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Alcohol continues to destroy my life!!

Old 05-05-2013, 09:37 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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"For most normal folks, drinking means convivi- ality, companionship and colorful imagination. It means release from care, boredom and worry. It is joyous intimacy with friends and a feeling that life is good. But not so with us in those last days of heavy drinking. The old pleasures were gone. They were but memories. Never could we recapture the great moments of the past. There was an insistent yearning to enjoy life as we once did and a heartbreaking obses- sion that some new miracle of control would enable us to do it. There was always one more attempt—and one more failure.

The less people tolerated us, the more we withdrew from society, from life itself. As we became subjects of King Alcohol, shivering denizens of his mad realm, the chilling vapor that is loneliness settled down. It thickened, ever becoming blacker. Some of us sought out sordid places, hoping to find understanding com- panionship and approval. Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair. Unhappy drinkers who read this page will understand!"

Chapter 11 AA "A vision for you"
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:18 AM
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Anchorage Area Intergroup AAIG - AA Alaska Style

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We've been able to stay stopped!

So can you! Inspire your mom again.

Hugs,
~SB
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Old 05-05-2013, 10:45 AM
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Paul

I can only echo what the others have said. It's an exercise in pointlessness taking meds if you're still drinking. You might as well flush them down the toilet for all the good they'll do.
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Old 05-05-2013, 12:00 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Thank you all for your replies. I just got up and the hangover is brutal right now. I want to get alcohol out of my life, that's all I know at this point. How I'm going to accomplish that, I'll work on it. I'll respond later when I can get this headache and depression out of my head. Dealing with this breakup is not helping. There is nothing I want more than to contact my ex and beg for her back. But I know I just want something to cure this pain and that I'd be using her for my own selfish reasons. I just got to suffer and start taking ownership for my decisions and stop using others to "cure" me. Ughhhh... alright, well I truly do appreciate the responses and the help. I'm trying to stop thinking so black and white and understanding criticism or people making comments that I necessarily "don't like" is not the end of the world. Thanks again.
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Old 05-05-2013, 01:48 PM
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Thumbs up Moving on UP

Yes, very hard to let go. Thank you for sharing your story, it is therapeutic.

All I have to do is think about your mess, then I remember that I am just starting to crawl out of a hole and have a long ways to go myself.

I've been to one or two AA meetings with my inlaw, who ruined an absolutely perfect, undreamed of future and family with his heavy heavy drinking. He had so many lapses we lost count. He has been dry about 10 years now. The AA meetings I attended were very low key and people were friendly. Might be time for you to check it out, with a friend if necessary, maybe even your ex. Someone to help give you the support to get over the initial discomfort.

Good luck Paul! Hey there, I'm 14 days sober. You'll make it too.

Yogiebare
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Old 05-05-2013, 01:57 PM
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Paul, I have thought of you often and I am glad that you're back.

You said many times that you want to stop drinking. So, take action. You don't have to commit to any program or recovery method. Just stop drinking today, hang out here and start to feel better about yourself. Be certain that if you don't stop drinking now, it will get worse, much worse, no question. You have the ability to prevent that from happening. Believe in yourself, love yourself and stop drinking.
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:39 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by shauninspain View Post
I was very similar to you Paul, in that no matter how bad things got, or how atrocious I behaved, nothing seemed to be bad enough to give me that moment of clarity. For years I had a succession of rock bottoms, each one worse than the last. Lost all my relationships to alcohol and was financially ruined. I was in and out of AA for ten years. On returning to AA I would see people who had come into the fellowship, long after my first meetings, and I would wonder how they did it. They would be 6 months or 6 years sober and I would be on day 1 yet again. It drove me to tears many times. So I had to ask myself a few questions.

Firstly, why was I wanting to stop drinking. That was fairly easy to answer. Because I was sick of feeling physically, mentally and emotionally ill. I was tired of the police and the courts, and desired to be an ordinary member of society. However, I had to be honest, and concluded that I wanted to negative effects of my drinking to stop. However, I didn't/couldn't imagine actually stopping consuming alcohol.

In effect, I wanted to take a drug, but didn't want the negative consequences associated with it.

I then asked my self if I valued my life, and if I valued being alive. I had to conclude that the scary answer was that I really didn't care if I lived or died. That if someone came to me and told me that I had 48 hours left, I wouldn't be particularly concerned. Indeed in some ways I would welcome an end to it all.

This second realization confirmed why I continued to drink, and why nothing seemed to be bad enough for me to commit to sobriety. If I wasn't particularly fussed whether I lived or not, I would therefore never reach the point of stopping. Only people who want to live hit a rock bottom and say, enough if this.

