pauladmits

Just checking in. I know people don't think this helps me, but it seriously does. Even though they are little choices, it is a start. Last night I had a choice of opening a pint of vodka under my bed. It's what I've been doing and if I drank that last night I would have been destroyed today. Do I feel great right now? Absolutely not, but I would be puking my guts out if I made that decision. I can work, think clearly and understand that today is another day I can get better. I plan on calling my doc again tomorrow. We'll see how that goes, but being here is not just lip service, I do make choices I would not make if I were hiding from here. It might not be everything some of you want, but any choice I make that fights my urge to drink, including coming here feels like a major step in a better direction. Might not be the right direction, but it definitely feels better. Last night I made my post, read some responses and made a real decision to go to sleep and not open the bottle. Small potatoes in the grand scheme but that's why I feel this site helps, even if it's just little things. Thank you all for the support.

Carlotta

Good, now the next right choice is to get rid of that pint of vodka under your bed.
Dump it down the toilet and flush then sign up at the Connections and commit not to drink for the next day.

Fandy

Better yet, call the doctor's office today....you are 7 hours behind us, of course they are open....what are you gaining by NOT CALLING, just putting it off?

OK, I cannot do anything more here, it is frustrating for me. I wish you the best and look forward to reading that you are moving forward and really getting sober, not just sleeping with a vodka bottle under the bed. that is very sad, even if it is unopened. you cannot romanticize your alcoholism, it doesn't work here. We all have glimpses "into the life of an alcoholic", we have lived it too.

Life is a terrible thing to waste, many people would cut off their thumbs to have a chance to be healthy, wealthy and wise along with turning age 30.

pauladmits

Thanks Fandy. Sorry for not doing enough for you. I'm going to keep trying regardless. And to be honest I wasn't romanticizing drinking. There is no significance to alcohol under the bed, I could have easily put it in the closet, the garage, or hid it in the freezer. I just don't want my parents to see it. You've been helpful all along. Thanks again.

Carlotta

Yes there is: it means you have a very bad problem with alcohol. Normal people do not hide their booze from their loved ones. If you were not an alcoholic, you might (or might not) keep a bottle or a six pack in the fridge without worrying about other people.
Hiding alcohol is a VERY significant indicator of alcoholism. I live alone so I did not worry about hiding my beer cans but I would recycle them at 3 am in the neighboring church's recycle bin.
This is NOT normal.
Normal people have or have not alcohol in the house either in the fridge or in a cabinet and have no problem putting empties in their own recycling bin at an appropriate hour.

pauladmits

Never said it was normal just said it had no significance to romanticizing the drink. And I don't hide beer or wine, my parents just don't like hard alcohol and would know I have a problem if I left the bottles in plain site. I know how much this site frowns on romanticizing the drink and just wanted to clarify that was not what I meant.

Anna

Hi Paul,

The frustration you're seeing from our members is because we know how simple and yet, how hard it is to stop drinking. We all want to see you regain your health and enjoy your life. We know you can do it, because we've done it.

Get rid of the alcohol in your room, call your dr today and stop drinking today. We're here for you.

KAD

We're on two opposite sides of this issue, Paul. On your side, you are feeling somewhat pleased that you are at least coming here and opening up to total strangers, anonymously, about what you've been doing to yourself. I can sympathize with that because I was once in the same position and did the same thing. On the other side are those of us who know you are playing with fire. You are literally toying with your own life, or at least your health, and we want very much for you to take some action in the real world to get your drinking under control. We don't want to see happen to you what we all know could (and will) happen if you don't. We're not trying to irritate or browbeat you, we're trying to help you and there comes a point when talking about it just doesn't do enough to help it anymore.

pauladmits

I hear ya Anna. You know I'm always trouble. Although 99% of the comments are very supportive and just honest people looking out for another. I'll always rub some people the wrong way here. I just think I have a misunderstanding of the point of this forum. If I wanted to go to AA, rehab, detox, tell my parents, and just seamlessly change I would and wouldn't need this site because I wouldn't be drinking alcohol. I could just come here and tell people all my success stories. I come here because I'm not ready mentally to make those steps. To me this site for the non-recovered is a start towards recovery. I might not recover tomorrow or a week or year from now. But the only thing I know is it feels so much better putting it out there than living isolated and ignoring it. Like making simple goals about not drinking to the point where I throw up is a start. Is there a part of me that wants to just give it all up and go get help, yes. I obviously want some kind of help since I'm here. If I was as arrogant and stubborn and unwilling as some think I honestly would not be here. It's alcoholism. It's obviously not easy for some to stop. I try to provide an honest description of what I'm thinking and that is all. Has absolutely nothing to do with ignoring people or not listening. Trying something as simple as coming to this site is far better than living through this alone.

pauladmits

I didn't read this until I submitted my last message. But you make a very good point. My only question is, if you just choose not to get help tomorrow is the purpose of being here over? Like doing every thing everyone has suggested, that is a drastic change in my life. Especially if I go to rehab and have to take off from work. I mean it just seems so tough to make that decision. And I understand many people here have done that and have succeeded, but I just can't imagine people made the choice like it was going to the grocery store, or did so because someone told them too. Like do they kick you out of AA if you keep coming back and failing?

PurpleKnight

Paul, all I want you to do, is something different from today, that's it, like my last post, small steps man, that's all I had to cling onto, I hadn't a clue what I was doing, but I took small steps, if you can look back 24hrs from now and say I've made progress, then all of SR will be happy for you I have no doubt!!

You can do this man, but make those small steps!!

Dee74

Getting help and committing to change was perhaps the hardest thing I've ever done.

But not doing something life affirming because it's hard is not an reasonable excuse for not doing something.

