Aislin

I hate how ill I feel all the time. I wake up feeling nauseous and tired. I binge eat a lot during the day to try and take away this problem. I am thankful that I haven't got to the stage of drinking during the day, although it does cross my mind I can usually ignore that. I have high blood pressure which I am convinced is linked to my drinking and also experience heart palpitations a lot now. I ended up in A&E a few weeks back because of horrendous stomach pains. They never got to the bottom of it but I was convinced it was drink related. I am too ashamed of how much I drink to be honest when they ask. I feel like I am slowly killing myself but feel powerless to stop!

Dharma33

Hi, Aislin-

Your situations sounds very familiar to me, right down to the rows with the husband! I am only about 2 1/2 weeks in to sobriety, and I can tell you that life is getting amazingly better without drinking. Everything difficult in my marriage has resolved itself because the problems were caused by one thing: my drinking.

Glad you are here- there is a lot of amazing support!!!

Dharma33

You absolutely can stop....today can be that day.

Dee74

Double post.

Dee74

Lots of great advice here Aislin - welcome back.

I think a recovery plan is a good first step. There's lots of ideas here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
D

Aislin

Thanks Dee :-)

SoberLeigh

How are you today, Aislin?

biminiblue

Aislin, keep writing. You will find there is nothing to hold on to.

Aislin

Hi, thanks for all your support. I did not drink last night - day 1 :-) Loved waking up this morning feeling sober and not hung over, going down to a clean kitchen rather than one with wine bottles and what ever I decided to eat scattered around.

But here I am again and its 4pm. I am arguing with myself and going over and over reasons why I should have a drink. For example why don't I just blow it over the weekend (even though it isn't even the weekend but very close!) and start sober on Monday - Monday is a good day for new beginnings! Also I have some decisions to make regarding my daughter's school and this is usually done by sitting down with my husband and discussing it over a drink. So therefore I NEED to have a drink. What if I just have a couple (yeah right - never happens)

I am going to try and distract myself by doing some cooking and cleaning. I felt so pleased with myself this morning, it would be great to do it again!

biminiblue

Those thoughts are going to come, but they are just thoughts.

I have a lot of thoughts every day that I don't act on. I know you can do this. Give it a couple months and see if you don't feel like an amazingly different and better person.

You've made the decision. Now just ride out those thoughts and anxieties and in no time there will be a new amazing life for you.

I kept repeating to myself, "I don't drink, no matter what."

Nonsensical

I have had those same arguments in my head. One voice can always come up with an excuse to drink, the other knows I should not.

The voice who thinks I should drink again is the voice of my addiction. In 25 years that voice has not told me one true thing. It is a liar and a thief.

I stopped taking advice from a known liar. That voice told me I'd never feel OK if I didn't drink again. Just another lie. In fact, my life got much better.

You can do this!

SoberLeigh

What bim said.

SoberLeigh

And what Non said.

It's lies, all lies, from our AVs.

MisterChill

Aislin, I watched my blood pressure steadily climb from high normal - pre-hypertension - stage 1 - and then stage 2 over 5 years. I was daily heavy (6+ beers and half of fifth of bourbon minimum) for the previous 10-12 years and a solid binger the 10 years before that. Thankfully I had yet to progress to drinking in the morning or early in the day. Kept it from 6pm or later the vast majority of the time.

On top of now being on blood pressure meds, I had a liver ultrasound yesterday and confirmed fatty liver and mild inflamation. The blood work from my last physical was scary enough for me to FINALLY draw the line.

There is probably no chance at getting control of your blood pressure until you knock off drinking. I tried every supplement in the book prior to getting put on meds. I'm 46 now and have definitely paid a physical price for the addiction.

I'm only 18 days in but man, it sure does feel like i have a monkey off my back right now. The first week was tough with strong cravings and all kinds of mental games. There is a price to pay for all the years of drinking to excess and there is no easy way out. Once you get past the strong mental and physical stuff everything changes for the better. How you think and feel makes you feel like a brand new person. At least it has for me. I haven't felt this way in over 20 years. The road ahead will not be simple or easy while trying to maintain sobriety but so worth the fight.

Good luck!

FarToGo

Hi Aislin,

the stuff you are saying is soooo familiar. A couple of things have helped me (to get almost 10 weeks sober), but take them or leave them-
1, I realised the continued debate every day, drink v don't drink and the inevitable drink and then hating myself meant that I had lost control over alcohol, I was no longer able to simply choose, I was in a battle I was losing.
2, that drinking was bad for every aspect of my life, relationships, parenting, work, my health, my self esteem................

When I really realised these things, I knew I had to give it all I've got.

Again just my experience, but the first week was awful (really awful) after that being sober got rewarding and these rewards start to offset the continued work / efforts.
I also log onto SR every day and it helps a lot, even just to read what others are saying.
Good luck x

Dee74

some great advice here aislin

D

Aislin

Epic fail - as my son would say. I have been bingeing again for the last few days. I don't know why I just always have a reason. I keep telling myself that I can stop I just don't want to at the moment but the thing is I DO want to.

I don't remember going to bed last night. My husband told me I was fine one minute and then suddenly crashed and was sick. I don't remember being sick.

Today I feel awful, I am jittery, keep getting waves of nausea and quite frankly want to go to bed but I can't I have things to do, so I am going about the day in a haze and counting down the hours until I can go to bed. I feel like this lot and it frightens me at how ill I feel and what I must be doing to my body but it almost a normal way to feel. I desperately want to get healthy again.

I don't think I will drink today because I feel so ill but what about tomorrow. It's friday, how can I NOT drink on a friday. My husband would not understand and would think I was being boring. I HATE how alcohol has taken over my life but I feel completely helpless to change it. Feeling depressed today

Nonsensical

You drank a depressant. That's what it does.

My addiction told me the same thing. You can't change this. I even bought extra life and liability insurance to protect my family from the inevitable disaster it was my destiny to bring them.

It was a lie. I changed it.

You can do this. There may be obstacles, but you can do this.

Aislin

Thanks for your reply Nonsensical, I never really thought of it as being a depressant. I suffer alot with anxiety and depression, I never considered that stopping drinking would help with these.

The fact that you bought extra insurance really rang a bell with me. I am so frightened that I am going to have a stroke or heart attack because of the abuse I am doing to my body. I already have high blood pressure which I am convinced is down to my drinking. I am also overweight because I tend to binge eat during the day then binge drink in the evening. I am terrified of leaving my children without a mum. Yet as I write this I think if I am so frightened why do I carry on doing it!!!

Nonsensical

Alcohol made my anxiety better for hours and then worse for weeks. I was never able to put that together until I was sober for about 3 months and I realized the anxiety had mysteriously vanished. I always thought the effects of the booze were out of my system after a day or 2. Turns out persistent use creates changes in the brain that last for weeks or months. Those changes cause increased anxiety and depression.

Alcohol - the problem that masquerades as the solution.