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Old 11-29-2015, 02:20 AM
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Most of drink excessively because we're in pain to begin with. We stuff our feelings, don't talk to our partners, sometimes we've put up with abuse, and bad relationships, etc. But you gotta start somewhere, and that's with the booze.

Quit the booze and you can start to sort out the other stuff. Plus, it shows you've acknowledged that there's a problem, and you're willing to work on it. Who knows what will happen with your relationship? Whatever you do, don't stay in it just out of guilt - I've made that mistake.
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Old 11-29-2015, 02:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Determined82 View Post
Hey Enfin
Wanted to reach out and introduce myself.
I'm Emily and I too am on day 2 of my recovery!
Like you I'm still reeling in the catastrophe that was Friday night but am absolutely determined in my resolve to knock my addiction on the head! (My main problem being Cocaine).
Please believe me when I tell you that like you I have committed some epic eff ups whilst under the influence. Luckily all has been forgiven and I'm grateful that me and my husband can work on our recovery with a clean slate (he is also an addict of many sorts). Hopefully your husband will forgive you too... In time. Time is a great healer and the fact that you didn't sleep with this guy will help! You said your husband drinks too? Does he want/ need to quit? It will probably be easier if he does and will be something you can do together which may help rebuild your relationship.

So I wish you all the best and will follow your quest. Bring on day 3 for us both. We can do this x
I just think I have broken it beyond repair...we have been together 20 years and somethings not quite right. ...he thinks everything is fine... but I've not felt right for ages... something I need I'm jot getting? Affection maybe, love, lust, respect? ??? I find it hard to know my own mind, I'm always wrong anyway.... we drink together coz we always have... it makes us have fun, so we think. .. if we don't have a nasty argument. I mostly goto bed alone as he's watching TV more, often cry myself to sleep with frustration. ... he knows that too.

A few weeks ago at a family do his brother and wife asked me why I always defer to my husband and always ask his permission... I wasn't aware I did, but it's habit so I don't make him cross. That's not normal is it? ????

We can't split up coz of the kids, no one has ever split up before in our families.... I just want him back to how he was... but he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.... and now I have cracked after drinking wed, Thurs and Friday night... I had 10 pints and some vodka redbulls before I went off with the lad... I knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. I did keep saying no, got to stop, but was to pissed to actually stop , he was very insistent and of course part of me wanted to. More guilt there then...

Just hope your Friday wasn't that bad!!! Coke is a horrid drug too, so I wish u luck. .. I have a friend who ditched that as his skin felt like spiders were on it at night and he never slept + awful....

Will help you all they way! Good luck and have a nice Sunday! X
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Old 11-29-2015, 02:49 AM
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Originally Posted by advbike View Post
Most of drink excessively because we're in pain to begin with. We stuff our feelings, don't talk to our partners, sometimes we've put up with abuse, and bad relationships, etc. But you gotta start somewhere, and that's with the booze.

Quit the booze and you can start to sort out the other stuff. Plus, it shows you've acknowledged that there's a problem, and you're willing to work on it. Who knows what will happen with your relationship? Whatever you do, don't stay in it just out of guilt - I've made that mistake.
Quit booze... then I might now what I actually feel. I'm scared though.... scared witless. .... if my husband wants to try, so do I. .but where to start??? It's a mess.... but I am.less anguished now as am just typing on here to anyone who will listen!!!! Thanks x
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Old 11-29-2015, 02:53 AM
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I am thinking of you and so sorry for your pain. We have all been there in one way or another, time will heal, but only if you heal yourself. You can do this.
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Old 11-29-2015, 03:03 AM
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Originally Posted by enfinthechange View Post
I just think I have broken it beyond repair...we have been together 20 years and somethings not quite right. ...he thinks everything is fine... but I've not felt right for ages... something I need I'm jot getting? Affection maybe, love, lust, respect? ??? I find it hard to know my own mind, I'm always wrong anyway.... we drink together coz we always have... it makes us have fun, so we think. .. if we don't have a nasty argument. I mostly goto bed alone as he's watching TV more, often cry myself to sleep with frustration. ... he knows that too.

