The worst worst ever
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
The worst worst ever
Hello, Ive been away from here, and drinking lots and now I have reached a new low, a crushing, gut wrenching new low of alcohol fuelled crapness... I deliberately went out to the pub and deliberately let myself be chatted up by a younger bloke who I knew fancied me, then 'got off' with him in a dark alley... I was so drunk... I am married with 2 gorgeous, innocent, beautiful young kids.... and a husband who now hates me.... I can see no way out f this one.... I truly wish I didn't exist.....
I have thought that my marriage wasn't going too well, too much work, not enough time together, and was feeling vulnerable and wanted to feel wanted... alcohol gave me the stupidity to act on this foolish feeling. And now my life is over. People saw us. People know. He lives up the road....
I have never felt such despair.... and all thanks to lovely alcohol. Ruining lives for generations.
Can anyone spare me some pity? some advice? anything....
Sorry for the negativity... I have already rung Samaritans. Now I need to face this demon.....
So sorry to have let you all down too... what a mess...
I have thought that my marriage wasn't going too well, too much work, not enough time together, and was feeling vulnerable and wanted to feel wanted... alcohol gave me the stupidity to act on this foolish feeling. And now my life is over. People saw us. People know. He lives up the road....
I have never felt such despair.... and all thanks to lovely alcohol. Ruining lives for generations.
Can anyone spare me some pity? some advice? anything....
Sorry for the negativity... I have already rung Samaritans. Now I need to face this demon.....
So sorry to have let you all down too... what a mess...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Thank you, but I have let down those I love the most. How could I do that to them? I have literally ruined my family. My husband will probably never ever get over this.... I am an unfaithful wife... and a drunk.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
I am going to rattle on as I have no one to talk to, but I feel if I don't let it out it will kill me... I cant believe as an adult, a mother I could be so irresponsible and damaging to my family.... I hate myself so much. I just want to rip off my own skin.... I have ruined everything that I have tried so hard to build...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
I guess nobody is about or can stand my wallowing in self ppity and despicable actions... I HATE this... I hate hate hate it.. I hate me I hate alcohol I hate life... I don't think I can come back from this one....
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
I'm really sorry enfin.
I think the only way back from this is day by day...stop drinking, commit totally to recovery and try and make amends best you can.
I was the neighbourhood drunk. Mums used to shoo their kids out of my way. If I can come back from that, you have an excellent chance of coming back from this, I think
Theres not any of us here who can throw stones.
I did a lot of silly selfish abhorrent and self destructive things as a drinker...but that wasn't a true reflection of who I was.
I don't believe drink shows our true selves - it shows a debased twisted version of ourselves.
Who I am is reflected far more accurately in the sober me, and I'm absolutely positive that's the same for you too
D
I think the only way back from this is day by day...stop drinking, commit totally to recovery and try and make amends best you can.
I was the neighbourhood drunk. Mums used to shoo their kids out of my way. If I can come back from that, you have an excellent chance of coming back from this, I think
Theres not any of us here who can throw stones.
I did a lot of silly selfish abhorrent and self destructive things as a drinker...but that wasn't a true reflection of who I was.
I don't believe drink shows our true selves - it shows a debased twisted version of ourselves.
Who I am is reflected far more accurately in the sober me, and I'm absolutely positive that's the same for you too
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
First, you are going to survive this. You WILL get through this. Right now it feels impossible, but this too shall pass. I am here, listening and I am typing more, but I want to post this now so you know you are being heard.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi enfin - if you're really feeling low I hope you'll call the Samaritans again.
It's not going to be easy - but it is absolutely possible to put back together the pieces of your life.
Lean on the support here.
D
It's not going to be easy - but it is absolutely possible to put back together the pieces of your life.
Lean on the support here.
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
What happened IS terrible. It is. You know this. You behaved recklessly because of your addiction and the influence of alcohol. But I want you to look deeper at what is going on here. it is entirely possible that you did this because you are unhappy in your marriage and you wanted to feel wanted. I can relate to those feelings. However, I think a key to getting out of this mess is not deflecting the "blame" for what happened to reasons outside of yourself.
