I am utterly defeated
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Living by the list! I'm glad someone relates. I've got Mondays list ready and loaded....
I am not a spontaneous person....like at all. I guess because of my anxiety issues I need to know what is going to happen. I'm like a little kid that likes to read the same book over and over and over.
Guess the list is all part of that. Whatever works right?
I am not a spontaneous person....like at all. I guess because of my anxiety issues I need to know what is going to happen. I'm like a little kid that likes to read the same book over and over and over.
Guess the list is all part of that. Whatever works right?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Day 12. Yoga was great...much better than yesterday. I have to remember that just 12 days ago I was croaking in the hospital. Reminder to me: Easier on me, harder on my addiction. No self defeating thoughts.
I tell my students while preparing for class: Connect with your internal self. leave any and all thoughts that don't serve your practice outside the studio. I have to do that with my recovery. Anything that doesn't serve my healing needs to be laid to rest. Its so easy for me to let yesterday rule today. Totally fruitless and self defeating. And it feeds the zombie.
So its girlscouts today (ugh) then we're going to go see Captain America!
I'm very grateful!
I tell my students while preparing for class: Connect with your internal self. leave any and all thoughts that don't serve your practice outside the studio. I have to do that with my recovery. Anything that doesn't serve my healing needs to be laid to rest. Its so easy for me to let yesterday rule today. Totally fruitless and self defeating. And it feeds the zombie.
So its girlscouts today (ugh) then we're going to go see Captain America!
I'm very grateful!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: duluth georgia
Posts: 12
Day 1 . utterly defeated is exact where im at. I dont have many ppl so i post here today. Gonna go to the movies alone and quiet my brain and emotions. i think then a aa meeting at 6pm it says a 2 hour speaker will be there . hopefully this will kill some of this day off.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Welcome Fml. What movie did you see? My daughter lost interest in seeing a movie so we ate instead.....something I'm doing way too much of right now. Just ate my body weight in chocolate chips.....groan.
So how are you? Is this your first quit?
So how are you? Is this your first quit?
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: duluth georgia
Posts: 12
I only made it to aa meeting and waiting in my car for another one in 1 hr. I pushed everyone away . My girl ran off and said its done and she with another guy i found out. My And snapped friday and was my worst binge. Only vokda no food or water . Woke up crying. Alcohol is kicking my ass and i dont believe in god . No friends or family everyone left. Idk what to do but meetings is all i can think
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: duluth georgia
Posts: 12
I have to quit because im tired of disrespecting myself and destroying my body. Its a mind*****and im sad then angry then sad . Im sober and i hope it gets better tomorrow. I want to find a high power but not understand where to look.
Last edited by Dee74; 05-15-2016 at 07:19 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Well ya sound really down. But the bright side is you're attending meetings on day one.....that is awesome.
I can't say I'm the pro regarding a higher power. I simply have faith that there is something greater than I am out there. And I pray to that power to help guide me on a daily basis. To show me what my purpose is....because I know being a drunk isn't it. I try to focus on what I have control over (me and my reactions) and try not to let the other stuff get to me. It's work in progress for sure. And I have to practice patience with myself. If I do the right thing, generally things get better. Slowly sometimes but that's ok.
I'm sorry about your girl. I lost my partner because of my addiction as well (which ended up a blessing). I know now that there is no way for me to have an intimate relationship right now.....or in the foreseeable future. Yeah, that's lonely. But im a mess. Getting as healthy as possible in mind, spirit and body is priority 1. And that will take as long as it takes.
Hang in there. Stick around. You're doing great.
I can't say I'm the pro regarding a higher power. I simply have faith that there is something greater than I am out there. And I pray to that power to help guide me on a daily basis. To show me what my purpose is....because I know being a drunk isn't it. I try to focus on what I have control over (me and my reactions) and try not to let the other stuff get to me. It's work in progress for sure. And I have to practice patience with myself. If I do the right thing, generally things get better. Slowly sometimes but that's ok.
I'm sorry about your girl. I lost my partner because of my addiction as well (which ended up a blessing). I know now that there is no way for me to have an intimate relationship right now.....or in the foreseeable future. Yeah, that's lonely. But im a mess. Getting as healthy as possible in mind, spirit and body is priority 1. And that will take as long as it takes.
