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Simply Terrified

Old 12-01-2014, 06:20 PM
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Simply Terrified

I lurked on this forum for four hours before finally joining then another four hours passed before I decided to post. My entire life since the age of 16 has been fairly booze soaked and everything in me is revulsed by the idea of shedding light on my problems. Ive spent the better part of the last 14 years desperately trying to downplay how much and how often I drank. To finally put it down into words is terrifying. I suppose I'm more of a binge drinker than some and haven't ever really been able to drink two days in a row even if only to get over a hangover, my body would just violently reject any alcohol. This has meant that a very large percentage of my life I have spent being terribly ill. I would say this is probably my number one reason I want to get sober, along with the fact that it contributes to terrible anxiety when not drunk. I probably blackout once a week and have frequent brownouts after even moderate drinking. I have never been honest with a health proffesional about my drinking nor with family or friends or even myself for that matter. I feel that this site will allow me to at least air out some of my thoughts and gain some insights into other peoples struggles and the techniques they use to stay sober. It feels like my drinking is a bit like some type of mould that prefers the dankness and darkness of silence and just by shining a light on it I can help to diminish it. This is my first serious attempt at getting sober. I've kinda made promises in my head before but never changed anything and as a result nothing changed. I think maybe I would like to check out an AA meeting, I'm extremely intimidated by the idea and was wondering for those of you who have been to one what should I expect? Is it possible to just go in listen and not participate. What was your first meeting like? I'm currently two days sober and can tell you my anxiety semi detoxed self feels like it would be the most painful thing in the world to do, but another part of me thinks that if it works for alot of people it cant hurt. My physical state as as far as detox right now is fairly mangeable. I managed to eat and keep down liquids today. I havent really left the couch. Minor shaking, very lethargic and a sense of impending doom. I know I can get through today but any tips for these next few days would be really appreciated. Thanks
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Old 12-01-2014, 06:24 PM
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Hi and welcome Peter

This is a great community - I think you'll be glad you posted. There's tons of support and understanding here

There's some great advice and wisdom here too - I've never 'done AA' but you'll hear from loads of members who have

Great to have you aboard
D
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Old 12-01-2014, 06:29 PM
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Welcome, Peter! Good to have you here.

Have you thought about going to see your doctor and being honest with him/her about your drinking? They can help you get through any withdrawals and sometimes, just talking to someone who can help is a huge relief.

I hope you'll hang around here and do a lot of reading and posting. It will help, and remember, you are not alone.
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Old 12-01-2014, 06:33 PM
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Peter, It's so good to meet you. You're never alone - you have us.

I felt the same as you when I was young. I chose to ignore the warning signs and just kept trying to control it. My life was torn apart because I couldn't imagine life without alcohol - yet it was bringing me nothing but misery. I don't know why I was so afraid to let go. There's a wonderful new life waiting for you - and you can get free. Please keep reading and posting - we're with you.
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Old 12-01-2014, 06:39 PM
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Hey Peter_819, A Big Welcome!!!
This is my first serious attempt at getting sober.
I think that you'll find this site to be helpful.

I was a bit silent about my consumption too. Even to my doc. However, looking back with what I know now, that might not have been too wise. Perhaps you might want to consider speaking to yours, which might aid in your goals.

Anyhow, I sort of get the gist that this might be your first time stopping. If so, spend some time in here reading a bit, which might help settle any concerns.

Anyhow, I think you'll be very glad that you've made this decision, and I do look forward to seeing you around here.


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Old 12-01-2014, 06:41 PM
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Peter, your story really resonated with me. For many years (over a decade, really) I hid how much I drank from everyone: family, friends, and even my current partner. I was a binger and also somewhat of a secret drinker, although I suspect that it was less of a secret than I thought it was to some in my life.

I, too, advocate speaking to your doctor. It was something that I did, and in fact, my doctor was really the first person to whom I really expressed my concerns about drinking. It felt safe given that she is a health professional and there is confidentiality there, and she also pointed me to some resources.

It does get so much better and sometimes faster than you could ever imagine. I'm inspired by your courage to take the first step!
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Old 12-01-2014, 07:31 PM
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Welcome to the forum
Great first step finding this place, check in often, read, post ,ask loads of advice and experience take advantage read around all the forums here.
Wish you well and hope to see you around
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Old 12-01-2014, 07:32 PM
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Welcome to the forum nice to meet you
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Old 12-01-2014, 07:39 PM
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Great Post - Thanks

All I can say is, I get it...the fear of going to the first AA meeting, etc.

You came here for help and needing to trust someone on what do do.

IMHO - You are spot on in your thoughts of going to a meeting, I was shaking and terrified to go, but was out of options.

They will allow you to listen - there is usually a minor introduction as they go around and introduce themselves. Most people just say I am ***** and I am an alcoholic. After that, you need never say another word if you don't want. Just sit, listen and take it in. There is a chance they may approach you after a meeting and extend a hand or chat to make sure you are okay... up to you if you chat or not.

Good luck on this journey - it can be wonderful
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Old 12-01-2014, 08:48 PM
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Peter I am 10 days sober. Your post gave me something I needed. You mentioned that "sense of impending doom." I so know what you are talking about. I lived with that daily. Your post made me stop and think I haven't felt that in a few days. Every day some little thing gets better, if I pay attention. You are on the right track. Ask for help and don't drink. Be well.
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:39 PM
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Xtreem has it right about going to a meeting. Nobody forces you to do or say anything. Some folks go for months and even years before contributing anything. There's nothing wrong with just listening as long as it helps you.

