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Drinking friends---scared or sabbotaging?

Old 02-17-2010, 02:26 PM
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Drinking friends---scared or sabbotaging?

I quit one month ago...
I am seeing some odd things about some friends. The ones that are drinkers actually. They don't seem to get that I quit. They sometimes say, "well, if you just have a small bottle instead of the large one". Or "well, if you excercise, then your body can handle some wine". Or "OK, when we get together for dinner, we will be moderate"

They don't get it and it's starting to **** me off.

Are they scared they are lsoing their drinking buddy? And therefore trying to sabbotage things for me?
Or is what I am doing making them look at themselves, and they don't wanna do that! ???
Or is it something else?
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Old 02-17-2010, 02:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Houndheart View Post
Are they scared they are lsoing their drinking buddy? YES And therefore trying to sabbotage things for me? not consciously
Or is what I am doing making them look at themselves, and they don't wanna do that! ??? Most definetly
Or is it something else?
Congratulations on 1 month we all tend to lose certain people from our lives when we quit drinking and it often makes us realize that many of the people were just 'drinking buddies" as opposed to close friends. STick with those that support you.
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Old 02-17-2010, 02:38 PM
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some people aren't ready to face things that you are wanting to change, they will have to make that decision for themselves.

It's like when a woman loses weight and becomes more attractive than they are, they come running with the cake and fried chicken.:rotfxko
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:25 PM
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I think most of us have friends like these Houndheart.

I look back at my 'friends' like these guys and I see drinking buddies now...

when I threatened our common bond, they got scared and, in some cases, resentful and downright hostile.

I left 'the gang' 3 years ago.

I'm doing fine without them...and from what I hear they seem to be partying like it's still 2007...good luck to them.

D
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:34 PM
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I had friends like that.
I quit in 1987 when I got a DUI and one of those "friends" wore down my resolve and I went back to drinking and didn't finally quit until last year. I haven't seen him since I quit but during our phone conversations it is more of the same. I am glad we live in different cities now.
Congratulations on your time and be very careful with these types. Do not let them wear you down. You will regret it.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:36 PM
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With time, as others have mentioned, you will realize that some friends are no more than drinking buddies.
But, there is another issue here that we all face on a broader scale and that is that most people don't understand alcoholism. People will say things that make no sense at all, and it won't always be an attempt at sabotage, but it's because they don't understand the disease.

How to tell true friends from drinking buddies? True friends will welcome your decision to be sober and give you encouragement and support. They won't mind if you want to meet up at a coffee bar instead of a bar.
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Old 02-17-2010, 03:50 PM
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Originally Posted by littlefish View Post
there is another issue here that we all face on a broader scale and that is that most people don't understand alcoholism. People will say things that make no sense at all, and it won't always be an attempt at sabotage, but it's because they don't understand the disease.

How to tell true friends from drinking buddies? True friends will welcome your decision to be sober and give you encouragement and support. They won't mind if you want to meet up at a coffee bar instead of a bar.
Couldn't agree more with both those statements.

I had to find new playmates and different playgrounds. Lol

The friends I have now are "keepers", there's nothing better than sharing unconditional love and support with others in recovery.
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:16 PM
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I think we are all in the same boat with friends. Some will understand but some could care less about you and your health. They aren't your friends - let them go.
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Old 02-17-2010, 04:37 PM
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It's really hard for others to understand addiction.

Stay focused on your recovery and you'll be able to get through this.
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:39 PM
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I found drinkers like to be with other drinkers. Somehow when you don't drink you become something different than them.
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Old 02-17-2010, 05:45 PM
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Or is what I am doing making them look at themselves, and they don't wanna do that! ???
Very likely true.

