The worst worst ever
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Thanks red... I appreciate your story. ... I hope I can find someone to help. .
Alcohol is masking so.much, and masquerading as.fun when it is destroying everything.
Husband is at least.communicating now, a bit curt but it's something....
Alcohol is masking so.much, and masquerading as.fun when it is destroying everything.
Husband is at least.communicating now, a bit curt but it's something....
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
There you go - something to work at - remember tho there's no need for a drink - day 15 for me and I can certainly say things are becoming much clearer, still up and down but guess that can only be expected - my wife can see I genuinely want to put things right and change the way my life and hers for that matter has been going for so long.
Right I'm off to cook a meal for all the family whilst watching the football - usually would be with beer after beer but just poured myself a sparkling water - biggest problem is deciding a slice of lime or a slice of lemon !!
Hope you have a good day.
Right I'm off to cook a meal for all the family whilst watching the football - usually would be with beer after beer but just poured myself a sparkling water - biggest problem is deciding a slice of lime or a slice of lemon !!
Hope you have a good day.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 123
Hi enfin,
We're in the same country... The joy of a levels! (Mine were 15 years ago, but hey).
I can feel your pain. I'm also full of admiration. I know my default position would have been, oh shiz, cannot cope with this and drank more back in my drinking days.
You're not though. I know how hard it is to be in a dysfunctional relationship and drowning the pain rather than trying to tackle it. It all seems so insurmountable.
I'm now on day 25. My last drink landed me in a cell and a week in a psychiatric hospital...
I used to hate it when propel said to me that it got better, but it honestly has. No, life isn't great. But it's ok. For now, that is enough. My aim for each day is to get though it and go to a meeting.
With you every step. Sv X
We're in the same country... The joy of a levels! (Mine were 15 years ago, but hey).
I can feel your pain. I'm also full of admiration. I know my default position would have been, oh shiz, cannot cope with this and drank more back in my drinking days.
You're not though. I know how hard it is to be in a dysfunctional relationship and drowning the pain rather than trying to tackle it. It all seems so insurmountable.
I'm now on day 25. My last drink landed me in a cell and a week in a psychiatric hospital...
I used to hate it when propel said to me that it got better, but it honestly has. No, life isn't great. But it's ok. For now, that is enough. My aim for each day is to get though it and go to a meeting.
With you every step. Sv X
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Thnks snowvelevet... the UK can be a beautiful place, but is is stuffed with alcohol and drinking... everyone has it shoved down their throats all the time...
I cant imagine it getting better, alcohol is the easiest hobby to have and removes reality so you don't have to accept it... you can blame it for everything without blaming yourself...
But it is no good - we need to find out who we truly are, then be able to deal with that. My life is going to be tough and boring and lonely without booze - its the nightly hobby you can keep with minimal effort and not even leaving the home. Even they kids don't mind or know... I can mark and plan my lessons with it...
And now I wont be able to... I am expecting it to be grim and tough , especially given the atmosphere here.
I have to find me, the real me... I have been with my husband since I was 20, I'm now 41.... so who the hell am I????
I have to confess too, that this has happened before, I have fallen for other people over the last 21 years... fallen hard sometimes, twice even snogged them too... so maybe I am flawed in some way.... but why? and is it real - the other times I was totally plastered too... maybe I just like people liking me...
Who knows... but thanks so uch for your kid words and well done on 25 days... That would take me to xmas eve.. that will be tough...
x
I cant imagine it getting better, alcohol is the easiest hobby to have and removes reality so you don't have to accept it... you can blame it for everything without blaming yourself...
But it is no good - we need to find out who we truly are, then be able to deal with that. My life is going to be tough and boring and lonely without booze - its the nightly hobby you can keep with minimal effort and not even leaving the home. Even they kids don't mind or know... I can mark and plan my lessons with it...
And now I wont be able to... I am expecting it to be grim and tough , especially given the atmosphere here.
I have to find me, the real me... I have been with my husband since I was 20, I'm now 41.... so who the hell am I????
I have to confess too, that this has happened before, I have fallen for other people over the last 21 years... fallen hard sometimes, twice even snogged them too... so maybe I am flawed in some way.... but why? and is it real - the other times I was totally plastered too... maybe I just like people liking me...
Who knows... but thanks so uch for your kid words and well done on 25 days... That would take me to xmas eve.. that will be tough...
x
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
"My life is going to be tough and boring and lonely without booze"
Maybe at first, but not forever. Each day, each week gets progressively better. You'll begin to experience things in sobriety you never expected. A clarity, a contentment. Then you'll wonder why the hell you ever drank so much.