Therefore, it has been my case that stopping drinking has not been the most important part of my recovery. The vital element (and the key to remaining sober) has been for me to learn to like and value myself. I know that sounds terribly corny, but if I don't like myself, and don't care about myself, I might as well go to the shop right now and but a bottle. And I'm not talking about liking my life (my job, house, girlfriend etc etc etc), all of those things are just spokes on the wheel. They all revolve around me, and me around them. But I need to feel that I am worth it, that I am of some value TO MYSELF.

I am getting there, slowly. It's not something that has (in my case) changed overnight. But I have a small sense of self worth today, that I never had before.

Maybe you are similar, and that if you really get honest with yourself, the element that you are missing (and thus preventing you from staying sober), is that you have very low self worth.

If someone told you today that you had 48 hours left, how would you feel about your own non-existance?
This is very interesting and I thank you for taking the time to respond. Right now, I feel like I wouldn't care if I had 48 hours left, I would actually say thank goodness. But that feeling changes with my mood. I just go up and down. I'll develop a mood where I value life and I'm just so excited about my future... I set up my plans, I have epiphanies, deep down in my soul I believe this is the time that I'm going to make my life right... but that feeling happens multiple times a year. I cut down my drinking, I work out, I spend more time with my family, I work harder, etc. Then the cycle just constantly repeats itself. Today I feel like I want the world to end, tomorrow I might feel like the world has just begun and I'm going to savor every second of my existence.

I recently went to a psychiatrist because my ex convinced me I should and truthfully I did it because I thought I could get her back. In the meeting with the psych she told me I had a mild case of borderline personality disorder. I then did research on the disorder and it explains so much. I'm not using it as an excuse, just more of knowledge of how my mind works and interprets things.

And I'm starting to piece the puzzle together. And the thing that's pathetic is it didn't come from childhood neglect or abuse. It's the complete opposite. I was incredibly spoiled, my father did everything for me. If I got in trouble he would bail me out, if I needed money he would loan me money. I was so pathetic that I didn't even fill out a college application. My dad picked the school he thought I should go to, filled out the application, paid for my ticket, and I simply just took off to college. The only knowledge I had of the school was a little reading on their website. It was a private school and I had the best time of my life. But I started gambling, drinking, doing incredibly stupid things... and every time I would call my dad to bail me out. When I graduated they got me my first job, they bought me a 2 story, 4 bedroom, 3 car garage house just because I begged for it. The ironic thing is now after 5 years, they live with me and I love it! I was so depressed living here by myself! Having my parents here is amazing. I'm a 28 year old child.

My psych asked me what was the thing I feared most. The only answer I have is I fear losing my father. In my head I feel like I would instantly kill myself if my dad died. Just last year when I was unemployed I lost $7,000 with a local bookie... and had to call my dad to bail me out. Every time he bails me out. And I'm always getting myself in situations that I need help. I'm always looking for things to help me, to do things for me. I couldn't even clean the house or mow the lawn. I had a maid and lawn service... I didn't shovel the driveway. I only do things if my mom tells me I have to do them. I'm completely useless. We have this thing called the PFD where the state gives you a check from $880-$2000. All you have to do is drive down to the state building and fill out some paperwork. For four years I was too lazy to drive down and fill out the paperwork. Sarah Palin even gave the state a special extra $1500 one year. I missed out on $6,000 simply because no one could do it for me. I'm just a spoiled nut job. I have some inner problems where I constantly am trying to reach rock bottom. It got to the point where my dad had to take over my finances and I was getting an allowance of my OWN money. I was making over $120k a year at the time and I had nothing to show for it because I gambled it all away and still needed money from my dad.

I realize I have serious psychological issues. This stuff is not what normal people do. I feel like I have been getting better. I'm maturing a little bit, I've been paying all my bills on my own, filled out the PFD paperwork, did my taxes on time, etc, etc. Like I feel like I came to an epiphany responding to you. You are 100% correct, the problem is me! I don't value myself, I don't do things for myself... I simply just rely on substances or people to do everything for me. I feel like a pathetic human being that no one can ever love. Just stupid emo stuff like that. Like just typing that stuff makes me embarrassed. I need to take ownership of my own life. I need to learn to do things for me and be independent. How I'm going to accomplish that I have no clue right now. But I'm realizing exactly what you said... the key to this whole thing is not the alcohol. The reason I can't get myself to quit is because deep down inside I want to feel this pain. My objective self knows that I need to stop and that it's killing me but my inner side wants to wake up with a hangover and feel like I need "help". I broke up with my ex probably 50 times in 3 years. My previous girlfriends were the same. I'm a black and white borderline psycho that goes from one extreme to the next to sabotage myself in order to need help.

