Been over a year since Checking in. Still having Major Problems
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Paul, we both know there's no timeframe, I mentioned in an earlier post I spent a year trying to figure it out, read the daily threads and you'll find loads of relapse threads, everyday people are struggling with their addiction.
People are posting because they care, it's the measure of what a supportive site SR is, people just want you to succeed and beat this and the only thing we have to share is our experiences and advice, but none of us are doctors and therapists, we can only call it how we see it, which warrants some grace from the original poster towards the varied responses.
SR is never going to turn anyone away who is struggling, I'd have been shown the door almost 2 years ago if that was the case, but as an online forum we're limited to only sharing experiences/advice/support!!
People are posting because they care, it's the measure of what a supportive site SR is, people just want you to succeed and beat this and the only thing we have to share is our experiences and advice, but none of us are doctors and therapists, we can only call it how we see it, which warrants some grace from the original poster towards the varied responses.
SR is never going to turn anyone away who is struggling, I'd have been shown the door almost 2 years ago if that was the case, but as an online forum we're limited to only sharing experiences/advice/support!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
A buddy of mine is an alcoholic, he's been one since a teenager. Last year he started working from home to avoid the commute and got sucked back in; pot, xanax and beer. One monday he came to, his house covered in empty beercans, a month's prescription of xanax used and 3 reciepts from the liquor store that he drove to over the weekend to get the beer. Didn't remember any of it. He also couldn't be bothered to go to the kitchen sink to fill his dog's water bowl, just poured him some beer too. The dog would drink it when he got really thirsty.
He called 911
3 numbers and its your way out. save your explanations and your plans till you're detoxed and a couple days sober.
He called 911
3 numbers and its your way out. save your explanations and your plans till you're detoxed and a couple days sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by purpleknight 
Paul, we both know there's no timeframe, I mentioned in an earlier post I spent a year trying to figure it out, read the daily threads and you'll find loads of relapse threads, everyday people are struggling with their addiction.
People are posting because they care, it's the measure of what a supportive site SR is, people just want you to succeed and beat this and the only thing we have to share is our experiences and advice, but none of us are doctors and therapists, we can only call it how we see it, which warrants some grace from the original poster towards the varied responses.
SR is never going to turn anyone away who is struggling, I'd have been shown the door almost 2 years ago if that was the case, but as an online forum we're limited to only sharing experiences/advice/support!!
People are posting because they care, it's the measure of what a supportive site SR is, people just want you to succeed and beat this and the only thing we have to share is our experiences and advice, but none of us are doctors and therapists, we can only call it how we see it, which warrants some grace from the original poster towards the varied responses.
SR is never going to turn anyone away who is struggling, I'd have been shown the door almost 2 years ago if that was the case, but as an online forum we're limited to only sharing experiences/advice/support!!
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Paul, you must understand the frustration some of the people trying to help you must be feeling, too. I know you don't want to be seen for what you have become, and it's easy to come here anonymously and spill your guts to people you don't have to look in the eye. I relied on that for a long time, too, and probably frustrated people just as much.
This site, and others like it, were the only place I could go to admit just how bad things had gotten, while I kept it all concealed out in the real world. But I have finally come to the point where I simply cannot do that anymore. Does it mean I'm running around confessing to everyone that I'm an alcoholic? Of course not, but it does mean I'm learning to surrender a little at a time and allow others to help me. That's the part that was missing.
I thought I could control it, too, but it can no longer be denied that I simply can't. If I could, I already would have long ago. It sounds to me like you are at that point, but you are still stubborn and headstrong enough to not just let go. People here really do have your best interest at heart. They are sincerely trying to help you, but it gets frustrating when you don't seem to hear them or want to listen and keep on doing what you've always been doing. Make sense?
This site, and others like it, were the only place I could go to admit just how bad things had gotten, while I kept it all concealed out in the real world. But I have finally come to the point where I simply cannot do that anymore. Does it mean I'm running around confessing to everyone that I'm an alcoholic? Of course not, but it does mean I'm learning to surrender a little at a time and allow others to help me. That's the part that was missing.
I thought I could control it, too, but it can no longer be denied that I simply can't. If I could, I already would have long ago. It sounds to me like you are at that point, but you are still stubborn and headstrong enough to not just let go. People here really do have your best interest at heart. They are sincerely trying to help you, but it gets frustrating when you don't seem to hear them or want to listen and keep on doing what you've always been doing. Make sense?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
I never admitted any such thing Paul.
