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That little voice is finally gone

Old 01-30-2010, 09:53 PM
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That little voice is finally gone

Hello again SA, some of you may remember me, some of you may not. I used to post here when I was sober, got drinking again, wasn't in a right frame of mind to be posting, and so I stopped, for a long time.

I had been close to coming back recently, I had finally found a few people (professionals) that worked well with me as a group, and life was looking up. My longest sober streak in well over a year, finally a bit of confidence and hope, etc.

I was on a new medicine, and I had decided not to drink on it. Last week I asked the prescribing doctor if it was even ok to. He said that I'd be all right if I drank on it, as long as I didn't take a xanax too.

Last night I decided to go drinking, then. I had much too much, much more than I had planned on, blacked out, and am now facing charges. 1 felony, 1 misdemeanor. I do not like that, at all, but, you're not supposed to. I'm guardedly hopeful, because of my lack of previous record, but however it ends up, I have already been told by two different people that I may look back on this one day and consider it one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I already think it might be, because for all the time I've been wanting to get and stay sober, I've had a little voice inside me saying that eventually I would be able to 'get it under control' and that one day I would be able to drink and handle it.

That voice is, for the first time I can remember..gone. Completely and utterly gone. I do not think it will ever come back. Thumbs up.
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Old 01-30-2010, 09:56 PM
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It takes what it takes sometimes......I know for me it sure did. I would say Keep Coming Back...but instead I'll just say "Stay". It is much easier that way. Glad to see you posting again.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:13 PM
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Not trying to rain on your parade, and that little voice may be gone for good, but more than likely, it's just being squelched by the trouble you are in. I truly don't mean to sound all doom and gloom, but I have been exactly where you are and I thought after I got a DWI, totaled my car and was looking at several thousand dollars in legal bills, I didn't think I'd ever consider drinking again, either. But, after a little while, that voice started in on me and before long, I felt like I could still drink but keep it under control. Of course, I was wrong and it took another two years before I finally realized that I could not just stop drinking on my own. No matter how determined I was, eventually, I would again pick up.

I sincerely hope that you are right and the desire to drink again never crosses your mind. But, be very careful of thinking that you have this thing beat. It's a very cunning and powerful addiction. When we think we have it figured out, that's when we need to be most vigilant.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:26 PM
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
Not trying to rain on your parade, and that little voice may be gone for good, but more than likely, it's just being squelched by the trouble you are in. I truly don't mean to sound all doom and gloom, but I have been exactly where you are and I thought after I got a DWI, totaled my car and was looking at several thousand dollars in legal bills, I didn't think I'd ever consider drinking again, either. But, after a little while, that voice started in on me and before long, I felt like I could still drink but keep it under control. Of course, I was wrong and it took another two years before I finally realized that I could not just stop drinking on my own. No matter how determined I was, eventually, I would again pick up.

I sincerely hope that you are right and the desire to drink again never crosses your mind. But, be very careful of thinking that you have this thing beat. It's a very cunning and powerful addiction. When we think we have it figured out, that's when we need to be most vigilant.

I have no doubt that I will have the desire to drink again one day, even after all of this..it's how alcoholism works, as far as I know. But even when/if that day comes, desire or no, I know I will not drink, and the voice/idea/thoughts/stinkin thinkin, whatever you want to call it, wasn't so much just a desire to drink right then and there, but an idea that -someday- I would be able to drink normally. That is what I believe is finally gone, for good.

And Angelina, yes, I've heard that. I even heard at AA tonight that some people have gone back and thanked the officer who arrested them, years later, for saving their lives.

I know relapses can happen to just about anyone, but even if I get the most I can hope for from this, I will have at the very least a year, possibly more, when if I ever take a drink, I go sit in jail, period. A year is a long time, for me, especially a year spent working the programs and doing intensive treatment. I think it will be a productive year.
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Old 01-30-2010, 10:35 PM
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Well, the longer you go without drinking, especially if you are in a program, the stronger you will become. I wish you much success! We're all pulling for you! ((((HUGS))))
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Old 01-31-2010, 01:23 AM
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Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
 
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Good to know your re starting your sobreity...
Since you mentioned AA.....

BB-1st Edition -Chapter 3
MORE ABOUT ALCOHOLISM

MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We can and do recover ...
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Old 01-31-2010, 01:41 AM
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Thank you Carol (: Long time no talk.
And yes, we -can- and DO. I met two people tonight at AA who both have been sober longer than I've been alive.