A few weeks ago at a family do his brother and wife asked me why I always defer to my husband and always ask his permission... I wasn't aware I did, but it's habit so I don't make him cross. That's not normal is it? ????

We can't split up coz of the kids, no one has ever split up before in our families.... I just want him back to how he was... but he doesn't see he has done anything wrong.... and now I have cracked after drinking wed, Thurs and Friday night... I had 10 pints and some vodka redbulls before I went off with the lad... I knew it was wrong, but did it anyway. I did keep saying no, got to stop, but was to pissed to actually stop , he was very insistent and of course part of me wanted to. More guilt there then...

Just hope your Friday wasn't that bad!!! Coke is a horrid drug too, so I wish u luck. .. I have a friend who ditched that as his skin felt like spiders were on it at night and he never slept + awful....

Will help you all they way! Good luck and have a nice Sunday! X

Oh Wow! Reading your last post was like reading a chapter out of our lives. We drink/ use together also.. Because we always have. We thought we were having fun too.. I now know different. He is far more moody on a comedown where as I am more emotional, constantly walking on eggshells so as not to make him angry.
I understand why you strayed. You are not happy right now in yourself or in your relationship but don't give up without knowing what it would be like with sobriety. You might find things drastically improve.
I've never had the spider crawling thing, I think that might be crack or heroin. Just a 7 year cloudy haze that I need to get away from. I think the first 2 weeks will be the hardest so looking forward to crossing of the alcohol/ cocaine free days. I would say that if your husband refuses to quit drinking and is affecting your recovery, you need to seriously question your relationship. You have to put yourself first, I know breaking family traditions Can be hard but trying to get yourself out of an alcohol fuelled coma will be harder. Do what's right for you... Hopefully your husband will jump on the recovery train when he realises he actually may lose you.
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Old 11-29-2015, 03:18 AM
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Funny the similarities between different lives...

I think.my husband would never fight to get me back. He says just leave then, and if u do, you're not coming back. He is so emotionally different to me it's untrue. .. we used to be the same.... but not any more. I as I have got older and had kids I have needed more affection and love... but he hasn't. ..he is just quite hard nose, very firm and I dot seem to be a be able to be right.... so I take the easy road....

When we drink we recreate earlier happiness I guess... and become affectionate briefly..... as long as we stop drinking after a few and don't go overboard.

On Friday. ..

I only went to the pub as he sent me out to buy more beer.. I'd had 4 pints... I said Iwould prob goto the pub... he said OK. ... I was there for 5 hours. .he did text once to see if I was OK!

I just knew this guy fancied me and I was definitely attracted to him... so the beer led me to it and let me think it was OK. Stupid stupid stupid. .. only the week before I had told the guy no... even when he was quite insistent. So I knew.... I knew what I was doing.... I was drunk enough not to care. That is bad. On all fronts it is bad.... I am married with kids and 19 years older than him... what's going on.....
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Old 11-29-2015, 03:57 AM
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You can hash and rehash the awfulness.

You can speculate all day on what may happen to your life, your circumstances.

You can float along in the current ofinancial shame and self hatred and fear and misery.

You can project all manner of catastrophe ahead.

Or....

You can get busy, actively pursuing change in your life to get and stay sober and build a life so much better that you'll look back on all this with gratitude.

The choice is yours.
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:05 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
You can hash and rehash the awfulness.

You can speculate all day on what may happen to your life, your circumstances.

You can float along in the current ofinancial shame and self hatred and fear and misery.

You can project all manner of catastrophe ahead.

Or....

You can get busy, actively pursuing change in your life to get and stay sober and build a life so much better that you'll look back on all this with gratitude.

The choice is yours.
Everyone will know the bad....but they won't know the good... that's the worry.

I just hope by being given sober I will neverk see that set of people again. I only ever saw them in the pub anyway....if the event leaks out, I just hope it is forgotten soon.By being good maybe I can just erase it....
I have always been nice and kind and good.the rest of the time.... so.maybe they will view.it as a ****.up... not a personality thing!
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:09 AM
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Doesn't matter.

'Everyone' is secondary.

What matters is your choice and your actions.

If you choose to embrace sobriety, one day this will be no more significant to 'everyone' than if you'd forgotten to put out the rubbish.

