The worst worst ever
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: liverpool uk
Posts: 198
just seen this. . . . . .. look after your husband and kids, your house, and your wellbeing.
3 little words for you. . . . . ."**** the neighbours"-you don't live their life-and they don't live yours..................one thing though-behave around other men !
3 little words for you. . . . . ."**** the neighbours"-you don't live their life-and they don't live yours..................one thing though-behave around other men !
Last edited by Dee74; 12-02-2015 at 01:43 PM.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Take joy in your kids. Your husband will come to the point where he is ready to talk. Unfortunately the biggest thing that will help is time, the one thing you can't do anything about. Just do what you can right now, which, most importantly, is to prove you mean business by staying sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Hi, got through evening... made small talk about news and shopping etc... it's a little bit of progress but we need to talk about the big issue... my behaviour and my alcohol problems. ... I know he had 3 beers on Tuesday when I was in oxford. I dint mind but I don't hink he can see the depth of my problem... or maybe doesn't want the cosy mask of drinking buddies and all sorts well to fall away and reveal raw problems. He is a man , and thinks and behaves and responds differently to me these days. Not sure we actually talk about us. ...but I'm also not sure another sweep under the carpet will be good for me and the future.
For anyone that is just I interested in will keep posting... it really helps me... thanks to all for listening. ...😊
For anyone that is just I interested in will keep posting... it really helps me... thanks to all for listening. ...😊
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Allowing some time to pass to soften things for him a bit
and for you to get more established in sobriety doesn't
mean you have to "brush things under the carpet" down the road.
At the moment, you are walking on eggshells and fragile in temptation.
Your AV was telling you to drink just yesterday.
Having the "big discussion" in the next few days would be pretty triggering.
I suggest waiting until he is ready, and meanwhile keep working on your sober plan
and "walking the walk" of sobriety.
Mentally, your head will start to clear and the anxiety will get better.
You will also be demonstrating that you are serious and willing to work for change.
That's a much better place to be when you have that tough talk.
Hang in there and do keep posting
We care about you
and for you to get more established in sobriety doesn't
mean you have to "brush things under the carpet" down the road.
At the moment, you are walking on eggshells and fragile in temptation.
Your AV was telling you to drink just yesterday.
Having the "big discussion" in the next few days would be pretty triggering.
I suggest waiting until he is ready, and meanwhile keep working on your sober plan
and "walking the walk" of sobriety.
Mentally, your head will start to clear and the anxiety will get better.
You will also be demonstrating that you are serious and willing to work for change.
That's a much better place to be when you have that tough talk.
Hang in there and do keep posting
We care about you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
9 days today, yee ha!!! We have crawled through the week, he got me a lovely gift one of his students had made on Thursday, I think that was the nod to reconciliation, since then everything has been normalish between us. No conversation about anything though....
I was really anxious and depressed and stressed yesterday, then he came home and drank beer infront of me... but I didn't cave. I was strong.
I had a massive panic attack in the night, crying and freaking out in bed thinking of the impossible amount of work I have to do this coming week. I jut wanted to run/hide/die... but I thought about it, and found an inner core of strength somewhere... so I got up, made a list and have been working all morning to sort out the week ahead.
I need to heal me. And I am going to darn well give it my best... just gotto stop wondering and thinking about all the might haves, wish haves, fantasys and grapple with reality. Off I go.... with coffee and hope!
Enfin the change.... xx
I was really anxious and depressed and stressed yesterday, then he came home and drank beer infront of me... but I didn't cave. I was strong.
I had a massive panic attack in the night, crying and freaking out in bed thinking of the impossible amount of work I have to do this coming week. I jut wanted to run/hide/die... but I thought about it, and found an inner core of strength somewhere... so I got up, made a list and have been working all morning to sort out the week ahead.
I need to heal me. And I am going to darn well give it my best... just gotto stop wondering and thinking about all the might haves, wish haves, fantasys and grapple with reality. Off I go.... with coffee and hope!
Enfin the change.... xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Well done Enfin, sounds like you're taking very sensible steps. "To do" lists really help to keep the things you need to do from feeling overwhelming. And being able to tick them off, one at a time, for me at least gives a real sense of accomplishment.
The longer you stay sober, the easier it will be. Just be sure to keep on top of that as your top priority. Have a plan for every situation. Figure out what your triggers are and how you can either avoid them or work through them. Coming on here, posting, reading your early posts to see why you're doing this can really help.
Keep going, you're doing great!
The longer you stay sober, the easier it will be. Just be sure to keep on top of that as your top priority. Have a plan for every situation. Figure out what your triggers are and how you can either avoid them or work through them. Coming on here, posting, reading your early posts to see why you're doing this can really help.
Keep going, you're doing great!
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,527
That's the way to do, Enfin, and believe that you can get through this.
Try to not focus on your husband's drinking, but instead, keep in mind what you want and need for your life. You're doing the right thing, and good for you on Day 9!
Try to not focus on your husband's drinking, but instead, keep in mind what you want and need for your life. You're doing the right thing, and good for you on Day 9!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
We spoke at length today... it helped... I realise how he tries too, and how I hurt him... but we'll see how it change. .. we both do love each other. ... but it needs to grow again, not stagnate... and I need to be sober!!! I think I was being too hard on him to justify my own freaking out.... poor guy having to deal with me from 20 years!