I'm scared right now, and very upset with myself, but I'm trying to let it be in my HP's hands. I also, as part of my bond, am on a 24/7 program, where I have to take breathalyzers twice a day, and can be randomly stopped for one at any time by any cop, and they can also search my place for alcohol or drugs whenever they want. It might sound rough, but I'm actually very glad. I know I'll be sober during this, because if I fail one I sit in jail until a judge will see me, and I really, really dislike jail.
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Old 01-31-2010, 04:17 AM
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I'm glad to see you again Anondyne

Also glad you're turning what could have been a rather large negative into a positive thing.

welcome back
D
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Old 01-31-2010, 05:20 AM
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Welcome back! I too am glad to see you're turning a negative into a positive.
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Old 01-31-2010, 07:42 AM
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Thanks for posting.

Yes I agree that it takes what it takes. Sobriety cannot be forced... but is simply the only option when you can't live a life with booze in it but you can't see a life without it. Other than drinking yourself down lower and lower that is.

Much respect for taking this negative experience as a positive
and realising what the score truly is with you and booze.

You have also reminded me why I must never take another drink too...

Peace x
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Old 01-31-2010, 07:48 AM
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Hello there...I am so sorry that this has happened, but so glad that you are seeing this as an opportunity for growth. I mean, the issue is that the legal stuff happened...it is what it is, you know? But what what you do with this is going to make all the difference for you.

And, by the way, I know exactly what you mean when you talk about that little voice telling you that maybe someday you might be able to drink normally. That little voice has been loud in me the past week or so, and I just keep telling it it's wrong! Also, reading the experiences of others here with that same little voice lets me know that it's all part of it, the addiction, talking. Normal drinkers don't think like this to begin with.

I wish you all the peace you can possibly find on this journey. Please keep posting.
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Old 01-31-2010, 03:08 PM
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Thank you for all the welcome backs and posts everyone (:

Humble, I would have to say I'm proud of you for keeping that voice at bay, and I hope you continue to do so. It is a darned liar, and wants only to destroy you.

Going to AA again in 4 hours, after I stop by for my second PBT of the day.

It is hard, earlier I didn't want to get out of bed, I wanted to cry, I figured my life was so over. But dang it, it's not. If this is what it takes, then I may be one of the people who, after years sober, thanks an officer for arresting me and saving my life. I've been overnight in jail before, always because I was drunk and hating myself to the point where they thought I might be a danger, but I haven't had any kind of charge in 11 years, and that was just an underage. This is new to me, and unpleasant, but if it saves my life and helps me be able TO live the kind of life I desperately want to, then yes, I probably will be glad it happened.

As far as no one being able to force you to be sober, I know that is true. I know a person from here in town who is currently sitting, because they were on probation and decided to stop going to AA, and to drink.

I grew very adept at rationalizing to myself that 98% of the time when I drank nothing BAD bad happened, and so ahhh sure, I'll be ok drinking today. Hah. what a joke. Now, I know, without any doubt in my mind, that if I drink anything, at all, I am going to jail and staying there until a judge talks to me. That is very much enough of a deterrent for me, when I simply do not any longer -have- the option of talking/rationalizing myself into it.
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Old 01-31-2010, 10:22 PM
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I was looking for an edit button so as not to bump my own post, but I didn't find it (not saying there isn't one, probably right in front of my face). AA tonight was good. There were a few things, like the prayer, and another daily reading that seemed to be pinpointing exactly what is going on in my life right now, as well as some people (it was open discussion night, after birthdays) saying things that struck home, about negatives becoming positives, about bad things, suffering etc, being able to help our growth tremendously, even a guy I hadn't seen before talking about how the first time he felt hope in a long long time was when he went to inpatient treatment..while facing bad charges.

I talked to him after the meeting and told him how, though I think it's a little strange, I know exactly how he felt, because I feel hope right now, and I used to avoid hope as much as possible. Turns out he is now 22 years sober. I love living proof that it -can- be done.
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Old 01-31-2010, 10:27 PM
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You can only edit posts for 30 mins after you've posted, mate
I'm glad the meeting went well

D
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Old 01-31-2010, 11:05 PM
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********'SUP}}}}

Well, sounds like you've the opportunity to do the job for real this time.

Your life isn't over.

But if you work it right -
the DRINKING part of your life might be over.
You are gonna have to want it.
Gonna have to earn it.


Good to see you though!
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Old 01-31-2010, 11:40 PM
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Heeey Barb (: Great to see you again.

I think so, I hope so, if it really truly finally is,,and I know it will take dedication and work and study, then this will be worth it.
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