I spent 15 years splashing about trying to find solid ground.
The last thing I would ever do is give up on anyone.
I got pretty vicious when my addiction got poked too, so I get it.
I'm not frustrated or angry. I was you for a long time
I'm sorry if my words hurt you, but I don;t know how else to give it to you but straight, pal.
I hope you'll read my post again when you're sober.
We, all of us, really are rooting for you Paul - You, not your addiction.
ps thanks for the promotion but I'm just an ordinary mod
D
I spent 15 years splashing about trying to find solid ground.
The last thing I would ever do is give up on anyone.
I got pretty vicious when my addiction got poked too, so I get it.
I'm not frustrated or angry. I was you for a long time
I'm sorry if my words hurt you, but I don;t know how else to give it to you but straight, pal.
I hope you'll read my post again when you're sober.
We, all of us, really are rooting for you Paul - You, not your addiction.
ps thanks for the promotion but I'm just an ordinary mod
D
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 267
Coming here and admitting stuff you've never admitted before is taking action, and it is a major (first) step. But I think it's easy to lull yourself with the thought that you've taken some action and nobody here wants to see that happen. Your drinking has reached dangerous levels and people are scared for you.
Everybody's time frame is different, and on one hand you've got all the time in the world left in front of you. On the other hand, if you don't take your next action pretty soon, not to be overly dramatic, but you may have less than you think. I don't have to tell you that vomiting straight bile every other day = not such a great sign.
You're young and athletic and will be resilient, but dude, you gotta turn this ship around. I know you know this but you've got to commit. As much as it sucks you'll probably need some help to get the ball rolling. Your body and mind have a lot of healing to do and it may be some time before you start to feel what we all know you can feel. Your parents may be alarmed and disappointed or whatever else to discover the true extent of things (or at least a truer extent ) but they sound loving and my guess is that they will be grateful to help you.
After some time to heal and regain your equilibrium without alcohol you'll see that there's hope. I can't think of a better 30th birthday present to yourself.
You're chasing the puck right now. Skate to where the puck is GOING to be. You've got some rough ice ahead of you but it's the only way you can get there. The ice you're on now is getting thinner by the day.
Everybody's time frame is different, and on one hand you've got all the time in the world left in front of you. On the other hand, if you don't take your next action pretty soon, not to be overly dramatic, but you may have less than you think. I don't have to tell you that vomiting straight bile every other day = not such a great sign.
You're young and athletic and will be resilient, but dude, you gotta turn this ship around. I know you know this but you've got to commit. As much as it sucks you'll probably need some help to get the ball rolling. Your body and mind have a lot of healing to do and it may be some time before you start to feel what we all know you can feel. Your parents may be alarmed and disappointed or whatever else to discover the true extent of things (or at least a truer extent
) but they sound loving and my guess is that they will be grateful to help you.After some time to heal and regain your equilibrium without alcohol you'll see that there's hope. I can't think of a better 30th birthday present to yourself.
You're chasing the puck right now. Skate to where the puck is GOING to be. You've got some rough ice ahead of you but it's the only way you can get there. The ice you're on now is getting thinner by the day.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by chicory
You sound stuck Paul. I know how that is.
how can you get unstuck, and do you want to?
how can you get unstuck, and do you want to?
Crazy Cat Lady
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 2,661
Paul, i can't read this thread anymore. It's too much for me. You're obviously not going to take any action besides venting here, pretending that doing that is a meaningful action towards your sobriety and getting pissy when people call you out on your BS. Your not getting honest. You say whatever you want whenever you want even if it contradicts something you've already said. Your a liar and the only person buying it is yourself. Good luck Paul. I hope you decide to quit playing around before your alcoholism kills you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
Originally Posted by DisplacedGRITS
Paul, i can't read this thread anymore. It's too much for me. You're obviously not going to take any action besides venting here, pretending that doing that is a meaningful action towards your sobriety and getting pissy when people call you out on your BS. Your not getting honest. You say whatever you want whenever you want even if it contradicts something you've already said. Your a liar and the only person buying it is yourself. Good luck Paul. I hope you decide to quit playing around before your alcoholism kills you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
Can I ask people to keep their comments constructive please?
