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Need to swallow my pride...

Old 04-30-2015, 09:38 AM
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Need to swallow my pride...

.....and be accountable.

I am starting my new journey today. Sadly, I had 3 beers last night. After the 3rd beer I got up from the barstool, got in my car, called my husband and said, "I'm done! I can't do this anymore!" I had a massive craving after an argument with my teenage son and caved. I know...drinking doesn't fix a damn thing. Just makes it worse.

I have no future if I continue drinking. I'm hurting everyone around me and will most likely die a "slow suicide" if I keep this up.

That being said, after reading all of your amazing comments over the past few days, I have decided to use SR, exercise, church and therapy as my main recovery support. I also have a few really great books that people have recommended in the past.

I really appreciate your support and prayers are appreciated. I pray for all of you daily.

I just want my life back. SOBRIETY DATE: April 30, 2015

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Old 04-30-2015, 09:46 AM
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Good for you. You can do it!

Pro tip; fill your next 10 days with agenda. Get therapy time and exercise time and time to take a walk and time to meditate and time on SR and work time and all of it mapped out....

Don't leave any random undecided time to allow your AV to jump in and take over.

Making changes to support sobriety for me has been about a holistic approach and not leaving myself vulnerable... As I've watched your struggles, I've felt like maybe this would also be similar for you.

You can do it.

Make a ten day plan, work it one day at a time, revise and make another ten day plan, repeat.
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:48 AM
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Welcome back serenidad. If you look back at the past week, notice that your drinking last night was preceeded by a fairy predictable pattern. You were spending a lot of time ruminating over the fact that AA just "wasn't for you". Maybe it's not, I'm not judging one way or the other, but you have to admit that you basically gave up on your sobriety plan without moving into another and as a result you drank. If I'm not mistaken, the same thing happen when you quit SR for a while to focus on AA only.

Bottom line, you need to do the work. Your new plan does sound pretty comprehensive, i hope you can follow through with it.
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:04 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
Good for you. You can do it! Pro tip; fill your next 10 days with agenda. Get therapy time and exercise time and time to take a walk and time to meditate and time on SR and work time and all of it mapped out.... Don't leave any random undecided time to allow your AV to jump in and take over. Making changes to support sobriety for me has been about a holistic approach and not leaving myself vulnerable... As I've watched your struggles, I've felt like maybe this would also be similar for you. You can do it. Make a ten day plan, work it one day at a time, revise and make another ten day plan, repeat.
FreeOwl,

I think this is a really good idea. I am going to write out a daily "schedule" for the next 10 days that includes all my recovery tools. I have never really done that before. Thank you!!!
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:06 AM
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That's the spirit! (no pun intended...LOL!)
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Welcome back serenidad. If you look back at the past week, notice that your drinking last night was preceeded by a fairy predictable pattern. You were spending a lot of time ruminating over the fact that AA just "wasn't for you". Maybe it's not, I'm not judging one way or the other, but you have to admit that you basically gave up on your sobriety plan without moving into another and as a result you drank. If I'm not mistaken, the same thing happen when you quit SR for a while to focus on AA only. Bottom line, you need to do the work. Your new plan does sound pretty comprehensive, i hope you can follow through with it.
I totally agree with you Scott. I have been so darn wishy-washy this past year instead of just choosing a sobriety plan and sticking with it. Obviously the way I have been doing things hasn't been working. I think I will do what FreeOwl said and write up a daily recovery schedule. Thanks for all of your help Scott.
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:07 AM
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Swallow your pride but no beer chasers

I may have asked before but have you considered counseling? I know you talked about stress levels and fear and other triggers. Maybe therapy could be added to your arsenal of tools. Because, as you know, unless you learn how to handle your feelings and therefore your reactions to them, you may just be putting a band aid on a bigger problem. hugs!
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:25 AM
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Originally Posted by ArtFriend View Post
Swallow your pride but no beer chasers I may have asked before but have you considered counseling? I know you talked about stress levels and fear and other triggers. Maybe therapy could be added to your arsenal of tools. Because, as you know, unless you learn how to handle your feelings and therefore your reactions to them, you may just be putting a band aid on a bigger problem. hugs!
Thank you ArtFriend. Yes, I am starting therapy. :-)
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:29 AM
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Like Scott I saw that one coming (see my previous post to you on the other thread) but I am glad you made it back and I really pray this is your last sobriety date.
I really like Free Owl's suggestion of making a 10 day plan in writing and when I peeked, I saw that you posted in the gratitude threads which is really good!!
If you work on keeping a grateful heart, you are far less likely to drink.
I would also suggest that you read your book on AVRT so you can get a good idea of how the AV works and how to handle it properly.
Two other suggestions:
1) Mindfulness meditation, I am a big fan. It really helps stay in the moment and not project and get all resentful about past event or current situatation or panicky about the future.
There are tons of guided meditations on Youtube to get you started. Maybe your therapist has some suggestion about that too.
2) The 24 hours recovery connection thread on SR. It's fun and it keeps you accountable.