One thing you might enjoy by going to meetings is the feeling of being a part of something that is larger than just yourself. In my experience, there is definately a sense of fellowship at AA. Having that feeling of fellowship may be just what you need. There is nothing quite like real life recovery. SR is a good thing and I highly recommend it but it's not quite like real life recovery.
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:47 PM
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Hi Peter - welcome here - I'm glad you joined us.

It's normal to be scared to go to your first AA meeting. I think everyone was a bit terrified their first time.

AA meetings in my area start with a chair person welcoming everyone. They ask if there are any newcomers or visitors from another place. You don't have to say you're new if you don't want. Then someone reads the 12 steps. After that the chair person randomly points to a person and asks them to share. If you want to share you say, "I'm <name> and I'm an alcoholic". Everyone will say "Hi <name>" and then you can share about a topic if they have one or anything else you want to say. When you are done everyone will say "Thanks <name>" and the chair person points to another person. Some people say just a couple of sentences while others may talk for quite a bit longer. If you don't want to share, it's perfectly fine to pass. After you introduce yourself you can just say "I pass this evening" and everyone will say thanks to you and the chair person points to another person.

Meetings last about an hour and halfway through we have a bathroom and coffee break and then we start the second half with someone reading the 12 AA traditions. The point and talk format continues until we close.

Toward the end of the meeting they give out sobriety chips for people who want them for 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 1 year, 1 day, etc. Then we all stand up and hold hands and say the serenity prayer together and the meeting is over.

In my area after the meeting we also do a 1 year cake if there is a 1 year sobriety anniversary. If you are 1 year sober, you can bring a cake and get up to tell your story.
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:51 PM
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Welcome Peter! This is a great place to come. Any question you may have, there are lots of people that can relate and talk to. There is also a chat option if you want to talk to anyone online. It really helped me the first couple of months. Also there are some great stories of recovery that are really inspiring on a forum. I know that feeling of impending doom- it is intense at first but it does subside considerably over time. I've only been to AA once but I found the people to be really welcoming and supportive and willing to direct me with any questions I'd had.
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Old 12-01-2014, 09:59 PM
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I think at the beginning AA or NA is absolutely necessary for many people. You will find that you are not alone. Going to meetings helps you stop isolating yourself, gives you a fighting chance in wrapping your mind around what's been happening to you. You don't have to share but you'll probably find that you want to.

Also, check out Rational Recovery - it is for people who just want to make a Big Plan right away and never drink again. You could start with some meetings and work your way into making a Big Plan. That's what I did. It has worked well.
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Old 12-01-2014, 10:14 PM
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Welcome Peter. You're among friends here!
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Old 12-01-2014, 10:15 PM
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Wow! You express yourself & write SO well... Your thoughts are so cohesive, it is very apparent you have been contemplating this for a long time. Bravo. Keep writing!

This site is fabulous, very loving and supportive. What I love most is hearing from the long-time success people, as well (for me) heeding their warnings regarding what is or isn't safe to do.

Keep plugging in!
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Old 12-01-2014, 10:42 PM
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Thanks so much everybody it means so much to hear positive comments. I've always tried to be very self sufficient and only rely on myself to sort out my life, but it really helps knowing tha complete strangers care about your well-being. And it's been really great reading so many other posts. I found it has always easier to just think I was simply a weak willed, bad person everytime I drank instead of realising that other people struggle with the same issues and that there are techniques to change how you think and to ultimately live a fullfilled sober life. Change is always scary especially when you're giving up the warm, well worn blanket of booze for the unknown. But I'm beginning to realize that blanket only pulls you down deeper when you're trying to wade through life.
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Old 12-02-2014, 01:35 AM
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Welcome Peter! I think it is natural to be nervous about your first AA meeting. I was so nervous my first meeting I accidently found myself in a Cocaine Anonymous meeting they hold in the same building! You never have to share in a meeting if you don't want to. If called on you can always say "I am just here to listen." You don't even have to say "I am an alcoholic" if you don't want to. I would recommend going to at least three or four meetings to give it an honest try. Take what you want and leave the rest. If you want what the people there have then the next steps would be reading the book Alcoholics Anonymous (we call it the big book) and finding a sponsor to help you work the steps. For me AA did more than save my life. The people in AA taught me how to live because in 30 some odd years of life I had never bothered to learn. Keep coming back.
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Old 12-02-2014, 02:04 AM
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Welcome to SR Peter

Posts about "first meeting " come around on here pretty regularly.

I have yet to see a follow up post with any negative feedback.

I've been through the wringer too and I remember my first time.... Thinking "Oh my God, it's come to this "

But that's all in the past and done and dusted.

Best thing I ever did, so far as getting support to stop drinking.

Bender / blackout drinking is the pre-cursor to everyday drinking..... It doesn't get better drink wise, just worse.... Trust me on this one

Good luck with your decisions and recovery
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Old 12-02-2014, 02:13 AM
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That's understandable. Alcoholic or not, new people, places, things, routines are intimidating. I think for us its just extremely heightened. Every little step you make towards a sober life will give you confidence you never knew you had. In all honesty, the only thing terrifying to continue drinking. The end result is pure agony, embarrassment, pain, and most times extremely costly. Please see your doctor. Be 100% honest about what has been going on. Im glad you came here!
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