This is a support forum.
If you're frustrated or done with the thread, fine...but there's really no call for an unsolicited character assessment on the way out.
D
This is a support forum.
If you're frustrated or done with the thread, fine...but there's really no call for an unsolicited character assessment on the way out.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Anchorage, AK
Posts: 391
This is an inside look in to an alcoholic. I appreciate your comments. Last night was a pretty rough night as I got a lot of feedback about me not listening or caring. Trust me, I'm listening and I appreciate the positive responses and all your personal stories. I might not be acting. But if I was mentally ready to commit to that I wouldn't need to be here. I come here knowing and admitting I'm bad off. It feels like a step to me. It feels like a giant step compared to hiding in my room, isolating myself, lying to myself, and having no accountability. Being here, even though as Dee puts it is just lip service seems so much better than being alone. I'm an alcoholic right now, I'm having trouble stopping, I'm arrogant, stubborn, sensitive, angry, happy, sad, etc. Grits made a great statement about me contradicting myself. To me that's what an alcoholic is. If I did exactly what I say I would not need to be here. I do contradict myself. You can see at the beginning of this thread I promised I was willing to get help and go to the doctor. I even made an appointment and cancelled it. I'm not happy that I'm so unreliable. I'm not sure what alcoholic is reliable.
I'm in the middle of alcoholism, no pity party, I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me or that I'm the only one with problems. To me this is helpful, even if people think I'm just talking to talk. Which makes no sense, because I would much rather talk on a site saying how awesome my life is than be here telling people I'm an alcoholic child who can't stop. I just don't know what to say to make me being here rational. When an alcoholic tells the truth it makes no sense. There is nothing I can say about what I'm doing that makes sense. I just felt this is a place where people understand that lack of logic. I don't know anyone who wants to be an alcoholic.
I came here 2 years ago. It was the best 4 months I've had in the past 3 years. Didn't accomplish sobriety, but learned a lot, had a new sense of direction. Things were going so good I didn't have these illogical thoughts to post. But things have gotten to that point again where my life is spiraling downhill. And after hiding for a year, I'm putting it all out there and letting not only strangers know but myself know how much more I've lost. I like being here. You might not think I care, but I would not be here if I didn't care and realized how important it is to stop. To me this feels like a big step even if it's not the step people want me make. I appreciate all the kind words from the majority of posters. You guys are great. I would not be here if I didn't want to hear your advice and stories even if I don't immediately act on them.
I failed again today. Another rough night and morning ahead. Got to try again tomorrow, there's nothing I can do about today. Really bummed out. Couldn't even accomplish one simple goal.
I'm in the middle of alcoholism, no pity party, I'm not asking for people to feel sorry for me or that I'm the only one with problems. To me this is helpful, even if people think I'm just talking to talk. Which makes no sense, because I would much rather talk on a site saying how awesome my life is than be here telling people I'm an alcoholic child who can't stop. I just don't know what to say to make me being here rational. When an alcoholic tells the truth it makes no sense. There is nothing I can say about what I'm doing that makes sense. I just felt this is a place where people understand that lack of logic. I don't know anyone who wants to be an alcoholic.
I came here 2 years ago. It was the best 4 months I've had in the past 3 years. Didn't accomplish sobriety, but learned a lot, had a new sense of direction. Things were going so good I didn't have these illogical thoughts to post. But things have gotten to that point again where my life is spiraling downhill. And after hiding for a year, I'm putting it all out there and letting not only strangers know but myself know how much more I've lost. I like being here. You might not think I care, but I would not be here if I didn't care and realized how important it is to stop. To me this feels like a big step even if it's not the step people want me make. I appreciate all the kind words from the majority of posters. You guys are great. I would not be here if I didn't want to hear your advice and stories even if I don't immediately act on them.
I failed again today. Another rough night and morning ahead. Got to try again tomorrow, there's nothing I can do about today. Really bummed out. Couldn't even accomplish one simple goal.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
Instead of simply trying again tomorrow why not reach within yourself, find that something extra and do something different?
It could be speaking with your parents, it could be seeing a Dr, it could be going to an AA meeting or making enquiries about rehab...
any one of those things could leave you in a vastly different place than where you are right now...all in 24 hours.