I know that as a drunk I had practically zero self esteem. It is true that I wasn't always valued by those that surrounded me, but most importantly I did not value myself. I searched for acceptance, love, comfort, attention as a way to fill a hole inside of me that I was creating by drinking. Drinking, drinking, drinking myself into a depressive state, drinking myself into a woman I was not proud of and not happy to be. It sounds trite and "self-help-y" but it really is true, if you don't love yourself no amount of love from others is going to fill that hole inside you.
So why don't you love yourself? My guess would be because you, like me, have become a woman you are not proud of due to your excessive drinking. The good news is there is a solution for that- not drinking. Will it be easy? No. Will it happen overnight? No. But I can assure you that if you start to take small steps to be a better person, to be the wife and mother you want to be, to be a woman you are proud of and who can hold her head up high each day, it will come.
Now for the logistics of getting through the coming weeks with your husband and apparently various locals who saw this. It is what it is. You did it, they know, now you have to deal with it. I have found that the very best way to deal with this is honesty. When your husband is ready to talk, listen. Answer his questions honestly and clearly. Try to hold yourself together. Your shame will make you want to cry and beg, but let this conversation be about helping your husband to heal. He is probably going to say some mean things out of anger. I think it is important you let him get that out. Be prepared to offer some concrete plans on how you will be addressing this problem. What steps you will take to ensure you do not drink, what you will do if you feel tempted, what you will do if you slip up and drink.
As for the people about town, yes, there will always be local gossip. But rest assured that something else will come along to capture their attention soon enough. My mom always told me (in a caring way) "do you really think you are so important that everyone spends all of their time thinking and talking about YOU?"
If directly questioned about it (unlikely) you can just be honest "yes, I did make a terrible mistake, one for which no amount of guilt heaped on by outsiders will make me feel any worse about therefore I'd rather not talk about it and just try to move forward" Fake it until you make it with confidence.
At home, do things each day that make you feel good about providing for your family. Read a story with your kids. Make a nice meal for your family. Clean the house. Let your husband sleep in on his day off and take the kids for a walk. And remember, do this for YOU, not just for them. Do things that will make you feel like you provided for the ones you love to the best of your ability.
You made a mistake, a big one, but your entire life will not and should not be defined by this one mistake. You will get through this, but only if you do not drink to try and deal with it.
Sending you a big, big hug.
I know that as a drunk I had practically zero self esteem. It is true that I wasn't always valued by those that surrounded me, but most importantly I did not value myself. I searched for acceptance, love, comfort, attention as a way to fill a hole inside of me that I was creating by drinking. Drinking, drinking, drinking myself into a depressive state, drinking myself into a woman I was not proud of and not happy to be. It sounds trite and "self-help-y" but it really is true, if you don't love yourself no amount of love from others is going to fill that hole inside you.
So why don't you love yourself? My guess would be because you, like me, have become a woman you are not proud of due to your excessive drinking. The good news is there is a solution for that- not drinking. Will it be easy? No. Will it happen overnight? No. But I can assure you that if you start to take small steps to be a better person, to be the wife and mother you want to be, to be a woman you are proud of and who can hold her head up high each day, it will come.
Now for the logistics of getting through the coming weeks with your husband and apparently various locals who saw this. It is what it is. You did it, they know, now you have to deal with it. I have found that the very best way to deal with this is honesty. When your husband is ready to talk, listen. Answer his questions honestly and clearly. Try to hold yourself together. Your shame will make you want to cry and beg, but let this conversation be about helping your husband to heal. He is probably going to say some mean things out of anger. I think it is important you let him get that out. Be prepared to offer some concrete plans on how you will be addressing this problem. What steps you will take to ensure you do not drink, what you will do if you feel tempted, what you will do if you slip up and drink.
As for the people about town, yes, there will always be local gossip. But rest assured that something else will come along to capture their attention soon enough. My mom always told me (in a caring way) "do you really think you are so important that everyone spends all of their time thinking and talking about YOU?"
If directly questioned about it (unlikely) you can just be honest "yes, I did make a terrible mistake, one for which no amount of guilt heaped on by outsiders will make me feel any worse about therefore I'd rather not talk about it and just try to move forward" Fake it until you make it with confidence.