Still not drinking. .. but as feel happier it is more tempting !!! I'm. Not though nonononononononono nnnnnooooo!!!
Still not drinking. .. but as feel happier it is more tempting !!! I'm. Not though nonononononononono nnnnnooooo!!!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
enfin, the crazy spinny brain is going to relax and be less bothersome with some sober time. All the manic energy and worry and fear is going to go away. You are in healing mode. You are recovering from a serious illness and your brain and nervous system is not well yet.
Give it time, understand that this is a fragile time, and don't push too much - just concentrate on not picking up a drink, healthy food, sleep, water, self-care right now.
Well done! You can do this.
Give it time, understand that this is a fragile time, and don't push too much - just concentrate on not picking up a drink, healthy food, sleep, water, self-care right now.
Well done! You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: SE Arizona
Posts: 1,099
Originally Posted by enfinthechange 
Don't think I've ever done anything for myself , u less it's harm .... I'm pretty worthless overall. Being nice and kind and helping people was all I had, faking that I was a nice person. ...
Now I'm not even that. Sober is going to be tough... where do u hide???
Now I'm not even that. Sober is going to be tough... where do u hide???
You are actually hiding when you drink, when you are sober you are living life warts and all. The warts are there all the time though, you just don't notice them when you are legless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by Cascabel
"Being nice and kind and helping people" is not being "worthless". Mother Theresa was nice and kind and she helped people and she was far from worthless. You can't fake real kindness. Give yourself some credit!
You are actually hiding when you drink, when you are sober you are living life warts and all. The warts are there all the time though, you just don't notice them when you are legless.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
You will be amazed at how much will change for the better with continued sobriety enfin.
The thing is, the further you get from the drama, and the more things get back to "normal"
the more your AV voice is going to tell you that "one drink won't hurt"
or "you really don't have a problem after all" and other such tripe.
This is, as Ann said, the most fragile time.
Your husband is still drinking at home.
Mine does too and sometimes that is really hard, but you need to find
a positive response to deal with it instead of feeling deprived and sorry for yourself.
As you found with your to do list, things can be reacted to proactively, or the
way we've always done it, by numbing the worry in the bottle.
Learning to be sober is about far more than fixing your marriage.
It's great things are improving so much, but this is actually a time to be wary
and step up the tools you are using to stay sober.
I agree with the poster who suggested you print and read your first posts
anytime you think it is OK to have a drink. We forget that pain too fast.
You can do this, and it will get better and better, but there is much work ahead
The thing is, the further you get from the drama, and the more things get back to "normal"
the more your AV voice is going to tell you that "one drink won't hurt"
or "you really don't have a problem after all" and other such tripe.
This is, as Ann said, the most fragile time.
Your husband is still drinking at home.
Mine does too and sometimes that is really hard, but you need to find
a positive response to deal with it instead of feeling deprived and sorry for yourself.
As you found with your to do list, things can be reacted to proactively, or the
way we've always done it, by numbing the worry in the bottle.
Learning to be sober is about far more than fixing your marriage.
It's great things are improving so much, but this is actually a time to be wary
and step up the tools you are using to stay sober.
I agree with the poster who suggested you print and read your first posts
anytime you think it is OK to have a drink. We forget that pain too fast.
You can do this, and it will get better and better, but there is much work ahead
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
You will be amazed at how much will change for the better with continued sobriety enfin.
The thing is, the further you get from the drama, and the more things get back to "normal"
the more your AV voice is going to tell you that "one drink won't hurt"
or "you really don't have a problem after all" and other such tripe.
This is, as Ann said, the most fragile time.
Your husband is still drinking at home.
Mine does too and sometimes that is really hard, but you need to find
a positive response to deal with it instead of feeling deprived and sorry for yourself.
As you found with your to do list, things can be reacted to proactively, or the
way we've always done it, by numbing the worry in the bottle.
Learning to be sober is about far more than fixing your marriage.
It's great things are improving so much, but this is actually a time to be wary
and step up the tools you are using to stay sober.
I agree with the poster who suggested you print and read your first posts
anytime you think it is OK to have a drink. We forget that pain too fast.
You can do this, and it will get better and better, but there is much work ahead
The thing is, the further you get from the drama, and the more things get back to "normal"
the more your AV voice is going to tell you that "one drink won't hurt"
or "you really don't have a problem after all" and other such tripe.
This is, as Ann said, the most fragile time.
Your husband is still drinking at home.
Mine does too and sometimes that is really hard, but you need to find
a positive response to deal with it instead of feeling deprived and sorry for yourself.
As you found with your to do list, things can be reacted to proactively, or the
way we've always done it, by numbing the worry in the bottle.
Learning to be sober is about far more than fixing your marriage.
It's great things are improving so much, but this is actually a time to be wary
and step up the tools you are using to stay sober.
I agree with the poster who suggested you print and read your first posts
anytime you think it is OK to have a drink. We forget that pain too fast.
You can do this, and it will get better and better, but there is much work ahead
Thanks guys xxx
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