Damn, this actually made me feel very very good. The battle goes on. The one thing I will say to those that were here a year ago. Not all is lost. Even though I still am drinking, I made a tremendous amount of strides personally since coming here a year ago and all the help you guys provided. I still focus on getting out of the house, I still go to the gym, I'm hanging out with friends, talking to old friends, doing things with my family, etc. I'm no longer just sitting in my room 24 hours a day drinking. But I'm STILL drinking. And it's slowly bringing me back to that very dark place I was a year ago.
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:50 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Hi Paul. I'm so glad you came back to talk about where you are with everything. Many here care about you and want to help however we can.

It sounds like you're edging closer to kicking that stuff out of your life for good. I wish I'd done that in my 20's - I waited until my 50's, and there was a trail of destruction and misery in my path. I had no one to talk it over with back then. I do think SR helps relieve our anxiety. It's much better to not suffer alone or isolate. Hoping that good things will happen for you, Paul.
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Old 05-05-2013, 03:51 PM
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Hey there Paul

It sounds to me that you are now at the point you realize that life long sobriety is the way to go (and it's brilliant, once you get used to it).It also sounds like you are close to realising the time for that new life is now.

I think you're very close to new life. Come on in, the water is just fine

God bless.
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Old 05-05-2013, 04:08 PM
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Not that my life is not filled within...but, what the heck am I going to do with my life now? I live a life of gentle surrender, a life of saying..."yes", I'm alright & and hopefully those around me will be ok as well....no matter what may come into they're lives.

Cindy
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Old 05-05-2013, 04:11 PM
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Hey you know what you described my life almost to a T. My parents were always behind me sweeping up my messes and it might have something to do with me staying out there for 37 years. But the last 10 years of my drinking they couldn't prevent or clean up some of the messes like jails and DUI's. And thank God they couldn't cuz if they had I may still be out there. Well the good thing is that you are having a revelation. Sometimes I used to blame my parents for not teaching me any responsibility. But as an adult I had choices and I saw other friends growing up. I just chose to be dependent on them and it was quite manipulative as they were to nice to lay down the law.

Now in this economy I am back to depending on them for shelter. Lost our beautiful home to foreclosure like many others.Addiction destroyed my life and then my hubby's life and we are starting all over at age 51 and 58 and I am grateful my folks are still alive and willing to help us out. I feel very blessed and I need to tell them that more. So Thanks for your post! I hope you choose recovery it's the best payback we can give our loved ones.
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Old 05-05-2013, 04:14 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Sometimes it is not easy to grow up and take responsibility Paul...but it sounds like you might be ready to change your self-centered ways and step up to the plate.

it's wonderful to earn a good salary and have $$ (much easier than being poor)...but having something to show for it besides a load of gambling debt is even better. There will come a time when there is role reversal with you and both your parents....(Mr. Fandy who is in my past had a terrible gambling issues, he loved the ponies much more than me and still does, but he is a 59 year old child)

I hope your parents will allow you to make your own mistakes and fix them yourself instead of rushing in to protect you. The experience is invaluable. I think that counseling is a great start and sobriety will support your real growth.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Fandy View Post
Sometimes it is not easy to grow up and take responsibility Paul...but it sounds like you might be ready to change your self-centered ways and step up to the plate.

it's wonderful to earn a good salary and have $$ (much easier than being poor)...but having something to show for it besides a load of gambling debt is even better. There will come a time when there is role reversal with you and both your parents....(Mr. Fandy who is in my past had a terrible gambling issues, he loved the ponies much more than me and still does, but he is a 59 year old child)

I hope your parents will allow you to make your own mistakes and fix them yourself instead of rushing in to protect you. The experience is invaluable. I think that counseling is a great start and sobriety will support your real growth.
OMG!! I am a child! Literally I'm a 28 year old child. I don't do anything for myself. If my mom doesn't make my dental appointment for me, I never will. OMG!! This is so embarrassing. I mean I have rationalized this to the point that I found it acceptable. I always said that I was extremely busy with work and that they were just helping me out. I mean, I make NO decisions. If people want to eat out I literally eat whatever they want to eat, go wherever they want to go... drink whatever they are drinking. I simply am a chameleon that just sticks to people like glue and wants to be told what to do and when to do it!

