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I am utterly defeated

Old 05-07-2016, 07:35 AM
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Thanks Seven
Yeah any day that is a sober day is a good day, no matter what else happens. Need to pull out my tool chest of coping skills, which are there, just dusty and forgotten. The way of drinking through emotions seems so much easier, in the moment.

I start my meetings on Monday. I've had trouble connecting in the city I live in but maybe I own that as opposed to the meetings. I have a different one for each day and am just going to keep going until I find one of two. I got lucky when I lived in Cali. I found a great meeting right out the shoot. But there are tons of meetings out there....they can't all be bad.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:38 AM
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Thanks Bob. It really is a black and white deal, due or die. And I cannot sway from that or think the hands of time will change. No matter how much sober time I am hopeful to get, by the grace of God, that dead end is always there. I don't find it depressing. I find it enlightening.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:48 AM
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So its the morning of day 4. Didn't sleep all that well. I could have but I was so darn hungry I kept getting up to eat. I don't recommend that! If you're sleeping, sleep! But I'm ok. I had such horrid vommiting (tmi) on my day 1 that my throat actually hurts....I think that its getting better. Kind of funny (in a sad way) story: I had been in hard detox for about 6 hours. I was alone, in my bedroom hoping I could just muscle through it. But when I started to hallucinate, or really have visual distortions, I knew it was time to call the medics. Well they were running late so they had my local fire dept come by. So here I am, looking like something not even the cat would drag in, gagging on my own stomach and these four completely GORGEOUS men come in. We have a calendar in our town that these guys put together to raise money. I've seen them all in it. As I'm retching, crying, they're all just staring at me. I asked them 'can ya turn around or something?'. No Maam, we have to keep an eye on you. Haha. God. But I was so happy they were there I didn't really care. But it would figure. Now I can actually buy the calendar and say, Oh I know Him.

I appreciate all the kind posts. I'm going to read here for a bit then start cleaning bathrooms. Just don't want to wake the teenager. And of course she sleeps with me so the master bath will have to wait.

Thanks Everyone.
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Old 05-07-2016, 08:01 AM
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hang in there, Fricka! you got this- you know what to do- now move forward & do it! one baby step at a time!! best wishes, hugs.....
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Old 05-07-2016, 01:37 PM
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Thanks boo. Right now I'm lounging in bed in my clean house eating blackberries and listening to AA pod casts. Been very tired so I'm going to take it easy. Normally I'd push myself so I'm going to try something different. Day 4 peaceful.
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Old 05-07-2016, 01:42 PM
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Spiritually, physically and emotionally bankrupt. The rapacious creditor king alcoholic had taken it all.

Slowly we crawl out of that desperate place - your pain is the way forward. Glad your here posting.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:16 PM
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Originally Posted by Fly N Buy View Post
Spiritually, physically and emotionally bankrupt. The rapacious creditor king alcoholic had taken it all.

Slowly we crawl out of that desperate place - your pain is the way forward. Glad your here posting.
I like that, my pain is my way forward. But I'd like it to stop soon too.

I am bankrupt.....but I can't wallow. Self pity will get me nowhere and fast. I have to take action....little by little....momentum will grow.

Thank you for your thoughtful words.
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Old 05-07-2016, 07:26 PM
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Well ending day 4. It's been a decent day....good as can be expected.

Did some housework, check. But pooped out around 2. I'm not pushing myself.....just going to do as much as I can each day and as my strength builds I'll be back at it. I have a habit of perfectionism (what? An alcoholic?) and I'm going to work on a lot more acceptance....in everything. Physical activity is soooo important to me and the biggest workout I've had in the last week was barfing. But it'll return (not the barfing). I'm going to practice patience. I may do my yoga in the morning at home, not the hot room....that'd kill me.

It's a little lonely tonight as my daughter is at a sleepover. She's been with me since I got out of the hospital. But we'll go out for lunch tomorrow for Mother's Day and hopefully will be with me until Wed. I'll have to a have solid plan for the two nights she's with dad.

Well nite. Thank you for all the support!
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:37 AM
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Day 5. Mothers Day. Darn these nails....I can barely type! Slept kinda meh. Got up and ate again at 3am....that has to stop. Feeling ok. Woke up feeling something like my former self of two weeks ago.

Its a gorgeous morning. We've had thunder storms the last two nights...which I love. Its so green and moist. Birds chirping away. But my dogs have a cow so I have to baby them like 2 yr olds. Goofy dogs.

