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Been Drinking...

Old 01-18-2010, 12:50 PM
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Been Drinking...

in secret, late at night. Watching funny shows and movies online and drinking until I fall asleep. I was sober for a very long time, but am going stir-crazy this winter. I feel evil for doing this, for hiding this. I have a wonderful life, and I'm back on the path to throwing it all away with both hands. Absolutely evil.
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:00 PM
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Well, you obviously want to start drinking again.

Maybe it will help if you post why you quit and why you have started again?
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:12 PM
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You are right. And I have pondered this: why did I want to start drinking again? I don't know why I want to drink. I'm not sure there's an answer. I think I just crave it nonsensically. I know I want to want NOT to drink.

I had a very easy time quitting in the first place. I never got into any trouble for drinking, but I realized that I'm an obsessive addict, and that I want to drink often and excessively. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm an alcoholic. But, once I realized that, it was relatively easy to quit. Now the desire to drink is like some crazed demonic force in my bloodstream. It makes no sense. I have heard others in recovery talk about experiencing relapses such as this, but I am at a big loss, caught in the midst of it myself. I honestly never thought I would do this. I knew there was danger of it, but I thought I'd probably be able to avoid it.

I feel like a moron and a *****. I really do.
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:33 PM
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Maybe, Safira, you have a mental obsession that you are powerless over. I've been well served by AA's definition of an alcoholic. If, when I honestly wanted to, I found I could not quit drinking entirely OR if, when drinking, I had little control over the amount I took, I'm probably alcoholic.

I meet both parts of that definition, and I've also been well served by AA's program of recovery.
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:43 PM
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I love AA folks, and have read the Big Book continuously for a while. I am an alcoholic. I freely admit that. But I do have some trouble with the "powerless" part. I feel like on the one hand, it's accurate, because I certainly feel powerless, but, on the other hand, it seems like a cop out. What I DO agree with from AA is everything else besides that. I do acknowledge that I need God's help to quit. But the "powerless" admission, and the view that it is a "disease" are hard for me to accept. I believe in taking responsibility for my actions, and it is difficult for me to feel right when saying I am "powerless" and "diseased." But that's just me.

AA works for many people. I can't knock it. Whatever my philosophy is, clearly, I'm not making it work. So maybe I AM powerless

It's good to have found this forum.
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:45 PM
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Welcome here. I too had some time in recovery and started with a beer or 2. Within 3 months I couldn't stop no matter how hard I tried.
My sponsor pointed out "Yup, you got a good job, got a good place, got your kids back, got a nice boyfriend and what did you do? Drank". I think part of me had issues with my self worth and struggled with feeling good. Make sense?
I had to lose almost everything again to surrender again. I hope you don't have to lose everything.
You're in a 12 step group?
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Old 01-18-2010, 01:52 PM
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Hi Safira

I think stories like yours are pretty common.

Were you doing anything else beside just not drinking? I only ask because for me I found it impossible to try and be a non drinker when I was still living the same old drinker's life.

The alcoholic voice is relentless as we all know. I've been sober for nearly 3 years now - to do that I had to change a lot of things, and do a lot of work on myself, and stay vigilant.

SR is a good start in that process I think - coming here made a difference for me
Please do stick around and post and read as much as you like - welcome!

D
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:03 PM
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Soberinwpg:

Thanks for your kind welcome! I am so happy to have found this website.

I attended a few AA meetings back in the day, voluntarily, for my drinking. I stopped going to them, though. There were a few concerns I had about the meetings, and so I thought online meetings might be better for me. I follow the steps of AA, but do not physically attend meetings.

I DO know why I've started drinking again, but I don't know why my trigger is what it is.

I'm working on my Master's degree these days, and I have to say that as my coursework got more difficult, the urge to drink reemerged. There's something about working so hard in college that makes me want to drink after a major success in school. I work hard and I get As, and then...I want to drink until my over-strained brain buzzes peacefully.

Being back in school has been stressful and rewarding, and it is definitely my trigger to want to drink again. I know that. My mind seeks alcohol to balance out the schoolwork. I don't know why that is, or how it works, but it's true.

There has to be a better way to relax that is equally rewarding. I need to find one, pronto. I'm halfway to my degree now, and the urge to drink (and smoke cigs) is HUGE within me after I finish every project and research paper...
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:05 PM
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Originally Posted by Safira View Post
I feel like on the one hand, it's accurate, because I certainly feel powerless, but, on the other hand, it seems like a cop out.
Hi Safira
The disease of alcoholism is "cunning, baffling and powerful". It will trick you any way it can to get you into drinking.

You admit you are an alcoholic, you study the Big book, you love AA yet this cunning alcoholic part of your mind tells you you are not powerless.

