Alright, starting to feel this process out and recognize sign after sign of how destructive my behaviors are! One thing I learned today is how bad my self esteem is. I'm probably 20-30 pounds overweight. I mean I'm 6'1, 240... so it's not too bad. BUT, I literally hate my body. I have a goal weight in mind that I have had for 6 years to be under 200 pounds. And what's crazy was 3 years ago, I ballooned up to like 275 lbs. And someone at work bet me $1,000 that I couldn't lose 50 lbs in a 60 days. After that bet, I quit drinking for 45 days, I lost 74.5 lbs and instead of accomplishing my goal and getting under 200 lbs, I quit the next day. I started drinking again and the cycle started all over. It's like I sabotage my life on purpose because I don't want to feel good about myself or that maybe I knew once I reached the goal that nothing would change.
Wait a second... Maybe I didn't want to break 200 lbs because I knew after all those years of fantasizing about how good my life would be and how many girls would love me, I knew that on the other side of 200 would not make my life any better. I would still hate myself, girls would still hate me, guys would still look better than me, etc. Maybe subconsciously I knew there wasn't happiness on the other side of 200. Maybe I feel there is no happiness if I stop drinking. In my head I feel like if I stop drinking I'd be able to get under 200, I'd be able to stop gambling so I can buy a big house, travel the world and post pictures all over facebook to show everyone how good my life is! Maybe I know I'll still hate myself after I stop drinking.
This is interesting stuff here. I noticed after my work out today that the first thing I wanted to do when I got home was weigh myself to see if I was closer to my perfect weight where everyone would start loving me. Then I realized, that is the problem. I don't need to weigh myself, I don't need to reach these goals for other people. Working out made my body feel good, it made my mind feel good! That is all that matters. It's something that makes ME feel good. I want my body to feel good. I want my mind to feel good. I'm not drinking today because I don't want to feel bad. Not because it will make other people like me more. I've been striving for all the wrong goals. This feels empowering... it feels like I have some control and that I made a new best friend! I feel like I can do anything I want now! Damn, I realize I have deep rooted problems, but this feels amazing.