Maybe at first, but not forever. Each day, each week gets progressively better. You'll begin to experience things in sobriety you never expected. A clarity, a contentment. Then you'll wonder why the hell you ever drank so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Edmonton, Alberta.
Posts: 398
Hey Enfin,
You might be surprised at how differently you feel after a relatively short time. From being someone who would wake up in a panic about having enough booze in the house to see me through the day (3 bottles of red would keep the fear at bay so long as I didn't start early. If I did, all bets were off!) I quickly learned to love the freedom of my sober life.
We have some things in common! I too am early 40s and also work in education in the UK. Sober me does all the same stuff drunk me used to do. Same faces, same routines, same issues to overcome - but no crippling self-loathing or constant guilt & anxiety.
It took me a few goes. If I allowed myself to think that I was being 'deprived', I would yearn for the happy haze I imagined that I was missing and in no time would be howling at the moon again. Willpower is not my strong point.The reality of my drinking was constant fear and suffering for me and my loved ones, not clinking glasses and fun. I had to see it for what it was, not what my addiction told me it was, if you see what I mean. Then I didn't need willpower or to be particularly strong. I just had to recognize which thoughts were 'me' and which were my desire to drink.
So much of the struggle is self-generated. Looking at the future as a grim fun-free wasteland will make sobriety hard to aspire to and you'll probably talk yourself into a drink at some point.
Something Anna (one of the moderators here) has said about quitting is that it is not easy, but it is simple. I think this is very true and have hung on it at difficult moments.
I think everyone posting on your thread understands exactly what you are going through. Lots of people with many sober years all of whom have been through the mill. Just keep posting, keep breathing and look at SR as a daily reminder that everything is possible.
Also and finally - screw those gossips! You don't have to be affected by anyone else or what you imagine they may think.
Hoping this doesn't feel like a lecture, and sending you my best pre-Christmas can-do vibes.
Max
You might be surprised at how differently you feel after a relatively short time. From being someone who would wake up in a panic about having enough booze in the house to see me through the day (3 bottles of red would keep the fear at bay so long as I didn't start early. If I did, all bets were off!) I quickly learned to love the freedom of my sober life.
We have some things in common! I too am early 40s and also work in education in the UK. Sober me does all the same stuff drunk me used to do. Same faces, same routines, same issues to overcome - but no crippling self-loathing or constant guilt & anxiety.
It took me a few goes. If I allowed myself to think that I was being 'deprived', I would yearn for the happy haze I imagined that I was missing and in no time would be howling at the moon again. Willpower is not my strong point.The reality of my drinking was constant fear and suffering for me and my loved ones, not clinking glasses and fun. I had to see it for what it was, not what my addiction told me it was, if you see what I mean. Then I didn't need willpower or to be particularly strong. I just had to recognize which thoughts were 'me' and which were my desire to drink.
So much of the struggle is self-generated. Looking at the future as a grim fun-free wasteland will make sobriety hard to aspire to and you'll probably talk yourself into a drink at some point.
Something Anna (one of the moderators here) has said about quitting is that it is not easy, but it is simple. I think this is very true and have hung on it at difficult moments.
I think everyone posting on your thread understands exactly what you are going through. Lots of people with many sober years all of whom have been through the mill. Just keep posting, keep breathing and look at SR as a daily reminder that everything is possible.
Also and finally - screw those gossips! You don't have to be affected by anyone else or what you imagine they may think.
Hoping this doesn't feel like a lecture, and sending you my best pre-Christmas can-do vibes.
Max
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by sobermax 
Hey Enfin,
You might be surprised at how differently you feel after a relatively short time. From being someone who would wake up in a panic about having enough booze in the house to see me through the day (3 bottles of red would keep the fear at bay so long as I didn't start early. If I did, all bets were off!) I quickly learned to love the freedom of my sober life.
We have some things in common! I too am early 40s and also work in education in the UK. Sober me does all the same stuff drunk me used to do. Same faces, same routines, same issues to overcome - but no crippling self-loathing or constant guilt & anxiety.
It took me a few goes. If I allowed myself to think that I was being 'deprived', I would yearn for the happy haze I imagined that I was missing and in no time would be howling at the moon again. Willpower is not my strong point.The reality of my drinking was constant fear and suffering for me and my loved ones, not clinking glasses and fun. I had to see it for what it was, not what my addiction told me it was, if you see what I mean. Then I didn't need willpower or to be particularly strong. I just had to recognize which thoughts were 'me' and which were my desire to drink.
