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This site makes me want to drink.

Old 04-05-2010, 05:11 PM
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Che
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This site makes me want to drink.

Seriously.

This isn't a jab, or to discourage people who find it useful, it's just some thoughts I wanted to share.

I'm not a newcomer to quitting drinking, but I don't have many posts on this forum, so that's why I write this here. I will tell you some vague background about myself.

When I realised I had a problem, I had been drinking vodka nightly for over a year. I thought to myself 'hey, this is getting stupid,' and told myself to never drink except socially again. That worked out okay until the next time I drank socially, and then I just started drinking by myself again. It wasn't that I drank and ignored my other responsibilities, it was that I obeyed my responsibilities, and then when I had free time, and no one to see, drinking felt like a reward for getting my stuff done. But even I'm smart enough to know that this is being irresponsible with my future. What if one day I've met a lovely girl and my liver gives out? What about my dreams of being a great artist, how will I achieve those if I've given myself brain damage? They're the reasons I quit back then.

At that time I talked to a friend a lot about my drinking, and even though I didn't promise her anything, I did tell her I was quitting. That was December 12th 2008. I remember the dates of everything, so don't think it was the biggest concern in my life.

I made it 3 months, based purely off the concern that I wanted my brain to be as powerful as it could be, for the sake of future success. Those months were strange. I live with people who drink a lot too. Not in a problematic way, like myself, but the types who will leave a beer bottle in the bathroom after they've had a bath, or have wine bottles on the kitchen counter 24/7. They'll offer me a drink constantly. They don't know I had a problem, and I don't tell them, so all I do is reject their offers. I make it through all the hard events... Saying no to someone's home brew when I've gone to their house, saying no to some fancy 40 year old scotch or whatever it was on a family member's 85th birthday. It was kind of annoying, but it was no big deal.

What did me in was some strange wine bottle that sat on the counter for weeks. I'd never tried anything like it, so I thought 'what will one glass hurt?' Apparently it'll hurt another year of struggling with drinking. The whole point of this story is that I didn't tell the person I'd told about my problem (that I'd told I was quitting). In a strange way I felt afraid of what she would think of me, and that only builds as time goes by. I told everyone else I was close to, and those people have all drank with me since. But she doesn't drink at all. Not because she was an alcoholic, but just... because?

Since I started drinking again, I drank less because I thought of it as a reward, and more because I was an anxious person and I looked back on my initial days of drinking with idealism. I WAS happy during those times. It did give me breaks from life that I wanted back then. I thought that I could use alcohol at night to forget whenever something pissed me off during the day, which was everyday since I'm also a sensitive person. Someone hammering nails in the middle of the night? Might as well drink. Someone bothering me every 5 minutes when I'm trying to write an essay? Might as well drink. Got in a fight with a friend? Might as well drink. Fire alarm goes off every other day because someone in the house doesn't know how to cook? Might as well drink.

I'm not stupid, I knew that this was not a healthy means of dealing with my problems. I could list all the excuses I wanted, that my friends kept inviting me to drink, that every family dinner involves drinking, that I can't look almost anywhere in the house without seeing someone's alcohol, that my friends who claim they're trying to quit smoking have said so about a million times. But in the end it lies on me. I have to take responsibility for myself because that's what I believe in. I hate when people give excuses for things they could have overcome. I'm not trying to give excuses with what I'm writing here, I'm trying to say none of this stuff I'm saying matters.

I've quit alcohol again, and I'm fine. For the most part, I don't even think about it. I didn't think about it at all in the first week, which you might call the hardest if you read these forums. Or you might say it never gets easier. Pick the cliche that suits you.

So what works? At least for me, it's when I just make the decision, and stop thinking about it. That's why this forum makes me want to drink. I'm bored, and I decide to read it, and then suddenly I find that I've been thinking about alcohol for the last 3 hours. Like it's trying to become some significant part of my life again.

