entropy1964

Thanks Dee. I really can't complain.....day 13 done and dusted. I've been down this path an embarrassing number of times. I guess the good news is I kinda know what to expect. I hope anyway!

ilovedogs666

Hi frickaflip, I just wanted to say hi! I have read many of your posts helping other people and they helped me and my sobriety tremendously. So thank you. I know relapse can be terrible, I felt an incredible amount of guilty, shame, desperation and hopelessness after my last one. However, you know that you can do this. Stay strong, we do this together one day at a time.

entropy1964

Hi ilovedogs....want mine? Haha. Just kidding. I love my dogs, really do.

Well I'm glad anything I say can find a home in someone else's thoughts. Makes me feel good, thank you.

Yeah relapse. Again. And again. The hard line is, I'm a dumb azz...which is basically true. But reality is, beating myself up over and over is fruitless and counter-productive. Learn from the past? Yes. Stay stuck in it? No. Can't.

So onward and upward right? Thank you for your kind words.

saoutchik

Hi Frick, just remember that although you relapsed a number of times that means you got sober the same number of times and your body will be better for it.

I lost count of the times I relapsed, sometimes I was barely sober long enough to even call it a relapse. I'm sure the majority of us SR folks didn't get sober forever at the first attempt would that it were that easy.

It is hard trying to build up that sober time but the one day at a time cliché is the way to go

I know you will beat this

Good luck

entropy1964

Okay day 14 on sobriety island. That's what I feel like when I write these posts...hehe.

Did yoga early. Great practice. But when I got home I felt horrid. So laid down for like 20 minutes and I'm right as rain. You know, the power of curling up in bed with my comfy blanket cannot be underestimated! That's part of being easier on me, harder on my addiction.

I want to read more about Rational Recovery. I've always kind of thought the concept of the AV to be strange. BUT cha know, I'm really trying to detach from my addiction this time (the zombie) and see how it really does have a mind of its own. I mean, I've always 'known' this, but I'm viewing it differently. I guess it is a bit like an AV....but its more than that. Its like a whole person that can hijack my thinking completely. Maybe I'm high or something but I am seeing that much of my negative thinking is simply NOT even based in reality....at all. Complete distortion of the facts. Duh right? But its just more clear to me than ever that I need to question pretty much all of my thinking....especially when it is about, um, me. Who I am, what I am, what I look like, what I'm capable of, how I'm perceived, how I perceive myself? Its like I need to stop every negative thought and ask myself 'ok where's THAT coming from and is it even remotely realistic?'. Anyway, thought for the day-Most of the time my thinking is distorted. Ok, got it.

Off to my favorite place, Home Depot for bark. And to check out the contractors that are always there during the week. Heehee. Sorry. Lonely old lady.

Have a great day...to anyone that's bored enough to be reading this

entropy1964

Thanks Saoutchik! Yeah, I know.....I try not to beat myself up. I'm actually kind of beyond beating myself up. It just is what it is. But I do have a healthy amount of fear that I will die from this, or worse, be a vegetable. I do NOT want that. I don't want the zombie to take over. And you're absolutely right, one day at a time...and I'm good with that. Progress, not perfection. Slow and steady wins the race.

I've been watching way too much Walking Dead. Didn't sleep a wink last night. But I can't ssstttoooopppp! Thanks for your kind encouragement. I really appreciate it.

Dee74

congrats on 2 weeks Frick

D

entropy1964

Thanks Dee. Day 14 coming to a close. Hope I sleep tonight!

Meraviglioso

Great stuff Frick, two weeks is really amazing, I know you have worked hard for it. Keep it up, you've got this.

entropy1964

Thank you Mera. I really appreciate the encouragement.

entropy1964

Day 15, sober island. Slept much much better last night. I think I forgot to take my seroquil the night before. Sucks that I'm so dependent on it for sleep and for PTSD, but that is what it is. I have tried to come off it and I definitely have issues if I do. Its not a drug that I abuse, at all. But I wish I didn't have to take it. Far better than drinking....no comparison. Its not mood altering at all.

Today I'll run, garden, clean house, apt at 1, then the kiddo comes home. She goes to her Dad's tonight so I'll go to an AA meeting at 5:30. Still haven't found 'that' meeting yet but I'll keep at it. There is a Smart Recovery meeting at the mental health community center (if one can call it that) I go to sometimes. Its a funny place....lots of nuts just hanging out. And its 'peer (nut) run' so everyone understands. I recommend to anyone who suffers from mental illness and feels like 'no one understands me' to find a place like this. If my city has it, my guess is most do. It can be rough....lots of homeless. But I'm no different....I just have a home. Mental illness is mental illness. Many are addicts as well. Homelessness is so alarming. It is interesting however how many homeless, that I've met, are being somewhat supported by their families. Cell phones and other niceties. The families just can't handle them so they help, but won't give them a place to live. I do get it. It just surprised me. I have been to a no cost detox facility a few times that also gets lots of homeless. It amazed me that they get cleaned up, sober...then they are handed a bus pass back to whatever bridge they lived under. So scary. I never really had to think about this stuff until I became an addict. Could happen to anyone. Could happen to me.