If you can't admit you are powerless, you can't do Step 1, you can't work the rest of the steps and you can't recover.


"Cunning, baffling, powerful"

Welcome to SR. Keep sharing
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:08 PM
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Welcome to SR! For me, being 'powerless' over alcohol was/is defined by the fact that I drank knowing full well how bad it was for me. The only other thing I do that is bad for me is smoking. That's my only other bad habit. But smoking won't get me thrown in jail for smoking and driving, nor does smoking make me feel like death as I do after drinking.

So that's 'powerless' to me: knowing how bad it is but still doing it. I've been a member here for almost two years but only sober since I relapsed last December. I'm determined to make it this time tho, since I'm getting older and may not have any more recovery in me and don't want to find out.

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Old 01-18-2010, 02:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Safira View Post
Soberinwpg:

Thanks for your kind welcome! I am so happy to have found this website.

I attended a few AA meetings back in the day, voluntarily, for my drinking. I stopped going to them, though. There were a few concerns I had about the meetings, and so I thought online meetings might be better for me. I follow the steps of AA, but do not physically attend meetings.

I DO know why I've started drinking again, but I don't know why my trigger is what it is.

I'm working on my Master's degree these days, and I have to say that as my coursework got more difficult, the urge to drink reemerged. There's something about working so hard in college that makes me want to drink after a major success in school. I work hard and I get As, and then...I want to drink until my over-strained brain buzzes peacefully.

Being back in school has been stressful and rewarding, and it is definitely my trigger to want to drink again. I know that. My mind seeks alcohol to balance out the schoolwork. I don't know why that is, or how it works, but it's true.

There has to be a better way to relax that is equally rewarding. I need to find one, pronto. I'm halfway to my degree now, and the urge to drink (and smoke cigs) is HUGE within me after I finish every project and research paper...

I hear you there too. I'm a single mom of 3 and after working a full day and then taking care of the 3 of them I NEEDED a drink. It started off slowly and well, I fed the dragon and that bitch was thirsty.
When I lost the kids and I had to sit home alone I had the hardest time trying to relax w/o booze. Trying to kill time. Trying to live with that HUGE hole in my gut b/c I had lost my kids. Meetings are awesome but it was the WORK I DID that saved my butt. I work the steps in my life but I also do some self-help books. Look at those issues that made me think I wasn't good enough.
It has only been 3 months since I lost my kids but I can now self calm. I can now see that God has this plan for me and I have no idea what it is but I'll let him take me. I guess my point is, it took work to feel good w/o the booze.

AND the secret you have? The late night drinking? The guilt is probably eating you up inside too. Well I can only speak for me. It was killing me slowly and the booze took the guilt and shame away. We're only as sick as our secrets.
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:15 PM
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Hi Safira,

You'll find many peoples stories here are like yours. Read all you can and post. SR is a rock for people like you and me that aren't (for what ever reason) in a group.

Welcome
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:17 PM
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@Dee74:

Oh, yes, I made several lifestyle changes. I worked out a LOT, making sure I was good and exhausted before evening, when the temptation to go out with friends was strongest. Nice Sgt. Floyd Pepper icon, by the way. MUPPETS!!!

It's good to be here, and thanks for the words of welcome.

@Intention:

Trust me, I have heard this line of reasoning before, and I don't entirely disagree with it. I just like to say what is on my heart, and the only way I can come to accept something I don't entirely jive with is by talking it out. I believe in learning to let God guide my choices, ultimately, so that is, in essence, living as if I am powerless.

Either way, I am not doing so well with it right now, clearly. I have to get myself back on the right track!

Best to you,
Safira
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:07 PM
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Hi Safira-

I also (since I didn't say it in my initial reply) wanted to say hello, welcome, and good luck.

Let's do this together, all of us.
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Safira View Post
Soberinwpg:

I DO know why I've started drinking again, but I don't know why my trigger is what it is.

I'm working on my Master's degree these days, and I have to say that as my coursework got more difficult, the urge to drink reemerged. There's something about working so hard in college that makes me want to drink after a major success in school. I work hard and I get As, and then...I want to drink until my over-strained brain buzzes peacefully.

Being back in school has been stressful and rewarding, and it is definitely my trigger to want to drink again. I know that. My mind seeks alcohol to balance out the schoolwork. I don't know why that is, or how it works, but it's true.

