I am utterly defeated
 

I am exhausted physically and emotionally. Spiritually devoid. I am too tired to write much but just needed to put this out there. Finishing day 3 after an awful 5 day bender. Day 3 dry that is, if that wasn't clear.

I'm at that crossroads between living and drying. I choose to live.....I can absolutely never drink again. Ever. Or I will be dead. Period.

Where there is breath there is hope. Thanks for being here guys.

Welcome back Frick :)

However badly you feel right now, feeling utterly defeated was the starting point fopr me. I knew without doubt drinking doid not work for me, so I was forced to look at other options :)

it's probably a good time to start thinking recovery plans?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ry-plans.html\

you never have to feel this way again :)

D

Utter defeat is a great place to start building a better life, Frickaflip233. Stick close, you can do this. We all can do this!

Thanks so much Dee. Yes, I feel like maybe being this deep in a hole will be my starting point. Didn't realize I could go any deeper.....what scares me is I'm going insane. My body is healthy....it's my mind, or my grip on myself that is teetering. I don't understand anything right now. I'm loosing touch. I always worried about my liver, pancreas etc.....while important, it's going nuts that scares me.

Nothing happened.....nothing physical that is. Sat in my house and went bat poop crazy. This kind of episode has happened 4 times, each with increasing intensity.

I do have a plan. And it's from the heart and gut.....in the sense that I'm going to eat it for breakfast everyday. I'll share more in hopes of getting inputs when I'm stronger. I'm usually a bit manic when detoxing. This time I'm just beat.

I remember thinking I was losing my mind too - it came back :)
First step is stopping drinking, then staying stopped :)

you can do this :)

Thanks Casey. I think you're right....the only farther down I can go is suicide.....and I'm not going to do that. I think I understand that whole 'spiritual malady' now.

Frick, I'm really glad you're here and okay.

I definitely remember feeling like I was losing my mind. It was a horrible feeling. But, you're here now and you don't need to go down any further.

We have all been there and I know it is hard but keep fighting! The days will get better and better and you NEVER have to feel this way ever again if you choose to follow your recovery plan and never look back.

Do you have people to reach out to? Counseling has always helped me a lot. It took a long time for us to get to where we were in our addictions, getting healthy takes time also.

Nothing happens over night, but you are strong and you can do this!

Thanks Anna. I refuse to loose this fight.....I'm not going to be a statistic.

I have everything to live for.

Thanks Adeline. I've been in therapy for years. I'm going to get very involved in AA again. I think the main problem? Just wanted to keep drinking. But this will evolve and grow.

Thank you for your kind post.

Hi Frick,

Glad you are back!!! Hope you start feeling better soon.:-)

Hey Frick, so glad to hear you are going to fight. You have inspired me in my journey.

I understand that feeling so well. My body was giving me trouble for years but last spring my mind went and that's a whole different kind of frightening. So glad you're back and safe.

Congratulations on day 3 bud

Hold tight Frick. I am in the middle of losing everything due to my drinking. The only thing I have left is the will......to NOT take another drink, for if I do it will be the end.

It's getting better little bits at a time. Get to a real meeting. Surround yourself with as much support as possible. Hang out here as you do.

I wish you well on your path.....

Thanks Deliah (hope I got that right). Its Saturday am, day 4. Not quite sure how I'll feel today but I'm giving myself another stay home day. Biggest hurdle I have is vacuuming and cleaning the bathrooms! Hope I can handle that!

Hi Thomas, thank you. I 'know' a lot of 'stuff' about recovery...but I keep relapsing so basically I don't 'know' Jack. I'm starting with a clean slate. If I'm thinking it, its probably wrong. I'm going to work on breaking down 'self'. Learning a whole new way of dealing with everything. But its all one day at a time, one step at a time. Its day 4.

Thanks Fantail. Yeah I spent so long worrying about my liver and such. Turns out mine is apparently made of asbestos or something. I look at my father, who is mental jello. That can't be me. And I just want to be free of carry around this burden....I know I can' be free of my condition, but I can stop actively carrying around the pain, regret and fear it brings. I want to just live. Its like a heavy weight.....I'm going to drop it and float back up.

Thanks SW. Gonna work on my plan more this AM. I was sober for a couple years a couple years ago. One of the things I did, so simple, was plan each day, the whole day (right now to 'sit down, watch TV). I'm going to start that again. Just plan each moment of each day (include my AA meetings) down to bedtime. I throw in my AA meetings, yoga and journal writing time. Keeps me very focused. I can't wait until I'm feeling physically stronger. Very weak at the moment.

You remind me of me in my past.
That is the exact same place that I got to the last two times out.
Yes, two times -- very slow learned here.
But, once we make that firm decision to not drink again.
All gets better with some sober time under our belts.
Good luck.
Bob