pauladmits

Thank you for your kind post deeker! There is a positive to all of this. We have a family that loves us and when we "really" need them, they are there. I just got to stop using them for things I can do myself!

pauladmits

Nights are always the worst. My impulses to contact my ex is tearing me apart. But I KNOW it's the right thing to stay away! I have to fix my own problems and stop using people to comfort me. But it's sooooooooooo hard!! I just don't know where to start... any suggestions?

Michael66

Many people have found AA an excellent start, Paul.

Are you ready, yet, to reach out to local people, who have suffered the same curse of alcoholism, who can support you face to face?

I think now is the time for you to turn words and thoughts into action.

tomsteve

look at the bright side: you'll be able to live all them years over again. i was mentally 13 ish when i stopped drinking, so im about 21 today!

Hevyn

I agree - we put our emotional growth on hold when we numb ourselves. I figure I'm just now entering my 30's.

I think you're getting somewhere Paul - good stuff being brought up on this thread.

pauladmits

Wow!! I think I a major breakthrough last night! And the craziest thing was it had nothing to do with alcohol. This will seem childish, but I'm going for it anyways. I'm absolutely obsessing over my ex gf. Even though I don't like hanging out with her and I understand the relationship needs to end. Just like I understand that I have to pay my bills or I shouldn't gamble all my money away, or I need to stop drinking. But I keep doing it over and over and over again, no matter how destructive it is to my life.

So last night I was about to Facebook stalk my ex and figure out if she did anything over the weekend. Then my heart sank, the second I thought of what I might find. What if she has a picture posted of her partying with friends? What if she's "in a relationship". What if her profile pic is of her and some other dude? I almost got in a panic attack over it.

Then I started thinking objectively. Like what is the real situation here? She is a human being. What do I expect her to do? She doesn't have a boyfriend, she's gonna go out, have some fun, post pictures of all the fun she's having. She's going to want to go on dates with new people and meet new guys. That's just what humans do. So why does it bother me so much??

And then the lightbulb finally clicked!! Objectively I know she's gonna go out and have fun, I know she is going to find another guy. That makes sense to me. But why am I so afraid of seeing it?? And then I realized, it's about me, not about her. It's what I will feel about myself if I see her living life. It will confirm to me that I'm worthless and no one can love me. It will make me realize that I'm not having fun, that I don't like myself. I just completely mix up the real world with the metaphysical world.

I keep thinking (or feeling) that I need other people to fix me, that other people need to tell me what to do, what to eat, pay my bills, buy me clothes. I obsess over her because I believe she's the key to my happiness, that without her I'm lonely and worthless. But it's crazy that it didn't connect before. I thought I needed her because I was lonely and worthless, not that I needed to stop being lonely and worthless. It never connected in my head that I need to be me, I need to look in the mirror and I like what I see!! Not for anyone else, not to prove to my gf or all my past friends that "look what I have, look what I've become"... but to myself! I need to have pride in who I am! Alcohol damages my body, it damages my brain... why would I do that to my self?? Why do I waste all my hard earned money gambling?? It makes sense now. This has been about me feeling like I need people the entire time, I felt the only way I can be happy is if someone makes me happy!

Wow!! Day 1, no alcohol starts today. My life is worth living and I'm going to give every ounce of my being to start making myself like myself. Paul meet Paul... game time!

pauladmits

It makes so much sense now! Why I sit here talking about how damaging alcohol is to me yet I can't say I'm going to stop. I can't make that decision, because my body is conditioned to have other people do stuff for me and make the decisions for me. But since no one can jump in my body and stop me from drinking, I was just waiting for someone to stop it. I kind of felt like it wasn't in my control... that I don't have control over whether I drink or not. That someone has to jump in my body and literally stop me from drinking! This is insane! I have control over my body! I make the decisions on what I want to do with my own body!!

tomsteve

sounds like me. i spent many years wanting people to take care of my life, yet telling others how they needed to manage theirs. found out not too many people like to be a babysitter for an adult who was capable of doing the footwork himself yet too dam selfish and selfcentered to do it.
what it took for me was my then fiance throwin me out. thats when i saw that alcohol and me were the common denominators in every problem in my life, which my life was only an existance until then. thats when i finally admitted to myself i needed help learning how to live.
still learning today, but what an awesome journey!

good to see ya using the 2nd part of yer user name,paul!

we didnt get back together either. lokin back, im glad we didnt. she wanted to marry me, so she wasnt too healthy either.