So much of the struggle is self-generated. Looking at the future as a grim fun-free wasteland will make sobriety hard to aspire to and you'll probably talk yourself into a drink at some point.
Something Anna (one of the moderators here) has said about quitting is that it is not easy, but it is simple. I think this is very true and have hung on it at difficult moments.
I think everyone posting on your thread understands exactly what you are going through. Lots of people with many sober years all of whom have been through the mill. Just keep posting, keep breathing and look at SR as a daily reminder that everything is possible.
Also and finally - screw those gossips! You don't have to be affected by anyone else or what you imagine they may think.
Hoping this doesn't feel like a lecture, and sending you my best pre-Christmas can-do vibes.
Max
You might be surprised at how differently you feel after a relatively short time. From being someone who would wake up in a panic about having enough booze in the house to see me through the day (3 bottles of red would keep the fear at bay so long as I didn't start early. If I did, all bets were off!) I quickly learned to love the freedom of my sober life.
We have some things in common! I too am early 40s and also work in education in the UK. Sober me does all the same stuff drunk me used to do. Same faces, same routines, same issues to overcome - but no crippling self-loathing or constant guilt & anxiety.
It took me a few goes. If I allowed myself to think that I was being 'deprived', I would yearn for the happy haze I imagined that I was missing and in no time would be howling at the moon again. Willpower is not my strong point.The reality of my drinking was constant fear and suffering for me and my loved ones, not clinking glasses and fun. I had to see it for what it was, not what my addiction told me it was, if you see what I mean. Then I didn't need willpower or to be particularly strong. I just had to recognize which thoughts were 'me' and which were my desire to drink.
So much of the struggle is self-generated. Looking at the future as a grim fun-free wasteland will make sobriety hard to aspire to and you'll probably talk yourself into a drink at some point.
Something Anna (one of the moderators here) has said about quitting is that it is not easy, but it is simple. I think this is very true and have hung on it at difficult moments.
I think everyone posting on your thread understands exactly what you are going through. Lots of people with many sober years all of whom have been through the mill. Just keep posting, keep breathing and look at SR as a daily reminder that everything is possible.
Also and finally - screw those gossips! You don't have to be affected by anyone else or what you imagine they may think.
Hoping this doesn't feel like a lecture, and sending you my best pre-Christmas can-do vibes.
Max
... that will be nice too....
I don't even know who I really am, or if I'll like me... started going to the pub at 17 and never sobered up for long.... I hope I'm nice when I emerge!!!! Probably not as loud or annoying would be good too!!!
I have this as an app this time, so an check in more... I think it will help... cheers indeed x
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi enfin, I have been following this thread and I feel very bad for you. Your actions that night were regrettable, but they do not have to be a death sentence. And you are absolutely not a bad person because of this. I wish you the very best.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: deepest england
Posts: 1,119
Originally Posted by thomas11
Hi enfin, I have been following this thread and I feel very bad for you. Your actions that night were regrettable, but they do not have to be a death sentence. And you are absolutely not a bad person because of this. I wish you the very best.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: UK, South Coast
Posts: 605
Just managed to catch up, see how much support uve got here. Has ur hubbie said anymore to u or is still a case of 1 word at a time??
U cannot change what happenedthis wkend but u can change what happens next. We're all here for u!x
U cannot change what happenedthis wkend but u can change what happens next. We're all here for u!x
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 507
Hi Enfin,
Just read through this thread, and as you can see, nobody here is judging you.
I was just thinking today how wonderful it feels to know that I will never again say or do anything that I didn't make a conscious decision to say or do. When drinking I would hit that point, around when blackouts kick in, where it was like a different person was living in my body. With all the fear and loathing that could lead to. Sober, I now own my actions, good or bad.
Getting sober is a terrific first step for you, and it will be challenging to find a new lifestyle, as so much of your life and identity sounds like it was tied up with drinking. But I can assure you that it will be a better life once you do.
The other thing, as you've recognised, is that now is a very good time to start figuring some things out about yourself. Who you really are. It does sound like you lost your way some time ago, and have been living a life that you feel disconnected with. If that makes sense. It would be great if your husband was open to couples therapy, but in a way I think you'd benefit more, once you have a bit of sober time under your belt, with seeing a counsellor just for yourself. One on one time with someone who won't judge you, who understands you, who is only there to help you figure out what's troubling you, to help you understand what you want out of life. I think that could have a real, positive, impact on your life.
Whatever approach you take, you have an opportunity right now to make sure that from now on, anything you say or do is what you genuinely want to say or do. All you have to do is stay sober.
