Che

Seriously.

This isn't a jab, or to discourage people who find it useful, it's just some thoughts I wanted to share.

I'm not a newcomer to quitting drinking, but I don't have many posts on this forum, so that's why I write this here. I will tell you some vague background about myself.

When I realised I had a problem, I had been drinking vodka nightly for over a year. I thought to myself 'hey, this is getting stupid,' and told myself to never drink except socially again. That worked out okay until the next time I drank socially, and then I just started drinking by myself again. It wasn't that I drank and ignored my other responsibilities, it was that I obeyed my responsibilities, and then when I had free time, and no one to see, drinking felt like a reward for getting my stuff done. But even I'm smart enough to know that this is being irresponsible with my future. What if one day I've met a lovely girl and my liver gives out? What about my dreams of being a great artist, how will I achieve those if I've given myself brain damage? They're the reasons I quit back then.

At that time I talked to a friend a lot about my drinking, and even though I didn't promise her anything, I did tell her I was quitting. That was December 12th 2008. I remember the dates of everything, so don't think it was the biggest concern in my life.

I made it 3 months, based purely off the concern that I wanted my brain to be as powerful as it could be, for the sake of future success. Those months were strange. I live with people who drink a lot too. Not in a problematic way, like myself, but the types who will leave a beer bottle in the bathroom after they've had a bath, or have wine bottles on the kitchen counter 24/7. They'll offer me a drink constantly. They don't know I had a problem, and I don't tell them, so all I do is reject their offers. I make it through all the hard events... Saying no to someone's home brew when I've gone to their house, saying no to some fancy 40 year old scotch or whatever it was on a family member's 85th birthday. It was kind of annoying, but it was no big deal.

What did me in was some strange wine bottle that sat on the counter for weeks. I'd never tried anything like it, so I thought 'what will one glass hurt?' Apparently it'll hurt another year of struggling with drinking. The whole point of this story is that I didn't tell the person I'd told about my problem (that I'd told I was quitting). In a strange way I felt afraid of what she would think of me, and that only builds as time goes by. I told everyone else I was close to, and those people have all drank with me since. But she doesn't drink at all. Not because she was an alcoholic, but just... because?

Since I started drinking again, I drank less because I thought of it as a reward, and more because I was an anxious person and I looked back on my initial days of drinking with idealism. I WAS happy during those times. It did give me breaks from life that I wanted back then. I thought that I could use alcohol at night to forget whenever something pissed me off during the day, which was everyday since I'm also a sensitive person. Someone hammering nails in the middle of the night? Might as well drink. Someone bothering me every 5 minutes when I'm trying to write an essay? Might as well drink. Got in a fight with a friend? Might as well drink. Fire alarm goes off every other day because someone in the house doesn't know how to cook? Might as well drink.

I'm not stupid, I knew that this was not a healthy means of dealing with my problems. I could list all the excuses I wanted, that my friends kept inviting me to drink, that every family dinner involves drinking, that I can't look almost anywhere in the house without seeing someone's alcohol, that my friends who claim they're trying to quit smoking have said so about a million times. But in the end it lies on me. I have to take responsibility for myself because that's what I believe in. I hate when people give excuses for things they could have overcome. I'm not trying to give excuses with what I'm writing here, I'm trying to say none of this stuff I'm saying matters.

I've quit alcohol again, and I'm fine. For the most part, I don't even think about it. I didn't think about it at all in the first week, which you might call the hardest if you read these forums. Or you might say it never gets easier. Pick the cliche that suits you.

So what works? At least for me, it's when I just make the decision, and stop thinking about it. That's why this forum makes me want to drink. I'm bored, and I decide to read it, and then suddenly I find that I've been thinking about alcohol for the last 3 hours. Like it's trying to become some significant part of my life again.

I'll tell you why I quit alcohol this time. It's not cause of my liver, or my brain this time. It's because it's embarrassing. I feel like the fact that my local liquor store recognizes my face and knows what I like is enough reason never to drink again. I feel like the fact that I've been keeping a secret from probably my best friend, at least someone I talk to daily about almost everything, is embarrassing and pathetic. Her birthday is at the end of this month, and I want to know for myself that I haven't drink in over a month when that day comes. I want to do what I said I would do, which was not to let alcohol be a part of my life. I think defining my life by being sober is letting alcohol be a part of my life, almost as bad as drinking it. Sobriety isn't a way of life. It's just the normal state of being, damn it. I will be who I want to be, when I want to be. I want to accomplish things, and sobriety is not an accomplishment.

That's why I can't count the number of days I've been sober. My friends who try to quit smoking and have failed more than 100 times count the days. 1, 2, 3, 4, oops. 1, 2, 3, oops. 1, oops. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, *recovers from influenza* oops. No wonder it's hard when you constantly asking yourself every second of the day. Just say no once and be done with it. I know the day I quit drinking. I know the date of every big fight I've ever had. I know the day I wrote every piece I've ever written. I'm an obsessive person, but I won't obsess about something I want out of my life.

Something to consider, maybe.

One more reason: Alcohol isn't fun anymore. I meant to say this my whole post, but somehow skipped over it? Anytime I've wanted to drink in the last year, it's because I was thinking about the first year I started drinking, when it actually made me happy. I never feel happy drinking anymore. Sometimes I feel sick, or I feel like 'wow, this is such a waste of time and I'm not even in a state where I can be productive so I have to just scratch tonight off.' The last drink I had was after a little over a week of not drinking. It was some mudslide thing, which I saw in the fridge and thought 'wow, a milkshake... oh, but I'm not drinking' Then I went to google it and ask about what it tasted like. After thinking about it that much I figured I'd just have it to see. I cut my hand a little trying to open the stupid thing, it didn't as amazing as anyone had said it would, and it made me feel sick afterward. It was less than a beer's worth of alcohol, but I'll still count it now as the real start of quitting. I know both dates.