Alcohol continues to destroy my life!!
 

It's embarrassing coming back to this site in this state of mind. I've had so many moments of progress here, so many times where I felt like I was on the right track, but it never stops. Alcohol still consumes my life. No matter how many times I try tapering, cold turkey, moderation, etc it just does not stop. I've lost every battle! And finally after many fights and breakups, my girlfriend of 3 years has had enough. She hasn't spoken to me in three weeks, she cannot stand the alcohol in my life. I chose alcohol over her. My work life isn't progressing because I just drink myself in to a stupor. And on top of it my mom is drinking more and more. She was an alcoholic my entire life until I turned 19... then she quit for 8 years!!!

I always envisioned her as my inspiration that alcohol can be beat. But after 8 years alcohol still wins!! I have no hope that I can win this battle. My mind is completely beaten, my soul is diminished... I can not find the path!! I need to be free of this!!

Have you tried fully committing to AA??

There's a lot of hope Paul. Read around here, read peoples stories...re-read your old threads and take note of the solutions people shared with you. You'll find that path.

You can change - but you need to commit to change first.
You can be free - but I believe you need to cut alcohol out of your life first.

D

I try Dee... I try everything! I just don't know how to reach that point where I choose I never want to drink again the rest of my life. I don't know what it is. I read peoples stories, I know I need to stop, but something in me keeps telling me I have more time before I "really" need to stop. But at the same time, I can see my life imploding one step at a time yet I still can't reach that point!! I want to stop, I want it to stop controlling my life. I realize I have a problem that can only be stopped by life long abstinence, I just keep thinking I have more time before I have to make that decision. Basically I feel like I have to die or go to jail before I come to the epiphany that I need to stop right now!

I'm just telling the truth of what I feel, this means no disrespect, you know what's best for me, I just don't know how to get my mind to accept it???

You're here Paul, and that means a part of you knows you can quit. Perhaps a rehab program is the way for you to go? Have you considered it?

Pauladmits, I was an alcohlic/drug addict for 42 years. 1024 days sober, 1 year 8 months no crack, today 11 months no cigarettes. If I can do it any human can do it. Rootin for ya. :egypt:

Paul, are you trying to lick this on your own? me personally, i can't fight alcohol alone. just because i ran this car into a ditch doesn't mean i have to pull it out all by my lonesome. i have to reach out for help. being here helps but what's really helped me has been the Fellowship of AA. talking with another alcoholic or helping a newcomer gets me outta my head and puts me in a different state of mind. everytime i go to a meeting or talk to another sober alcoholic, i give myself a little insurance against the next slip. when i shut people out and try to deal with this on my own, i mess up. every time. perhaps you need to find some people you can confide in and reach out to. you've got us here on SR. if that's not enough, consider going to AA, getting a sponsor and working the steps. i don't know if you've tried that before but if you haven't, what's the harm? give yourself every opportunity to get sober.

I thank you all for your responses. As for going to get help I just can't figure it out yet. I went to a psychiatrist recently and she diagnosed me with ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Bi-Polar II. I've started on some anti-depressants and she says it will take some time to work on the others. I just have no ability to feel anything right now. Drinking solves so many problems for me. I just have trouble committing to anything or listening to any advice or following through with anything.

All I know is alcohol is destroying my life. I want to stop drinking, I want to be normal, but every effort is just dieing. I'm afraid of going to meetings because I'm afraid I will not care and revolt against what people are saying. I just don't even know who I am or what I can do.

It is time to face your fear and go to a few meeting. What do you have to lose? You are lying if you say you have "tried"" everything if you haven't given AA meeting a fair trial.

I was very similar to you Paul, in that no matter how bad things got, or how atrocious I behaved, nothing seemed to be bad enough to give me that moment of clarity. For years I had a succession of rock bottoms, each one worse than the last. Lost all my relationships to alcohol and was financially ruined. I was in and out of AA for ten years. On returning to AA I would see people who had come into the fellowship, long after my first meetings, and I would wonder how they did it. They would be 6 months or 6 years sober and I would be on day 1 yet again. It drove me to tears many times. So I had to ask myself a few questions.