WhyIsThisMyLife

I have thoughts of worthlessness and I will always be lonely. I'm trying to learn to disassociate myself from such negative thoughts, utilizing meditation. They are just thoughts not me. One reason I want to disassociate from my thoughts is I would have bad and lonely weekends, because I would sit at home "thinking" all around me, people were partying and having a good time while I sat home alone. It would be the thoughts that depressed me, I'd realize I would be going throughout my normal day until up those thoughts. Everyone is having a good time, but me.

pauladmits

I'm the exact same way! But what I'm learning is those thoughts of people having fun isn't about people having fun, it's about me not happy enough with myself to have fun. And the other unhealthy thought process that comes with this, is you start forcing yourself to have "fun" to try to overcompensate. So I go to parties with my friends, take pictures with them, put them on facebook, I even hiked a mountain one time so I can post the pictures on facebook so my ex at the time can see how much "fun" I was having.

But none of it was fun. I was still hurting on the inside, I still hated myself. And I'm realizing now that I don't do anything for myself, I don't like myself, I don't like who I have become. So even if I go out, it's still a fraud because that's not the real core issue of my problem. I'm using others, alcohol, drugs, etc to mask what the real problems are. BUT, this is all in retrospect, I distorted what my problems were and what the solutions to the problem is. Right now I have to learn how to like myself and stop worrying so much about what others think about me. Stop putting on a show to act as if my life is great and I'm special. I'm not, I hate who I am... but I never connected the dots on how to change that. I feel like now I can just be me and I can go out and do things that I want to do that make me happy with myself!

pattyj

Have you looked into an outpatient program? Since you work, you must have some kind of insurance.
I had nothing legally happen to me with my drinking but my boyfriend was tired of it, it was ruining my relationship, I hated going to work, I didn't lilke AA. Outpatient forces you to be sober and to be completely honest. You are also required to go to meetings. It's a lot of work but it may be the thing that saves you.
If you put energy into getting better, then your girlfriend may take you back. If not, then at least you are doing this for yourself.
At least see what your insurance says. Go see your primary doctor and be completely honest. The beginning stages of recovery absolutely suck and most days I want to throw in the towel. But I am so glad that I am doing this at age 30 instead of 10, 20, 30 years later. Think of the life you can make for yourself once you get over this hurdle.

pauladmits

Alright, starting to feel this process out and recognize sign after sign of how destructive my behaviors are! One thing I learned today is how bad my self esteem is. I'm probably 20-30 pounds overweight. I mean I'm 6'1, 240... so it's not too bad. BUT, I literally hate my body. I have a goal weight in mind that I have had for 6 years to be under 200 pounds. And what's crazy was 3 years ago, I ballooned up to like 275 lbs. And someone at work bet me $1,000 that I couldn't lose 50 lbs in a 60 days. After that bet, I quit drinking for 45 days, I lost 74.5 lbs and instead of accomplishing my goal and getting under 200 lbs, I quit the next day. I started drinking again and the cycle started all over. It's like I sabotage my life on purpose because I don't want to feel good about myself or that maybe I knew once I reached the goal that nothing would change.

Wait a second... Maybe I didn't want to break 200 lbs because I knew after all those years of fantasizing about how good my life would be and how many girls would love me, I knew that on the other side of 200 would not make my life any better. I would still hate myself, girls would still hate me, guys would still look better than me, etc. Maybe subconsciously I knew there wasn't happiness on the other side of 200. Maybe I feel there is no happiness if I stop drinking. In my head I feel like if I stop drinking I'd be able to get under 200, I'd be able to stop gambling so I can buy a big house, travel the world and post pictures all over facebook to show everyone how good my life is! Maybe I know I'll still hate myself after I stop drinking.

