Hey Che,
You may not ever see this reply, but for anyone else reading your post, I saw many contradictions and didn't want to go away without trying to explain them. Maybe it's me, but I found this statement:
...I did tell her I was quitting...I made it 3 months, based purely off the concern that I wanted my brain to be as powerful as it could be, for the sake of future success.
to be totally contradictory to this:
...Sobriety isn't a way of life...I want to accomplish things, and sobriety is not an accomplishment.
I would think that if you had made sobriety a way of life, you would've "accomplished" more than 3 months sober time, no? And isn't
future success achieved as a result of a person's
way of life (setting goals, working hard to
accomplish great things)?
...That's why this forum makes me want to drink. I'm bored, and I decide to read it, and then suddenly I find that I've been thinking about alcohol for the last 3 hours.
I've never found a member's post describing their agony and despair over their alcoholism a trigger for me to drink. If anything, it reinforces my choice to live a sober life and I'm happy to support them in any way I can, but that's just me.
...I'll tell you why I quit alcohol this time...Her birthday is at the end of this month, and I want to know for myself that I haven't drink in over a month when that day comes.
The above is an honorable goal, I guess, but wouldn't you have to count the days to achieve that length of sober time? It doesn't jive with this statement:
...That's why I can't count the number of days I've been sober...Just say no once and be done with it.
An upcoming birthday doesn't coincide with a 'just say no once' attitude, nor does the following quote. However, of more confusion to me is your statement that you weren't going to be obsessive about not drinking and in the same breath, you said:
...The last drink I had was after a little over a week of not drinking. It was some mudslide thing, which I saw in the fridge and thought 'wow, a milkshake... oh, but I'm not drinking' Then I went to google it and ask about what it tasted like. After thinking about it that much I figured I'd just have it to see.
Googling what a drink tastes like and then deciding to taste it for yourself because you've thought about it so much certainly sounds obsessive to me.
Che, if I've come across as knit-picking, I do so because my concern lies with the people on this forum who not only need help, but
want it. Everyone's entitled to living their own way of life - whether it's a sober way of life or not.
I wish you well even if you never see this.