At home, do things each day that make you feel good about providing for your family. Read a story with your kids. Make a nice meal for your family. Clean the house. Let your husband sleep in on his day off and take the kids for a walk. And remember, do this for YOU, not just for them. Do things that will make you feel like you provided for the ones you love to the best of your ability.
You made a mistake, a big one, but your entire life will not and should not be defined by this one mistake. You will get through this, but only if you do not drink to try and deal with it.
Sending you a big, big hug.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi efin, nothing is going to get right until you stop drinking. You know this, yet you have focussed on your shame without saying anything about recovery.
Are you motivated to become sober? Truthfully? How about going to rehab or enrolling in a program?
You can apologise all you want to your husband but it won't mean a thing unless you really focus on sobriety. That will show him you are sincere. You might be tempted to 'white knuckle' but it's unlikely to be effective for long. Try to find support like AA or another program and give yourself the best chance to succeed. Cheating aside, it can't be good for your family if you're down at your local in the evening instead of spending time with them.
I hope this leads to recovery for you. Stay around SR for support.
Are you motivated to become sober? Truthfully? How about going to rehab or enrolling in a program?
You can apologise all you want to your husband but it won't mean a thing unless you really focus on sobriety. That will show him you are sincere. You might be tempted to 'white knuckle' but it's unlikely to be effective for long. Try to find support like AA or another program and give yourself the best chance to succeed. Cheating aside, it can't be good for your family if you're down at your local in the evening instead of spending time with them.
I hope this leads to recovery for you. Stay around SR for support.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,234
When I entered recovery via a family
intervention, I, too, similar to you and
others, married, 2 beautiful, awesome
kids, realized and learned that my
situation was not unique.
What a relief to know I wasn't the only
one in my addiction that was unfaithful,
lieing, cheating, living a double life as
a mom, wife, then the lady of the night.
February 1990 I was on my way home
from a club, less than a mile away, I
ran off the road into some construction
hitting a concrete culvert sitting ontop
the ground around 2am.
EMS was called as I don't remember my
one and only ride in one, taken to the
hospital with 2 surgeries to remove
my punctured spleen and remove fluid
in one of my lungs so I would die.
At that time I was to begin a new
job in a preschool center as an aide,
so many people were depending
on me. Then to tell them I had been
in an accident and couldn't work.
Of course they didn't know the
details of my accident, my drinking,
etc. And to think they put their trust
in me for this job and kids.
I healed almost perfectly and come
Aug. 1990, I was right back where I
was previously. In the same club,
coming home the same time, to another
argument and this time on a dare I
decided to try and end my failure of
a wife, mom and unable to control
my drinking.
So I down a hand full of Nuprin and
a few left over pills from my accident
with the intent of not waking in the
morning.
My 2 little ones tried to wake me
with no success to take them to their
last fun filled day at vacation bible
school. Then in a distant I heard the
phone ringing which was right next
to my bed.
I answered with slurred voice as my
mother in law was looking for us at
the church as she began screaming
at me to get up. So I hung up and staggered
to the bathroom to throwup what was
in my system.
Before I knew it, I had 2 officers in my
home ready to escort me to their car
after a failed attempt of my husband
to take me to the hospital to get my
stomach pumped.
I swore to all them that I was fine
but because I attempted to harm
myself they had to take me to the
hospital for mental evaluation on
a court order.
The next first full day without alcohol
in my system would become my sobriety
date. 8-11-90 which still hold today some
25 yrs of many one days at a time sober
incorporating tools and knowledge of an
effective program of recovery in all my affairs.
With openmindedness, willingness and
continueing to work on honesty in my
marriage, being careful to to hurt another,
I prayed for guidance and a ticket to leave
and return to my hometown.
Yes, many miracles have happened
in my recovery life and one of them
was to exit my 25 marriage peacefully
with kids grown, college degreed and
living their own awesome lives.
My husband helped me move and
get me settled with my new job
before we ended our marriage
peacefully.