Firstly, why was I wanting to stop drinking. That was fairly easy to answer. Because I was sick of feeling physically, mentally and emotionally ill. I was tired of the police and the courts, and desired to be an ordinary member of society. However, I had to be honest, and concluded that I wanted to negative effects of my drinking to stop. However, I didn't/couldn't imagine actually stopping consuming alcohol.

In effect, I wanted to take a drug, but didn't want the negative consequences associated with it.

I then asked my self if I valued my life, and if I valued being alive. I had to conclude that the scary answer was that I really didn't care if I lived or died. That if someone came to me and told me that I had 48 hours left, I wouldn't be particularly concerned. Indeed in some ways I would welcome an end to it all.

This second realization confirmed why I continued to drink, and why nothing seemed to be bad enough for me to commit to sobriety. If I wasn't particularly fussed whether I lived or not, I would therefore never reach the point of stopping. Only people who want to live hit a rock bottom and say, enough if this.

Therefore, it has been my case that stopping drinking has not been the most important part of my recovery. The vital element (and the key to remaining sober) has been for me to learn to like and value myself. I know that sounds terribly corny, but if I don't like myself, and don't care about myself, I might as well go to the shop right now and but a bottle. And I'm not talking about liking my life (my job, house, girlfriend etc etc etc), all of those things are just spokes on the wheel. They all revolve around me, and me around them. But I need to feel that I am worth it, that I am of some value TO MYSELF.

I am getting there, slowly. It's not something that has (in my case) changed overnight. But I have a small sense of self worth today, that I never had before.

Maybe you are similar, and that if you really get honest with yourself, the element that you are missing (and thus preventing you from staying sober), is that you have very low self worth.

If someone told you today that you had 48 hours left, how would you feel about your own non-existance?

It's tough Paul I know. I'm battling as well with ways to stop. I'm going to give Rational Recovery and Smart Recovery a go and see if they are helpful. At least you came back here, and remember, this is another opportunity to learn more about yourself.

Making mistakes like this are a part of life, at least you are still trying to stop and haven't given in.

It may seem hard to think rationally at the moment, but hang in there.

I know these thoughts all too well, my friend. A few months ago I could have written them myself. I knew back then I was an alcoholic, but I didn't actually understand what it means to be addicted to alcohol.

It means you now essentially have two minds. Part of your brain is addicted to alcohol, and it craves it all the time. It's a primitive part of the brain, similar to the brain in that laboratory rat that will continuously push the lever to give itself the drug, until it dies. Then there is the other part of your brain, the part that understands alcohol is bad for you, the part that decided to start posting at SR to look for help and answers.

The primitive, alcohol dependent part of your brain told you to write the bolded lines above. That part of your brain never wants to stop drinking, so it will continuously tell you not to stop, give you reasons not to stop, tells you you'll be unhappy if you stop, tells you you're already worthless, so there's no point in stopping.

All lies.

It just wants you to push that lever so it can get it's drug.

I wish I could shut mine off. Oh, how I wish it! But I can't. I have to hear it tell me it's little rat lies all the time. I have to hear it - but I don't have to listen to it. I don't have to do anything it says. It's just a little rat liar. It has no power unless I believe its lies.

Stop listening to the rat liar in your head. Listen to the voice of reason that knows you need to stop drinking. You can do this!

Welcome back Paul....the anti depressants won't work properly if you are drinking...i speak from experience.
You're an intelligent person, you can get past this...but i think you're adversely affected by your mother's return to heavy drinking after 8 years of sobriety....the booze you are consuming makes everything more difficult not solving problems...from health physically to a sadder mental outlook.
I hope you stick around here and find some inspiration....and strength to kick that Addictive Voice to the curb.