Congratulations on your time and be very careful with these types. Do not let them wear you down.
I agree. Stick to your sobriety no matter what. It's the best thing you've got going for you. :ghug3
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Old 02-17-2010, 06:43 PM
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A real friend is one who would want to see you succeed in life and getting better. I have much less "friends" these days, but the few I do have I know I could count on and who would be there for me during the bad times and not just the "good" (not just the bar times or the drinking or using times when everyone is hammered, plastered, high or whatever you want to call it) I would rather have 1 "real" friend, then 20 so called friends that are only there for me when everything is "all good"
Protect and preserve the time you have at all costs even if it means distances ourselves from the people who may be unintentionally trying to bring us back into the drinking zone. Just my 2 cents. Thanks for letting me Share! I have 1.5 years now thanks to not drinking or using one day at a time.
Thanks again for sharing and letting me share!
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Old 02-17-2010, 07:38 PM
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I quit a month ago and can already identify two or three friends who aren't going to be a part of my life. This sucks because loneliness was part of the reason I started drinking so much in the first place. They just don't seem to get it though. I went out with a couple of them the week I quit and was having more fun than usual because I didn't have to worry about how much I was drinking and whether anyone was noticing. But the people I was with just couldn't relax if I wasn't drinking.
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:17 PM
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Thank you for posting this!! This has been constantly on my mind. Yeah I know that this process will show me who my "real/true friends" are. I quit about 2 weeks ago. And I know the last time I got "smashed" about two weeks ago, I made a fool out of myself and haven't heard from two of my supposedly good friends. I am not sure what to make of it....sometimes we go through 2 week periods of not talking - which is normal, but I can't help but feel like it has something to do with my last episode, but they were in the same state and not trying to make myself sound better but they drink far more often than I do. Personally, I am chosing to separate myself from them while I go through this life change. i don't want to be around the drinking and they are constantly around it. I am glad you posted this topic....
it's been on my mind soooooo much and driving me crazy. but i talked to a good friend at work who has been sober for almost a year and knows the two friends of mine that I mentioned above and he agreed separating myself from them was the best thing and I shouldn't feel bad because I have to make myself a priority and be concerned about my well being only.....
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Old 02-17-2010, 08:24 PM
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I got the same thing from a friend of mine. I was having lunch with her and told her that I have quit drinking for good. She said what many say "Just have one or two". I didn't argue with her, I just let her say what she said, and will do my own thing.

A couple of days later it was her birthday and a few of us got together at a Martini bar after work. I ordered tonic water, and she never questioned it, nor did anyone else at the table. I had a great time because the conversation was a lot of fun. I was also happy because at no time in the evening did I actually crave any of the drinks, even though I was surrounded by them.
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:27 AM
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Originally Posted by cindy10 View Post
I found drinkers like to be with other drinkers. Somehow when you don't drink you become something different than them.
These two sentences are so insightful and really spot on.

I have a friend couple that used to think of me as the entertainment, and make fun of me for my antics while drinking (while looking down at me for them), and those are the very people almost making fun of me for stopping. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't with those two! Apparently I exist for their judgement and entertainment - UGH.

Other friends have been very supportive. In the end you have to take care of you, and let them have their liquor.
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:49 AM
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I am riddled with guilt when I read this. Firstly, because when my D-ABF was in rehab, not just for alcohol, but opiates, when the initial detox was over, he was calling me saying how much he just wanted a beer. I remained silent. When I picked him up, he still had the $5.00 I'd sent him to rehab with, he walked right out the front doors, didn't kiss me, thank me for the ride, just wanted to go get a beer. I drove to the grocery store to gather the evenings groceries, and he went directly to the beer aisle. He drank the beer and it was before noon. Now, I on the other hand, would drink my wine, but late in the evenings. Before I knew it he was drinking my wine too. This went on for a couple of weeks, and before long he was back to drinking at 10:00 am straight out of the bottle. I feel that I shoulda, woulda, coulda, done more to intercept the desire for him, and set a better example by not having wine in the house or redirecting his attention the MINUTE he got out of rehab to something positive. I didn't realize that I inadvertently facilitated him!
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Old 02-18-2010, 06:53 AM
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Maybe I could do better to answer your question huh? Yes. They are most likely afraid of losing the comraderie of a drinking buddy. It is a tie that binds you to them, is it not? I don't imagine they would intentionally sabotage your sobriety. If they are the types of people that would do that, address that and reduce your exposure to them. Offer an alternative setting to spend time together.
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:05 AM
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I feel that I shoulda, woulda, coulda, done more to intercept the desire for him, and set a better example by not having wine in the house or redirecting his attention the MINUTE he got out of rehab to something positive. I didn't realize that I inadvertently facilitated him!
His behavior directly out of rehab indicated he didn't get much out of the program and hadn't changed at all. Directly going for a drink was his choice, not yours. I can't see where you facilitated.
If he had asked you to keep liquor out of your home, it sounds like you would have complied, he obviously would have found liquor elsewhere if he didn't find it in your home.
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Old 02-18-2010, 09:24 AM
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IMO it is the same as anything that a group of friends have done together for a period of time and all of a sudden one doesn't do it anymore, even taken to the far extreme example that you all get together on certain nights and play poker, all of a sudden you announce you are not playing poker anymore but keep truning up on poker nights its going to be a bit weird for them isn't it?! A real friend would not care and just want your company as the activity is irrelevant between real friends...sounds like drinking buddies to me?!
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