daily too!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
with your very strong opinions and mindset, the program of AA does not stand a chance of being of benefit to you. while i understand that there is no one size fits all, i do worry about how many things you have convinced yourself will not work FOR YOU.
as it is, you are still drinking. there really IS a very pressing reason for you to ACTIVELY seek a path to recovery - because we are talking life or death matters. YOUR life.
if you are convinced that it's all in your head, then make the decision to quit and be done with it. if you find you might need more help than that, get busy and get involved.
as it is, you are still drinking. there really IS a very pressing reason for you to ACTIVELY seek a path to recovery - because we are talking life or death matters. YOUR life.
if you are convinced that it's all in your head, then make the decision to quit and be done with it. if you find you might need more help than that, get busy and get involved.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 732
The fact you have been brave enough to go into a group of people is great because many find that step too difficult. You just have to find the right group for you. I found a SMART group and I adore going there, I look forward to it every time.
After years of avoiding help groups I now realise how much they help f they are the right one for you. Good luck
After years of avoiding help groups I now realise how much they help f they are the right one for you. Good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: virgin islands
Posts: 145
The most important step in AA is the first one you take through the door.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking - if you have that you are welcome at any meeting. There are no rules or demands.
I found AA helped me let go of ego, and resentments. It sounds a little like your ego doesn't want the help AA offers. Maybe hang in there a while longer and discover some humility.
I don't believe in a higher power, nor to I have to, and I don't have to follow the rules of AA - there are none! The Steps are 'suggested' as a program of recovery.
I do trust in the fellowship of AA that helped me learn who I was without a drink in my hand. I hope you can find the same and discover serenity in sobriety.
The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking - if you have that you are welcome at any meeting. There are no rules or demands.
I found AA helped me let go of ego, and resentments. It sounds a little like your ego doesn't want the help AA offers. Maybe hang in there a while longer and discover some humility.
I don't believe in a higher power, nor to I have to, and I don't have to follow the rules of AA - there are none! The Steps are 'suggested' as a program of recovery.
I do trust in the fellowship of AA that helped me learn who I was without a drink in my hand. I hope you can find the same and discover serenity in sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
sweetichick, I never went to AA, but kept it a possibility if I couldn't do it on my own. Fortunately I could do it on my own but it took a LOT of determination, a plan that I went back to a lot (and revised a couple of times too) and finally it took ACTION.
I recall saying this to you before - I don't like to comment on other people's personal life in a way that's specific to them - but that fella you broke up with was bad. bad news. You need to grieve that, I get it. But you're strong, stronger than you know. Now's the time to recognise that strength. Say it out loud if you need to - remind yourself you are strong.
You may not need AA, but you need a plan and you need action to stay stopped. You can do it. You are strong.
I recall saying this to you before - I don't like to comment on other people's personal life in a way that's specific to them - but that fella you broke up with was bad. bad news. You need to grieve that, I get it. But you're strong, stronger than you know. Now's the time to recognise that strength. Say it out loud if you need to - remind yourself you are strong.
You may not need AA, but you need a plan and you need action to stay stopped. You can do it. You are strong.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Milwaukee
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by sweetichick
They say to ring someone if you want a drink and go to a meeting everyday. Meetings don't stop me drinking. I need my friends and we meet for dinner nearly every night. I don't believe a higher power will help me. It's too much pressure, too dogmatic. What's the point of ringing someone if they just say go to a meeting. I can't handle listening to everyone problems. Giving it the flick. Don't see the point of step 4. Seems like too cultic. My friends are important otherwise I would be alone. I'll go as a visitor every now and then but that's all.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Personally I find meetings over-rated in terms of their ability to bring about permanent recovery. The real work of recovery is done almost exclusively AWAY from meetings. That is the work that keeps me sober, but if you are unwilling to do the AA work, then AA cannot be expected to work, can it?
Dont get me wrong. I like meetings. It is where I go to give back, in gratitude for all that the program has given me. But the program is not the meetings.
I never understood the ring if you feel like drinking thing either. IME those who ring don't drink and never were going to - the call being an effective defense at the time, and those who are going to drink, never ring, because all defenses are down and the obsession is back full force.
As for the group as a Higher Power, well, it might have its value in respect to drinking, but what about the rest of life, and the 22 hours each day that we are not sheltered by the group?
Sweetichick, if you think you know a better way you owe it to yourself to find it. Just try not to die in the process.
Dont get me wrong. I like meetings. It is where I go to give back, in gratitude for all that the program has given me. But the program is not the meetings.
I never understood the ring if you feel like drinking thing either. IME those who ring don't drink and never were going to - the call being an effective defense at the time, and those who are going to drink, never ring, because all defenses are down and the obsession is back full force.
As for the group as a Higher Power, well, it might have its value in respect to drinking, but what about the rest of life, and the 22 hours each day that we are not sheltered by the group?
Sweetichick, if you think you know a better way you owe it to yourself to find it. Just try not to die in the process.
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