Just read through this thread, and as you can see, nobody here is judging you.
I was just thinking today how wonderful it feels to know that I will never again say or do anything that I didn't make a conscious decision to say or do. When drinking I would hit that point, around when blackouts kick in, where it was like a different person was living in my body. With all the fear and loathing that could lead to. Sober, I now own my actions, good or bad.
Getting sober is a terrific first step for you, and it will be challenging to find a new lifestyle, as so much of your life and identity sounds like it was tied up with drinking. But I can assure you that it will be a better life once you do.
The other thing, as you've recognised, is that now is a very good time to start figuring some things out about yourself. Who you really are. It does sound like you lost your way some time ago, and have been living a life that you feel disconnected with. If that makes sense. It would be great if your husband was open to couples therapy, but in a way I think you'd benefit more, once you have a bit of sober time under your belt, with seeing a counsellor just for yourself. One on one time with someone who won't judge you, who understands you, who is only there to help you figure out what's troubling you, to help you understand what you want out of life. I think that could have a real, positive, impact on your life.
Whatever approach you take, you have an opportunity right now to make sure that from now on, anything you say or do is what you genuinely want to say or do. All you have to do is stay sober.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Originally Posted by enfinthechange
A few weeks ago at a family do his brother and wife asked me why I always defer to my husband and always ask his permission... I wasn't aware I did, but it's habit so I don't make him cross. That's not normal is it? ????
Not advising any crazy action right now, just keep this in mind as you get sober. Especially if he tries to be be manipulative or controlling about that process. It's true that you messed up and you do need to make amends, but it sounds like there's a lot going on here.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey Enfin, sorry to hear about what you've been going through over the last couple of days!! 
Things will get better with time, it may not happen over night but some positive real committed change in your life will go some way to repairing things in the long run, people need something to respond to, and you have the power to turn this around with some real action in your life.
Alcohol is not all it's cracked up to be, it sells us the myth of happiness, promises, and the idea that without it that somehow we'll be missing out or what are we going to do with our time, and sure maybe that's going to take a bit of effort to figure out, but I'd rather spend a few days figuring out some new hobbies/interests than nursing a hangover and feeling regret over all the "fun" I was having the night before.
You can get through this, draw a final line under your drinking, don't give alcohol any more say in your life and begin to write a new happier chapter to your story!!
You can do this!!
Things will get better with time, it may not happen over night but some positive real committed change in your life will go some way to repairing things in the long run, people need something to respond to, and you have the power to turn this around with some real action in your life.
Alcohol is not all it's cracked up to be, it sells us the myth of happiness, promises, and the idea that without it that somehow we'll be missing out or what are we going to do with our time, and sure maybe that's going to take a bit of effort to figure out, but I'd rather spend a few days figuring out some new hobbies/interests than nursing a hangover and feeling regret over all the "fun" I was having the night before.
You can get through this, draw a final line under your drinking, don't give alcohol any more say in your life and begin to write a new happier chapter to your story!!
You can do this!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Enfin:
I've read through all of this and it's quite obvious that things are starting to get better for you. For quite awhile you were rehashing the past and beating yourself up about it. This created a risk that you might start drinking again. Wth support from SR and hopefully some from your husband (who at least has stuck around and not left you) you did not drink. If you do not drink things will continue to get better. I guarantee it. You will regain the respect of your husband, your community, all those whom you fear might have lost faith in you. If you continue you will be accepted back, even admired, looked up to, because you have will have done the hardest thing it is possible to do. You will have won the battle over yourself. Get as much help as possible. From your doctor, from other recovering alcoholics with some sobriety, from counselors, from your pastor if you have one. Avoid places where drinks are served, people who drink a lot. Exercise, keep busy. You can do this. You can do this. Keep posting. All the best and every good wish.
W.
I've read through all of this and it's quite obvious that things are starting to get better for you. For quite awhile you were rehashing the past and beating yourself up about it. This created a risk that you might start drinking again. Wth support from SR and hopefully some from your husband (who at least has stuck around and not left you) you did not drink. If you do not drink things will continue to get better. I guarantee it. You will regain the respect of your husband, your community, all those whom you fear might have lost faith in you. If you continue you will be accepted back, even admired, looked up to, because you have will have done the hardest thing it is possible to do. You will have won the battle over yourself. Get as much help as possible. From your doctor, from other recovering alcoholics with some sobriety, from counselors, from your pastor if you have one. Avoid places where drinks are served, people who drink a lot. Exercise, keep busy. You can do this. You can do this. Keep posting. All the best and every good wish.
W.
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