D
It could be speaking with your parents, it could be seeing a Dr, it could be going to an AA meeting or making enquiries about rehab...
any one of those things could leave you in a vastly different place than where you are right now...all in 24 hours.
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: England
Posts: 424
Originally Posted by pauladmits
I failed again today. Another rough night and morning ahead. Got to try again tomorrow, there's nothing I can do about today. Really bummed out. Couldn't even accomplish one simple goal.
I joined this site some months ago. It felt great venting and finally being able to admit I was an alcoholic (not great as in proud but a weight off my shoulders and an acknowledgement I have a problem). I stopped posting after about a week, thought I could slowly introduce alcohol back into my life and control it but I couldn't. I came back last month BUT I have also opened up to my doctor. I think that is the difference this time - I have the SR community but also support in my day to day life.
It's tough but believe in yourself. Get some assistance to overcome this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Paul, I get what your saying about the traits of an alcoholic, when we're drinking we're unreliable, we feed ourselves our own excuses and for a time are mentally incapable of changing our ways, or so it seems, as the addiction has us where it wants us, it's the nature of alcoholism.
But how then do we go from a world of chaos to something resembling recovering from our addiction, again I can only use my experience, but something within me at some point must have said, enough of this type of life, I'm simply not going to do it anymore, within a glimmer of rational thought one day I needed to have given myself a good talking to, within the haze of a hangover something must have given me the strength to try something new out, even if it was only blind optimism or the caffeine in my coffee that particular morning, what I personally did was join SR and reach out for help and support, which led to putting a proper plan of recovery in place, others found it within themselves to attend meetings, and many of us sought out a doctor, but where did that all suddenly come from?
So we can't simply resign ourselves to being stuck in the same position for the rest of eternity due to the reason of it can't be done, it must be able to be done, as many have taken a step, no matter how small, people are taking steps out of addiction, as humans we must have some overriding short circuit button, but it's not going to press itself, the first step can't be made by anyone other than the person with the addiction.
We gotta take a chance on something, a leap of faith, at the end of the day what have we really got to loose? going round and round in circles in a pattern of drinking/hangover will only produce the same results, you gotta take a deep breath and try something new and see where that takes you.
But how then do we go from a world of chaos to something resembling recovering from our addiction, again I can only use my experience, but something within me at some point must have said, enough of this type of life, I'm simply not going to do it anymore, within a glimmer of rational thought one day I needed to have given myself a good talking to, within the haze of a hangover something must have given me the strength to try something new out, even if it was only blind optimism or the caffeine in my coffee that particular morning, what I personally did was join SR and reach out for help and support, which led to putting a proper plan of recovery in place, others found it within themselves to attend meetings, and many of us sought out a doctor, but where did that all suddenly come from?
So we can't simply resign ourselves to being stuck in the same position for the rest of eternity due to the reason of it can't be done, it must be able to be done, as many have taken a step, no matter how small, people are taking steps out of addiction, as humans we must have some overriding short circuit button, but it's not going to press itself, the first step can't be made by anyone other than the person with the addiction.
We gotta take a chance on something, a leap of faith, at the end of the day what have we really got to loose? going round and round in circles in a pattern of drinking/hangover will only produce the same results, you gotta take a deep breath and try something new and see where that takes you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Paul, the only thing I can add here, is that you will soon be extremely ill from physical stomach issues that are caused by the constant vomiting and a daily diet of vodka.
Your esophagus, throat, teeth and lower GI tract cannot survive the acid that your body is manufacturing.
You can look up the picture of your enlarged liver on the internet yourself. Your muscle tissue cannot either and your brain cells are dying off. When was the last time you had a sober period?
You can turn this around, but you gotta be honest with a professional. Your doctor treats many, this is nothing personal. He won't divulge your exam information to anyone, it will just be between you and him.
Dare to imagine sleeping well and waking up feeling good, eating a real breakfast instead of puking and a raging headache.
Your esophagus, throat, teeth and lower GI tract cannot survive the acid that your body is manufacturing.
You can look up the picture of your enlarged liver on the internet yourself. Your muscle tissue cannot either and your brain cells are dying off. When was the last time you had a sober period?
You can turn this around, but you gotta be honest with a professional. Your doctor treats many, this is nothing personal. He won't divulge your exam information to anyone, it will just be between you and him.