This is interesting stuff here. I noticed after my work out today that the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was weigh myself to see if I was closer to my perfect weight where everyone would start loving me. Then I realized, that is the problem. I don't need to weigh myself, I don't need to reach these goals for other people. Working out made my body feel good, it made my mind feel good! That is all that matters. It's something that makes ME feel good. I want my body to feel good. I want my mind to feel good. I'm not drinking today because I don't want to feel bad. Not because it will make other people like me more. I've been striving for all the wrong goals. This feels empowering... it feels like I have some control and that I made a new best friend! I feel like I can do anything I want now! Damn, I realize I have deep rooted problems, but this feels amazing.

LosingmyMisery

This is what I would suggest. Go back and read all your threads and old posts. What has changed in your life and what hasn't? What can you do, this time around, differently? Your problem is the same and the advice will be the same. Read and compare who you were then and who you are now. You got plenty of good healthy advice, but when you got to feeling pretty good and things improved, you chose to do it your way. Trust me when I say, that is very much the norm. I did the very same thing so don't feel bad about it.

There definitely was a pattern in your ups and downs in your threads. Life will be filled with ups and downs. The key in succeeding is in how we handle them. For me, drinking is never an option. It will always, always, make matters worse. Until you can accept that, things will remain the same or get worse. My experience, things got worse. When I thought they couldn't get any worse, they did and they will.

I think many of us feel the same as you, I have more time to drink. Well, for me, it got ugly, really ugly and I'm lucky and grateful I'm alive.

Do yourself a favor and stop now. You are young and you get get a grasp on this and have a happy life. Or...you can continue to drink and reek havoc on your life and be miserable. History has a way of repeating itself. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Glad to have you back and my best wishes go out to you. Hugs...

HitRockBottom70

Paul welcome back.
Not drinking today is a great place to start. I know quitting and staying quit was the only way I could work to make my life happier and more fulfilling. I am so glad to see you posting again!

deeker

That's awesome!

Maybe it would be best you start slow , every journey begins with a single step. Mow the lawn, take out the trash, pick the restaurant. You are just having this revelation and you don't want to overwhelm yourself or set yourself up for failure. Plus maybe financially it is beneficial to live with M and D. But it's awesome that you are recognizing these things and believe me you did it a lot sooner than I did. I went right from daddy's arms into the safe arms of my hubby. Who also took care of me, cooked, laundry etc.

Embarrasing to say this but it is true. But really Paul, take it slow and one day at a time. Just worry about today. I can see you jumping at the bit and it's awesome your enthusiam but it'll happen. Don't set to high expectations of yourself, set daily reachable goals which will bring you to your ultimate goal in time. God Bless !

Michael66

Hi Paul,

Have you considered a 12 step approach? It will give you another viewpoint other than introspection and psychological analysis, as it largely focusses on the impact our drinking has on others. If we get that sorted (by abstinence and doing what we can to repair the hurt to loved ones and others) then our own welfare and self-worth often sorts itself out.

raku

I do care if you do not feel well...that is of circumstance and your own will, and maybe not thinking of your "own" best "will" first...I was very well taken care of, as a child, and well into my adulthood...this has come to past....fathers and mothers have died, and I have been given whatever grace they had to impart. It was a gift, free of charge. I realize it is a choice for me to give back to myself and to others. Be that as an emport to 're-covery' in your future !

Cindy

Cindy

Zebra1275

I went to a psychiatrist recently and she diagnosed me with ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bi-Polar II.

I'd get a second opinion. You might not be any of these things. You might just be an alcoholic.

And if that's the case, the good news is that there is a solution that has worked for many people who considered themselves hopeless. That solution, and what worked for me, is AA. Try 90 meetings in 90 days, get a sponsor and work the steps like you life depended on it (because it might). What have you got to lose?

Minutetherelost

Shaun thank you, thank you, thank you. The clarity with which you communicated this heavy idea is incredible.

I've tried for many times throughout the years to stop and at 25 I'm ready for it. I began drinking as a result of low self worth and continue to beat myself up on a daily basis at each and every mistake, both present and past.

I thought my desire to BASE Jump, etc etc was purely related to the adrenaline rush but then realised the lack of fear is because I don't really mind what happens to me.

Meeting a girl recently changed all that. She is the most beautiful thing in the owlrd and I want to get better so I can share my life with her.

Your strategy will help. It's not about doing it for her, it's about making myself feel good. I think the rest will come.

Thank you again.

Michael66

Paul,

Never give up giving up.

Look after yourself.