There has to be a better way to relax that is equally rewarding. I need to find one, pronto. I'm halfway to my degree now, and the urge to drink (and smoke cigs) is HUGE within me after I finish every project and research paper...
WELCOME SAFIRA!! Its great your are recognizing the problem.... I can so relate to you on the school thing. I too am attending college and have found it hard to resist the drink after I work so hard and pull all nighters. We really have no way to reward ourselves but to go out and drink!! But here is the catch! Are we really rewarding ourselves by going out and damaging our bodies, because thats what drinking that first drink does to us. The first drink is the same as the 15th to an alcoholic. Alcohol triggers your brain like an allergy and you want more, because after the first drink you end up chasing that high until you black out! Now you may not be experiencing that yet and may be hard headed about it! But it did happen to me! I started out drinking at night hiding it by the computer and stuff. Then I would sneak drinks as well around friends! I had a problem and didn't and couldn't admit it! A closet drunk is so lonely and depressing! I hated being one. But life is so much rewarding after you admit it. It's almost like closure and you understand! Your reward for all your hard work should be the MASTERS that you will be getting... because atleast you are still in school and working towards something. There are some people who are recovered alcoholics who have nothing because their disease over took them. Just don't let it happen to you! THIS SITE HAS BEEN A BLESSING FOR ME!.. Im a college student who is always at school work or studying and when I cant make the meetings I come on here and preach what I know or have learned being 25 years old. I'm still learning and will always be learning!

Much Love
Justin
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Old 01-18-2010, 07:26 PM
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Welcome to our recovery community......

Please do check out this link when you have time

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html

All my best...
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:33 AM
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Welcome Safira!

Your story sounds pretty dang familiar to me!

I started drinking heavily when I was in graduate school also. At the time I didn't understand the correlation between success in life being at a high profile school and drinking. I think you may be quite ahead of the game on that one.

I became sober for the first time after I left graduate school. It lasted a few years, and I went to meetings, but I was really not recovering.

After a relapse in 2007 I went to talk to a psychologist and she quickly surmised that I was drinking to punish myself. To remind myself that I am nothing of consequence. Any time things were going well in life, I seemed to have the need to drag myself back down.

My most recent relapse in 2009 found me doing very much the same stuff you described -- drinking late at night watching silly things on the tube. And. of course, doing my best to try to keep anyone from finding out about it!

I'm glad you're here with us, and I hope you find as much help from SR as I have.

-Goat
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Old 01-19-2010, 04:11 PM
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Carol-

I thank you for the resources. I am day 1 sober, and I will prevail! It is good just to talk about it right now.

Kjell-

Thank you! Let's do this together, yes.

Onesidezero512-

It is so good to hear all my school related drinking habits echoed by you. I can't take the guilt over the secret, looserish drinking I've been doing, so I'm done. Day 1 of sobriety has finally found me again. I hear you on the all nighter stuff; it's exactly the pattern I just created. I pulled three all-nighters to finish a big project, then found myself off my morning routine, because I was so used to being up all night. So I hit the bottle again, for several nights. Ach. Ach ach ach ach ach.

Goat-

Yes, this is exactly the pattern I've followed for the last few nights. It's so horrible! The guilt is huge, so I'm just letting it wash over me, accepting it, observing it. It's good guilt, I guess, because it should keep me focused on my goal: not drinking, one day at a time.

It's interesting that your psychologist discovered you drank to punish yourself. I don't know about those deeper motivations within myself. I only know that I drink because I dig the feeling I get from it. Then, of course, I loathe the feeling I get from it!! So I'm going with the loathing. I'll make that go to work for me. Redemption is nigh.
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Old 01-19-2010, 08:08 PM
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We are blessed to have you as part of SR! Just be honest because we don't judge... We have no room to judge... We have all been in the same situation or worse!! And it feels so much better coming clean of all your lies and deceits!!
Much love
Justin
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Old 01-20-2010, 05:57 AM
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Safira, I'll just throw my two cents in. I'm a reluctant follower of AA--lots I take issue with, lots I don't agree with, etc., etc. However, my sponsor urged me to ask my higher power to lift my mental obsession with alcohol. I have been praying nightly to have this obsession lifted. I'm not a big pray-er--my prayers usually go something like this "Dear God or Dear Universe please help lift this obsession over alcohol and allow me to use this energy to do what I was meant to do here on this earth..." Sometimes I ramble on about how I don't know how to pray, or that I don't know "who" I'm talking to. I do agree that feeling you are alone and struggling to control alcohol by yourself without any sort of divine intervention/help (even if its the help from these boards) can be very lonely indeed.

I, too, was a nighttime drinker, and drank more in secret toward the end. I, too, was in school and working really hard. Alcohol seemed to be the only thing that allowed me to sleep at night. It was also a "reward" for getting through the day. I am now 11 months sober. I really never thought I would be able to get through a night without alcohol. My sleep is 100 x better, and I don't feel like a loser and a fake anymore. I wish you luck on your journey. I found a lot of help and support right here with SR. Private message me if you like.
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