D

KAD

No, I'd say you'd always be welcome here, but we'll likewise always be frustrated if you continue to waffle about actually doing what needs to be done to get the drinking under control. We won't just be satisfied with what you apparently feel satisfied with for the moment. Know what I mean? It's give and take.

pauladmits

Makes perfect sense. Sometimes it's difficult to comprehend another perspective. I get what you are saying though. Like when I'm playing Halo with my 7 year old nephew and I'm being killed by 3 dudes and he's just running in circles! I'm like "Dude, can't you make better decisions, you're killing me here!!!"

JaylaaKent

Drinking isn't really considered a "problem" until it comes a problem for most alcoholics. We tend to ride the train as LONG as we can. If you are being honest in your posts - it will become a problem, you just aren't there yet. Keep doing what you're doing, and you will be there - but no one can say when, even you don't know when you will have had enough. For some it's a DUI, divorce, losing a job, intervention - or just plain tired of it. Hope you find yours sooner than later. Best of luck.

DayTrader

Just so you know Paul, I won't be frustrated. Then again, I understand alcoholism (vs having a drinking problem) and I've been through recovery in addition to simply "being dry."

Alcoholism, form the stats I see, still kills more ppl than those who recover from it. We all have a threshold of pain and some are able to say OUCH faster and make the necessary changes in their life. I don't think it's my job, responsibility nor my duty to try and convince you that you need to make those changes. You're smart enough to know for yourself if you're in need and, more importantly, if you're willing. I know any alkie worth his or her salt is beyond being scared by me to take a course of action they don't feel like taking.

Anytime ppl coughed up advice I could write if on in about 3 seconds as unnecessary, stupid, not right for super-special-me, or I'd go find someone else to tell me the other advice was crap and instead of abc I should do xyz. Basically I wanted it to LOOK like I was reaching out for help but really I was just looking for attention.

Help is available and though you'll likely doubt it just as i did, your life can take a 180 and get so cool you won't be able to fathom why you waited so long and/or fought it as much as you did. On the other hand, you can also potentially live a crappy life like I did for the last 5 or so years of my drinking and nothing will change......you just have a Groundhog's Day like repeat of one sad/pitiful/useless day, over and over.....and maybe you get to live that hell for another 20.......30........40 years. Alternatively, you could always drink yourself to death (as many alcoholics do) or just ffwd to mulling suicide over day after day because nothing seems to work and you can't take another day like this. Only problem is, you never muster up the balls to go through with it so you just live in a nightmare. That's pretty close to what I did. Made it 5 years or so like that....maybe 7.

Whatever you decide is up to you and though I hope you have the courage to choose recovery, I won't feel like you let me down if you don't. That's on you, not me.....not us. Recovery is a "we" deal, for sure......but there's a whole boat-load of stuff you're just gonna have to do....stuff "we" can't do for you. When you're willing to make some changes.....and put your actions where your mouth is.....it generally starts getting a whole lot better pretty quickly.

flyboy7200

Hey Paul- come home, we need you badly to be with us.

DisplacedGRITS

I really had to search my heart and decide whether or not to post here again but i feel like i need to say something. Paul, whenever someone calls you out about delaying seeking help and cancelling appointments and encouraging you to throw out your booze tonight, you retaliate by posting passive aggressive comments about being sorry for not recovering in someone else's timeframe. I think you know that's not the message that's being sent. What's going on here is that many people are finding watching you struggle and refuse to get help frustrating and sad beyond what they can endure. When we tell you to throw out the alcohol or call your doctor, we are asking you to do this for yourself, not us. It's not about our timeframe. It's about the dwindling sands left in your hourglass. We just want you to save your own life before you die.

You seem to think that your struggles with alcoholism and sobriety are more difficult than the struggles of anyone here. We didn't just get sober. We didn't just stop drinking. We didn't just stop being alcoholics. Every one of us have struggled enormously in a unique, yet amazingly similar way. Every one of us have had to fight tooth and nail for a sober hour at times. We have bled and fought and struggled and screamed for sobriety. For whatever precious piece of serenity we've been able to carve out of life as an alcoholic. No one is asking you to do something they haven't done and no one is measuring their struggles against yours. You are unique in some ways but more similar to us in your suffering from alcoholism than you seem willing to admit. At the core of it, you are just like us. Don't die from terminal uniqueness. See that we are offering you what has been offered to us. See that we have been put on the path of recovery by following the clear direction of those who forged the path before us.

I don't know how to get through to you, Paul. I love you too much to spare you feelings at risk of your life. I love you because you are so very much like me. Strangers on the internet were the first people i connected with about my alcoholism. They were the first ones to understand my disease and love me until i could love myself. I've screwed up and they've forgiven me. I've been arrogant and they stuck to the truth until i became willing to accept it. They never lied to me. They never sugarcoated sobriety. These people, many of whom have posted in here, were there for me when i was at my absolute worst. They piled their guidance and hope upon me until i nearly suffocated from it. When i finally put my faith in these people, my heart and mind opened up and gobbled up all that guidance and hope and i stood up surrounded in the clear air for the first time in forever. I owe my life to Sober Recovery. I hope you will owe your life to this fellowship as well.

hokey

" I'm taking this more as a challenge to fight alcohol rather than run from it. I know this is the last thing I should be saying, but my goal is not to completely eliminate it from my life and tell myself I will never drink again. My goal is to eliminate it from the majority of my life and get back to a balance. This probably has a 99% chance of failing, but I want to try the challenge at least and fail before I completely throw in the towel and go get some serious help."

I think it's time to throw in the towel. Please get some help, Paul.

pauladmits

It's hanging out of the back pocket. I'm much closer than I was 2 years ago.