Maybe, just maybe this is the key to my happiness?? Maybe moving out of my parents house, getting my own bank accounts, mowing my own lawn, doing things for myself, making my own decisions... will lead me to wanting a better life?? I need to separate from my father somehow and live my own life, face real world consequences and take responsibility for my own actions. Hmmm... this feels good.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:37 PM
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Paul, it sounds like you're doing some really useful soul-searching here. It sounds to me like you really dislike the person you are and yet you lack the impetus to make changes in your life. So, you're stuck in a vicious cycle. You need to step out of the cycle and do things for yourself. You're making a start, but take hold of your life and make it what you want it to be. Follow your heart and your dreams and make changes and choices in your life that will bring you satisfaction and happiness.

You really need to start liking and loving yourself.
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Old 05-05-2013, 05:57 PM
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Paul, I watched my own daughter act a lot like you and shut it down with no contact....it did not harm her, it helped her to grow into a strong woman (she is 32) who can take care of both herself and her obstacles. I do help her sometimes, but I mostly get out of her way....(and bite my tongue).
keep posting and don't drink tonight.
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by Anna View Post
Paul, it sounds like you're doing some really useful soul-searching here. It sounds to me like you really dislike the person you are and yet you lack the impetus to make changes in your life. So, you're stuck in a vicious cycle. You need to step out of the cycle and do things for yourself. You're making a start, but take hold of your life and make it what you want it to be. Follow your heart and your dreams and make changes and choices in your life that will bring you satisfaction and happiness.

You really need to start liking and loving yourself.
Alright, thank you Anna. I really need to just make a commitment to staying on this site. When I'm here I fight my negative urges and make positive strides in my life. When I'm not here, I just hide and let my negative thoughts take over. I need to start working on myself! Focus on being independent and take pride in myself. I feel like if I can do that, drinking wouldn't be an option. I think we just located the disconnect between me wanting to stop drinking but not having the feeling I need to stop? I guess it's time to do what I have not done... take action!!
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Old 05-05-2013, 06:49 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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dont feel embarrassed. one thing i was told when i got into recovery is that i stopped growing mentally and emotionally when i picked up my 1st drink. so even though i was 36 when i got into recovery, i was only 13ish mentally and emotionally. boy, did i find that to be true pretty quick!!! then all i had to do is make a decision to take accountability for my past and responsibility for my future and put in the footwork lerning how to live and do it without alcohol. learning how to live life on lifes terms wasnt gonna work with my own thinkin. thats what got me to where i was. i needed the help form others that had been in my shoes.
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Old 05-05-2013, 07:44 PM
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I think the fact that you take the time to dig deep and continue to try and understand yourself and ask why, speaks volumes.

I truly believe you will stop drinking Paul.

I hope it's sooner than later because I think you have a hell of a lot to offer the world and yourself....with a sober YOU.

I see a smart, compassionate person Paul...now, lets drop the bottle
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Old 05-05-2013, 09:52 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
dont feel embarrassed. one thing i was told when i got into recovery is that i stopped growing mentally and emotionally when i picked up my 1st drink. so even though i was 36 when i got into recovery, i was only 13ish mentally and emotionally. boy, did i find that to be true pretty quick!!! then all i had to do is make a decision to take accountability for my past and responsibility for my future and put in the footwork lerning how to live and do it without alcohol. learning how to live life on lifes terms wasnt gonna work with my own thinkin. thats what got me to where i was. i needed the help form others that had been in my shoes.
Oh my gosh, this makes a lot of sense!! I started drinking heavily as a freshman in college and I've acted like it ever since. I'm so immature, I still play beer pong, still wear my fraternity clothing, watch Van Wilder over and over because I want to go back there. I think you are right, I think the alcohol has kept my mind from growing. Wow, that makes a lot of sense.
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Old 05-05-2013, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by debsam View Post
I think the fact that you take the time to dig deep and continue to try and understand yourself and ask why, speaks volumes.

I truly believe you will stop drinking Paul.

I hope it's sooner than later because I think you have a hell of a lot to offer the world and yourself....with a sober YOU.

I see a smart, compassionate person Paul...now, lets drop the bottle
Thank you very much debsam! I feel closer and closer to having that breakthrough. I think today was a very pivotal day. Because I could never understand why I wanted to quit so bad because of all the objective damage it has done to me but could never commit to it. But now I realize, it's my metaphysical being that controls me. My mind knows what's right and wrong, I just "don't care". And I don't care because I don't care about myself. So I'm starting to get it a little bit. Thanks again.
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