Dare to imagine sleeping well and waking up feeling good, eating a real breakfast instead of puking and a raging headache.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Paul,
I commend you for being here. I am sure there are a lot of sites where you could be hanging around on, like my son does when he is drinking.
I wish he was hanging around here in hopes of getting help. Dont let anyone discourage you from being here. It may save your life.
Can you make a doctor appointment ?
hugs
I commend you for being here. I am sure there are a lot of sites where you could be hanging around on, like my son does when he is drinking.
I wish he was hanging around here in hopes of getting help. Dont let anyone discourage you from being here. It may save your life.
Can you make a doctor appointment ?
hugs
Left the bottle behind 4/16/2015
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: NC
Posts: 1,416
Originally Posted by Needinghelp82
I'm very new into this (day 26) but something about the above jumped out at me.
I joined this site some months ago. It felt great venting and finally being able to admit I was an alcoholic (not great as in proud but a weight off my shoulders and an acknowledgement I have a problem). I stopped posting after about a week, thought I could slowly introduce alcohol back into my life and control it but I couldn't. I came back last month BUT I have also opened up to my doctor. I think that is the difference this time - I have the SR community but also support in my day to day life.
It's tough but believe in yourself. Get some assistance to overcome this.
I joined this site some months ago. It felt great venting and finally being able to admit I was an alcoholic (not great as in proud but a weight off my shoulders and an acknowledgement I have a problem). I stopped posting after about a week, thought I could slowly introduce alcohol back into my life and control it but I couldn't. I came back last month BUT I have also opened up to my doctor. I think that is the difference this time - I have the SR community but also support in my day to day life.
It's tough but believe in yourself. Get some assistance to overcome this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: East Coast, The States
Posts: 12,162
Hi Paul,
You are right,
in that complete acceptance of how things are,
(feeling helpless in the face of your addiction and all,)
is often required right before making a change.
Surrendering to the truth is a good move in a healthy direction.
You are right,
in that complete acceptance of how things are,
(feeling helpless in the face of your addiction and all,)
is often required right before making a change.
Surrendering to the truth is a good move in a healthy direction.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,436
Originally Posted by Fandy
Paul, the only thing I can add here, is that you will soon be extremely ill from physical stomach issues that are caused by the constant vomiting and a daily diet of vodka.
Your esophagus, throat, teeth and lower GI tract cannot survive the acid that your body is manufacturing.
You can look up the picture of your enlarged liver on the internet yourself. Your muscle tissue cannot either and your brain cells are dying off. When was the last time you had a sober period?
You can turn this around, but you gotta be honest with a professional. Your doctor treats many, this is nothing personal. He won't divulge your exam information to anyone, it will just be between you and him.
Dare to imagine sleeping well and waking up feeling good, eating a real breakfast instead of puking and a raging headache.
Your esophagus, throat, teeth and lower GI tract cannot survive the acid that your body is manufacturing.
You can look up the picture of your enlarged liver on the internet yourself. Your muscle tissue cannot either and your brain cells are dying off. When was the last time you had a sober period?
You can turn this around, but you gotta be honest with a professional. Your doctor treats many, this is nothing personal. He won't divulge your exam information to anyone, it will just be between you and him.
Dare to imagine sleeping well and waking up feeling good, eating a real breakfast instead of puking and a raging headache.
I was also crapping blood and if you touched my side or liver area I would flinch in pain.
My belly got bloated and blood vessels would sometimes burst in my eyes from puking.
I had always been a lean athlete and thought my body could take anything.
and it did, for a very long time.
You mentioned loss of stamina in hockey. I used to run 15 miles without thinking about it or load hay bales for hours in the hot sun. That all stopped.
But within a month of quitting, I was in crossfit and I lost 40 pounds in eight months.
Within a year of stopping, I could deadlift 11/2 times my heaviest weight, and wield a shovel for hours again.
So you can get it back, but not if you wait too long.
I wasn't far from being put in a hospital bed when I stopped.
Don't do that to yourself.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to be back playing hockey again?
This crap can really kill you or ruin your health for good.
I dodged a bullet but it was only possible when I went to the doctor and got
real about getting my liver tested and the amounts I was drinking.
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Even the head Mod Dee is basically admitting I'm a lost cause.
Anyway, why don't you join us at the 24 hours recovery connection where we commit not to drink or drug for the next 24 hours. Before you know, those days do add up
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-4-a.html
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