I know it all feels huge right now.... but the absolute ONLY thing that actually matters at this moment is the choice you make and the actions you take.

You can ride the elevator down or up from here. It's that simple.
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:21 AM
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It sounds like you have some deep issues with the marriage enfan. . .
Part of your recovery may be to get with a therapist and start to look into these.

You will need to prepare and act on a sobriety plan
For example, what will you do when your husband is drinking at home and you are triggered?
How will you distract yourself from cravings until they pass?
What interests can you start or go back to to fill the time you used to drink?
These are really important things to think out ahead of time and develop responses to. . .

You are a good person underneath who seems deeply unhappy in her life circumstances to me.
What other kinds of steps can you take after you get more stable in sobriety
to make changes in your life for the better?
Do you work outside the home? Are you interested in further education
or a job/ different job?
Mental stimulation is really important. I also advocate exercise and fitness
as a way to deal with the anxiety and worry in early sobriety.
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:23 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
Doesn't matter.

'Everyone' is secondary.

What matters is your choice and your actions.

If you choose to embrace sobriety, one day this will be no more significant to 'everyone' than if you'd forgotten to put out the rubbish.

I know it all feels huge right now.... but the absolute ONLY thing that actually matters at this moment is the choice you make and the actions you take.

You can ride the elevator down or up from here. It's that simple.
Don't think I've ever done anything for myself , u less it's harm .... I'm pretty worthless overall. Being nice and kind and helping people was all I had, faking that I was a nice person. ...

Now I'm not even that. Sober is going to be tough... where do u hide???
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:24 AM
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Being sober isn't about hiding.

It's about stopping hiding.

AA's Big Book is available for free at meetings and online.

Start by reading that.
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
It sounds like you have some deep issues with the marriage enfan. . .
Part of your recovery may be to get with a therapist and start to look into these.

You will need to prepare and act on a sobriety plan
For example, what will you do when your husband is drinking at home and you are triggered?
How will you distract yourself from cravings until they pass?
What interests can you start or go back to to fill the time you used to drink?
These are really important things to think out ahead of time and develop responses to. . .

You are a good person underneath who seems deeply unhappy in her life circumstances to me.
What other kinds of steps can you take after you get more stable in sobriety
to make changes in your life for the better?
Do you work outside the home? Are you interested in further education
or a job/ different job?
Mental stimulation is really important. I also advocate exercise and fitness
as a way to deal with the anxiety and worry in early sobriety.
Hawkeye, you're right... I've tried to address them with him over the years... but he thinks it's all OK. He won't do therapy. ... I have a very stressful job which nearly kills me, I teach 16-18 science a levels... and he is a teacher too. I always loose it before Xmas and kind of meltdown. And drink too much... but this time I have really done it. ....
When I lay off the booze I can keep a tight lid on all the feelings and unhappiness. Just screw it down and keep smiling... but regular boozing means I can't keep the lid on, and boom. Lust alert! It's so ridiculous... I just didn't care. I have 2 gorgeous kids and I didn't care. Shamefull. ... I have a husband who works hard and cares for us... it's disgusting what I did....
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:36 AM
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lack of self-esteem and self-love are generally huge issues for us drinkers

That's where I would start--in fact, that is where I started and my life has
improved quite a bit just from that

Feeling desire isn't shameful at all. . . it is healthy and it doesn't sound like
you are getting those needs met. That is a marriage problem,and not just you.

There are many approaches if one doesn't ring true for you,
but it does sound like you could do with some face support of one type or another.
Have you begun looking into resources in your area?
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:49 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
lack of self-esteem and self-love are generally huge issues for us drinkers

That's where I would start--in fact, that is where I started and my life has
improved quite a bit just from that

Feeling desire isn't shameful at all. . . it is healthy and it doesn't sound like
you are getting those needs met. That is a marriage problem,and not just you.

There are many approaches if one doesn't ring true for you,
but it does sound like you could do with some face support of one type or another.
Have you begun looking into resources in your area?
I am going to 'man up' and goto the docs tomorrow. Ask for help and advice. I can skip lessons for medical reasons, so should be OK. ... I Googled help, not sure what to go for. .. I am well known in the area teaching so many kids, so it's hard....
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Old 11-29-2015, 04:56 AM
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One-to-one therapy would protect your privacy and give you a place to work.
Too bad he won't consider marriage counseling, but that doesn't really help
if one partner is actively drinking.