Anyway, I am glad you are not giving up and I really hope that it will stick this time.
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI View Post
Welcome back serenidad. If you look back at the past week, notice that your drinking last night was preceeded by a fairy predictable pattern. You were spending a lot of time ruminating over the fact that AA just "wasn't for you". Maybe it's not, I'm not judging one way or the other, but you have to admit that you basically gave up on your sobriety plan without moving into another and as a result you drank. If I'm not mistaken, the same thing happen when you quit SR for a while to focus on AA only. Bottom line, you need to do the work. Your new plan does sound pretty comprehensive, i hope you can follow through with it.
One more thing Scott. The reason I have been so wishy-washy going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth about AA is because I don't feel that AA is for me, but people in AA try to convince me that without it I will never stay sober....So it's a constant battle between what method is best for me.

I guess you could say I am brainwashed and have been stripped of every bit of self confidence by many people in AA. Fear has been crippling me. I need to just have faith in myself. I need to trust myself that I CAN do this.

The first time around I was court-ordered to go to AA so I never went because I wanted to. I stayed sober for 5.5 years and used AA for the first 2 years because I had to get court slips signed but I don't think AA is what kept me sober. Fear of going to jail is what kept me sober.

Anyway...I'm not gonna burn bridges or bash AA because it helps people but maybe I just need to step away indefinitely and try a different method...which is why I'm doing starting today.

Thanks again!
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Old 04-30-2015, 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Serenidad View Post
I totally agree with you Scott. I have been so darn wishy-washy this past year instead of just choosing a sobriety plan and sticking with it. Obviously the way I have been doing things hasn't been working. I think I will do what FreeOwl said and write up a daily recovery schedule. Thanks for all of your help Scott.
This is exactly right, Serenidad.
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Old 04-30-2015, 11:03 AM
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I believe in you Serenidad!
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Old 04-30-2015, 11:13 AM
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Sounds like a great plan serenidad!
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Old 04-30-2015, 11:35 AM
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The reason I have been so wishy-washy going back and forth and back and forth and back and forth about AA is because I don't feel that AA is for me, but people in AA try to convince me that without it I will never stay sober....
More specifically: the people at your home group told you that. I cannot remember any AA members who are on SR telling you that.
I have encouraged you before to explore other things.
I think a while back I even suggested that you not go to AA because between the rigid personalities at your group and your people pleasing/trouble setting boundaries it gave your AV more ammunition.
Have you read your Rational Recovery book yet?
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Old 04-30-2015, 11:37 AM
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You got this Serenidad!
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
More specifically: the people at your home group told you that. I cannot remember any AA members who are on SR telling you that. I have encouraged you before to explore other things. I think a while back I even suggested that you not go to AA because between the rigid personalities at your group and your people pleasing/trouble setting boundaries it gave your AV more ammunition. Have you read your Rational Recovery book yet?
Yes, you are exactly right Carlotta. It's never been anyone on SR that have said anything bad about AA. It's the people in my local meetings.

Yes, you have always been so supportive and encouraged me to explore other methods. I totally agree with you about my AV being triggered by people in AA. Yes, I have started reading Rational Recovery but the people in AA strongly discouraged it so I stopped. Probably because it kinda bashes AA. I am going to resume reading it tonight. I also got a book called Many Roads One Journey by Charlotte Davis Kasl. It was highly recommended. Thank for your support Carlotta.
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:12 PM
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Serenidad, you can do this!

It sounds like you have turned the corner in your own mind. That is what this will take... for you to be 100% committed and no matter what life throws at you, you WILL NOT drink.

You can do this, you have a strong will that will get stronger with sober time under your belt.

Like Freeowl said, fill your spare time with something constructive. Idle time is when we think about drinking during the early days.

I also kept a calendar of my sober days. I know some people don't like to count the days, but it helped me early on to be able to physically mark each day off in the morning. It helped build my confidence.

You can do this, lean on SR as often as you can. We are here for you!
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:21 PM
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If you ignore or (like I did chuckle at) the bashing, the concept of the beast and how he explains the AV and how to handle it is really helpful.
I have not read Many roads one journey, will have to check it out.
I just got Dharma Punx and I am now reading Refuge Recovery by Noah Levine.
One thing I had to learn was how to deal with frustrations, pain, anger and all the goodies without hitting the bottle. Drinking for me was a way to escape feeling bad.
I had to learn to process and deal with negative emotions (and getting over them) in a non destructive way.
For example, next time your teenager pisses you off how do you plan to handle it?
Since you mentioned exercise, an healthy alternative to drinking might be to put on your sneakers and go for a run... (that' s just a suggestion whatever works for you).
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:23 PM
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You're here and ready to roll! Good for you :-)
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:36 PM
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You can do this Serenidad!!
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