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Hi, I'm Lazula and I need help.

Old 04-13-2015, 08:19 PM
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Lazula
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Hi, I'm Lazula and I need help.

I'm a hot blooming mess looking for somewhere to start. I'm a social worker. I work with addicts. I have packed up so many bags of clothes, cross word puzzle books, alcohol-free hygiene products, Bibles and Big Books, and carted women off to treatment facilities at all hours of the day and night, waiting anxiously in the parking lot while they cross that threshold to their futures. Meanwhile, I'm a mess. I can't cook a meal or do the dishes without a 6-pack. I function, but it's so half-assed. I wake up every morning feeling like ****, guilty, angry, and sad. I am a wife and a mother, and in the name of self-care, I poison myself, because it's the only way I know how to cope. I'm so tired. Every day I say I can't take it anymore and swear I'll do things differently. And then I don't. Tonight my 7-year-old was with me at the grocery store, helping me chuck the returnable beer bottles into the machine so I could buy groceries (and more beer). She said "Mama, how bad is beer for you.?" I told her it was a little bit bad. Then she commented on how many bottles there were, and I got angry. I was angry at her for noticing, but I was more angry at myself. It struck me that she's making childhood memories that I don't want her to have. I don't know how to make tomorrow different. I don't know how to work a week without calling in with a "migraine." I so don't want this to be my life. I don't know how I got here, but I can't do it anymore. I've committed to memory every meeting within a 5 mile radius, because that's where I send my clients, but I've never been to one. I struggle with where my professional boundaries end and my potential recovery begins. I'm keeping myself sick with that battle, out of fear of being in a meeting with a client, and of being seen as a fraud. I know that's mine. I know I'm sick. I just haven't been able to bring myself to do anything about it. I'm terrified and angry and sad and tired. I want a tomorrow where I remember all of today. Any insight would be helpful. I just want to be in a better place than I am right now. Thank you for your time.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:27 PM
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Hi, Lazula, you've made a good start coming here. I'll leave the advice giving to the more experienced on here.
But, I've been in your shoes. The good news is that you can get over this and sober up. And life will be so much easier.
I wish you the best and look forward to reading about your days of sobriety.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:31 PM
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Welcome Lazula. There are many professionals here that are also addicted.

You are among friends.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:34 PM
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Lazula
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Thank you. Your validation has me crying and that's good. I need to feel the feels.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:35 PM
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Welcome to SR! This is a great place to learn about others and maybe yourself. Sounds like you help so many people and maybe you need to start thinking about helping yourself. Your life would be so much better on the other side. I am not sure seeing a client at a meeting would be seen as fraudulent, it might actually help them as well as yourself.

Whatever you decide, this is a great place to gather inspiration. And your daughter also.

Best of luck.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:39 PM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
 
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I couldn't cook without a whole bottle of wine. I couldn't bathe my child without multiple glasses. I spent years of mornings vomiting between packing lunches and rides to schools. Then, I would go off to work and vomit in the garbage can in the bathroom. Only to get home and start it all over agin because I had no idea there was a way out.

There's a way out. And you took a really big step by coming here and admitting the truth.

This is how healing starts.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:43 PM
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Hi and welcome Lazula - you'll find a lot of support here

It all starts with a day one really - we can help support you through that day. If you've been drinking for a while you might want to consider seeing a Dr because withdrawal is sometimes a problem for some of us.

do you have any ideas on how you'll stay sober?

D
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:44 PM
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Originally Posted by alphaomega View Post
I couldn't cook without a whole bottle of wine. I couldn't bathe my child without multiple glasses. I spent years of mornings vomiting between packing lunches and rides to schools. Then, I would go off to work and vomit in the garbage can in the bathroom. Only to get home and start it all over agin because I had no idea there was a way out.

There's a way out. And you took a really big step by coming here and admitting the truth.

This is how healing starts.
Same ^^ and amen.

There is hope & healing here. Please stick around.
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Old 04-13-2015, 08:53 PM
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Hi Lazula, you're not alone. I drank a bottle of wine most nights, and still led a fully functioning working life, but it left me disgusted with myself and worried about my physical and mental health.

The good news is that if you can do this, you won't look back. Waking up every morning without the burden of guilt and self-reproach, not to mention the slight headache and nausea, is the best feeling ever.

Your aim is to get through the evening without relying on alcohol. I set up a relaxation time where I drank tea. I changed my routine slightly, and made sure I didn't come home hungry and tired. Have a protein snack mid-afternoon to prevent this. Use your weekend to cook some big batches of soup/casserole to heat in the evening, and avoid the cooking trigger. You'll be saving a lot of money from beer, so you might want to order take-out occasionally and use the spare time for a board game or a walk with your daughter.