I have no desire to drink, which isn't surprising. But if any thoughts creep in, and they will, I will squash them like a bug. Can't even let my 'AV' or me really even whisper the thoughts. Those thoughts grow and fester. Have my first AA meeting in a while tomorrow at 5:30pm. I have 1 more day left of my detox meds but I'm not going to take any today if possible....they make sluggish and I hate that feeling. Ironic!

Guess I'll try to do my yoga this AM. That should be interesting. Happy Mothers Day to everyone.
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Old 05-08-2016, 06:45 AM
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Just want to offer my support. Seems like your off to a good start.
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:02 AM
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Gorgeous firefighters?!?!? I thought that was an urban legend...

All jokes aside, I'm glad to see you posting and feeling better.

Remember it doesn't had to be like that ever again.

We are with you!
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:49 AM
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Thanks Ineedhelp. Things are ok. Attitude is everything for me. I'll get down at times for sure but changing the way I think about everything is the first part of recovering.
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Old 05-08-2016, 07:51 AM
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Thanks Nowsthetime. Nope, these guys are smoking hot. Crazy hot. And really good guys. When my husband died they helped me put in new fire alarms....got my dogs out of a locked bedroom (long story). They're the real deal good guys....and it doesn't hurt that they are hot. Maybe I'll start a fire today just to have them come over and say HI.
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Old 05-08-2016, 12:56 PM
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Glad you are doing better Frick. This last binge sounds like it was pretty scary, I really hope you can overcome your challenges. The way you described it, it really does sound like life or death. You were hallucinating?
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:18 PM
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Originally Posted by thomas11 View Post
Glad you are doing better Frick. This last binge sounds like it was pretty scary, I really hope you can overcome your challenges. The way you described it, it really does sound like life or death. You were hallucinating?
Thanks Thomas. I'm glad you are feeling a little better too. Family issues can hit nerves like nothing else.

All my binges over the past 1.5 years, since I fell off after having 2 years, have been scary. And right when I think, man this can't get any worse, it does.

Yes visual disturbances. I think when one is hallucinating one is delusional as well and doesn't realize the hallucinations aren't real. Or I could have that completely wrong. I was seeing some bizarre stuff, most of it kind of interesting. But I knew it wasn't real so I just kind of watched it go by. And if I watched tv/ipad they were kind enough to leave me alone. Strange sleep on Wed night for sure. Nothing scary just very creative...kind of autumn woodsie, lord of the rings type stuff. I kept thinking "this can't really be coming from my brain. What's in this thing?". So I wasn't scared of the actual visions....but the fact that my brain was so screwed up it was doing it. If that makes any sense?

I looked briefly into why a detoxing alchie can have these kinds of visions but didn't get much more than 'they happen'. Not How they happen....
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Old 05-08-2016, 01:40 PM
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I'm sending you hugs Frickaflip
x
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Old 05-08-2016, 02:06 PM
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Thank you OF. Hope you're having a good day.
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Old 05-08-2016, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
Thanks SW. Gonna work on my plan more this AM. I was sober for a couple years a couple years ago. One of the things I did, so simple, was plan each day, the whole day (right now to 'sit down, watch TV). I'm going to start that again. Just plan each moment of each day (include my AA meetings) down to bedtime. I throw in my AA meetings, yoga and journal writing time. Keeps me very focused. I can't wait until I'm feeling physically stronger. Very weak at the moment.
I'm rooting for you , feeling rubbish too here but we will be ok .
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Old 05-08-2016, 05:23 PM
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I'm rooting for you too Thomas59. I hope you're starting your day 1! And you have drugs so that's cool....just don't drink with those...that's a bad thing. Keep me posted on how you're doing.
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Old 05-08-2016, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 View Post
I am exhausted physically and emotionally. Spiritually devoid. I am too tired to write much but just needed to put this out there. Finishing day 3 after an awful 5 day bender. Day 3 dry that is, if that wasn't clear.

I'm at that crossroads between living and drying. I choose to live.....I can absolutely never drink again. Ever. Or I will be dead. Period.

Where there is breath there is hope. Thanks for being here guys.
A very low point and feeling completely hopeless can be a good place to start your new life. Everyone who has gotten sober was once where you are. Drinking brings about those negative thoughts, and breaking the cycle initially can be tough.

Stick around this board, take the advice that makes sense to you. There is a way out.
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