Its going to be a beautiful day! Maybe I'll get in a walk along the river too. I'm so lucky. I've managed not to decimate my physical life....and my soul is there. Just scared and exhausted. But breathing.

Have a great day.

2ndhandrose

Yay for day 15!!!

Very thoughtful post, thank you!

entropy1964

Thanks Rose. Yeah Day 15. I'm proud! Its not really the number of days per se but my thinking that I'm excited about...now to keep it this way.......

thomas11

It is refreshing to see someone empathize with mental illness and the homeless. Some of us don't realize how close we likely are to it.

fantail

I used to live in a city with a very large homeless population. When I was getting really bad with drinking or with depression, they noticed me more, would talk to me more, etc. I definitely felt like the line between my situation and theirs was very thin, and they could tell too. It was like the two cities lived on top of each other, mostly ignoring each other, but I was in an in between zone and even if the professional world didn't notice, the street world definitely did. The guy who lived on my block was really nice to me.

entropy1964

Thanks Fantail! I read your post last night but was too tired....or just blah, to post.

There are huge misconceptions about homeless people...or at least I had a misconception. Ya there is the 'hobo' thing out there....pushing the cart, been on the streets forever (although it doesn't take long to look like one has been on the streets forever) but many are people that have hit serious bad luck, are addicts, mentally ill, abused. Or all of the above.

There is a very fine line. They are human. They are smart. I have found addicts to be some of the smartest people I've come in contact with. And a recovering addict? Unstoppable. Anyway, its humbling.

entropy1964

Ok it is day 16. I thought it was 15. Ha! Bonus day! Slept like a rock...had a headache this AM but nothing good ole caffeine won't cure. I can drink 2 cups of 1/2 caffeine coffee in the morning but that's it. If I get a little edgy, that resolves because I always exercise in the AM...today it's yoga at 9:30...gonna clean the kitchen first. Wow Frick! That's exciting...you say with glee.

Ugh parenting. My poor kiddo. A little over a week left in her freshman year and she's so stressed. She drank a Mt. Dew (teacher gave it to her, dumb azz) and it made her so anxious. She was really melting down last night. Overwhelmed, crying. Her best friend is being a be-otch and its really getting to her. Does this sound familiar? Maybe not the details, but the feelings? The reactions? The thinking? She says she obsesses on thoughts...ohhhh noooo. Where DID she learn that crap? Uh, that would be me. It was like talking to an alcoholic. Take it slow, breath. Take a bath, eat. No sugar or caffeine. Be kind to yourself. Don't take what others say personally...their BS is their issue, not yours. One thing at a time, don't look at EVERYTHING at once. She is so hard on herself. She has 1 B right now and its freaking her out. But on the plus side....she slept great, is much more calm this AM and I'm taking her shopping this afternoon. It'll all be ok. I just get very concerned when I see this thinking. But she is well armed and educated regarding alcoholism. She attends Alateen enough...not all the time, but enough. Lordy lordy. As an alcoholic I do ALL of these things, make mts out of mole hills, get all wrapped up in things I can't control. Ugh.

Have a great day everyone.

thomas11

I really can't comment as we don't have children, BUT I sympathize with anyone with teenage girls. I've heard at times they can be a handful. Then again, I think its great and funny that you recognize where some of those traits came from!

entropy1964

Well as it goes, my daughter is a really good kid. She's just very emotional sometimes....she's so much like I am its crazy. Her friends can really be tough though....teenagers act like big toddlers...its so weird. Toddlers with hormones. Quite scary really. I hate to see her cry and hurt. All I can do is listen and be there. When she was a toddler I could fix it, put a band-aide on the boo boo. Now I just have to be there and let her figure it out. Ugh. Painful.

entropy1964

Day 17. All is well. No desires to drink at all so far....that'll come. But today is good. Its rainy and cool....love this weather. Love this time of year. Today is the usual stuff...have a Girl Scouts Teen Ambassadors award thingy tonight....ugh. But its fun watching my kid get an award. But being in a room full of teenage girls makes me a bit homicidal. Ok don't judge. I just have an inherent fear of large groups of women/girls. They scare me

Well time to vacuum then go to yoga. Best part of my day. Have a great day everyone.