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ending this cycle

Old 04-21-2012, 12:01 PM
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Unhappy ending this cycle

Hi everyone, this my my first post here and I'm hoping to find some good advice from people with experience dealing with similar issues.

I used to drink pretty regularly but for various reasons have been trying to cut back. So instead of drinking most days I just drink occasionally. The problem is those occasions when I do drink become a disaster. I have a few drinks, lose control and can't stop. The following day I'm hungover, embarassed and ashamed, and from what little bits I can remember just see myself having acted like a complete idiot. On the good days I don't cause any truble but still am still probably remembered as "that guy." On the bad days I get violent, which has caused other problems.

I find myself falling into the same cycle over and over again. I decide I'm gunna clean myself up and avoid alcohol but after a few days, a week or however long I can last I just give up and drink again. Consciously I know there are a lot of reasons to stop, but I just wonder, are those reasons really that important? The shame and embarassment after each binge, all the bridges I've burned, and times I've made a fool of myself alone should be reason enough to stop. But for some reason I just find myself not caring enough to stay sober. I'm recovering from a recent binge and as part of the pattern I try find some way to control myself, which obviously hasn't worked yet. I'm just concerned I'll ultimately end up repeating the cycle. I feel like I don't have a lot to make a lasting positive change worthwhile. I'm trying to find a reason to stop that will sustain me for the long haul.
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:04 PM
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Welcome to SR!

For me, I was unable to form any effective mental defense against that first drink. I had to reach out for help in order to find it.

Best wishes,
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:09 PM
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A reason? Mine is to be free...truly and absolutely free. A way of being that defies description.
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:13 PM
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hmm, it's funny you mention that because I think one of the reasons I drink in the first place is to be free, or feel free at least.
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:14 PM
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Welcome!

I do think you need to be very motivated to stop drinking and to recover. It's not easy and it takes a lot of work to make it happen.

It does sound like you have many reasons to stop drinking, so I hope that you will make a decision to live a sober life. If you do, we are here to offer support.
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:20 PM
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If you suffer any kind of pain, embarrassment or despair because of your drinking then it is more than necessary. I used to think that I didn't care enough about myself or anything else to stop...truth was I was just trapped in a cycle of addiction. You'll probably find you actually do care when you stop and that every day you'll find more reasons to stay sober. Are the reasons to carry on drinking that important? I don't think anyone can actually credit alcohol with having a positive impact on their life...

Welcome to SR hardboiled x
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Old 04-21-2012, 12:27 PM
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That's the illusion alcohol creates...freedom. But are you really free? Are you doing the same regretful thing over & over. Acting a fool, making yourself sick. Do you have control over the amount of alcohol you consume? Do you have control over your emotions & actions during this "freedom"
I know I did not. I obsessed, tried to moderate, cut back, etc. Only to binge worse when I did allow myself to drink.
That's is not freedom, my friend. That is prison. The freedom I have found is by abstaining from alcohol. It does not take my mind hostage anymore, my life & activities are not revolving around alcohol.
I hope you will see alcohol for the elusive monster it is.
I hope you find strength & support here, I did.
Quitting drinking was the most freeing & empowering thing I've ever done.
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Old 04-21-2012, 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by hardboiled
hmm, it's funny you mention that because I think one of the reasons I drink in the first place is to be free, or feel free at least
.
If something controls me, drives me, consumes me, then I am not free. I am a puppet. I can tell myself I like being a puppet, but it doesn't change the fact that I am.
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Old 04-21-2012, 02:49 PM
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Rinse and repeat, over and over nothing changes only gets worse with alcohell, it really is a dark horrible prison. Soberiety is exciting and liberating. Good luck and all the best to you.
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Old 04-21-2012, 02:51 PM
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Old 04-21-2012, 03:41 PM
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Originally Posted by hardboiled View Post
Hi everyone, this my my first post here and I'm hoping to find some good advice from people with experience dealing with similar issues.

I used to drink pretty regularly but for various reasons have been trying to cut back. So instead of drinking most days I just drink occasionally. The problem is those occasions when I do drink become a disaster. I have a few drinks, lose control and can't stop. The following day I'm hungover, embarassed and ashamed, and from what little bits I can remember just see myself having acted like a complete idiot. On the good days I don't cause any truble but still am still probably remembered as "that guy." On the bad days I get violent, which has caused other problems.

I find myself falling into the same cycle over and over again. I decide I'm gunna clean myself up and avoid alcohol but after a few days, a week or however long I can last I just give up and drink again. Consciously I know there are a lot of reasons to stop, but I just wonder, are those reasons really that important? The shame and embarassment after each binge, all the bridges I've burned, and times I've made a fool of myself alone should be reason enough to stop. But for some reason I just find myself not caring enough to stay sober. I'm recovering from a recent binge and as part of the pattern I try find some way to control myself, which obviously hasn't worked yet. I'm just concerned I'll ultimately end up repeating the cycle. I feel like I don't have a lot to make a lasting positive change worthwhile. I'm trying to find a reason to stop that will sustain me for the long haul.
Hi hardboiled, I can relate to your story. I can go all week without a drink, and then by Thursday/Friday my cravings for alcohol are so great that I surcome to a weekend of alcohol abuse, blackouts, being ill/sick etc. - and then the week starts again with me feeling so ill, ashamed, and promising myself to never drink again, but by the weekend the hell cycle starts again.