I'll tell you why I quit alcohol this time. It's not cause of my liver, or my brain this time. It's because it's embarrassing. I feel like the fact that my local liquor store recognizes my face and knows what I like is enough reason never to drink again. I feel like the fact that I've been keeping a secret from probably my best friend, at least someone I talk to daily about almost everything, is embarrassing and pathetic. Her birthday is at the end of this month, and I want to know for myself that I haven't drink in over a month when that day comes. I want to do what I said I would do, which was not to let alcohol be a part of my life. I think defining my life by being sober is letting alcohol be a part of my life, almost as bad as drinking it. Sobriety isn't a way of life. It's just the normal state of being, damn it. I will be who I want to be, when I want to be. I want to accomplish things, and sobriety is not an accomplishment.

That's why I can't count the number of days I've been sober. My friends who try to quit smoking and have failed more than 100 times count the days. 1, 2, 3, 4, oops. 1, 2, 3, oops. 1, oops. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, *recovers from influenza* oops. No wonder it's hard when you constantly asking yourself every second of the day. Just say no once and be done with it. I know the day I quit drinking. I know the date of every big fight I've ever had. I know the day I wrote every piece I've ever written. I'm an obsessive person, but I won't obsess about something I want out of my life.

Something to consider, maybe.

One more reason: Alcohol isn't fun anymore. I meant to say this my whole post, but somehow skipped over it? Anytime I've wanted to drink in the last year, it's because I was thinking about the first year I started drinking, when it actually made me happy. I never feel happy drinking anymore. Sometimes I feel sick, or I feel like 'wow, this is such a waste of time and I'm not even in a state where I can be productive so I have to just scratch tonight off.' The last drink I had was after a little over a week of not drinking. It was some mudslide thing, which I saw in the fridge and thought 'wow, a milkshake... oh, but I'm not drinking' Then I went to google it and ask about what it tasted like. After thinking about it that much I figured I'd just have it to see. I cut my hand a little trying to open the stupid thing, it didn't as amazing as anyone had said it would, and it made me feel sick afterward. It was less than a beer's worth of alcohol, but I'll still count it now as the real start of quitting. I know both dates.
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:20 PM
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Hi,

I'm glad you've stopped drinking.

For me, I have found that 'not thinking about alcohol' has not been enough to keep me sober. I have had to deal with the underlying problems and the members here always inspire me as I move forward on my recovery journey.
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:20 PM
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Hey Che

Pretty much everything made me want to drink when I quit, but personally I'm glad I stuck with it here cos this site made the difference.

But that's me.

I guess the obvious solution for you is to keep not thinking about it - if that works for you...and stop reading here.

If you find you do need support, you know where we are

Good luck.

D
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:26 PM
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I like to welcome newcomers, as I was so warmly welcomed when I came here in despair. And in so doing, I find I don't want to drink near as much/often as in the past. So I'll keep on doing that if it keeps us both sober.

Welcome to SR!
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Che View Post
So what works? At least for me, it's when I just make the decision, and stop thinking about it. That's why this forum makes me want to drink. I'm bored, and I decide to read it, and then suddenly I find that I've been thinking about alcohol for the last 3 hours. Like it's trying to become some significant part of my life again.

I honestly fail to understand your reasoning - if SR "makes you want to drink", why would you decide to post here?

In any case, welcome to SR
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:52 PM
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There is a thread that has lists of what you can do. Being sober gives you so much time and freedom to do things you would never think of doing. Check it out if you have not. I tried jogging and I'm really hooked!!
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:58 PM
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If this site made me want to drink, I wouldn't be here.

Seriously.
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Old 04-05-2010, 05:59 PM
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Before I had really worked on my recovery, before I was totally sure I was done, while I was pretty newly sober, I posted something similar.. well not that a website made me want to drink, but the posts about drinking, the stories of 'slips'.. drove me mad.

Come to find out, it was because I still wanted to drink, had nothing to do with anything else per se. I literally took 'breaks' from reading posts here.. I just wasn't far enough into my recovery to be able to seperate my lingering desire to drink, from a fellowship of sorts with really cool people who could get what I was saying.