Try to value add to your time rather than just endure, because you are doing an amazingly positive thing. It's just getting away from the cravings and habits in the first few weeks. I gave myself a year as a target, but enjoyed sobriety so much I've continued indefinitely. The thought of going back to regular drinking is horrifying to me now.
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Old 04-13-2015, 09:01 PM
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Welcome Lazula. Your post is very familiar to me. We have similar circumstances. I am in the same boat regarding seeing people I work with at meetings. SR works 100% for me so far. I've managed 14 months sober, through the very difficult beginning and beyond, with just SR. I am on this site a lot, a few times a day, even if only to read. It keeps me motivated and doesn't let me take sobriety for granted. The support, encouragement, and suggestions are priceless. There are wonderful people here. You have a very high stress profession....but coping by drinking only makes matters worse and makes you more stressed. My suggestion is to stick with us here...maybe see an individual counselor also if you need extra support. But sobriety is possible, and you can do it privately if necessary for your career.
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Old 04-13-2015, 09:26 PM
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Lazula
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Thank you all so, so much. This is truly overwhelming. Jeez I tell people every day they're not alone in their addiction but I have felt SO ALONE in mine. Intellectually I KNOW I'm an addict. I am. I'm an addict. There's something really empowering (yet terrifying) about saying that. I'm just not really sure where to go from here. I don't want it to be to the liquor store tomorrow, but I know I can find a way to justify it. Where do you even begin?
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Old 04-13-2015, 09:38 PM
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Wow. You poor thing. That is a lot to hand on your plate! I really like the sober weekender bc it's really inspirational to read all the comments of people doing wonderful and exciting things while being sober.

This may be a HUGE stretch.. But What about a career move. You do wonderful work, but it seems like it is a large stress and I don't know how good it is for your problem to be working in the same business. Again, I know absolutely nothing about you or your situation but maybe an idea. Hugs to you.
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Old 04-13-2015, 10:00 PM
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Take a deep breath, Lazula, sit quietly for a bit, and realize where you are and what steps to take to get where you want to be. The first few weeks are the hardest, but there are plenty of brothers and sisters here that will bend over backwards to help you through. As Dee asked if you have a plan, begin to formulate one. That is imperative. But allow yourself to be flexible and correct your directions if you so require. If AA meetings are the path you feel you need to take, do so. Don't concern yourself with the issue of being a professional and others seeing you attend meetings. It only shows you are human and willing to "practice what you preach". That in itself can be a powerful message to others seeking their own sobriety. It's time to care for Lazula.
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Old 04-13-2015, 10:47 PM
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Lazula, in a sense, recovery will make you a better social worker.
Your stress level will reduce. You will be a living example to your clients.
Those with courage and compassion have walked the hardest journey.
You will be able to call them on their b.s.. you can't b.s. a drunk! You learn so much in these rooms as to how an addict thinks. You will feel more relaxed and rested without alcohol.
If you DID run into a client at a meeting,
You will gain credibility with those clients who are considering recovery
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Old 04-13-2015, 11:08 PM
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Welcome Lazula here is some help with making a sobriety plan

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
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Old 04-14-2015, 12:21 AM
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Originally Posted by Lazula View Post
Where do you even begin?
Make a plan for how you'll spend your evenings, including reading SR. You will need to change your routine a bit, maybe go for a walk or do some other distracting activity, and don't let yourself get hungry. You'll have a few spare calories to play with if you stop drinking. Remember, you only need to get through to bed-time. In the morning you'll feel so proud.

Why not join the Class of April 2015, for a bit of camaraderie?
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Old 04-14-2015, 03:22 AM
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You know where to begin!!

You've committed all the meetings to memory.

You won't be a fraud... You'll be all the more legit!!

The person greatest positioned to help an alcoholic or an addict is another alcoholic or addict.

There is no shame in taking your life in your hands and making it better and more joyful by embracing sobriety. Any clients you may have in those meetings will see you are walking the talk.

Where do you begin?

Step one.
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Old 04-14-2015, 05:48 AM
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>Where do you even begin?

By making not drinking your #1 priority, just for today - and doing whatever it takes to not do that. Everything else can slide - laundry, cooking, just for today.

Having a plan in place to do something other than drinking when a craving hits, changing your daily routine, and HALT helped me learn to cope, are all tools that helped me.

Have you spoken to your doctor? Depending on how much you drink, you may need to taper.

Hope that helps - let us know what your plan is.
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Old 04-14-2015, 06:02 AM
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It was my son that first brought it up to me when he was 11. He's 13 now and I'm finally sober (for over 3 months) and I know that I can't ever drink again. I;m glad I finally did something about it because it was getting so bad.

You will feel so much better about yourself when you finally stop - but you need support. You need someone you can be honest with and someone you can talk to. Put the bottle down - there's no good that will come from it.

Keep posting here - it's my main support during this process.
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Old 04-14-2015, 01:41 PM
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I'm in a similar field Lazula and I didn't want to see anyone in a meeting either. I've decided to go to the next city/town over for meetings to get started. I've got 4.5 months now and I imagined that once I get some more time under my belt, seeing a client won't hurt my pride so bad. My ability to help others has improved significantly since I quit. You can do it!
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