gr8t2bme

First of all I hate my post name, gr82bme, because it's not.

My life is nothing but a skipping record. Drink, get drunk, get sober for a little while, then start drinking again and have the horrible guilt and depression of a failed life. I can't do this anymore. I hate AA, I have went to so many meeting and they depress me even more. The last meeting I went to was a women's meeting and all they did was talk about death and how to handle it as an alcoholic. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. I am just struggling to deal with everyday life being an alcoholic, how the hell can I deal with death.

Theresa

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel down Theresa.

I really believe we get out of recovery what we put into it - if you not satisfied with the outcomes so far maybe you need to look at what else you can be doing for your recovery?

Maybe you need to look for other meetings? or maybe other recovery methods if you really feel that you're getting nothing out of what you've been doing?

D

Anna

Hi Theresa,

I know how awful it feels when you are caught up in the vicious cycle of alcoholism and it seems there is no way out. Take a leap of faith and know that you can do this. If AA doesn't work for you at the moment, try something else. And, you always know that there is someone around here at SR to offer support.

sugarbear1

I fought aa for 25 out of 50 years.

It's saving my life today. Try listening to Sandy B. On xa-speakers. Step meetings online.

CarolD

I'm sorry you are having such a bad time...

before you ditch AA ...and that's not to say you should or should not...
I suggest you get into Step work....because that is when I went from shakey sobriety into solid recovery....

I don't know what else you have tried....but there is no wrong way to quit and stay quit.
Please find something that gives you the joy of recovery.

all my best

gr8t2bme

I thank you for your support but there is nothing to live for except for living in this horrible vicious cycle of being drunk. I feel like a hamster on a running wheel. Constantly going and going and not getting anywhere.

I have decided that this is the rest of my life and will eventually succumb to it. My life has minimal impact on my daughter, family and work. I do love my dogs.

Theresa

LoftyIdeals

Theresa...I can't believe I'm saying this, but it's true. Just 3 short weeks ago, I was feeling exactly as you are now. And then, my prayers were answered. I was ready to quit it all, marriage, work, life. In my desparation, I went to a meeting I had avoided for a decade, as it is held at a place where I have sometimes worked. It changed my life. And, I was able, through no power of my own, to say goodbye to alcohol once and for all. And that is after 28 years of being in and out, and on that hamster wheel you speak of.

I hope it's okay that I pray for you. And please keep posting. This site is also a lifesaver. Just don't drink today, and repeat. If necessary, start tomorrow. I really hope you will give yourself over to a simple program or plan of simply not drinking today, minute by minute, hour by hour, whatever it takes. It will change your life. And, when you start feeling better, still don't trust the drink. Trust those who will help you learn again how to live, and to find happiness.

Peace.

Terminally Unique

Try something else, then. Rest assured, though, that it will ultimately come down to some measure of discomfort. You can't get to the light at the end without going through the tunnel first, so to speak. That said, it appears far more difficult than it really is while you are still continually drinking, since alcohol tends to make molehills look like Mount Everest.

Dee74

Every single person here has felt this way Theresa - but this site is full of
people who have refused to listen to those kinds of thoughts and self-lies and turned their lives around.

you can too - stopping drinking is the first step to dealing with that kind of defeatist talk.

D

LosingmyMisery

Yep, know exactly how you feel. I felt the same way. You don't have to settle to succumb to alcohol. Fight to beat it. Do you have a sponsor?

sugarbear1

Feelings aren't facts, they change. Alcohol is a depressant. I know the hamster wheel very well. Somehow, in dire hopeless desperation, I cried out for help. Something happened... AA was seen in a different way at that point. Try listening to those speakers.

least

That would be me (in bold). I thought I was hopeless and was just going to drink myself to death, so what? I hated my life. Now I quite enjoy it and can deal a lot better with problems, instead of just hiding from them in a bottle... My counselor and my loving friends here were always at me to try again. So I didn't give up. And whaddaya know? I'm coming up on 21 months sober - happy months, for the most part.

I'm glad I ignored those voices. I hardly ever hear them anymore, and when they do rear their ugly heads I just ignore them to death.

gr8t2bme

Why is it that when I drink suicide seems to be in my reach? Is the painof life really worth it?

MycoolFitz

Listen to that part of you that has you posting, it's probably worth listening to.

LosingmyMisery

Try life without the booze. Give it a test and see. The booze is causing the pain and the thoughts. It is a depressant. The booze is destroying your mind and soul. Fight for your life, serenity, and happiness.

Newtosoberlivin

Please no matter what you do, don't give up!!! It's not hopeless, I can promise you that wholeheartedly. I was very much where you are less than a month ago, only instead of visitng a site like this, I was planning to end everything and calling a suicide hotline.

Is it easy? Of course not, it's probably one of the hardest things you will ever do, but a friend of mine from AA (I am back in the fellowship after saying "it's not for me" a mere three years ago and many times before that) told me to practice looking at your reflection every day and saying out loud, "Theresa, you are a good person. It's worth it and YOU'RE worth it."

That is not to say that the AA fellowship is the right way for you, it may well not be. But there are many other options to choose.

And the folks here are wonderful and are playing a huge role as well in my recovery. But don't overwhelm yourself either. Take it one baby step at a time, if you quit drinking to start, it's the beginning of a wonderful journey of how to live again, without the booze.

I talked to a lady tonight from my home group, and said "this is teaching me how to live all over again." She said "no honey it's teaching you how to LIVE." Pretty powerful stuff but she's right.

Hugs, hang in there!!!

ReadyAndAble

It sounds like most of your pain is coming from drinking, not life. When I was drinking my world seemed very dark, and yet it seemed like a life without alcohol would be miserable too. I'm glad I took a leap of faith, because the further I get from my addiction, the better life looks to me. I'm glad you're posting today, because it makes me think you still have some small ray of hope. That hope is real—follow it. Some good suggestions above. You really can do it.

Terminally Unique

Because alcohol is a depressant, and will rocket your depression level to the stratosphere. I am normally inclined towards depression, but it is nothing compared to the depths I reached while drinking. If you quit, your depression and anxiety will, at the very least, subside significantly once you get some time between you and the last drink.

Chuck48

I've been in your place, and although I thought the feelings would never pass, they did. The following quote somehow soothes me:

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly."

The fact that you're posting shows strength. I hope better days are right around the corner. Alcohol is only a temporary spirit-lifter, but its long-term effects aren't worth the short-term satisfaction. (This is what I keep telling myself, too.)

Zencat

At the end of my drinking history, I too thought that I was a hopeless case of living in misery for the rest of my days. Then I believed there was a way out of my illness...that was hope. With even the slightest glimmer of hope I was able to build a treatment plan on it.

From a meager start in recovery, I continued to move forward little by little, sure there was more than a few setbacks, but I tugged on never the less.

Do consider there is a way out of your suffering. Believe there is hope for you and build upon it. You can recover, it can get better for you Blessed be in all you do to recover.