Once I had really worked on me and my recovery, made the final decision to quit, and moved forward with my life I stopped allowing myself to be influenced by anything but myself..
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Old 04-05-2010, 06:01 PM
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I honestly fail to understand your reasoning - if SR "makes you want to drink", why would you decide to post here?
Once I've written something, I feel like I'm allowed to forget it because at least it's somewhere. If I don't write it down, it's on my mind for weeks. I could have just written in it in a txt document, but I thought someone might like to read it.

Basically it's closure, which I think is a well known concept in psychology. If I check this site tomorrow though, you'll have a very good point.
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Che View Post
Once I've written something, I feel like I'm allowed to forget it because at least it's somewhere. If I don't write it down, it's on my mind for weeks. I could have just written in it in a txt document, but I thought someone might like to read it.

Basically it's closure, which I think is a well known concept in psychology. If I check this site tomorrow though, you'll have a very good point.
Well, I look forward to reading whatever's in your mind. Take care of yourself
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:07 PM
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hi che....and thanks for sharing

i can relate to the site (or AA) sometimes bring up triggers to drink. for me i think that's because that is what is inside of me...i've trained myself to want to drink for any reason that's in front of me. nice day, bad day, snow, sun, lonely, happy.

i just wanted you to know that i have and may again get urges from this site or AA. In my case I keep coming back because the help i get is vital to my recovery
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:29 PM
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I'm with Flutter. Early in sobriety both this site and AA meetings made me want a drink, or so I thought. The truth is that I still wanted a drink, and ANYTHING would trigger me. I knew I needed to stop but I wasn't really ready yet.

Keep coming back, it will get better.
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Old 04-05-2010, 07:57 PM
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Kind of reminds me of a young friend who had panic attacks years before, he went to counselor and was asked do you still have panic attacks, he replies no i don't think about them anymore and i dont have them anymore because i don't let myself...the counselor smiled and said so, you still have panic attacks then...
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Old 04-05-2010, 08:10 PM
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Reading about slips would trigger me too as still wanted to drink. Now after last binge 34 days ago pray to never pick up a glass of my poison again!
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Old 04-05-2010, 08:26 PM
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Hi.....
I'm guessing you are a young person....group living...writing
an essay.....no mention of employment or lovers.
And....
apparently .....you were wanting to drink before you joined us.
You have been struggleing with drinking for at least a year.

I could be mistaken ...but jjoining a site named Sober Recovery
means you are trying to decide how to stay quit.

I use God and AA....some members are also happily
sucessfully sober without a specific program
and there are various structured programs...not AA.

Please do let us assist you in
finding a better sober future.
Many of us are doing exactly that.....

You don't have to keep struggeling in secret
You are not alone....we do understand
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Old 04-05-2010, 08:45 PM
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Hey Che,
You may not ever see this reply, but for anyone else reading your post, I saw many contradictions and didn't want to go away without trying to explain them. Maybe it's me, but I found this statement:

...I did tell her I was quitting...I made it 3 months, based purely off the concern that I wanted my brain to be as powerful as it could be, for the sake of future success.
to be totally contradictory to this:

...Sobriety isn't a way of life...I want to accomplish things, and sobriety is not an accomplishment.
I would think that if you had made sobriety a way of life, you would've "accomplished" more than 3 months sober time, no? And isn't future success achieved as a result of a person's way of life (setting goals, working hard to accomplish great things)?

...That's why this forum makes me want to drink. I'm bored, and I decide to read it, and then suddenly I find that I've been thinking about alcohol for the last 3 hours.
I've never found a member's post describing their agony and despair over their alcoholism a trigger for me to drink. If anything, it reinforces my choice to live a sober life and I'm happy to support them in any way I can, but that's just me.

...I'll tell you why I quit alcohol this time...Her birthday is at the end of this month, and I want to know for myself that I haven't drink in over a month when that day comes.
The above is an honorable goal, I guess, but wouldn't you have to count the days to achieve that length of sober time? It doesn't jive with this statement:

...That's why I can't count the number of days I've been sober...Just say no once and be done with it.
An upcoming birthday doesn't coincide with a 'just say no once' attitude, nor does the following quote. However, of more confusion to me is your statement that you weren't going to be obsessive about not drinking and in the same breath, you said:

...The last drink I had was after a little over a week of not drinking. It was some mudslide thing, which I saw in the fridge and thought 'wow, a milkshake... oh, but I'm not drinking' Then I went to google it and ask about what it tasted like. After thinking about it that much I figured I'd just have it to see.
Googling what a drink tastes like and then deciding to taste it for yourself because you've thought about it so much certainly sounds obsessive to me.