Learning to be completely honest
with others is important in recovery
but to do so in a way that we don't
cause harm to another. To take responsibility
for my own acitions and learn not to
repeat them is also important.
Im happily remarried living in a
wonderful place, sober, retired
healthy, happy and completely
honest in all my affairs .
That is one awesome gift in recovery
I absolutely treasure and hold close
to my heart. No shame, no remorse,
no guilt today.
intervention, I, too, similar to you and
others, married, 2 beautiful, awesome
kids, realized and learned that my
situation was not unique.
What a relief to know I wasn't the only
one in my addiction that was unfaithful,
lieing, cheating, living a double life as
a mom, wife, then the lady of the night.
February 1990 I was on my way home
from a club, less than a mile away, I
ran off the road into some construction
hitting a concrete culvert sitting ontop
the ground around 2am.
EMS was called as I don't remember my
one and only ride in one, taken to the
hospital with 2 surgeries to remove
my punctured spleen and remove fluid
in one of my lungs so I would die.
At that time I was to begin a new
job in a preschool center as an aide,
so many people were depending
on me. Then to tell them I had been
in an accident and couldn't work.
Of course they didn't know the
details of my accident, my drinking,
etc. And to think they put their trust
in me for this job and kids.
I healed almost perfectly and come
Aug. 1990, I was right back where I
was previously. In the same club,
coming home the same time, to another
argument and this time on a dare I
decided to try and end my failure of
a wife, mom and unable to control
my drinking.
So I down a hand full of Nuprin and
a few left over pills from my accident
with the intent of not waking in the
morning.
My 2 little ones tried to wake me
with no success to take them to their
last fun filled day at vacation bible
school. Then in a distant I heard the
phone ringing which was right next
to my bed.
I answered with slurred voice as my
mother in law was looking for us at
the church as she began screaming
at me to get up. So I hung up and staggered
to the bathroom to throwup what was
in my system.
Before I knew it, I had 2 officers in my
home ready to escort me to their car
after a failed attempt of my husband
to take me to the hospital to get my
stomach pumped.
I swore to all them that I was fine
but because I attempted to harm
myself they had to take me to the
hospital for mental evaluation on
a court order.
The next first full day without alcohol
in my system would become my sobriety
date. 8-11-90 which still hold today some
25 yrs of many one days at a time sober
incorporating tools and knowledge of an
effective program of recovery in all my affairs.
With openmindedness, willingness and
continueing to work on honesty in my
marriage, being careful to to hurt another,
I prayed for guidance and a ticket to leave
and return to my hometown.
Yes, many miracles have happened
in my recovery life and one of them
was to exit my 25 marriage peacefully
with kids grown, college degreed and
living their own awesome lives.
My husband helped me move and
get me settled with my new job
before we ended our marriage
peacefully.
Learning to be completely honest
with others is important in recovery
but to do so in a way that we don't
cause harm to another. To take responsibility
for my own acitions and learn not to
repeat them is also important.
Im happily remarried living in a
wonderful place, sober, retired
healthy, happy and completely
honest in all my affairs .
That is one awesome gift in recovery
I absolutely treasure and hold close
to my heart. No shame, no remorse,
no guilt today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
I really hope that posting the following does not come across as trivial. I have often found that going directly through my emotions, instead of avoiding them, helps. When I was very down I used to listen to this song and just cry. Now, slowly working myself out of the darkness of alcohol abuse I can say with certainty, NO, you will not always feel this way.
Member
Join Date: May 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 1,042
Welcome back, bless you going through this, it does sound pretty bad for you right now. But as Dee so wisely pointed out, there's nobody here going to throw stones, use SR, we've most of us done things and then hated ourselves for it and not seen the way forward. Getting sober needs to be the aim now so you're never in this situation again, or worse.
Be well and face forwards with courage.
xx
Be well and face forwards with courage.
xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Thank you all so much.... I have never felt so bad, but at least now I have hope. He may decide the throw me out, and who would blame him....... it's a disaster...but I hope to stop drinking and never screw it up again..... maybe if I show him how much I love him, he might want me again eventually. This is hell. I'm going to the docs on Monday to seek help
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