This time I am extra determined to stop, but I realised that I need to try new techniques and need outside support, so this week i've attended my first AA meeting which went well. I've also written a list of reasons why not to drink, and I read this every day even though it's a massive list.

I am currently on Day 7 of being sober and the weekend is going great so far - it's fantastic waking up on a Saturday feeling fresh and healthy, and without the need to check my phone to see who i've drunkely text or phoned, or to check the fastfood receipt to see what time I got my drunken ass home.

Stick with it mate, you can beat alcohol, this forum is living proof.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:36 AM
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Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your responses and support, it's more helpful than I would've thought. After lying in bed with a hangover all day yesterday I decided to go hiking today. Barely made it, and took a short trail due to still feeling some dizzyness from my hangover. (By the way, is it ok that after a big binge I have hangovers that last more than a day? besides the ovbious answer, which is no. I'm wondering if that's a normal response to drinking a lot without any threat of needing to seek medical attention.) Anyway, it was pretty refreshing to be out in the nice weather, being active doing more in a few horus than a several day binge and subsequent hangover day(s). Still looking for reasons to keep me steady on this path for the long run, I do worry about when I get bored, stressed or am in uncomfortable situations which is almost always a recipe for booze and shortly thereafter disaster. That will be a big hurdle.
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Old 04-22-2012, 12:44 AM
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Ive only been joined this group half an hour and i am already realising that my drinking habits are the cause of all my demons...i have always associated alcohol with freedom and releasing stress..but its true, i have been a prisoner to this liquid and it is holding me captive, i feel a bit pathetic to be fair but im dammed if im gonna let alcohol rule me any longer. Sometimes its easy to justify things you do to the extreem and you end up kidding yourself that its not an issue...
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Old 04-22-2012, 06:19 AM
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Originally Posted by hardboiled
Still looking for reasons to keep me steady on this path for the long run, I do worry about when I get bored, stressed or am in uncomfortable situations which is almost always a recipe for booze and shortly thereafter disaster
Everyone, and I do mean everyone, on this earth has experienced uncomfortable feelings at one time or another. Most don't respond by getting drunk or high. So what do people do when they feel this way? I really wanted to know, so I set out about finding out. I too tried to avoid anything and everything that was not comfortable for me. I learned that happiness does NOT equal the absence of pain. I changed the way I look at life and what it means to have contentment. I also realized that all "reasons" for my drinking were simply excuses. There is never a good reason for me to drink, get high, or numb in any way to escape. There will be trouble in life, of that I can be certain. I can face whatever the trouble is head on and not be afraid. Fearless. Free.

Having a good reason to stay the course is just your addiction talking. It tells you that you must have this reason in order to successfully quit. If you stop and think about it and examine closely, it is telling you all kinds of things that aren't true. Seperate yourself from it. What do YOU want?
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Old 04-22-2012, 08:22 AM
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Welcome hardboiled...See if this makes sense to you....

MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.

We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals - usually brief - were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period we get worse, never better.

AA Big Book first edition chapter 3
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Old 04-22-2012, 01:55 PM
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i feel the same way exactly its like you just feel so guilty you make a half hearted attempt at getting clean or at least thats how i feel so then i tell myself that im done but by the next weekend im ready to get drunk again
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:31 PM
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Welcome n0m0re glad you are here.
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Old 04-22-2012, 03:43 PM
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Welcome to SR n0m0re

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Old 04-22-2012, 03:49 PM
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Hello hardboiled.

That is an interesting post. Particularly the bit where you say you find youself not caring about wanting to stay sober and asking wether your negative experience are reallly a good enough reason to stop. Also the two day hangover point

I have been looking at the physiology of drinking alcohol. It takles perhaps a couple of days to do get out of you blood but then ofcourse it has also bee stored in fats. this can take months and maybe a year to leave your sytem completely. peronally I want to experience this sobriety after a few months to see how that feels. Will I even care not having a beer. I hope this to be true. Why no try this?

The emmbarrassing things you do when you are drunk, you question is it really that bad to stop drinking. I also think society would not see that a a bad reason to stop drinking because all drinker do it. but I guess you will have to nake that decision yourself. Is there any positive that you get from you embarrassin situations?
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Old 04-24-2012, 09:15 AM
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Sorry, gunna bump my own post so I can vent and keep it on the same thread.
2nd day without drinking. Stayed pretty busy with exercise and other activities. Went on a long bike ride and it was hard to resist grabbing some beers while hanging out in the nice weather. In hindsight I'm glad I didn't but at the time it's a really hard decision to make.

hey n0m0re, I hear you, I think I've been doing what you said for years. This is sort of why I wonder if all my regret and shame, as strong as it is, is really enough of a reason to stop. I've gotten drunk and acted like a fool, then later having to go some place where people recognize me. It's hard for me to explain, I'm embarassed but I don't care sometimes. Anyway, like you the weekends will be a test.

jimjim, well one of the reasons I joined this forum and am making a conscious effort to stop is because I don't think it's normal to have the situations I have. I mean I'm sure anyone who's enjoyed alcohol has had one or a few situations, but it shouldn't be a regular occurance and shouldn't cause friends stop wanting to hang out with you because of it.
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