Hang in there. Stick around. You're doing great.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by fml1982 
I really feel better reading this flicka . I agree abt the blessing in disguise part and everything else
I think its Soberwolf that has the quote 'people come into our lives to teach us something about ourselves' on his/her (oops) moniker (I think that's the right word). So true. It helps me to think of loss in those terms. To know that if nothing else, I have an opportunity to learn.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
So day 13? Yeah, day 13. Monday, Monday. Daughter just left for school....poor kid has to get up so early. Its inhumane. Teenagers shouldn't even be functioning at 6am....its not normal. Oh well, that's the system. Only two more weeks for her....she's ready to kill all her friends so its time. They all need a break from each other. Starting to think of summer plans....it'll be nice.
Today I'll run, do housework...kind of the usual. I have carpet cleaners coming! Yay. My carpet is ancient and I have all this darn livestock in the house (canine and feline) so they get pretty gross. They'll look good for 2 days. Oh well. But at least I feel better! My last bender I didn't let the dogs out enough (they go out all the time....losers) and they peed a couple of times...poor guys. Certainly not their fault even if they can't hold their pee more than a few hours (again, losers). I always seem to end up with the weirdest, ugliest animals. Guess I relate to them. My cat is soooo mean. But I love him. He's mostly Maine Coon and they are just bad azz animals...kind of like Mountain Lions. I'm pretty sure he has serious identity confusion. If the dogs see someone on the street and start to bark, the cat will run with them, growl and kind of do this weird bark/meow that he's adopted. He's cat/dog. Hee hee. Funny kitty.
I was a little squirrely yesterday for a few hours. Its that 'ok, I'm feeling something, don't know what it is....stop, drop and roll'. I'm as emotionally intelligent as an earthworm. That's when my addiction comes in and say 'I can help with this you know'. I'm fine. But I hate that. Its like I have an itch in my gut that I can't scratch. There will be more and more of this, and I know that. Its all in how I cope. I also have to let go of the fear that this 'feeling' immediately produces. I don't even know its fear in the moment but I know it is. EVERYTHING IS OK. Nothing bad is going to happen. I am safe. I am fine. No one is going to hurt me. Ok I feel better.
Have a great day everyone.
Today I'll run, do housework...kind of the usual. I have carpet cleaners coming! Yay. My carpet is ancient and I have all this darn livestock in the house (canine and feline) so they get pretty gross. They'll look good for 2 days. Oh well. But at least I feel better! My last bender I didn't let the dogs out enough (they go out all the time....losers) and they peed a couple of times...poor guys. Certainly not their fault even if they can't hold their pee more than a few hours (again, losers). I always seem to end up with the weirdest, ugliest animals. Guess I relate to them. My cat is soooo mean. But I love him. He's mostly Maine Coon and they are just bad azz animals...kind of like Mountain Lions. I'm pretty sure he has serious identity confusion. If the dogs see someone on the street and start to bark, the cat will run with them, growl and kind of do this weird bark/meow that he's adopted. He's cat/dog. Hee hee. Funny kitty.
I was a little squirrely yesterday for a few hours. Its that 'ok, I'm feeling something, don't know what it is....stop, drop and roll'. I'm as emotionally intelligent as an earthworm. That's when my addiction comes in and say 'I can help with this you know'. I'm fine. But I hate that. Its like I have an itch in my gut that I can't scratch. There will be more and more of this, and I know that. Its all in how I cope. I also have to let go of the fear that this 'feeling' immediately produces. I don't even know its fear in the moment but I know it is. EVERYTHING IS OK. Nothing bad is going to happen. I am safe. I am fine. No one is going to hurt me. Ok I feel better.
Have a great day everyone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Thanks Ladyboo. Yeah I'm rolling. And things are really good. Emotional stuff will just happen and will increase over the next 6 months...then it usually slows down or levels out. Maybe its PAWS. Personally I think its just life without alcohol and my weak coping skills. Stuff that normal people just know is part of life and accept, I see as some ominous thing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