"Drinking solves so many problems for me."
"All I know is alcohol is destroying my life"
????????????????????????

idont know a recovering alcoholic without a mental disorder. one common denominator in us all is we stopped using our mental disorders as excuses.


you may want to look into rehab,paul. your worth whatever it takes.

I don't think I would have ever made
myself go to rehab 22 yrs ago on my
own. I thought I was strong enough to
stop drinking whenever I wanted, except,
I failed so many times because my will
never worked.

It took my family to step in when I least
expected it to to get me help I so desperately
needed at that time in my life. A horrible
accident in February 1990, then trying to
end my miserable failure of a life in August
1990 was enough to raise a red flag to my
family that I was crying out for help.

So August 10th 1990 I entered recovery
and August 11th, 1990 was my first full
day alcohol free and the beginning of a new
life in recovery. That beginning was 22 yrs.
ago as I am still on my recovery journey
today.

While in rehab, that time allowed me to
sweat out all those toxins in my system
and receive knowledge of my alcoholism
and tools to help build a strong foundation
to live upon each day I remained sober.
To encorperate those tools in my everyday
affairs learning to live life on lifes terms. To
accept people, places and things just as
they are meant to be. To let go of resentments
of others that use to destroy me with anger.

Having that opportunity I spent in rehab for
28days allowed me time to accept the gifts
of a recovery program to sink inside my mind,
and plant a tiny seed to grow and be nurtoured
each day I feed it with healthy recovery fertilizer.

Learn, listen, absorb, apply, live and pass on
all your knowledge to others still suffering with
addiction and enjoy the promises as gifts offered
to us as mentioned in the Big Book of Alcoholics
Anonymous. :)

Paul i am glad you are back you have made progress.

If you can admit that you can never win, this can be a new beginning. I read here somwhere that the only winning move is not to play the game. It is possible.

Recovery and defeat lie within us all.

Me and all of my close AA friends were diagnosed with all sorts if mental illnesses before coming to the conclusion that we were alcoholic. Could it be true that you haven't told any of these medical pros how much you drink?

The first step is "Admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable." Do you believe that is true in your case? If so, you have taken the first step. I knew for quite a while that I needed help. Oh how I wish now I would have gotten it sooner!! The price I paid for not getting help when I knew was high; but not as high as some!! Today I am sober 6 months; I did it by working the AA program, and I am so glad I did!!

It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help. You cannot do it alone.

It's good to hear from you Paul. I'm so grateful to you, as it was your posts that inspired me to join this site last year. It'll be a year next month since I quit drinking. My antidepressants work more effectively without alcohol.

Are you in a position to move into your own place? Your mother's relapse is very sad, and I'm sure it makes your desire to not drink, more difficult. I hope you keep in touch with us. What are you up to today? I'm planning on gardening and taking a long walk.

Paul, your post really touches me.

when you said you feel you have more time, before quitting, well, think about this...
your body will take you far if you take care of it. do not wait till your organs have suffered, and your brain (which seems very smart) suffers permanent damage.

Stick around here, no matter what, for the strength that others in the same battle can offer you.

You can do this. People do, every day.
there is help for you.

hugs
chicory

Hey Paul,

I completely relate to the struggle, and thinking I had more time.

If I can offer one small bit of advice, it would be don't worry about what your mind says right now. Of course your mind won't accept sobriety because you're addicted to alcohol.

Don't worry about what you think, just focus on what you can do.

I got sober through AA, but there are other routes, too. SMART, Lifering, SOS, a lot of people quit just by posting and getting advice here. The thing is, you have to act and be committed to change, no matter how you feel or what your thoughts say.

It can be a struggle, but it's not impossible.

But, really, don't listen to any thoughts that doubt your ability to stay sober. It's the addiction talking. You wouldn't be here if you didn't want to stay sober and it's that voice you can start listening to.

I wish you well and know you can stay sober.

Sorry about your mom drinking again, but she's on her own journey. Her actions don't have to dictate yours. :)