Good job on getting a doctor's appointment--you may need some meds
for a few days to deal with withdrawal and hopefully he / she can put you
onto some other resources.

Staying sober is the most important thing--if someone sees you in a meeting,
well, maybe they do. Do what you need to manage your addiction
and the rest will fall into place.

It's funny how the most awful things are sometimes just what we need to
wake up out of our fog and take change of our lives again.
Right now, it sounds like your husband is controlling both of you
and the family / community perception is overshadowing all.

What do you want for yourself and the rest of your life enfan?
This event is an opportunity to really engage this question instead of drinking it away.

Sending you a hug. You can do this and come out stronger and better than before. Really.

Take the elevator up and don't get off until you reach the top
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Old 11-29-2015, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
One-to-one therapy would protect your privacy and give you a place to work.
Too bad he won't consider marriage counseling, but that doesn't really help
if one partner is actively drinking.

Good job on getting a doctor's appointment--you may need some meds
for a few days to deal with withdrawal and hopefully he / she can put you
onto some other resources.

Staying sober is the most important thing--if someone sees you in a meeting,
well, maybe they do. Do what you need to manage your addiction
and the rest will fall into place.

It's funny how the most awful things are sometimes just what we need to
wake up out of our fog and take change of our lives again.
Right now, it sounds like your husband is controlling both of you
and the family / community perception is overshadowing all.

What do you want for yourself and the rest of your life enfan?
This event is an opportunity to really engage this question instead of drinking it away.

Sending you a hug. You can do this and come out stronger and better than before. Really.

Take the elevator up and don't get off until you reach the top
Thank you so much... I just need to hear lots of supporting things it seems. .. I am going to try my best.... I achieve so much at work and home, I can do this... I hope!
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Old 11-29-2015, 05:24 AM
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Originally Posted by enfinthechange View Post
I am going to 'man up' and goto the docs tomorrow. Ask for help and advice. I can skip lessons for medical reasons, so should be OK. ... I Googled help, not sure what to go for. .. I am well known in the area teaching so many kids, so it's hard....
Afternoon Enfin,

Good move - I knew that was the only way to prove I was genuine this time by doing it myself - found a local Drink and drugs counselling and went for assessment - had to turn up at 8.30 to see if appointments available - went first day nothin available so made sure I was back same time the following morning - quite a few people there who seemed in a whole different state to myself but the fact is all have problems and was no way I was considering this time that I didn't have one as not bad as others in the fact I hold down a good job etc - I'm not happy with things and it's causing me massive problems especially at home and the blackouts / habits getting worse and worse - when you're doing sniff in the toilet at work to keep you going after a night out with an hours sleep you know there's big issues but still until now I couldn't see how wrong that was - not the first time either. Was using daily a few years ago - managed to sort that but know without getting help that's deffo on the horizon as I've been losing control again, I keep drinking / return to it and it's nailed on - can't let that happen.

Had the assessment on that second day and was sat with a most amazing lady 64 yrs old ex prison officer with 30 years experience- immediately connected with her / no heirs and graces and told me exactly what I knew but needed to hear and didn't hold back - sat there with an hour appointment that turned into 2 and poured my heart out as to where I'm at right now - was no doubt in her mind that the excesses and amounts of alcohol / Coke / e's / weed etc is way out of control and that I have huge problems with what it's causing through my life / work etc - got my first full appointment tomorrow and know this is the first step to sorting this for the long term.

Hope you're able to find the right place to get the help that you require.

Good luck.
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Old 11-29-2015, 05:32 AM
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I have no words of wisdom for you but I can absolutely relate. Reading your posts is like reading my own. All I can say is, your not alone. Maybe we can do this together.
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Old 11-29-2015, 05:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Shantilove View Post
I have no words of wisdom for you but I can absolutely relate. Reading your posts is like reading my own. All I can say is, your not alone. Maybe we can do this together.
Together. ... it's a word and feeling I need right now.... thanksx
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