Che, if I've come across as knit-picking, I do so because my concern lies with the people on this forum who not only need help, but want it. Everyone's entitled to living their own way of life - whether it's a sober way of life or not.

I wish you well even if you never see this.
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Old 04-05-2010, 09:20 PM
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[QUOTE=Che;

[I]****** Those months were strange. I live with people who drink a lot too. Not in a problematic way, like myself, but the types who will leave a beer bottle in the bathroom after they've had a bath, or have wine bottles on the kitchen counter 24/7. They'll offer me a drink constantly. They don't know I had a problem, and I don't tell them, so all I do is reject their offers. I make it through all the hard events... Saying no to someone's home brew when I've gone to their house, saying no to some fancy 40 year old scotch or whatever it was on a family member's 85th birthday. It was kind of annoying, but it was no big deal.****[/I]
If it was "no big deal" then why are you mentioning it? To me it sounds like this is a form a denial,
Maybe if you were a bit more honest with these people, and told them about your problem, they would not leave beer bottles in the bathroom, or wine glasses on the counter, if not, maybe you need to reconsider your friends
[/B]


[I] I've quit alcohol again, and I'm fine. For the most part, I don't even think about it.
really?



[I][I]
[I]I'm not stupid, I knew that this was not a healthy means of dealing with my problems. I could list all the excuses I wanted, that my friends kept inviting me to drink, that every family dinner involves drinking, that I can't look almost anywhere in the house without seeing someone's alcohol, that my friends who claim they're trying to quit smoking have said so about a million times. But in the end it lies on me. I have to take responsibility for myself because that's what I believe in. I hate when people give excuses for things they could have overcome. I'm not trying to give excuses with what I'm writing here, I'm trying to say none of this stuff I'm saying matters

oh i think it does


[I], and I'm fine. For the most part, I don't even think about it.


sure 'bout that?




That's why this forum makes me want to drink. I'm bored, and I decide to read it, and then suddenly I find that I've been thinking about alcohol for the last 3 hours. .



Then stop that, stop reading here, thats the only thing tht makes sense here, really


I'll tell you why I quit alcohol this time. It's not cause of my liver, or my brain this time. It's because it's embarrassing. I feel like the fact that my local liquor store recognizes my face and knows what I like is enough reason never to drink again. I feel like the fact that I've been keeping a secret from probably my best friend, at least someone I talk to daily about almost everything, is embarrassing and pathetic. Her birthday is at the end of this month, and I want to know for myself that I haven't drink in over a month when that day comes. I want to do what I said I would do, which was not to let alcohol be a part of my life[B]. I think defining my life by being sober is letting alcohol be a part of my life, almost as bad as drinking it. Sobriety isn't a way of life. It's just the normal state of being, damn it. I will be who I want to be, when I want to be. I want to accomplish things, and sobriety is not an accomplishment

you may want to reconsider this,..To me and many others here, sobriety is a HUGE accomplishment
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Old 04-06-2010, 07:05 AM
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Whatever works for you.
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Old 04-06-2010, 01:54 PM
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ya i agree with crzy... you're undermining the efforts and hard earned success of the people here by saying sobriety is not an accomplishment. i hope you will reconsider that statement.
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Old 04-06-2010, 02:13 PM
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Well, sobriety is one helluva accomplishment for this addict. I couldn't stop drinking and doing drugs. Couldn't stop. At the end of the road i couldn't make it to work without doing my drug of choice much less put together any days with clarity or sense. It's more than an accomplishment, it's a dam miracle that i've been clean & sober for over 3 months and for me sobriety absolutely is a way of life. If it's not then this addict will end up back in jails or institutions and experiencing the degradation, hopelessness, self-hatred, and utter putridity of life in active addiction.
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